Girlology: A Girl's Guide to Stuff that Matters Read online

  Another brain part, your amygdala (uh MIG duh luh), is also cookin’ away. This is the emotional center in your brain. By growing, it makes you experience emotions in a stronger way than you have before. You will begin to have intense feelings like anger, love and sadness.

  While your amygdala is growing, it also interferes with your ability to figure out what emotions other people are feeling by their facial expressions, body language and tone of voice. So when you see a parent (or friend) with a wrinkled forehead and squinted eyes, you might jump to the conclusion that she is angry when in reality she is confused or worried or maybe just has a headache!

  Your emotional center also makes you respond with big, lightning-quick emotions—like a firecracker popping. So that parent who was confused makes you suddenly explode with an angry yell before you realize that she wasn’t angry at all. Then she does get angry because you yelled at her, and then your anger gets even bigger. Yada, yada, yada . . . what a mess it can cause!

  See what we mean when we say this “clueless parent” phenomenon is a little bit about them and a lot about you? You may feel like your parents spontaneously turned more angry, more controlling, more nosy, more whatever overnight, but the way you interpret their responses is really what’s changing. There goes that brain, doing a number on you again!

  My Brain Made Me Do It!

  Besides these brain centers that are changing, scientists have also identified specific “developmental tasks” that you need to accomplish during your teen years. When you were a child, your “developmental tasks” were things like learning to sit, walk, talk, pick up a Cheerio with your finger and thumb, and potty train.

  Now that you can successfully navigate a toilet (we’re sooo impressed!), you get to move on to new tasks. Actually, they may seem more like annoying little chores. The most obvious tasks are physical ones like growing breasts, starting a period, getting taller, growing hips and growing new hair. Your major mental/emotional tasks aren’t as obvious as breasts and pubic hair, but they still happen to everyone!

  As we talked about, the first task is to become more independent from your parents and more connected with your friends. If you are ever going to become a responsible, independent adult, of course, you have to learn to do things all by yourself.

  This parent-friend combo helps you accomplish your second big mental/emotional task—figuring out the deep question of “who you are.” That means you consider your parents’ values and your friends’ values, and then you decide what’s important to you. What kind of person do I want to be? What are my talents? What are my weaknesses? What will my family, my career, my faith and my accomplishments look like in ten or twenty years?

  We talked a lot about this in chapter 2. If you’re still wondering how to start figuring out “who you are,” go back and check it out again.

  Invasion of the Body Snatcher

  None of this is to say that your brain is holding your entire body, mind and personality hostage! When your brain gives you those “I need to be independent” messages, it may make you want to lash out with arguments, insults and disobedience when an adult challenges your independence.

  Likewise, your brain may make you want to respond with anger, snide comments or unfriendly threats when your friends (or you!) try on “new” personalities on your quest to find out “who you are.”

  You can’t control the messages your brain is sending you. Really. It’s just the way your brain develops. But you do have control over how you respond to your brain’s messages.

  Right now you argue so much because your brain is also developing logical reasoning. You need reasons for your parents’ rules; you want to know why your friends act the way they do. So ask your parents what purpose they have for a rule instead of responding with, “You can’t make me!” Even if you don’t like their reason, they probably have one that seems good to them. Once you know their purpose, you can negotiate a compromise that gives you some independence and also sets limits they think are good for you.

  It works like this: Let’s say you want to go see a movie, Selena’s Summer Secret (a made-up title), with some girlfriends and some guy friends. You ask your mom, and she’s says, “Absolutely not.” You immediately assume that she doesn’t trust your friends, thinks you pick lousy friends and maybe even hates your friends. And you tell her so! Yep, the perfect beginning to the perfect argument!

  Or . . . you could tell her calmly that you really want to practice doing things on your own and ask her why she doesn’t want you to go. (Note the word calmly. You are seeking information, not a fight here!) You choose this route and find out that it’s not the friends she doesn’t approve of, it’s the movie! Turns out she read a review online and found out that it has really graphic sexual scenes and even shows naked breasts right there on the screen!

  Wow! She really did have a good reason. You would have been mortified to be sitting right next to Derek when they showed naked breasts on the screen! So now that you know her reason, you can compromise. You can still go to movies; just pick a different one—preferably one without naked people prancing across the screen! You get to do something all on your own, and your mom gets to establish some safe boundaries for your independence.

  See, once you understand what your developmental tasks are, it helps you explain to your parents why you want to do things “on your own.” Tell your parents that you want to learn how to do things that will ultimately help you take care of yourself as an adult. We’re betting you’ll get lots of “maturity” points for that!

  Where’s the Instruction Manual?

  So how do parents handle your changing brain and your new task of becoming independent?

