Girlology: A Girl's Guide to Stuff that Matters Read online

  People get brainwashed into thinking that what they see on TV and in magazines is what’s normal. Lots of girls compare themselves with the models and actresses they see and end up feeling bad about their looks or their clothes. If you want to see what’s really normal, take a look around your school lunchroom. You’ll see girls of all shapes and sizes— short and petite, broad-shouldered and muscular, size 2 and size 16, long hair and short hair, clumsy and graceful. The variety is endless!

  Take an Active Role!

  If you are like a lot of teen girls, you like reading magazines and watching TV. But you need to learn how to recognize when advertisers and producers are messing with your head. Fight back. If you see a TV show that is unrealistic—like sex between teens with no mention of birth control, diseases or emotional effects—write to the producer. If you see a magazine article or ad that promotes unrealistic bodies, cut it out and write a letter. Quit buying products that use ads that make girls feel bad about themselves, and send a letter to the company to tell them why. Advertisers want your money. That’s the whole reason they make these ads that get attention. Give them the type of attention they deserve— avoid their products and spread the word. Now that feels powerful!!

  Unmixing the Message

  So here you are. Sitting on a pile of mixed and opposite messages about sex. How do you figure it all out?

  You can discuss it with the people who want what is best for you. Your close friends, your parents, trusted adults like teachers, doctors, family members and friends’ moms.

  It works like this. First you get a mixed message. For example, you hear from an “experienced” girl that sex is scary, disappointing and gross.

  But you know that can’t always be true because why then would anyone ever do it? Plus you hear from your mom that it is also wonderful, intimate and a gift to be enjoyed. You’ve got to decide which is right!

  Your close friends can help you figure out exactly what things can make sex so yucky—the time, the place, the boy, your age, the relationship, the kind of sexual thing that girl was doing. You can learn from someone else’s experience, even if it is bad. If you want nothing less than wonderful when it comes to sexual things, then promise yourself to stay away from things that make it yucky. And stick to your promise!

  Then go ask your mom what makes sex such a wonderful, intimate gift. Write a list of things that may help make sex a wonderful thing for you some day. Promise yourself that you will stick to that list before you get caught up in the heat of a passionate moment.

  We realize that making a promise to yourself sounds easy, but sticking to it, especially when your peers are pressuring you, is tough. It takes practice. You have to think of some “comebacks” ahead of time and practice using them in different situations. Here are a few examples:

  The Pressure Comebacks

  I can't believe you haven't had sex, yet! I can't believe you have!

  Oh, then you don't really know me at all. Too bad.

  I can't believe you think people our age really have sex. They've got you fooled.

  If you love him, you'll have sex with him. If he loves me, he'll wait. I'm worth it.

  Love's too deep for me right now. I'm just havin' a good time hangin' out with him.

  Everyone is doing "it." I know plenty of people who aren't, so you're wrong.

  Then I must have a lot more respect for myself than they do.

  I have a lot of plans for my life, so I'm not going to screw it up by doing something stupid.

  You’ve Got the Power to Decide

  You’ll probably find that the mixed messages are both true. Sex can be both disappointing and wonderful—depending on when, where, why, how and with whom you do sexual things. It will take some discipline, but the when, where, why, how and with whom are all things you can control. They are all decisions you can make.

  Different people have lots of different ideas about sex. Some are healthy for you, some are not. But the awesome thing is that you have the power to make the ultimate decision about what is healthy and right for you. Feels nice to be in charge, doesn’t it?

  11

  Crush or True Love?

  So your body is doing strange things, your parents are impossible to figure out, your girlfriends are unpredictable . . . and then there’s all this boy craziness!! It’s a good thing we’re working on Girl Power, because these teen times can seem crazy, especially when you topple head-over-heels for that cute guy in your social studies class. As if there wasn’t already enough to worry about, now you’re stuck wondering how he really feels about you, or if he’s the ONE, or if you’ll ever feel okay again after having your heart splintered into a million pieces.

  One of the most exciting, wonderful, amazing and absolutely overwhelming parts of being a teenage girl is that teenage girls (and boys) fall in love. Or do they? Is it love when you can’t sleep at night because you’re thinking about seeing HIM at the game tomorrow? Is it love when your heart races at the sight of his number popping up on caller ID? Is it love when you want to drive by his house a thousand times a day just to see if he’s home? Is it love that makes you want to be with him, only him and nobody else?

  It’s something all right. Something powerful and fun and very real, but (we hate to break it to you) it’s probably not true love.

  Did you notice anything about all those things that make you feel “in love”? They are all about excitement. You feel tingly; your heart races; you anticipate seeing him or even knowing where he is. They are great while they last, but feelings of excitement can come and go.

