Girlology: A Girl's Guide to Stuff that Matters Read online

  For a healthy brain, a totally Authoritarian parenting style is not the best for teens. Remember use it or lose it? That decision-making center has to get some exercise, or you’ll never be able to make decisions as an adult!

  Even if your parents are not Authoritarian now, you probably remember a time when they were. Authoritarian rules work best for younger children, children who cannot fully understand the danger of running in the street, playing with fire or eating only chicken nuggets for three months. When you were a little older, your parents still may have had good reason to be Authoritarian. Maybe you wanted to see a movie that had sexual situations . . . but didn’t even know what sex was yet! Your parents may have given you a reason for their rule, but you were too young to understand.

  So at certain times in your life, unbending rules did have to be made for you, regardless of whether or not you understood the reasons.

  That was then. This is now. You are older and able to understand choices and consequences.

  Every time you make a decision, it’s like exercising your brain. The more decisions you make, the more fit your brain’s decision-making center will be. If your parents make all your decisions for you, that brain’s gonna turn into a big tub of goo! Ewww!

  So how do you get Authoritarian parents to “let you have your way” and make some decisions?

  1. Show them that you do understand that choices have consequences. Use “I” statements, such as: “If you’ll let me stay out until 10:00, I promise to be home on time. And if I’m late, I’ll wash your car every Saturday for a month.” And then if you are late, suffer your own consequences cheerfully.

  2. Do the small things well. Make your bed without being reminded. Remember your lunch money. Finish your model of the solar system on time. Show them that you can do things on your own. Give them a reason to think that you will make good choices, and they may let you try bigger things.

  3. Tell them that you want to make some decisions. Ask them to find times for you to exercise your brain. Make suggestions like: “Will you let me decide when I’ll rake the lawn if I promise it will be done by Saturday at 6 P.M.?” or “Can I go shopping for that new skirt with my friends if I promise I won’t buy one shorter than three inches above my knee?” or “May Amber and I walk around the neighborhood if we take the cell phone and promise to be back in thirty minutes?”

  These things prove to your parents that you can set reasonable limits and accomplish tasks all on your own (home at 10:00, a school project finished on time, hem three inches above the knee). It can make them more confident that you will make good choices. They may even look pensively heavenward, lay a finger aside the cheek and ponder, “Maybe, just maybe, I don’t have to make all my little girl’s decisions. . . .” Your brain will thank them!

  The Sky’s the Limit

  Now on to Permissive parents.

  Permissive parents may be the toughest parents to deal with. We just saw how Authoritarian parents set up unbending rules about all details of life so that teens can’t practice making decisions. Permissive parents are the opposite of that.

  Permissive parents encourage kids to think for themselves, do whatever makes them feel good and avoid conformity. Misbehavior is usually ignored, and kids learn from making mistakes. Children of Permissive parents have lots of chances to make decisions—the sky’s the limit!

  It’s just that teens need rules, limits and guidance to feel secure and learn to make good decisions. If you don’t have guidance about the pros, cons and consequences of making certain choices, it’s gonna be tough for you to learn. You didn’t drop onto this Earth as a completely developed 30-year-old “Ms. Responsibility.” No! Your brain is still growing into an adult brain; you’re not there yet.

  It’s sort of a role reversal to ask parents to give you more rules and limits, but really that’s what’s best for you and your developing brain. So how do you get Permissive parents to “let you have your way” and set some limits that help you gain good independence?

  1. Ask them for supervision. For example, you could say, “I want to ask Joe over after the game to hang out, but I’m kind of uncomfortable being at home alone with him. Could you be home by 10:00?” Or maybe, “The neighbors just yelled across the fence that we are too loud. What can we do that’s quiet but still fun?”

  2. Learn from your parents’ actions. They are making decisions every day, and you can learn from their choices and consequences. Maybe your mom turns down an invitation to go to a movie with a friend because she needs to help your little sister make a Native American Indian costume for school. You see the delight in your sister’s eyes, and you know Mom made a good decision. Maybe your dad promises to be at your volleyball game, but at the last minute he decides to play golf after work with some buddies instead. You are disappointed and probably angry, and you know that was a bad decision.

  You can learn from good and bad choices people all around you make. Look to your friends. Read the newspaper. Check out what happens to characters in books, on television and in movies. Take note of consequences of your own actions.

  3. Look to other trusted adults for guidance and boundaries. A friend’s mom is a great choice. You’ll know the right one when you meet her. She talks to you a lot, remembers things about you and explains her reason for choosing certain rules and boundaries for her daughter. She’s fun in a “like to be around her” way, not a “party time, no rules” way. If you can’t find a friend’s mom to confide in, other good choices are teachers, coaches, religious leaders, neighbors or other relatives.

  You may be thinking, “Sounds like fun! I want Permissive parents! Freedom, freedom, freedom!” Well, we know that giving yourself rules and limits seems totally bizarre. But remember that what you learn now forms the adult you will be. Decision making with guidance will snap that brain of yours into shape pronto—and you’ll have the perfect brain to usher you into adulthood.

