Girlology: A Girl's Guide to Stuff that Matters Read online

  Feeling ignored, unknown and invisible can be the worst feeling of all. If it happens to you, you can believe it has happened to a lot of other girls, too. When you find someone who has had the same feeling, it’s almost a relief to know you are not alone, and better yet, you are not invisible! Nobody is. Sometimes it just takes finding the friend who sees you well. People who ignore you are just looking at superficial stuff. They obviously don’t know who you are on the inside—the real you.

  We’ll let you in on a big secret. People put other people down to make themselves feel better . . . that means the popular girl who makes a snide comment about a classmate may be a little jealous. She probably sees something in another girl that she doesn’t have. That kind of bully wants to make her “prey” feel bad about themselves, so the bully can feel like she has power over them.

  So how do you handle it? What does a bully hope to get by bullying? Power. How do you keep the power away from a bully? You don’t give her what she wants, which is usually crying, feeling bad about yourself and sucking up to the bully. You have control over how you respond. You don’t have to feel bad about yourself just because someone wants you to. And you know what’s really cool? If the bully doesn’t get any power from you, she will leave you alone.

  Boy . . . Friends?

  Now through this whole thing, we have mostly talked about your girlfriends as being your best friends, but we need to back it up a minute. What about friends who are boys?

  Before we go any further, let’s set the record straight so we don’t get confused. When we talk about your friends who are boys, we mean boys that you don’t have a crush on and don’t have romantic interests in . . . we’ll call them guy friends. When we talk about the boy you hang out with and have romantic feelings for, a special boy you like and who likes you back . . . we’ll call them boyfriends.

  And then there are guys you have a crush on, but they don’t necessarily like you back in that same way. Your crush could be a famous singer who’s never met you or a guy in your math class who doesn’t even know you. Maybe it’s the boy next door who thinks of you as a little kid or the lifeguard you met this summer at the pool. Anyway, it’s a person who gives you “happy” butterflies in your stomach and someone you like to think about being romantic with, someone you want to know more about and someone you might think about a lot. We’ll call them crushes.

  It can get pretty confusing because your crush can become your boyfriend and a boyfriend should definitely be a crush. A guy friend can become a boyfriend or a crush and vice versa. So you see, all these friendships can overlap and get all tangled up to the point that you’re not really sure how to define the relationship. That’s okay, too. Nobody is going to give you a test on it. It’s just the lingo we’ll use in this book to try to keep us talking the same language.

  Lots of girls have great guy friends. Sometimes it’s easier to talk with a guy friend than it is to talk with your girlfriends. Guys and girls have different points of view on the same question. Guys and girls think differently, too. Something a girl thinks is a huge deal may be hardly worth talking about for a guy, and vice versa. Your guy friends can help you understand the ways boys think (“Boys think?” you say? Contrary to popular belief, they do!) and help put some things in perspective for you. Both girlfriends and guy friends are valuable friends.

  Nothing More Than Feelings

  There’s a fairly goofy old-school song that goes, “Feelings . . . nothing more than feelings. . . .” Nothing more than feelings? Ha! It’s more like nothing more important than feelings!

  Feelings will affect your friendships, your relationship with your parents, your interactions with teachers and your response to your siblings all day every day—especially while your brain is sending you those “Who am I?” messages. The tough thing about feelings is that they can grab hold of you with lightning speed even when it’s not a reasonable feeling based on truth. Based on truth? Here’s what that looks like:

  A girl at school calls you a loser. Are you a loser? No, but you still feel insecure.

  You get a bad grade on a test. Was the test unfair? No, but you still feel angry at your teacher.

  A classmate makes fun of the car your mother drives. Is a minivan a perfectly good mode of transportation? Yes, but you still feel defensive.

  Feelings aren’t bad, but the way we express feelings can be bad. Check your feelings against the truth of what’s happening. That first feeling that sweeps over you may change!

  Agree to Disagree

  Tolerance. It’s a word that gets tossed around a lot these days. Everyone has a right to her opinion, her own likes and dislikes, and her own ideas. Being tolerant of other people’s opinions doesn’t necessarily mean you agree with them. Tolerance means you put up with things (opinions, beliefs, actions, appearances) that you may not agree with. It doesn’t mean that you don’t have opinions of your own or that you can’t argue your own opinion. It simply means you have to listen to the other side, be open to new ideas and agree to disagree if you don’t find common ground. Learning to agree to disagree is part of learning tolerance and respect.

  Tolerance also means that people can behave, dress, speak and look different from you, but you learn to accept them for who they are, even if you don’t like what you see or hear (as long as they are not physically or emotionally hurting you).

  All of our differences make up the diversity in the world. Tolerance is accepting the diversity and learning to appreciate it for making the world an interesting place. You’ve probably heard it before, but it’s worth saying again . . . if everyone in the world were the same, the world would be a very boring place! We are good at enjoying the things we have in common with our friends, but we have to learn to respect and appreciate our differences as well as our similarities.