  True love is more than just feelings of excitement. Feelings of excitement will definitely be there, but you will also feel at peace around him and want to protect him, to build him up so other people will think he’s as great as you do and to help him make his goals and dreams come true. And since none of us is perfect (are you surprised?!), true love also makes you want to overlook his weaknesses or those little, unimportant things he does that get on your nerves.

  Sound like more than you bargained for? Maybe he does have a killer smile and great sense of humor, but does all this stuff about protecting, building up, fulfilling dreams and overlooking totally annoying habits seem a little too deep? That’s the cool thing about being a teenager! You don’t have to commit yourself to a guy in a true-love kind of way yet. You get to practice at it for years before you commit to true love!

  Be prepared, because those “in love” feelings of excitement come on fast and strong. So fast and strong that a lot of teens believe they are in love after one or two weeks. Guess what? True love takes a long time, even years, to grow and strengthen. What most teens feel (and it is definitely a BEGINNING for love) is a strong attraction, or lust or a crush. Sometimes it’s a REALLY strong attraction, and it can be confusing.

  It’s a Wild Ride!

  Having a crush is a great feeling. It’s exciting, and it makes you happy and all tingly inside. But the whole reason it’s called “falling” in love, or being “head over heels” about someone, is because it throws you off balance. Crushes have a way of doing just that, “crushing” all your more sensible emotions and other interests. They can take you on a wild, thrilling and often confusing ride of emotions!

  Ever have that feeling of being totally consumed by someone? Like your brain simply cannot think about anything else? You’re taking a history test and all you can think about is, “I wonder if he brought his lunch or is buying it today. Should I hang out in the lunch line and hope to see him, or maybe he’ll be outside at the picnic tables?” You and your girlfriends are planning to see a new movie this weekend, and you’re thinking, “Well, he said that movie sounded good. I wonder if he’s going to see it this weekend, too. Would he go Friday or Saturday night? At 7:00 or 9:00? Maybe I can get someone to call and find out. . . .”

  If any of this sounds like you, you’re crushin’ . . . big time!

  You can become totally absorbed by your feelings, maybe even obsessed about someo
ne. You might try to arrange your plans so you see him more often. You might feel jealous if your crush spends time with other people. And you’ll definitely feel like you want to please your crush by dressing to impress him, giving him special attention, complimenting him and finding things he is interested in to talk about. Flirting comes naturally when you’re around a crush! And if he notices you, wow! You feel great!

  And if your crush becomes your boyfriend, you may want to please him in other ways, too—perhaps sexually. Part of your attraction probably involves strong sexual urges on your part. But there is a big difference between flirting (which may or may not include holding hands, kissing and making out or exploring some of your body’s feelings of attraction) and becoming sexually involved with a crush or a first boyfriend.

  What’s the Rush?

  Just think, if you become intimate or sexually involved with someone early in a relationship, what do you have to look forward to? In this relationship and in future relationships? Too often, teens think that having sex or being involved sexually will make their relationship grow and deepen their commitment to each other. After years of seeing patients and hearing their stories, we can tell you that this definitely is not the way it works.

  If you want to keep your body, emotions and relationship healthy, a deep commitment and long-lasting relationship should come before sexual involvement and sexual intercourse. Most religions teach that marriage should come before sexual intercourse. There are good reasons for those teachings. When you rush into sexual activity too early, the sex becomes the focus or center of the relationship. Sex is the only thing you do together. Sex is the only thing that’s important in the relationship anymore. If it’s too early, you’ll feel unfulfilled, and sex won’t seem like such a great thing. Pay attention to those feelings if you have them. They are telling you that you aren’t ready.

  Once you’ve “gone all the way,” the relationship can lose a lot of the mystery and excitement. There can also be a loss of trust and respect (for yourself or your partner). There will also be a lot more stress in the relationship because of the responsibilities that go along with being sexually involved. When sex happens too early, the relationship often ends shortly after sex starts because it didn’t have a strong foundation to begin with.

  And that can break your heart. Because no matter what movies, TV or other teens might tell you, sex is special, and it is a very big deal. When you give it away to (or have it taken away by) someone who doesn’t respect it and you . . . well, that just plain hurts.

  If this has already happened to you, if you have already had your heart broken by rushing too quickly into sex, you don’t have to keep feeling the hurt over and over again! You can take charge and choose to set limits for physical involvement with your next boyfriend. Your mistake doesn’t make you any less lovable or special. If you learn from your mistake, it will even make you wiser. Then the next time you’ll be thinking about building a strong foundation for true love, not just giving in to the exciting feelings of a crush!

  Now, that’s exercising some Girl Power!

  Romance Is Not Random!

  So how do you start to build that strong foundation for true love?

  Just like with a friendship, you have to get to know each other’s likes, dislikes, interests, fears and hobbies. You met each other because you had something in common—like a mutual friend, playing sports, same religion, same neighborhood, same job, same volunteer work—so that’s a great place to start building a relationship. Start out by exploring that one thing you know you have in common. If it’s a relationship that can turn into more than a crush, your question, “What position are you playing this season?” will soon turn into deeper conversations about the disappointment of losing and the elation of winning games, about teamwork and friendships among athletes, and about dreams of careers or colleges.

