Girlology: A Girl's Guide to Stuff that Matters Read online

  Now to That Penis-in-Vagina Thing

  Sex can happen in lots of different “positions,” but usually the woman is on the bottom and the man is on the top and they are facing each other. The man’s erect penis is inserted into the woman’s vagina. It seems like that might take some awkward positioning, but we fit together in this way like two puzzle pieces. Once the penis is inside her vagina, the couple will move their bodies to make the penis move in and out or back and forth because it feels good for both of them. The in-and-out movement feels good on the penis for the man and also feels good on the vagina and clitoris for the woman. The closeness also feels good emotionally if both are relaxed and wanting to do what they’re doing.

  As the sex continues, the excitement builds to the point where an orgasm may occur. For a man, an orgasm is when ejaculation occurs. Before ejaculation, there is a small amount of fluid (called pre-ejaculate or pre-cum) that leaks out of the penis and may contain sperm. So sperm can be present even if ejaculation has not occurred. And remember, it only takes ONE sperm to get pregnant. After the male ejaculates, the penis gets soft again, and he can’t have another orgasm until he gets another erection.

  For a woman, orgasm is less obvious on the outside (and it doesn’t usually involve all the crazy screaming you see on TV or in the movies), but she feels a strong and pleasurable physical reaction through her whole body. Some women can have more than one orgasm during sex, but most don’t.

  We’re making it sound pretty unexciting and scientific here, but sex, in the right setting with the right person, is an amazing and wonderful connection. Don’t think from this simple description that it isn’t really special.

  Like a Virgin

  Lots of teens AND adults pay a lot of attention to the word virgin. In the truest sense of the word, a virgin is a person (male or female) who is sexually “pure.” That means she or he has never had sex. But as you’ll learn throughout this book, there’s a lot more to sex than just a penis in a vagina. Is a girl still a virgin if she has oral sex? Some teens think they are still “technically” a virgin even if they are doing some pretty outrageous sexual things as long as a penis doesn’t go in the vagina. How “pure” is oral or anal sex? Although it might prevent pregnancy, infections can still be a big risk. As far as we’re concerned, the word virgin doesn’t hold much significance medically because “technical virgins” are still at risk for infections and the emotional consequences of sex. The meaning of virgin is deeper than a “technical” definition; it involves purity of the mind as well as the body, and it’s something that you have control over. Just don’t try to fool yourself into thinking “technical virginity” is risk free. Face the truth and protect yourself from the consequences. We’ll discuss what those risks are later in this chapter.

  The Big O

  (We don’t mean Oprah, but we love her anyway.)

  “O”

  Orgasms feel great, no question. And lots of people make a huge deal out of them. It’s important to understand that sometimes orgasm doesn’t happen at all during the penis-in-vagina part of sex, particularly for women. Most women need to feel very relaxed, comfortable and safe to experience orgasm. Sex isn’t just about orgasm, and it can still feel good even if an orgasm doesn’t happen. Being sexual with someone you love is about expressing warmth, closeness and intimacy—an orgasm is an added bonus.

  Sometimes for guys, orgasm (ejaculation) may happen very quickly and actually before they are ready for it to happen. Teenage boys in general are not always able to control how long they can keep an erection. That means a guy can get an erection and ejaculate before a girl even starts to get sexually aroused and enjoy the experience—that can lead to frustration. For a lot of women, sex is more about emotional attachment, comfort and security in a relationship. Guys sometimes get a reputation for being just into the act without the emotional attachment. There are definitely some great guys out there who are looking for emotional intimacy before sexual intimacy. There are also guys, especially teen guys, who can seem unemotional and pushy when it comes to sex. It’s not always the guys, though. There are also girls who are pushy and unemotional when it comes to doing sexual things. For too many teens, it seems to be more about bragging rights and being able to say, “Hey, I got laid!” Just remember, sex isn’t supposed to be like a Nike ad. It’s about a lot more than “just doing it.”

  Solo Sex

  Orgasm can happen without sexual intercouse. It can happen for males and females just from sexual touching or even in sexual dreams. A lot of males and females will touch themselves sexually. This can just feel good, or it can be intense enough to create an orgasm. Touching yourself sexually is called masturbation. When guys masturbate, they will hold and rub their penis, usually pretty vigorously, to stimulate it. When girls masturbate, they may touch their breasts, rub their clitoris or vagina. Basically, masturbation involves touching or rubbing yourself in whatever way makes you feel good sexually. There’s nothing dangerous about it (as long as it doesn’t consume your free time), and it is actually quite normal. For many teenagers, masturbation is a way to enjoy their sexual urges without risking sexual activity or intercourse with another person. Masturbation (just masturbation with yourself ) can’t cause pregnancy and can’t cause sexually transmitted diseases. And if you’ve ever heard that it will make you grow hair on your palms, make you go blind or that other people can tell you masturbate by looking at you, we hope you know by now that that’s not true. Duh.

