Girlology: A Girl's Guide to Stuff that Matters Read online

  Even if you want to mess around and you say it’s okay, sometimes sex can still be a crime. A crime? Yep. Let’s look at a real-life story:

  A 14-year-old girl and her boyfriend are kissing and move into heavy petting. She starts to feel uneasy with their actions and asks her boyfriend to stop. He is so sexually excited that he doesn’t listen and doesn’t stop. They end up having sex.

  There is a huge problem here. When two people are involved in sexual behaviors, they both have to agree to what they are doing. This is called consent, and it matters a ton! In fact, if someone does not give consent to sex, it is rape. The important thing about consent is that it should be “active,” meaning you both actually agree to sex or sexual touching by saying yes. “Passive” consent doesn’t count, because that’s when you don’t say anything, so he assumes you are okay going along with it. You can’t just assume what others want when it comes to something as personal as sex. So again, sex without consent is rape. As you already know, rape is a crime that is punished by law and can mean prison.

  What about the situation above where this is her boyfriend and she was okay with the petting, but not with going all the way? She wouldn’t want to get her boyfriend in trouble, but what he did is absolutely wrong.

  Remember, rape is a power issue, not a sex issue. Guys who don’t stop when asked aren’t interested in the girl or her feelings. They are only interested in their own power over her. Any guy can stop, even in the middle of sex, and it won’t hurt him in any way . . . so there’s no excuse. No means NO! Stop means STOP! Be clear about what you want and don’t want.

  What about times when you don’t say no but don’t want to go further? You can try body language, like turning away, pulling his hand away, closing your legs together. But guys are NOT good at understanding body language, especially in the heat of the moment. So you have to find your voice, no matter how hard, and utter the words, “STOP . . . I don’t want to do this.” A true love will understand and respect your feelings. A true love will wait until the time is right for both of you.

  What Does the Law Have to Do With Me and My Sex Life?!

  Another big issue with consent is that you have to be ABLE to GIVE consent. That means you have to be old enough and you have to have a clear mind. Old enough? Yes. States have laws that say when a teen is old enough to “consent” to having sex. The age is different among different states, but in general, it ranges from 14 to 17 years of age.

  There are reasons for these laws. When you are a young teen, even though you are smart and mature for your age, you still are not ready to handle all of the things that go along with having sex. This is so important that every state has this kind of law. That means that if a guy tries to have sex with a girl who is younger than the age of consent, it is illegal. Even if the girl says yes, it doesn’t matter because the state says she isn’t old enough to give permission. It would be like you trying to sign your own report card or permission slip. It’s not allowed, and the rules are very clear.

  Finally and importantly, people who are under the influence of alcohol or drugs are not ABLE to give consent. That means that if a girl is drunk, and a guy has sex with her, it is illegal because she can’t give consent. This is also rape and punishable by law.

  Scary, huh? Unfortunately, this is how a lot of girls end up having sex when they don’t mean to. Remember how we said that you have the power to make choices that help you stick to your boundaries— choices like not getting drunk or high, not being alone with a guy you’re not sure you can trust, or not going so far that it’s hard to stop before you have sex? Well, even if you make a poor decision, get drunk and end up in a bad situation, you do not deserve to be raped! If you are not able to give consent to sex, if you say NO or if you are too young to give consent, the sex is a crime. And the guy is wrong and can be punished by the law!

  If anything like this happens to you, speak up! Get help! Tell your parents, a teacher at school, a girlfriend’s mom—find someone who can help you. It will be tough. You may even feel like it was your fault if you were where you shouldn’t have been, doing things you shouldn’t have been doing or with people you shouldn’t have been with. Find your courage! It is not your fault, and a guy who forces sex on you, no matter what the circumstances, is a criminal.

  Healthy Sexuality

  We know that some of this stuff about sexuality and power sounds scary, and it is. The ways that people can abuse sex for power and for harm are really rotten. But remember, there is good power, too. There’s Girl Power. Learning to understand and use your sexuality in healthy ways is a big part of Girl Power; it can help you be in control and keep you healthy and safe.

  There is great power that comes from knowledge and making good choices about your body and what it can do. Your body is the tool you will use to enjoy your sexuality all your life, so it is important that you take good care of it and treat it with respect. Here’s how you develop the Girl Power that comes with healthy sexuality:

  • You understand and accept the changes happening in your body.

  • You do what you can to keep your body healthy.

  • You notice that you have sexual feelings.

  • You learn to appreciate your sexual feelings, but you act on them in a safe and responsible way.

  • You feel comfortable discussing sexual issues with your parents or another trusted adult.

  • You are respectful of other people’s sexual identities and choices but stand up for your own values.

  • You rely on your friends to help you learn about trust and being intimate with feelings.

  • You understand that some people use sex for power.

  • You look forward to a fulfilling sexual experience in a relationship that is meaningful and responsible; for most people, that means in a mature, committed adult relationship or marriage.