  A Little Me, a Little You

  And now for the crowning glory of teen parenting styles—Assertive-Democratic. Assertive-Democratic parents establish basic guidelines for their children. They give clear reasons for setting limits. They teach their children about the consequences of choices and give them plenty of practice making choices. If this is the type of parents you have, you will be expected to take responsibility for the choices you make.

  While no parents are perfect, Assertive-Democratic parents seem to prepare their children best for being adults. Research shows that children raised this way make wiser choices, cope well with change and are better problem-solvers. In other words, they have strong, well-exercised decision-making centers in their brains. No tubs of brain-matter goo here!

  Assertive-Democratic parents are already “letting you get your way” by encouraging you toward independence. But there are some things you can do to help out. It’s a case of they give a little, you give a little.

  1. Learn from your mistakes. Your parents aren’t going to let you go jump off a cliff, but they will let you make relatively safe but poor choices. If you decide to IM your friends all night instead of studying for your geometry exam, you will discover the nasty consequence of failing. Prove to yourself and your parents that your brain gets just as much exercise from making bad decisions as it does from making good decisions—and decide to study next time!

  2. Ask their opinions about decisions you need to make. While it’s hard to imagine your mom having her first period, her first kiss and a curfew, we can assure you that she did. Just ask your grandma! Your parents have lived long enough to make many decisions— good and bad—and they can share their real-life experiences with you.

  3. Offer reasons of your own for making decisions. This is when your parents will shout for joy, “Well, at least we did something right!” Making well-thought-out decisions is exactly what they have been training you to do. When they see that you have considered the consequences of a choice, they’ll confidently grant you your independence. Yahoo! Mission accomplished!


  So What Is Normal?

  Let’s review a laundry list of “normal” parent behaviors. They:

  • Embarrass you

  • Nose around in your business

  • Fuss at you about schoolwork, clothes, computer time and your whereabouts

  • Hate your friends

  • Love your friends

  • Establish strict, unbending rules

  • Establish no rules at all

  • Give you reasons for the rules

  • Make decisions for you

  • Let you choose

  Yep, looks like all those abnormal, clueless parents out there are really pretty normal after all. Your normal parents didn’t go anywhere . . . your relationship with them and your perception of them just changed.

  Now that we know your parents are possibly and even probably normal, where do you go from here? That’s easy. Keep heading the way your brain and body are leading you—straight toward independence. No matter what your parents’ parenting style is, that brain of yours will get its best exercise by making good decisions. Do whatever it takes to get the best information you can to help you make the best decisions you can . . . and watch your independence grow! Your Girl Power will grow along with it!

  PART TWO

  Body Talk

  4

  Not Your Usual Vocabulary List!

  Words are powerful. You know because you use them all the time. You use words to get information when you ask your teacher, “Why did Shakespeare make men put on dresses, wigs and high heels to play women’s roles?” You use words to stand up for yourself when you tell a girl in your class, “I’ll help you with the math homework, but I’m not going to let you copy mine.” And you definitely express anger with words when you scream at your sister, “You idiot! I told you not to wash my white sweater with your stupid red sweatshirt!”

  When we’re talking about our bodies and sex, using clear, accurate words gives us great power. Sex talk might be a little uncomfortable at first. There are lots of new words, and lots of words you’d only use with girlfriends—lots of words you’d never use with parents or teachers. Don’t worry. In chapters 4 and 5, we’re going to learn clear and accurate words for sex talk. And we’re going to get you some more power!

  Pop quiz! Define the following (25 points each): scrotum, clitoris, areola, coitus . . . just kidding. What? Never seen these in your English book? Just as we suspected . . . this will not be your usual vocabulary list!

  Awkward Words

  It’s no secret that a lot of girls don’t feel comfortable talking about their “private body parts” or things related to sex. It can be embarrassing. It can even be scary. A lot of adults don’t feel comfortable talking about it either. It’s normal to feel uncomfortable and awkward talking about sex and personal subjects. It’s not something we go around talking to everyone about like the weather. But once you do start talking, it gets easier—for teens and for adults.

  To help you understand some important things, you will need to know a lot of new terms and words. Some you know; some you don’t know; some you say; some you don’t say. There are also lots of words “out there” that you hear but may not understand. You need to learn about those, too.

  Some of the words we think you need to know are listed below. Some words that we think you don’t need to know are also listed below. We put them there because we know you hear them anyway, and you deserve to at least know what they mean, so you can find “better” words to use in their place. By the time you have finished this book, you should know what all of them mean. Beside the words we have listed, you can also add the slang words that mean the same thing (it’s okay, really!). We want you to feel comfortable asking about words you don’t fully understand. We also want you to feel free to add other words to this list. If we don’t cover them here, ask a parent or another trusted adult. When you feel embarrassed, just remember that they probably feel just as awkward answering as you feel asking! Here’s your new vocabulary list:

  Abortion (termination of pregnancy)—An abortion is a medical or surgical procedure that removes a pregnancy from a woman’s uterus to end the pregnancy.