  There’s another term called mutual masturbation. Think of it as masturbation with someone else. That means that one person will touch the other person sexually and vice versa without having intercourse. Some people call this “outercourse” because it doesn’t involve intercourse. It’s also called heavy petting or a “hand job.” Like masturbation, this isn’t dangerous if the “masturbators” are only using their hands. Once it goes beyond a hand job to closer skin-to-skin contact or mouth-to-skin contact, then we’re talking about a different topic and increased risks. We’ll talk more about this in chapter 9.

  Oral Sex

  If touching each other sexually involves using your mouth or tongue to stimulate another person’s genitals, it’s called oral sex. Some people call it “going down” on someone. If a girl puts her mouth over a guy’s penis, the scientific word for that is fellatio, but most people refer to it as oral sex or a blow job. Blow? We don’t think blowing on the penis is really involved; that’s just a term people use. When a guy uses his mouth or tongue on a girl’s clitoris or vaginal area, the scientific word for that is cunnilingus. There is no nice way to describe it in everyday language; we prefer to stick with the term oral sex.

  Anal Sex

  Bet you can guess what this means. It means penis in anus. As you can imagine, the anus has loads of bacteria and is not really built for that, so it can be much more risky and cause infection, as well as be painful. Some girls think that if they have anal sex, they are being “abstinent” and can still be a “virgin.” But basically, anal sex is just as intimate as vaginal sex, and as we’ve discussed, the virginity issue is very questionable.

  What Is SEXUAL and What Is ABSTINENCE?

  There’s a lot of talk out there about abstinence. Lots of federal money and entire educational programs have been designed to promote sexual abstinence until marriage. The problem is, many of these programs don’t define sexual abstinence very well, so teens are making up their own definitions.

  The word abstain means to withhold or “not do” something. Like abstaining from drugs means you don’t use them. So what is sexual abstinence? Well, it depends on your definition of SEXUAL. We’ve spent a lot of time talking about sexual feelings and physical touch that is sexual. Is it sexual to hug someone? French kiss? Touch private body parts through your clothes? Sure. All that stuff creates sexual feelings, so it is a sexual thing. But is that what these programs mean? You can’t kiss until you are married? We don’t think so, but some people’s definitions might mean that.
/>
  Whether these recommendations are based on religious teachings or just on common sense, the whole reason for encouraging sexual abstinence for all young people is to prevent unwanted pregnancy, sexually transmitted infections and emotional pain that can come from having sex when you’re not ready. That means you should abstain from any activity that can cause these problems.

  Let’s be more precise just for the record. We hope you know how a pregnancy occurs by now, so obviously sexual abstinence means no penis-in-vagina because that could lead to pregnancy. Also, to prevent infections, sexual abstinence would include abstaining from oral sex, anal sex and very close skin-to-skin contact, particularly of the genital areas. Finally, the emotional pain thing is the most difficult to figure out. It may be impossible to prevent emotional pain if you let yourself have strong feelings for others. We can’t help having our feelings and emotions hurt in life. But, if you use your Girl Power to keep yourself from doing sexual things you don’t feel comfortable doing or don’t feel ready to do, you’re doing the best you can to protect your emotions related to sexual activity. And believe us, there’s a very strong link between our emotions and what we do sexually.

  So don’t fall into the trap of believing that sexual abstinence means you can do anything sexually except have a penis in the vagina. It’s not that easy. Think about it, and make a decision you feel good about.

  The Consequences of Sex

  Let us first emphasize that most young teens do not have sexual intercourse, neither vaginal nor anal. These days, teens may be having more oral sex, thinking that it is risk free. Wrong! Any type of sexual contact carries risks, as we’ll explain. That means it requires responsible behavior and thinking ahead to avoid those risks.

  Obviously, pregnancy is a huge risk that you take if you have sex. There are many effective ways to prevent pregnancy, but nothing except abstinence from sex is 100 percent effective. Most important, pregnancy and childbirth change lives forever—yours, your baby’s (obviously!) and your partner’s—so it better be something you are prepared to handle if you are going to have sex. Children born to young mothers do not get the same opportunities as children born to adults, who can provide financially and emotionally for a child. Young mothers are also less likely to finish their education, and you can imagine how hard it is to get a good job and provide for your family if you don’t have a good education.

  Besides getting pregnant from sex, there are infections and diseases that can be passed from one person to another through sexual activities. You’ve probably heard of some of them. HIV/AIDS is one of the most well known because it kills the people who are infected with it. Other diseases may not be deadly, but they can cause serious problems, such as severe pain, birth defects, infertility (meaning a woman can’t get pregnant) and even cancer. You know what’s really scary? Every year, one in four teenage girls who have sex will get a sexually transmitted infection. One in four!!!That’s a lot! Pretty serious, huh?