  You can respect someone’s opinion without agreeing with it. Learning respect and tolerance can be tough, but it’s important. It helps you keep the peace with people who are different from you. That’s how we can each contribute to peace on a larger scale—in our schools, in our cities, in our countries, even in the world. Not to be corny, but there’s a great song about it: “Let there be peace on earth, and let it begin with me. . . .” It’s about tolerance and respect. These are good things to remember when you are building your Girl Power.

  What Do You Do with Feelings?

  Feelings are a big-time part of friendships. Friends can make us feel happy, comfortable, content and safe. But some friends can give us bad feelings by making us feel jealous, embarrassed, threatened or angry.

  What do you do when you have these bad feelings? Do you explode in a fit of angry words? Do you punch something? Or somebody? Do you hold it all inside and erupt like a volcano later on? Do you cry? Put yourself down? Hang your head in shame?

  No doubt about it, feelings have to be expressed. Having feelings is not one of those things you have a choice about; how you respond is a powerful thing you can choose.

  Okay, let’s start with the punching response. Smacking someone across the face will always make the situation worse. Once the punching starts, everyone totally forgets what they are arguing over. Lots of black eyes, bloody noses and scratch marks. No solutions.

  Instead, try sentences like these:

  I don’t like it when you drive too fast because it makes me feel scared.

  I don’t want you to touch me like that because it’s uncomfortable for me.

  I don’t agree that she’s a nerd just because she likes classical music.

  That’s not true. You can get pregnant the first time you have sex; I read it in our health book.

  It’s not fair to exclude her just because she wears black fingernail polish.

  Use words! State your case! It will help you release your feelings even if the other person just argues back.

  But what if that doesn’t really work? What if you still are boiling with emotion? First of all, if anyone hits you, bullies you over and over again or makes you feel asha
med because they talk dirty to you or touch your body in ways that make you uncomfortable, go to an adult for help! None of these things should happen to you. You deserve to be protected from this kind of bullying and abuse, and the people who do it should be stopped!

  That’s the worst-case scenario. But usually your feelings overflow from a personal disagreement. Step back, get away from the situation that has you all wound up and cool down. Count to ten. Grab a piece of paper, and write down your feelings. Write a letter to yourself, a letter to the person who caused your feelings to erupt or a journal entry. Talk to someone about it. Send the letter if you want, or rip it to shreds if that feels better. Get it out and let it go, or get it out and do something to help the situation! A lot of times, just getting your feelings out with your voice or on paper can help a ton!

  Need Help?

  Sometimes the pain of feelings can get so bad that you may be tempted to “deaden the pain.” That’s when some girls and guys turn to alcohol and drugs to get “high” and “forget about it.” They may look for sex to feel wanted. Some may try self-mutilation (scratching, cutting or hurting yourself in other ways) to block out bad feelings with physical pain or to get rid of “numb” feelings.

  What? Are you crazy? Cut myself just because I’m angry? We know that’s what some of you are thinking. But some of you may have already tried it, thought about it or know someone who has done it. It’s a painful, desperate situation and more common than we’d like to think. It can be a cry for help when you don’t know exactly how to get help. And if your friends are encouraging you to use sex, drugs, alcohol or cutting to “feel better,” they need help, too.

  Find someone you trust. If not your parents, maybe a teacher, a coach, a religious leader or another adult relative. Believe it or not, they went through the exact same changes you are going through. They might be surprised, but they may have had some of the same thoughts and fought similar battles. They have most likely known someone or even helped someone dealing with the same stuff. And they can help you get the kind of help you need.

  If you’re afraid to talk to an adult, ask a friend to find help for you. If you know of someone doing these things, tell an adult. Sex, drugs, alcohol and cutting are not secrets you want to keep. In fact, they are dangerous secrets to keep.

  How do you know when you are getting angry?

  How do you express your anger?

  How can you deal with your anger better?

  So, What’s the Point?

  So why did we have to go through the good, the bad and the ugly on friendships? The point is that everyone your age is going through the same thing. Everyone is trying to accomplish the normal and necessary task of growing up—becoming more independent from their families and figuring out who they are.

  That means that there are a lot of confused and mixed-up kids roaming the halls of your school and the streets of your neighborhood. Guys and girls are growing into new bodies, changing friends, trying new things, experiencing unusual emotions, expressing themselves in interesting ways and figuring out their own feelings. Plus they are trying to figure out why everyone else is acting the way they are!

  Whew! That’s a lot to do. But it explains why your best friend turns mean one day and is back to normal three days later. It explains why the boy you’ve known since preschool, the same one you played cops and robbers with in first grade and soccer with in third grade, suddenly looks “cute” to you in sixth grade. It explains why you want to crawl into your dad’s lap one day and then think he is an embarrassing dork the next.