  Once you figure out that you and your crush have things in common, it’s important to get to know more and more about him. You’ll also want to know about his family and family traditions. Most of all, you’ll begin to understand his values. And knowing your crush’s values is important because “true loves” are not just randomly thrown together. It takes two people with shared hopes and dreams and values to become true loves. So if a crush has become a boyfriend, and you’re practicing how to move a boyfriend to the true love column, you have to know his values.

  There are a million more things you can learn about your boyfriend. As you get to know these little things about him, you’ll be learning whether this person is someone you can trust and be honest with about your own feelings. Enjoy getting to know your boyfriend—it’s one of the most special parts of being a teenager! You could:

  • Go with each other to school games, plays, concerts, volunteer activities.

  • Swap favorite CDs.

  • Learn each other’s favorite things, like music groups, color, sports, books.

  • Talk about great jobs to have when you are adults.

  • Discuss what you will major in at college or what college you want to go to.

  • Describe your dream vacations to each other.

  • Go swimming, go hiking, play tennis, jump on the trampoline, shoot hoops, or pull out a pack of cards or a board game.

  • Volunteer together in a community organization.

  • Watch each other’s favorite movie, even if it’s not one you’d pick for yourself.

  • Get to know each other’s parents.

  • Hang out with him around his brothers and sisters or best friends.

  • Discuss or debate issues (i.e., the pros and cons of the new uniform policy at school or bigger issues like abortion or the death penalty) to challenge your thoughts and beliefs and see where each of you stands.

  If you find you’re still hanging out with him and feel comfortable trusting him, then you can start to share more intimate feelings and thoughts.

  Think of some other things that you think would be fun to do with a boyfriend:

  Think of some things you would want to know about him:

  Getting Closer to Your Boyfriend (or True Love?)

  You may have spent time getting to know your boyfriend, his family, his values, his likes, dislikes, goals and dreams, and now you might be feeling like he’s a candidate for true love. You know lots of intimate things about him (that just means close, private, personal things), and now you might feel like being more physically intimate.

  Getting to know a person intimately doesn’t mean you have to have sex with him, but you should be able to talk about it. Physical closeness involves a lot more than sexual intercourse, so you need to be able to talk about everything: kissing, touching and sex. Boyfriends and girlfriends who have a plan and set boundaries for physical contact are more likely to stick to what’s comfortable and not do something in the heat of the moment that they didn’t plan on!

  Can We Talk?

  So how do you make a plan? You have to talk about it. Learning to communicate is a huge part of respecting each other. We know it’s uncomfortable, embarrassing and all that. But it has to be done to protect yourself and your boyfriend from letting physical things go too far.

  If you are finding that talking about sexual things is really difficult, start the conversation by talking about characters you saw on TV or in a movie or maybe about what’s going on between boyfriends and girlfriends at your school. That lets you get your ideas about what’s okay in teen relationships “out in the open.” It will also help you and your boyfriend start talking about what’s okay in your relationship. But if you can’t talk, or he won’t talk, your relationship is definitely not ready to become physical!

  “The talk” is tough, but once you have set your boundaries, it can be totally fun! Physical touch is a natural part of developing a relationship, and part of your job as a teen is to practice these relationship things.

  Don’t Feel Pressured!

  The teen world today is different from when your mom and dad were hanging ou
t in middle school and high school. Sex was rarely even mentioned in most households, and TV was as clean as church.

  Sexual images and references are everywhere now—music videos, TV, magazines, billboards, and blue jeans and T-shirt ads. The message today is that sex is just something you do, regardless of your relationship or responsibility or age. The result is that too many kids today feel pressure to go straight to oral sex or sexual intercourse before a relationship even really develops. It leaves a lot of kids confused about being intimate.

  Just as there are a million ways to get to know your boyfriend, there are just as many ways to get to know each other physically without “going all the way.” Adults call it petting. “Light” petting is holding hands, hugging and kissing lightly on the lips. You can also enjoy nonsexual stuff like a great back rub, a shoulder massage or a foot rub. (Foot rub? That would really take some strong feelings to rub the feet of some guys we know! Peeeyooo!) “Heavy” petting is deeper kissing, French kissing and touching each other’s genitals or breasts, either through clothing, under the clothes or undressed. Too often, heavy petting leads to sex if you don’t set limits and stick by them.

  You and your boyfriend have to be able to tell each other what feels good, what’s appropriate and okay with you, and what you consider going too far. It can be awkward and a tough decision . . . but if you don’t talk about it, you’ll never be clear about your decisions and can easily get carried away “in the heat of the moment,” especially if your guy is pushy.