Girlology: A Girl's Guide to Stuff that Matters Read online

  Independence is a very grown-up word. It doesn’t mean “I get to do whatever I want to do, whenever I want to do it.” Your brain tells you to become more independent so you can mature into an adult—not turn into a wild and reckless party animal!

  The parents of all you party-animals-in-the-making also have a job to do as you gain independence. Their job is to make sure you can handle it. As much as it may bug you, your parents are doing their job when they want to meet your friends, give you curfews, supervise the clothes you wear and ask where you are going. That’s what their brains are wired to do. We’ll talk more about your parents in the next chapter. Let’s get back to you and your independence.

  Just in case you were getting a little nervous about the whole independence thing, relax. You don’t have to do it all by yourself. Of course, you have your parents to help you along the way, but you also have friends. A group of friends is super important as you become more independent and figure out who you are. It can be kind of hard, though, because there are all kinds of cliques and groups, and you may not be sure where you fit in. Sometimes you feel more comfortable with your family; sometimes you click with one group of friends, sometimes with another group.

  Time to figure out where you fit in!

  Who Am I?

  Huh? You don’t already know who you are? Well, you have a name, an address and a birth date. That’s a start. Take a look in the mirror. You have a unique look and a personal style.

  Those are some of the givens. But who you are depends more on the decisions you make, ways you act, stuff you experience and challenges you take on.

  “Who am I?” is a deep question. Thankfully, it doesn’t have to be totally answered right now. Whether you know it or not, your brain is causing you to do things, have feelings and make choices that are getting you closer to the answer. It’s a question you will be working on your entire life. But for now, you can’t help but deal with it a little bit . . . and sometimes a lot.

  Around your middle school and high school years, your brain sends you messages that you might not even notice. It’s telling you to try new things, new thoughts and new ideas. This helps you “try on” some new things to see what fits. It helps you answer tough questions like: What’s important to me? How do I want other people to see me? Is there someone I look up to and want to be like one day? How will I dress? What will I look like, sound like, act like, be when I’m grown up? It’s important to remember that you can’t prevent these messages and impulses from your growing brain, but you can control the way you respond to them by staying in control of your actions and behaviors.

  What are words you want people to use to describe you? Loyal? Fun? Intelligent? Clever? Creative? Patient? Kind? Artsy? Curious? Dramatic? Well, show them who you are!

  For example, you decide that kindness is a trait that describes you. Well, to be a kind person, you have to act like a kind person! (Surprise!) Begin noticing when you do and don’t do things. Pick up a stranger’s book when she drops it. Save a seat at lunch for your friend. Compliment a girlfriend on her new haircut. Fix your own lunch when your mom is running late. Find at least one nice thing to say about a girl that other girls are gossiping about. Want to be known as reliable and trustworthy? Then do what you say you will do. Keep the secret you said you would keep. Be on time. Call when you say you will call. Return the shirt you borrowed, and make sure it is clean!

  People will know you by your actions. Actions really do speak louder than words. And it’s all part of your brain telling you to be more independent. There are probably lots of qualities you want others to know you by.

  Maybe you see yourself as kind, creative and honest. Maybe you are generous, trustworthy and funny. How about creative, loyal and colorful? Pick a few qualities you’d like to show, and show them off! In many ways, you can choose what kind of person you want to be and then make it happen.

  Words I want other people to use to describe me:

  Things I can do so that people will see me as I want to be seen:

  Friends—Are They Walkin’ or Just Talkin’?

  This whole “actions speak louder than words” thing helps you become the person you want to be . . . and it also lets you see what kind of people your friends really are. And when you know what other people are really like, that helps you know where you fit in.

  Do you know any girls (or guys) who say they are your friends but then do things that aren’t so friendly? Like the girl who spots you across the room in that new, cool jacket she saw at the mall and suddenly she is falling all over you, calling you “her new best friend” and asking you to sit at her lunch table? Then you find out she’s telling other girls you think you’re “so cool” because of your fancy new clothes? Seen it happen? Been there, done that?

  Doesn’t it make you angry? What that girl says and what she does just don’t match up! That’s called “talkin’ the talk” (she says she is a friend) but not “walkin’ the walk” (she doesn’t act like a friend).

  True friends encourage you and build you up. They listen. They focus on the good things about you. They are honest and loyal. They tell you when you have toilet paper stuck to your shoe or your shirt’s on inside out. They say nice things about you to other people. They keep your secrets. They apologize when they mess up.

  True friends don’t tear you down, “dis” you or make you feel foolish. They don’t gossip about you or focus on your weaknesses. They don’t tell you that you look great when they know your fly is wide open or let you talk to your crush with broccoli in your braces. They definitely don’t call you mean or embarrassing names, especially in front of other people.