  It can be strange, but it definitely is normal. You are trying on new personalities, new friendships, new ways of thinking and figuring out where you fit in. One of the hardest parts of growing Girl Power involves learning how to be and how to find good girlfriends (and guy friends). You can’t control what your friends do or who they become, but you have the power to choose friends who bring out the best in you. So let the bad friends roll, and you rock on, girl friend !

  3

  Where Have All the Normal Parents Gone?

  So one night your parents go to bed normal, nice, reasonable people, and the next morning they wake up random, clueless, goofy aliens. Sound familiar?

  But wait a minute. Before we talk about how weird parents can seem to teenagers, let’s talk about parents in general. While the traditional family with a mom, a dad, some kids and a few pets is still strong, there are lots of other types of “parental arrangements.” Some kids are raised by a stepparent, some by a grandparent, some by only a mom and some by only a dad. Some are raised by a guardian, some by a parent and his or her “partner,” and some by other parent substitutes. Other kids have one parent for a few days a week and another parent for the other days. That means some kids are dealing with four “parent types” on a regular basis!

  The possibilities for parental arrangements seem endless, but do you get the picture? Parents come in all shapes, sizes and colors. They can be wrinkled grandmas, necktie-wearing salespeople or entrepreneurs with an office in the basement. They can be blood relatives, adoptive parents, family members by marriage or foster parents.

  So when we talk about parents,we want you to envision the adults in your life who sign your permission slips. They are the people who buy you food, clothing, shelter and the occasional movie ticket. They discipline you, love you and protect you. If you don’t have the traditional family of mom, dad, brother, sister, Fido . . . you are definitely not alone, and all this parent talk still applies to you. When we say “parents” or “mom” or “dad,” you can read that however it fits in your life.

  And now back to the topic we’ve all been waiting for—clueless parents!

  Ch-Ch-Changes

  Okay, we know that preteen and teenager brains and bodies are changing. But what about parents? Do they seem to be morphing into more nagging, embarrassing, uninformed beings every day? Is it them? Is it you? Let’s settle this issue fair and square . . . quiz time! Check “T” or “F.”

  T F

  My parent(s) embarrass me in front of my friends.

  My parent(s) don't understand me.

  My parent(s) ask too many questions.

  My parent(s) don't like my friends.

  My parent(s) nag me about the way I dress.

  My parent(s) don't trust me.

  My parent(s) let my brother/sister get away with everything!

  My parent(s) are way too nosy about my schoolwork and social life.

  My parent(s) don't listen to me.

  If you answered true to any of these questions, guess what? You’re normal. You’re like a lot of teens, in fact, a vast majority of teens, who think their parents “just don’t get” them. Why are parents that way? This may come as a big surprise, but it’s a little bit about them and a lot about you.

  The funny thing is that your parents probably haven’t changed the way they are; they are just dealing with teenage issues now. These issues are different and more serious than little kid things, so parents may seem more strict and annoying in the way they guide you.

  The real difference is the way you see them and respond to them. Your perception of your parents is changing pretty quickly!

  But Why?

  Remember how your body is changing, and your brain is changing, too? Those brain changes make you see your parents a little differently. When you were younger, you expected your parents to be totally involved and physically present in every aspect of your life. You may not have liked the rules, but you liked your parents being there because you needed their help. The world was bigger and scarier, and you relied on your parents to guide you through unfamiliar situations.

  Well, now that you’ve been around longer, the world is not such a scary place. You can walk to a friend’s house without getting lost. You can heat up pizza in the microwave. You can stay at home by yourself without being afraid. You can check out library books, make phone calls, pay a cashier and even be in charge of younger children.

  Now whe
n your parents give you limits and rules, you don’t think, “I feel safe.” You think, “Hey! You’re trampling on my independence!” And that’s a normal response. The bottom line is that you and your parents have to grow into your new independent being. They will have to change their rules and their limits to allow you to be more independent. You will have to earn independence bit by bit.

  Be patient! Most parents want what’s best and safest for their kids. The more you prove that you can be responsible with the little things (chores, keeping up with your own stuff, calling when you get to a friend’s house), the more independence they will give you. Voilà! Everyone is happy!

  You Grow, Brain!

  Just as your body has to grow into an adultlike body, your brain has to change into an adultlike brain (sound creepy?). And just as your body takes years to grow all those “woman parts,” your brain takes your entire teen years to grow.

  Two particular parts of your brain are growing like crazy! The first big grower is the part that helps you understand things like algebra. That’s why we don’t learn algebra in the second grade—our brains couldn’t handle it! The same area in your brain also lets you understand “invisible” things like faith, trust, feelings and values. That’s why you may be questioning the faith and values of your family. While it can be a little unsettling, kind of like thinking without a safety net, don’t be afraid to question. Your parents may have taught you well, but your brain is now telling you to claim faith and values for yourself. Go for it!