  That’s what Girl Power and Girlology is all about. So feel good about your sexuality! It’s a big part of who you are and who we hope you’ll become—a healthy, strong, smart young woman who’s got it going on, body, mind and soul!

  10

  Mixed Messages

  Sex is a hot topic. Just check out the cover of Seventeen magazine, the posters in your health class, TV shows, religious youth group programs and the rows of books on sexuality in Barnes & Noble. Everybody’s got something to say about sex.

  With all these different people weighing in on sex, it can be a confusing topic. So confusing that we can’t even agree on what to call it! In science we call it “reproduction.” Your parents might call it “making love.” Friends can call it “sleeping” with a boy. It’s called sex, sexual intercourse, as well as lots of not-so-proper names.

  Why do we have so many names for it? And why are some of the names “nice” and some aren’t nice at all? The reason is simple. Different people have lots of different ideas about sex. Some think it’s loving affection between husband and wife. Others think it’s just a fun way to relieve yourself when you feel sexually aroused or “horny.” Some people say sex is mainly for making babies. Other people do it for the sheer thrill and excitement. What a variety of ideas! What a bag of mixed messages!

  With all these mixed messages, how do we decide what’s right for us? Where do we get the information that helps us decide? Parents? Television? Church? Movies? Boyfriends? Teachers? Friends? Magazines? Internet?

  Whom do you listen to? How do you decide which messages are important and which are not so important? It’s hard! If you are like a lot of girls, you want to:

  • Fit in with your friends

  • Be liked by boys

  • Be trusted by your parents

  • Know about the latest trends

  Parents, girlfriends, boyfriends and the media can have different ideas about how your friends, boys, parental trust and trends fit in with your new sexual self. If you are paying attention to all these messages, here’s what you might hear:

  From Parents

  I’m glad you asked me.<
br />
  What?! Why are you interested in sex? Are you already doing it?

  Wait until you’re married.

  Use birth control.

  Sex is a gift you save for your husband.

  Sex is dirty.

  Sex is not healthy for teenagers.

  Sex is for adults only.

  Sex is wonderful if you are in the right relationship.

  Sex is dangerous.

  Sex is intimate and emotional.

  Sex is a gift from God.

  From Girlfriends

  I want to have sex now.

  I want to wait until I’m married to have sex.

  Sex is gross.

  I can’t believe you haven’t had sex yet!

  Sex is disappointing.

  Sex is fun.

  Sex is all about the guys.

  Sex is something that everyone is doing.

  Sex is scary.

  You need to use a condom.

  You only need to have sex if you want a baby.

  Boys only like you if you have sex.

  My boyfriend wanted to do it, so I did.

  My boyfriend wants to wait. Is that weird?

  Once you start having sex, it’s really hard to stop.

  From Boyfriends

  Guys have to have it to release tension.

  Let’s wait until we are both ready to do sexual things.

  Your sense of humor is what I love best about you.

  It gets me hot when you wear that micro-mini with the baby T.

  Everybody is doing it.

  We’ll just stop at second base.

  From Magazines, TV and Movies

  Sex is no big deal.

  Sex is exciting.

  Sex feels good.

  You will be happy if you have sex.

  Sex is always romantic and passionate.

  You need big boobs to be sexy.

  You need a skinny body to be sexy.

  You need tight jeans to be attractive to guys.

  You need a lot of makeup and perfect skin to have sex appeal.

  Everybody has sex with every boyfriend they ever have.

  You don’t even need to have a husband or a boyfriend to have sex! Just do it for fun!

  What Else Have You Heard?

  There’s a lot of contradiction here, isn’t there? They can’t all be right, so who is?

  Decision time!You have to decide what is right. And “right” here doesn’t mean the same thing it does on a test. No way. Right means what is healthy for your body, your emotions and your relationships—now and in the future. Your job is to check out all the messages you get and then decide what your own opinion is. Decide what is healthy for you.

  We’ve said it before, but it’s important enough to say again: Some of the people telling you about sex are interested in what’s best for you. They are usually people in relationships with you, people you know well and who care about you when it comes to things other than sex. Others are interested in what’s best for them. They usually want to sell you something or get their own way.

  So how do you respond to these ideas and pressures? We’ve just reviewed the messages themselves, now let’s talk about why they are so mixed up.

  Oh No, “The Talk”

  Lots of parents feel really awkward talking about sex. Maybe it’s because their parents didn’t talk with them. Or maybe they just can’t picture their baby girl as a sexual being. Some parents regret sexual choices they made as teens and are afraid to tell you about it.

  It’s hard for parents to imagine you as even thinking about sexual things. But their little girl is growing up (sniff, sniff ), and they see you changing a lot. You probably choose clothes and wear makeup to make yourself attractive to guys. You go to “boy-girl parties” where you hang out and maybe even flirt and dance with guys. You might even start to date. Cut your parents some slack! This isn’t exactly easy on them either!