  Oh, that’s easy. They’ll just turn to of the How to Raise Teenagers Instruction Manual and refer to the easy-to-follow steps found there in the middle of the page. What?!? You didn’t come with a manual? No instruction booklet? Well, this does complicate things. . . .

  Looks like your parents are on their own when it comes to your changing brain and independent streak. Letting go of their little girl, deciding safe boundaries and giving up some control when it comes to safety, friends and your whereabouts isn’t always easy. And it’s different for everyone.

  For some parents it’s an easy task. For others it’s torture. Some parents are happy that they don’t have to watch you constantly anymore. Some might even give you more independence than you want. Lots of parents have already gone through this with older siblings and “know the ropes.” Others are anxious first-timers. And some parents may never give up treating you like a six-year-old.

  Parents with Style

  The way your parents handle these changes will depend a lot on their “parenting style.” “Style?” you say. “My parents have no style.” Ahh . . . you may be right, but we’re not talking high fashion, clever conversation or cool cars. We’re talking about the ways they discipline you, treat your friends and talk to you.

  So what is your parents’ parenting style? Take this quiz, and we’ll help you figure it out.

  Check your parents’ typical response:

  Scene 1: A really cute guy invites you to a party at his house. You don’t know him very well, but he hangs out with a bunch of popular boys who seem pretty nice. You ask your parents if you can go to the party with your best friend. Your parents respond with:

  A. Wow, he sounds cute! Go get ’em, girl!

  B. You are not going, and that is final!

  C. Who’s having it? Where will it be? Will there be alcohol?Will there be chaperones? Who else will be there? What’s his phone number so I can call to make sure his parents will be there?

  Scene 2: Your best friend, who is usually very nice and innocent, comes over to go to the movies with you. She brings along some clothes for you to borrow, and you end up wearing her very short, very tight, very low-rise jean skirt and a shirt that is quite sheer. Your parents take one look at you and say:

  A. Hot outfit! Girl, you look good!

  B. Yo
u are not going anywhere dressed like that.

  C. I don’t think your outfit is sending the right message to people about the type of girl that you are. If you are trying to look older, your red shirt and your own skirt might do a better job.

  Scene 3: You and your boyfriend are going to a school football game. After the game, you want to invite him back to your house to hang out until his curfew. Your parents say . . .

  A. Great! We’ll be out, but we’ll leave the door open for you.

  B. You spend too much time with that boy. Be home by 10:00, and we expect him to be gone by 10:15.

  C. What time should we expect you? We’ll be out, but we’ll make sure to be home before you are.

  Scene 4: Your friends are over jumping on your trampoline. You all start jammin’ to some loud music, so loud that the neighbors complain. Your parents say:

  A. Kids will be kids. Nothing I can do about it.

  B. Everybody inside! No more trampoline. You kids are too wild.

  C. You are keeping the neighbor’s kids awake with the loud music. How about turn the volume down to 5, and let’s see if that helps.

  The Results

  A is for “Always Cool”

  If you answered mostly A, your parents may be acting more like a best friend than a parent. We’ll call them Permissive parents. Permissive means that they let you do kind of whatever you want to do.

  Woo hoo! Party time! Stay out late! Use Mom’s credit card! Eat whatever I want! Hang wherever I want! Sounds like a blast, huh? Your friends may think it’s cool that your parents let you totally do your own thing, but teens actually do better and learn to have a healthier independence when there are rules. That’s not just what we say. Science proves it!

  Permissive parents aren’t necessarily trying to be “bad” parents; they just may be giving you too much freedom as you push for more independence. Kids who have a free-for-all with clothes, curfews and spending money often find themselves wishing for some guidance or someone who takes an interest in keeping them safe and on track.

  Another way Permissive parenting happens is when your parents are acting more like a teenager than like a parent. They try to dress like you and talk like you. They might even hang with you and your buds and let you do adult stuff that a lot of parents wouldn’t allow. Some parents think that they can take better care of you if they are your “best friend.” They mean well, but they don’t realize that what you really need is a parent and not another “best friend.” If you have Permissive-type parents, we bet you know what we’re talking about.

  If you’re in a family situation where there’s not much supervision or interest in what you are doing or your parents are acting more like a teenager than you are, you can talk with another trusted adult like another relative, a friend’s parent, a teacher, a coach or a counselor. They can help you establish healthy boundaries for yourself.

  B is for “Because I Said So”

  If you answered mostly B, your parents may want to make all your decisions for you. We’ll call them Authoritarian parents. That means that they know what’s right. Period. No discussion.

  They truly may know what’s right, but the problem is that you can’t learn to make good decisions if you don’t know why your parents set certain rules. If you don’t have choices, even options they come up with for you to choose from, you end up with not much chance to prove yourself.