  Birth control (the pill, condoms, the patch, the shot)

  Breasts (boobs, tits, titties, jugs, bosoms, bust)

  Clitoris (clit)

  Condom (glove, rubber, prophylactic, Trojan)

  Douche—We don’t know any slang terms for this one, but a douche is a device that some women use to wash out their vagina. It is not recommended. In fact, it can cause problems with infection.

  Ejaculation (cum . . . see orgasm)

  Homosexual (gay, queer, dyke, faggot/fag, lesbian, homo)

  Horny (blue balls, hot)

  Kissing (making out, sucking face, slipping the tongue)

  Lust (crush)

  Masturbation (jerk off, whack off, playing with yourself )

  Menstruation (period, cycle, “aunt flo,” monthly, the curse, my little friend)

  Oral sex (cunnilingus, fellatio, going down, blow job)

  Orgasm (cum/come, climax, the Big O)

  Penis (dick, pecker, weenie, unit . . . and lots more!)

  Petting (making out, feeling up, second base, third base, hand job)

  Prostitute (whore, slut, skank)—A prostitute is a person who has sex for money, shelter, drugs or other “things.”

  Sex (sexual intercourse, coitus, making love, going all the way, doing it, doing the deed, getting laid, scoring, screwing, and yes, the f*** word)

  Sexual harassment (coming on too strong)

  Sexually transmitted infection (STD, clap, drip, herpes, crabs)

  Testicles (balls, nuts, the family jewels, nads)

  Uterus (womb)

  Vagina (pussy)

  “Bad” Words

  Did you read some words that flipped you out or made you laugh? Are you afraid that your mom is going to freak out if she reads this book now?

  Sticks and stones can break my bones, but words will never hurt me. We know you’ve heard that old expression. It’s true, kinda. Words won’t really hurt you physically, but they can hurt your feelings and make you feel yucky about yourself.

  And people use certain words that can make you, your body, your sexuality and sex seem nasty and cheap. Words themselves (even words about sex and your body) aren’t bad. It’s just that some people use words to put down what is the really beautiful, amazing and normal development of teenage bodies and sexuality.

  Most of these “bad” words are about our body parts or things we do with our bodies. Why do people feel like they have to use silly or not-so-nice words to talk about things that are a normal part of life?! Can you think of some reasons people might do that? Maybe:

  They don’t feel comfortable with the topic.

  They don’t know the real or proper words to use for what they want to say.

  They are copying negative attitudes towards sex and bodies they see in movies, magazines, on the Internet and on TV.

  They think the words are funny or risqué to say, and they get attention by saying them.

  Bet you can think of some of the words that people use when they could be using nicer, more proper words.

  There’s Nothing Wrong with a Little Curiosity

  Trust us. Curiosity about words people use for sex and body parts will not harm you or get you in trouble. It’s how you use words that can get you in trouble. In this book, there are no words that are “bad.” There are just words you need to understand. Remember, curiosity is normal, knowledge is power and language is powerful! Just because you know what all these words mean doesn’t mean you will start using them in your daily conversations (please!).

  Understanding what different words mean helps you gain a little power over the people who use them in “not-so-nice” ways. When you hear people using “bad” words, you will know that they often do that to shock others, to be mean or to show off. Then you can look at them with a look that says:

  “I think my body is pretty coo
l and amazing and beautiful, and I’m not into talking nasty about it.”

  or

  “Oh, you must be uninformed

  since you don’t feel comfortable using correct words”

  or

  “Oh, you must need extra attention . . .

  don’t you know there are better ways to get it?”

  or

  “Oh, that was mean, and I don’t have time for mean people.”

  Get it?

  The Look

  By the way, preteen and teen girls are the best at giving “the look” we’re talking about here. You know the look—rolling eyeballs, raised eyebrow (only one if you’re really good), smug look and a quick, grunty sigh! It’s okay to use it when necessary! It works (we bet you’ve already discovered that by now). Just don’t use it too often because it will lose its effect.

  The point is that when others use “bad” language, it doesn’t make them stronger or respected or better than anyone else. It just makes them seem a little immature to those who have Girl Power. You can be bigger than that.

  Hurtful Words

  Some people will use “bad” language on purpose to make other people feel embarrassed or bad about themselves. That type of language insults others. Just because someone says it about you doesn’t make it true!

  Remember the “sticks and stones” thing? If someone uses “bad” language against you, don’t let them feel they have won anything. Ignore them and be strong. Your feelings and your spirit might be hurt, but it’s their character that is damaged. Remember that the people who use hurtful language are wimps, and you might even feel sorry for them (if you weren’t so mad!).