Girlology: A Girl's Guide to Stuff that Matters Read online

Girls also might have confusing feelings about their body because all these changes are happening so fast and they have NO control over them. Like to be in control? We do! Well, by eating healthy and getting some type of exercise every day, you can have a little more control about how well your body works. Remember, how your body works is so much more important than how it looks.

  Horny?!

  Now, the way your body works sexually involves more than periods and vaginas and clitorises. That’s just the “plumbing.” What really drives us sexually is our feeling of desire—desire to be close to someone, desire to touch and be touched, desire to explore sexual feelings. Another word for desire is libido, but when a person has sexual urges, most teens call that feeling “horny.”

  Interestingly, nobody ever seems interested in talking to teens about their sexual desire. Everyone just seems to expect you to “just say no.” Well, feelings are one of those things that just happen to you; you can’t help it. As early as the start of puberty, sexual desire is a feeling that just happens to pop up from time to time.

  Speaking of popping up . . . boys have an advantage here. When they have sexual desire or sexual thoughts, they get an erection. It’s like a flag going up to say, “Hey dude, you’re noticing something sexual, and I’m here to point that out!” Is there a similar flag for girls? We don’t get such an obvious “pop up” (thank goodness!). For girls, the signal is more subtle and brainy—kind of like we are anyway, right?

  When girls have sexual feelings, the major signal comes through our thoughts—stuff like, “I want to hold your hand,” or “I want to think about marrying you,” or “I want to kiss you,” or maybe, “I want to ride a horse on the beach with you.” Sexual thoughts are never harmful, but acting upon them is where the risks can occur. So go ahead, enjoy your thoughts, picture yourself kissing your favorite movie star, think about marrying your crush, daydream about your true love all you want. It’s normal.

  Skin Hunger

  Another part of desire that you may also be noticing is a physical thing that can be called “skin hunger.” Teen girls and boys are very huggy and touchy sometimes. Your parents probably satisfied your skin hunger when you were a child—all that cuddling and loving and sitting on their laps. Now that you are spending less time with parents and more time with friends, it’s normal to look to your friends for that special touch. It’s also normal to sometimes want to be touched or hugged by your boyfriend or crush.

  As you notice skin hunger, you may also notice a physical feeling in your genital area. This is a reflex that is part of sexual desire, and it signals that your brain is starting to grow in the romance department. Some girls and women describe the genital feelings of desire as fullness, warmth, tingling or a twinge. Along with that sensation, another reflex makes the vagina release fluids that make it feel wet. Some girls have no clue this happens unless they touch the vaginal area and feel it. Other girls have enough lubrication to make their underwear get wet. It’s not the same “wetness” that happens with normal vaginal discharge, but it, too, is normal with sexual desire.

  Remember, guys get lots and lots of erections as teens, and girls also have many sexual thoughts and feelings. But just because a boy gets an erection or a girl has sexual feelings doesn’t mean they have to have sex.

  Neither boys nor girls NEED to have sex, and in fact, most don’t. Instead, you need to learn to recognize and appreciate your sexual arousal in ways other than intercourse. There are lots of ways to enjoy these sexual feelings without having sex. Sometimes, you can just sit back and enjoy the feeling and know that your body is working like it’s meant to.

  Solo Sex Revisited

  Some teens masturbate when these sexual urges are strong. That can let them release some sexual urges in a safe way and get on with other things. It’s weird to talk about masturbation and even weirder to think about whether it’s okay or not. Let us assure you that most people masturbate at some point in their lives, but few will admit it. Keep in mind, it’s not a popular dinner conversation, it’s not a group activity, and it shouldn’t consume your free time, but it is both safe and normal.

  Should you ask your parents if it’s okay to masturbate? That’s up to you. A lot of parents will get totally freaked out if you ask, even though they may think it’s fine. That’s because they don’t want to know you are having sexual feelings. Kind of like the way you don’t want to believe that your parents “do it.” But if parents consider the options—(1) you relieve your own sexual urges versus (2) you look for someone else to relieve them for you—most parents would agree: help yourself! But pleeeeze keep it private! If you need to relieve sexual urges, we would bet that you can learn to make yourself feel better sexually than any awkward teenage boy can try to make you feel. And remember, just because you have sexual urges doesn’t mean you need to do anything at all!

  Warm Fuzzies

  Being intimate is the heart and soul of a mature relationship. Intimacy is a two-way street; it means getting close with someone emotionally and physically in a very comfortable way and having that feeling returned to you. It’s hard to talk about with young teens, because it’s not a big part of your sexual development until you are older. (It has to do with all the stuff about how your brain is growing and developing. . . .) We’ll spare you the details right now, but you need to gain some independence and self-respect and get some experience under your belt before you’ll understand true intimacy.

  Intimacy doesn’t always mean boyfriend-girlfriend or husband-wife stuff. You can also be intimate with your best buds. This means:

  • Sharing secrets

  • Accepting flaws

  • Knowing how to forgive

  • Getting to know your friends’ likes and dislikes

  • Trusting

  The list goes on and on, and it’s all good. Does this all sound familiar It’s just like we talked about in the chapter on “friends who rock.”