  Some infections can be treated, but some cannot be treated at all. Some have NO symptoms and can cause infection in the vagina, the uterus or the throat (through oral sex). The biggest problem is that you can never tell for sure whether someone has an infection. Even though a person may get “checked” for sexually transmitted infections, it doesn’t mean they don’t have ANY infections. That’s because there are no reliable and easy tests for some of the most common infections like the human papilloma virus (this causes genital warts and can lead to cervical cancer) and herpes. If someone is checked, it is usually only for gonorrhea and chlamydia (by putting a small cotton swab into the urethra or taking a urine sample) and for HIV, hepatitis and syphilis (by drawing blood). There are lots of other possible infections for which we don’t or can’t test.

  The only 100 percent effective way to avoid infections is not to do the stuff that passes on these infections—and that means NO sexual intercourse, including oral sex.

  For people who are having sex, there are ways to help prevent infections and pregnancy. Condoms, which are these little balloonlike things that fit over a guy’s erect penis before it goes in the vagina (also called a “rubber”), will block the sperm from getting inside the vagina. It will also cover most of the penis, so infection doesn’t spread through the skin. Since condoms don’t cover all of the skin around the bottom of the penis or the testicles, they don’t completely prevent the diseases that are passed by skin-to-skin contact. Those infections are the ones that cause things like genital warts, cervical cancer and herpes ulcers. So condoms can’t prevent all infections but they are still very important if you are having sex.

  Why use them if they don’t work? They DO work but not 100 percent of the time. For now, if you decide to have sex, condoms are the only thing available that can help reduce the risks of sexually transmitted infections.

  Condoms can also help prevent pregnancy, but they are by no means foolproof because they can be used improperly, or they can break or tear. There are other methods of birth control that women and men use to prevent pregnancy. Some types of birth control kill sperm in the vagina (spermicide), some block sperm (condoms, diaphragm), and some prevent a woman from ovulating (birth control pills, shots, patches) or prevent an egg from settling into the endometrium (intrauterine device and other hormonal methods like birth control pills). While birth control helps prevent pregnancy, the only 100 percent effective way to avoid pregnancy is to not have sex. Using birth control requires a lot of self-control and planning, and it can be costly. If you are or plan on having sex, you need a birth control plan, and you should talk to your parents, another adult you trust or your doctor. Don’t just let sex happen without a plan for protecting yourself from unintended pregnancy and infections.

  The take-home message: The only 100 percent effective way to prevent pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections is to avoid sexual intercourse and other sexual activities that put you at risk. But there are plenty of other things you can do to enjoy a romantic relationship. Stay tuned!

  Is That All There Is to It?

  Well, kinda sorta. That’s sex in a nutshell, the good and the bad, the nuts and bolts, birds and bees part of it, at least. But as the rest of this book points out, sex is never just the nuts and bolts. It has major emotional, physical and relationship effects—many of which are wonderful, provided you are physically and emotionally mature enough to have sex. And it has the most awesome, amazing power in the world: to create a new life! Girls with Girl Power not only understand the how-to’s of sex, they respect the awesomeness of that tiny little word.

  PART THREE

  There’s More to Sex!

  9

  Sexuality:

  Good News, Bad News

  So girls, here's the scoop: Despite all the rumors and whispers, it's not all about sex! And better yet, you don't have to "do it" to be sexual or sexy. While we are rumor bashing, we also want to remind you one more time that most young teens do NOT have sexual intercourse. That doesn't mean they aren't sexual.

  All people are sexual whether or not they have sex. How can that be? It has to do with this bigger thing called sexuality.

  Feeling Sexy?

  By now, you know that your body and your brain are going through some major changes. That means you are having some thoughts and feelings that are new to you, and whether you want to admit it or not, some of these feelings are sexual. It’s another one of those things that happens to you. You can’t help it, so don’t freak out when it happens. It’s normal! You are supposed to be having sexual feelings. It’s what you do with those feelings and urges that matters!!!

  What types of sexual feelings do young teens have? Mostly you’re probably very curious. You want to know more:

  • About your body

  • About other girls’ or boys’ bodies

  • About sex

  You may want to look at pictures or read about sex. You may be attracted to boys or girls in a different way than just friendship. You may feel like you want to hang ou
t with your crush all the time, to hold hands or to kiss.

  So What Is It?

  Sexuality includes a lot of important stuff: like how comfortable you are with your own body and how you enjoy it; like intimacy, which is physical and emotional closeness with another person; like sexual identity which deals with the way you feel about being female and how it affects you sexually; like the consequences of sex and how prepared you are to deal with all of them; like the use of sex to have power or control over other people.

  Sexuality is about more than an action or “doing it,” it’s about values, beliefs, emotions and attitudes. That’s a lot to cover, so let’s break it down.

  You Are Sexual Whether You Like It or Not

  As we’ve said over and over:Maturing sexually is a major part of being a teenager. It’s a big task. One of the most important things for you to do during this process of maturing is to notice and appreciate the amazing changes that your body is making.

  Lots of girls don’t feel good about their bodies. They may buy into all the “beautiful” people advertisements in magazines or on TV that make us think that our bodies should look like Barbie. Do you know how many girls actually have a body like the ones you see in the ads? Less than 1 percent . . . and many of those girls and women are unhealthy. We’ll talk more about the media and how it affects us in chapter 10.