  Parents handle the sex talk in lots of different ways. Do any of these sound familiar?

  1. “Read this book.” Some parents try to ignore the topic completely and just hand over a book like this one. As useful as this book is, it can’t replace honest conversation. If your parents hand you a book and then run in the opposite direction, chase them down and ask questions! Be brave and start the sex conversation yourself!

  2. “You’ll get pregnant, never finish high school and end up working at McDonald’s your entire life if you have sex.” Yikes! Scare tactics! Guilt! That pregnant/school dropout/McDonald’s thing certainly can happen, but your sexuality involves a lot more than just having sexual intercourse. It can be holding hands, kissing, touching, sharing secrets, emotional closeness and friendship. But sometimes parents are so afraid you will make a big mistake with sex that they are afraid to let you open the door on your sexuality in any way, shape or form. You’ll have to open that door. Respect their privacy, but ask them what choices they made as teens that they are happy with now, twenty or thirty years later. Which ones are they unhappy about? If they don’t want to talk about their personal experiences, respect their privacy. Maybe they would rather tell you stories about some of their friends’ experiences when they were teens.

  3. “I’m so glad you asked me. I’ve been wanting to talk to you about sex, but I wasn’t sure you were interested yet.” Some parents have no trouble discussing it at all. They are open and honest. They admit their fears and wishes for you as you develop sexually. They explore what a healthy relationship looks like with you and help you identify peer pressure. They give you reasons for wanting you to handle sex a certain way, and they help you decide based on your family’s values.

  Different parents can give you different messages about sex, but there is one thing you can be pretty certain of. They want what is best for you. Their opinion is one you can respect, even if they trip all over themselves telling it to you.

  The Talk among Teens

  Your friends and your boyfriend are right in the thick of this whole sexual development thing with you. Girlfriends are deciding to hold hands with a guy on Monday, to kiss a guy on Thursday, and then changing their minds again. They are experimenting with clothing and makeup styles that are hot and sexy. In doing that, some are finding out that what they wear can send the wrong message about the type of person they are. They are also figuring out the difference between guy friends, boyfriends and crushes. And why do guy friends turn into crushes so easily these days?

  Boyfriends are teens just like you—figuring this sex thing out as they go along. Some can be great friends as well as boyfriends. Those are the ones who talk to you about sexual things and respect your wishes. They don’t pressure you to do things you don’t want to do, and you don’t pressure them either. Those are the boyfriends who have what’s best for you in mind.

  And just like some girlfriends, some guys don’t have what’s best for you in mind. They are easy to pick out. They are the ones who have their best interests in mind—the guys who cause your girlfriends to say, “Sex is all about the boy.” They may tell you their bodies need sex, or you’ll do it if you love them, or you’re just a prude because everyone is doing it. Wrong, wrong and wrong again!

  Some friends will seem really confident and have tons of information about sex stuff you’ve never even heard of. But they are not experts. Beware of the information you get from other teens about sex. Lots of it is not true. We know. We hear it from our patients every day. Have you ever heard any of this before?

  • You can’t get pregnant the first time you have sex.

  • You can’t get pregnant if you are on your period.

  • You can’t get any infections from oral sex.

  • Sex is no big deal.

  • Everyone is doing it.

  • Boys have to have sex to release tension.

  Guess what. Every single one of these statements is FALSE. Remember, we know from research that most young teens are not having sex, but a lot of them like to make you think they are. Be careful about belie
ving everything a casual friend says about sex. Especially if she sounds like she is bragging or acting superior. It’s probably not true. She’s more likely trying to show off than help you decide what is best for you.

  Now your closest friends do want what is best for you. They don’t lie to you on purpose. It’s just that they don’t have all the information you need. But you can count on them to be honest, and together you can read books, talk to trusted adults and find out the truth about sex!

  The Talk in the Media

  News flash! The media is one group that is not worried about what’s best for you.

  Well, let’s take that back for just a minute. There are reporters and shows that provide great factual information that will help you make healthy decisions. And we give them credit. But the media we are talking about are a lot of the advertisers, entertainers and too many shows that are on TV every day. Entire books have been written about how these folks make girls feel bad about themselves and give people wrong impressions about what’s normal.

  TV shows make you think that sex always occurs suddenly in a moment of passion or hot sexiness. Guess what? Most sex happens in a more planned way where the couple has thought about it, talked about it and planned for ways to protect themselves from pregnancy and diseases.

  Magazines make you think that sexy women are all ultra skinny, in designer clothes and with perfect skin. Wrong again. Most women are nothing like that. In fact those women in the magazines aren’t really like that either! They have professional hair and makeup artists, wardrobe stylists and top-notch photographers whose jobs are to make them look perfect. Plus the photos are airbrushed or manipulated on a computer to cover up blemishes, cellulite and other imperfections before they are printed. Perfect bodies and skin? We don’t think so!