  Use it or lose it. For certain parts of our brains, that’s the way it works. Research shows that we have to start using the brain’s decision-making center by adolescence. If you don’t learn to make some decisions for yourself, you will lose the ability to make good decisions later in life. If someone else is always making decisions for you: what to wear, where to go, who to hang with, when to eat and sleep and do all the chores you have to do on a daily basis . . . you’ll never figure out for yourself how to manage your time or your ability to decide things.

  Authoritarian parents don’t always mean to prevent you from ever learning to grow up, but they often don’t give you the chance. So are they just control freaks? Maybe so, maybe not. It could be that you’ve messed up a lot and have given them a reason to think you can’t make good decisions. Maybe you’ve broken lots of simple rules, so they think you can’t handle bigger things. The best thing to do is promise them that you can make good decisions, that you want a chance to make good decisions. Then do it! Gain their trust—and trust is something that you have to earn. Prove you deserve independence and then ask for more.

  Sometimes Authoritarian parents may take their punishment too far. Sometimes they may be just too harsh and may even be abusive. If your parents leave marks on your body, lock you away or degrade you all the time, you’ve got a bigger problem than just “strict” parents. If any of that happens to you, it is important for you to tell someone you trust who can help you get out of danger. Sometimes your parents may just need some help learning better ways to discipline you, and sometimes they are just plain dangerous for you and your siblings. Kids who are abused by their parents can get help from people like school counselors, youth leaders, doctors, nurses or teachers. If it’s happening to you, please talk to someone about it.

  C is for “Cooperators”

  If you answered mostly C, your parents are working hard to find a balance between your job of becoming independent and their job of giving you safe space to make your own decisions. We’ll call them Assertive-Democratic parents. Assertive simply means that they state their case; they let you know what they think and why they think it. Democratic means that they often give you choices. It may not always be exactly what you want to do, but they will provide a number of safe options for you to choose from.

  These parents know who your friends are, what your interests are, where you are and when you’ll be home. They are involved in your life but also give you room to grow some independence.

  Assertive-Democratic parents seem to provide the best opportunities for helping their kids make the transition into young adulthood. These parents don’t just pop into this category, though. They learn by being Permissive sometimes, Authoritarian sometimes and then discovering the balance of Assertive-Democratic. Since you didn’t come with an instruction manual, parenting involves a lot of trial and error!

  Being a teen also involves a lot of trial and error. You have to discover which category your parents seem to hang out in. Maybe you have one parent who is Permissive about clothes and Authoritarian about schoolwork. Another is usually Assertive-Democratic about your social life but occasionally swings to Authoritarian when it comes to dating. Confusing? You betcha!

  When you look at your parents, you’ll probably see a combination of Permissive, Authoritarian and Assertive-Democratic qualities. That can be good. Even parents who are 100 percent Assertive-Democratic have good reason to be what you may think is Authoritarian or Permissive at times. They may need to tell you what to do absolutely, period, no discussion if it is an issue you have already discussed, involves a choice you have already been allowed to make, and you are making a poor choice for the third time.

  They may seem Permissive if you are not taking responsibility for a decision they think you can make on your own. They may push you to decide between going to a friend’s house and getting a jump-start on a huge research project if you have always counted on them to make that decision for you. In this case, their response, “Whatever you think is best,” forces you to use your brain’s decision-making center.

  By now, we guess you are figuring out the truth about parents—they don’t come with an instruction manual either!

  How to Get Your Way with Your Parents

  If you are going hog-wild with the independence thing by talking on the phone all night; eating nothing but pizza, mac ’n’ cheese and soda; and buying a brand-new outfit every weekend . . . Hey, hey, hey! Slow down there!

  If getting your way means unlimited phone calls, junk food and trips to the mall, you won’t learn how to make that happen from us! We’ve alr
eady said that growing up does not mean that you get to do whatever you want to do whenever you want to do it. And getting your way with your parents isn’t the same as having a rules-free home.

  But if getting your way means “gaining independence,” we can help you there! The real challenge is figuring out how to deal with these different parenting styles—Authoritarian, Permissive and Assertive-Democratic. You need a plan that allows you to gain independence and figure out who you are, but still lets your parents do their job of protecting you, loving you and raising you to adulthood.

  The Drill Sergeant

  First, let’s take a look at Authoritarian parents.

  Authoritarian parents make clear rules which are unbending. They expect obedience, and breaking a rule is strictly punished. Now we’re not saying that rules, boundaries and consequences are bad. In fact, they are really good for you. It’s just that teens need some room to make decisions for themselves. And that can’t happen if an Authoritarian drill sergeant of a parent directs every detail of your life with no explanation or choices.