  Remember we talked about there being things that just happen to you (breasts, hips, pimples, periods) and other things you have choices about (when you kiss a guy, what you talk to your parents about, how you take care of your body)? Thankfully, friends are one of those things you get to choose!

  And girl, you have some serious choices to make! We already know that your brain is telling you to be more independent, to spend more time away from your family and with your friends. The friends you choose to spend this extra time with are important! And the great news is that you have the power to make important choices like this that matter.

  What do you value most in a friend? Trustworthiness? Loyalty? Rowdiness? Braininess? Humor? Religious devotion? Joyfulness? Truthfulness? Kindness? We could go on for pages and pages, because the truth of the matter is that you will choose friends with a combination of many traits you admire.

  Try this. When you are deciding who will be in your close circle of friends, ask yourself: Is she walkin’ or just talkin’? If her actions match her words, you have a friend worth keeping! Here are some examples:

  Scenario Talkin' the Talk Walkin' the Walk

  You have a crush on Luke. Luke asks your best friend to meet him at the movies. She knows that you would be hurt if you thought Luke liked her instead. Your friend tells you that Luke is a loser so you won't like him anymore, and she meets him at the movie in secret. Your friend tells Luke that she is flattered, but she can't go. She suggests that he calls you because she knows you don't have anything planned for Friday

  The big party of the year is coming up. Your best bud is invited, but you aren't. One of the girls having the party tells your friend that she thinks you are a nerd and encourages her to come hang with the "popular" kids. Your best bud tells you she has family plans, but she goes to the party anyway. Your friend thanks the hostess for the invitation, but she hangs with you instead. She realizes that if they don't respect you for who you are, then they are not the type of people she wants to hang with anyway.

  Your friend is walking down the hall and sees you coming out of the bathroom. The hem of your cute skirt is accidentally tucked in your underwear, and your butt is almost showing. She's a long way down the hall. She laughs hysterically, ducks into her next class and tells everyone about it. She runs down the hall and quietly stands behind you, tells you and makes
sure you get your skirt right.

  You tell your best friend two big secrets. One, your parents are separating. Two, you are seeing a therapist to help you with your emotions. It's obvious you are very sensitive about these two issues. Your friend acts all sad for you, but then you find out she told another girl that you are seeing a therapist so you must be "crazy." Your friend offers emotional support and keeps your secrets. She is there for you whenever you need her, and she's a great listener.

  Introducing . . . Miss Popularity!

  Remember Girl Power? It’s the confidence that lets you make choices that are good for you, even if they aren’t the same choices everybody else is making. Well, get ready to use your Girl Power, because the crazy thing is that sometimes the most popular girls are the ones who tear you down and don’t build you up. Go figure!

  That kind of popularity is usually based on negative things. Some girls bully their way into being popular by intimidating or threatening people. Maybe they make you wish you had their gorgeous hair, killer clothes or good body. Maybe they flaunt their “sexiness” or put other people down. Lots of people seem almost afraid of this kind of popular girl because they don’t want to be on her “bad side.”

  Oh, the glitz . . . the glamour . . . the fame of basking in the glow of the ever-popular, ever-beautiful, ever-manipulative girls! Yuck! The bottom line is that choosing positive, caring, trustworthy friends might mean that you have to distance yourself from a particular popular crowd.

  That’s the yuck side of popularity. But “popularity” is not always a word you choke down like a bitter pill. There are marvelous reasons to be popular. They are all reasons about who you are, what your strengths are, what your talents are and things you have in common with other people. All positive things about you!

  Popular just means that certain people like you. The soccer goalie is popular with the athletic crowd. The guy who plays Romeo in the school play is popular with the drama crowd. The girl who reads to sick children at the hospital is popular with the community service crowd. Everybody can be popular in her own way!

  And remember that being popular is not the same as having a lot of friends. True friends know each other well, not just superficially. Just because a lot of people may know someone or may like her doesn’t necessarily mean they are all her good friends. Consider yourself lucky if you have even one close friend who is the true, heart-to-heart, soul-to-soul, secret-sharing, help-you-through-anything, stand-up-for-you-always kind of friend. Now, that’s more important than popular will ever be!

  En Garde! Words as Weapons

  Think about the last five times you got into an argument with a friend. What happened most often? Did you get your feelings hurt by something she said, or did she bust your lip with a vicious punch to the chin? We’re betting your friend’s weapon of choice was her words and not her fist.

  The weapon of choice among girls—words?!? Well, think about it. Feelings are fragile things, and some words can be like a sword piercing right through your gut! Consider the following verbal attacks:

  You help a guy friend with math homework, and another girl tells everybody, “She is so in love with him!” Ouch!

  “Those jeans are totally Kmart.” Ouch!

  “Idiot!” Double ouch!

  When you hear these things, think “Girl Power!” Am I an idiot? No. Am I totally in love with every guy friend I help out? No. Are my jeans Kmart? Well, maybe, but they are the cutest pair in town, so who cares?