  For now, developing intimate friendships, learning to be a good friend, and finding those friends who rock is what you will build on as you get older and develop intimate romantic relationships. Remember, emotional intimacy should always come before physical intimacy. That means learning how to be intimate with feelings should come before you try to learn how to be intimate with your body.

  Being intimate doesn’t come easily, and it can be risky. What do we mean by risky? Well, let’s say you tell a friend a secret about a very embarrassing moment for you, but you realize that if she tells everyone that secret, you would feel humiliated. By telling your secret to a friend, you risk everyone else finding out something you don’t want anyone else to know. Part of what you will learn as a young teen is who you can trust and become intimate with. It’s more important for you right now to learn to be a good friend and find good friends. This should all happen before you head off on any romantic journey.

  What Is Girly?

  What does it mean to be a girl? Does it mean you have to wear dresses, get your ears pierced and fantasize about boys? Does it mean you have to want to have babies? Does it mean you can’t be a firefighter or a professional athlete? Heck no! Being a girl only means you were born with certain genes and parts, and all the rest is up to you. Sometimes that’s not the message we hear or how we feel, though. We get ideas from our families, from the media, from our peers and all of society about how girls are “supposed” to be. But a girl with Girl Power can’t be forced into a girly thing that doesn’t feel right for her.

  What if you like to wear camo pants and a baseball hat? What if a guy enjoys ballet? What if you enjoy baseball over gymnastics? What if you like short hair? What if you aren’t interested in kissing boys? That’s cool. It’s about expressing your personal preferences, which is what teens on the road toward independence and adulthood are supposed to be doing. Some people, though, might not be comfortable with your individuality and might call you names. Teens, as we’re sure you know, can be cruel with their name calling, and one of the names you’ll hear
for guys who do things that are considered more “girly” is “faggot” or “homo.” Girls who like things that are more popular with boys might be called “dykes” or “lesbians.” These words are hurtful. Doing things differently or having certain interests doesn’t mean anything about a person’s sexual orientation.

  Straight or Gay

  So what IS sexual orientation? First of all, sexual orientation is not at all about how you look. It may not even be about whom you have kissed. It is really about who you are attracted to in a romantic way. If a male is emotionally and physically attracted in a mature romantic way to another male, then he is homosexual. Same goes for females attracted to females—they are homosexual. The word homosexual means the same thing as the word gay. Homosexual women are also called lesbians. Some people use hurtful words when talking about gay people, but the most respectful words to use are gay and lesbian.

  There are also some people who are sexually attracted to both males and females. They are called bisexual. If a male is attracted to females or a female is attracted to males, they are heterosexual. Ninety percent of the people in the world are heterosexual.

  But love is love. We can’t always help who we fall in love with. The world is filled with enough hatred and violence. We should never hate people for loving others—even if it means they are gay.

  Am I Gay?

  Believe it or not, this question is common and normal, and most young teens wonder about it at some point. Remember, you are trying to figure out who you are sexually, so you may think about all the possibilities. While all this sex stuff is going on in your body and brain, you may find yourself having sexual thoughts about another girl or woman. You will certainly look at other girls when they are undressing in the gym or at a sleepover. You might have even touched another girl in a private or sexual way. Don’t freak out. At your age, this happens sometimes and doesn’t mean anything yet about your sexual orientation. In fact, around age twelve or thirteen, about one in four girls can’t say for sure whether they think they are gay or not. But by age eighteen, only one in twenty girls doesn’t know for sure. That means that during adolescence, most girls figure out and feel comfortable about their sexual orientation. It can be a tough and confusing thing to think you are gay during your teen years. It is really important to find someone you can talk to openly. If you don’t think your parents are the ones, look to a school counselor, doctor, a friend’s parent or other trusted adult.

  There is a lot of controversy about whether people choose to be homosexual or whether they are born that way. We aren’t here to answer that question, but it is very important to realize that people are people, and their sexual orientation means nothing about their value as humans. Being gay is not easy in our society because of teasing and discrimination. We should treat each other with respect and tolerance, which is what girls with Girl Power do.

  Sex and Power: It Can Be Good, It Can Be Bad

  Sexuality is powerful. Advertising companies have used the power of sexual images for many years because it works. Sex sells. They might show a photo of a big-breasted woman on a motorcycle to sell a pair of jeans, but what do her breasts have to do with the jeans? They may show a sexy pair of legs with a sports drink next to them to sell that drink. What do the legs have to do with the sports drink? Absolutely nothing, nada, zippo. But the image of something sexy always seems to get attention. It’s powerful.

  We bet some of your classmates have figured this out, too. A special glance, an innocent touch or a certain comment might actually send a message that says, “Hey, look at me, I’m kind of cute, and I’m looking at you . . . yeah you.” That, we’re sure you know, is called flirting. Flirting can be innocent and fun. It’s a way that girls and guys let each other know there’s an interest brewing. On the other hand, flirting can become not so good if it turns into excessive teasing or manipulating behavior.