  Unfortunately, we can’t control physical brain changes and hormones, so gossiping, insults, backstabbing and discouragement will always be around. But remember, just because someone says it about you doesn’t make it true.

  Of course, piercing words aren’t just what “other girls” use. Your brain is telling you to fit in; it’s telling you to join a group separate from your family; it’s even telling you to exclude people from your circle of friends. Hey, brain, cut that out!

  What Kind of Friend Are You?

  Whew! That’s a pretty unpleasant picture we’ve painted. So are middle school and high school nothing but a bunch of mean girls tearing each other to pieces? Heck, no!

  While you can’t control the physical things that happen to you, you can control (Girl Power!) how you react to them. Once again, we get to balance the things we can’t control (brain and hormone changes) with things we can control (actions). We can choose to put down that sword, retract those claws and be a good friend to those around us. The Golden Rule is the perfect guide for friendship: Treat others the way you want them to treat you.

  Remember that all middle and high school girls’ brains are giving them signals to be more independent and try on new ideas, actions and attitudes. You don’t need to totally drop a friend the first time she is mean to you. People change! Maybe that same girl just tried on a “snobby” personality for a couple days and found it didn’t fit. Remember, you’re all working through this together.

  A great way to have true friends is to be a true friend. Remember that you will be insulting and you will gossip about other people. Some girls will do it more than others, but a good friend will apologize (and mean it) when she messes up. And good friends accept apologies graciously.

  Now we get to the meat of friendship . . . what kind of friend are you? Do your actions match up to your words? Do you treat other people the way you want to be treated? When you choose friends by asking yourself, “Are they walkin’ or just talkin’?” ask the same about yourself. Remember that list of words you want other people to use to describe you? Do your actions make those things true about you, or is it just talk?

  What have you done lately that was “just talkin’”?

  1.

  2.

  3.

  What have you done lately that was really “walkin’”?

  1.

  2.

  3.

  Cliques

  What do you look for in a friend? Does a girl have to wear the trendiest clothes? Be athletic? Read two novels a week? Wear black all the time? Play in the band? Be a drama queen, a cheerleader or a yearbook staffer?

  You’ve seen the groups. They hang out together, eat lunch together, and sometimes even dress and act alike. Lots of groups have names. In most schools there are jocks, cheerleaders, preppies, goths, brainiacs, druggies, gearheads and artsy-fartsies. Your school probably has other groups that don’t have such stereotypical names but are just as well-known. Can you name them?

  Preteen and teen girls have a funny way of defining their groups. Clique is one way to describe a group of people who hang together. The word clique is usually used in a sort of negative way. Cliques can give “outsiders” a negative feeling because a lot of cliques don’t let anyone else in, and they can be snobby and mean about it.

  Have you ever seen a group make fun of other people who aren’t like them? When groups of people get together, they feel a lot more powerful than any one person would ever feel alone. In a group, people will do things they would never do on their own—sometimes mean things or risky things. At the head of many cliques is a leader who likes control. Some of these leaders win friends by insisting on loyalty and making people scared they will be excluded if they don’t go along with everything the leader says.

  But there are also good leaders. They are the girls who gather people together based on shared interests. They welcome new friends into the group. And they allow you to have other friends outside of the group. They don’t boss their friends. These types of groups also have more power than any one individual would have, and they can accomplish powerful and amazing things—good things.

  You may even belong to several different groups. You can be a soccer player and a brainiac at the same time. You can share common interests with your neighborhood friends and your friends from your religion’s youth group. The girls you meet at a Red Cross babysitting class can even become a clique because you all share the same job.

  You may be in a group or clique yourself. Do other people
have a special name for your group?

  Who is in your group?

  What do all the girls in your group have in common?

  Do you welcome other girls or exclude them?

  Outsiders and Feelings of Isolation

  We hate to keep bringing up the yuck side of cliques, girl relationships and brain changes, but these things are important. Feelings of isolation and being on the outside are normal and real.Really real. At some point, almost everyone experiences these feelings a little or a lot. They happen to you and every one of your classmates.

  For starters, kids who make other people feel isolated and on the outside on purpose are not worth a minute of your time. That just had to be said. We know that’s an easy statement to make and a tough statement to live by. But we also know that it is true!

  Girls who want to make other girls feel left out use some pretty sneaky tactics. They’ll tell secrets, start rumors, exclude you, give you the silent treatment or manipulate you with confusing talk and demands. They may try to “steal” your other friends by monopolizing their time or telling them bad things about you.

  They may also use more obvious tactics like putting you down and making snide remarks in front of other people. They may tease you, harass you and reveal secrets you told them. They may even attack you physically. And sometimes they can totally ignore you and exclude you, like you are invisible or a puff of smoke they brush aside with a wave of the hand.