  Sexual Harassment

  Sometimes flirting goes too far and may make you feel uncomfortable. For instance, a cute guy in your class starts staring at you, and every time you look at him, he winks. Flattered? Maybe. Let’s say he then starts following you in the halls and whispers comments about how nice your breasts look to him. How does that make you feel? Probably very uncomfortable. This is a form of sexual harassment.

  How about if you’re walking through a crowded hallway at school, and someone pinches or fondles your butt. Some girls might think this attention is cool, but unwanted attention of that kind is also a form of sexual harassment.

  The more common examples of sexual harassment are when someone uses sexual language, talks about sex, or uses touch or body language in a way that makes you feel uncomfortable, embarrassed or threatened. Another type of sexual harassment is when someone asks you to look at photos of naked people or sexual acts (also called pornography). They can even send them to you through the Internet when you don’t even want to look at that stuff. Why would someone do this? It’s a power trip. They are using words, actions or physical contact to feel more powerful than you. Remember, sexual harassment is not only wrong, it is illegal. If you feel like someone is harassing you, it’s time to talk to that good old trusted adult.

  When Sex Is a Crime

  Unfortunately, there are people in this world who use the power of sex in very bad ways. If an adult forces you or talks you into doing something sexual that you don’t want to do, it’s called sexual abuse. If they take photographs of you naked or doing sexual things, it’s pornography, and that is sexual abuse as well. It’s a way they take advantage of children or teens for their own pleasure or entertainment—sometimes just for the power trip of it. Sexual abusers are not just spooky-looking men, they can be anybody, even adults who supervise kids and seem to like them. Sometimes sexual abuse occurs within families (this is called incest). How can this happen? Abusers will often earn the trust of the child by buying gifts or providing treats, but then they expect the child to keep secrets about what’s happening in private. They may threaten to stop the gifts or even threaten to withdraw love if the child tells anyone. Sometimes they threaten to hurt someone the child loves if the child tells anyone. And even if the child does tell, people may have a hard time believing them. The child might even be afraid that no one will believe them.

  No matter who it is—a parent, a coach, a friend of the family, a stepparent, a neighbor—anyone who does this is a criminal, because sexual abuse is illegal, and the abusers are way sick in the head. Unfortunately, it happens more than you would ever imagine. If this has ever happened to you or anyone you know, your first step is to tell an adult who will listen and help. If you aren’t sure who you can tell, a good resource is a school counselor.

  Rape

  Rape (also called sexual assault) is when someone is forced into sexual activity. Most of the time, girls are raped by boys or men. If a male forces his penis, finger, tongue or other object into a female’s vagina, anus or mouth, it is rape. This is a violent crime, and there is no excuse for it. It has very little to do with sex but a lot to do with power. Even though it seems like a sexual kind of thing, rapists do not rape for sexual feelings. Instead, rapists rape for power and control.

  Unfortunately, when many girls and women are raped, they do not tell anyone or report it to the police because they feel embarrassed or ashamed. No matter how a girl acts or dresses, nothing makes it okay for someone to rape her. Some girls even think they might be partly to blame for it happening, and many girls think they are “ruined” or have “lost their virginity” to a rapist. That’s why rape can confuse girls and make them feel bad about themselves. If you are raped, you aren’t ruined, because it is something that happened to you. You didn’t have a choice in it, and most girls do whatever it takes just to survive the experience. What you do have a choice about is taking care of yourself and getting medical attention so you can heal from it, both physically and emotionally.

  Most girls think that rapes happen only in dark alleys or when girls hitchhike. The awful truth is tha
t most girls who are raped are raped by someone they know or have met recently. Most rapes also happen in someone’s home (or apartment or dorm) or another familiar place.

  Unfortunately, most rapes happen to teenage girls, and one of the most common types of rape is called date rape. Like it sounds, this happens when a girl is out with a guy she may like, and he forces her to have sex with him. Sometimes the force is real physical force, but sometimes it is by talking her into it when she doesn’t really want to. Sometimes she says no, but he doesn’t listen, and many times, drugs or alcohol are involved. This is another good reason to “just say no” to drugs and alcohol. Even in date rape or drug-related rape, girls still need to get medical attention afterward to help prevent infections and pregnancy and to make sure there are no injuries. The sooner a girl gets medical attention, the better for preventing infections and pregnancy as well as for making sure the victim is okay. If this ever happens to you or someone you know, it is also important to get help to heal emotionally. Going to an emergency room or your doctor is important for getting this type of help.

  Again, rape is a crime. It needs to be reported to the police or an adult who can help, and immediate medical attention is very important. Guys who rape once often do it again and again to other girls. By reporting the crime, you can help prevent that. It’s a horrible shame that rape happens, but there’s no reason for the victim to feel ashamed. Tell all your girlfriends that the most important thing is to get help.

  No Means No!