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  Why Your Partner May Not Be FUNCTIONING Properly

  Your partner’s body has just been through the biological equivalent of a train wreck, and she may spend much of these first weeks collapsed on the couch, your bed, the tub, the floor—basically, anyplace that can provide momentary relief. She may not comb her hair, brush her teeth, or change clothes for days on end, spending most of her time in your baggiest shirts and sweatpants.

  But have no fear. If the healing goes smoothly, she’ll be shedding those sweats and resuming personal hygiene by around three weeks A.B. (after birth).

  Below you’ll find some of the more common birth-related afflictions.

  BREAST VS. BOTTLE

  Should you choose to feed the baby breast milk or formula? This age-old question may be best elucidated through a head-to-head, topic-by-topic, no-holds-barred comparison.

  Nutrition Winner: Breast milk

  As a nutritional product, breast milk is without equal. Not only does it contain antibodies that protect against disease and allergies and other valuable enzymes, but it actually adapts to the baby’s nutritional needs as he grows. It’s almost spooky.

  Convenience Winner: Breast milk

  Breast milk is the ultimate fast food. It’s pre-packaged, pre-heated, and best of all, nobody can screw up your order.

  Cost Winner (by knockout): Breast milk

  Unless your partner is charging by the quart, breast milk wins this one easily. Also, breastfed babies spit up less, cutting down on your dry-cleaning bills.

  Smell Winner: Breast milk

  The diapers of breastfed babies don’t have much of a smell at all. This is thought to be a biological adaptation to keep away predators. So if you live anywhere near wild dingos, definitely opt for breastfeeding.

  Mother’s Birth Recovery Winner: Breast milk

  Nursing helps her uterus shrink back to its original size (sorry you had to read that) and helps her shed excess pregnancy weight (but aren’t you glad you read it till the end?).

  Mother’s Stress Level Winner: Formula

  Breastfeeding moms have a lot to deal with—pain from feedings and milk production, exhaustion from grabbing sleep in two-hour increments, and constant worries about the baby getting enough to eat. It’s a tough row to hoe, and she’ll need your support.

  Results: Breast 5, Bottle 1

  Conclusion: If your partner is able to breastfeed, it’s probably a good idea to do so. If not, don’t worry. Almost everyone born in the 1950s through the 1970s was formula-fed, and now these people are running our country! On second thought, you should do whatever you possibly can to breastfeed.

  Bidding Farewell to the BREAST

  From the moment your partner starts nursing, her breasts are off-limits to you. The property rights have officially transferred to the baby. At some point you may be offered a time-share opportunity, but in the meanwhile, just go about your business and disregard the parade of mammaries flouncing by your face day and night. And don’t even consider the irony that at the very moment they become forbidden, her breasts are bigger and firmer than they’ve ever been before (and will ever be again).

  Watching your partner breastfeed can trigger a double jealousy. You’re jealous of the baby for his all-access pass to your partner’s body, and you’re jealous of your partner because she can instantly soothe and feed him by offering the breast, while you’ve got to jump through hoops to quiet him down.

  But just because your body doesn’t produce a beverage doesn’t mean you’re off the hook on the breastfeeding front. Studies have shown that a father’s help and support is a key factor in how long and effectively a mother breastfeeds.

  Be prepared to help out by:

  sterilizing and assembling breast pump parts,

  running for hot compresses in the event of a clogged duct,

  presiding over one of her night feedings so that she can remain in bed, semi-conscious throughout.

  To take over a night feeding, bring the baby to the breast, help him latch on, switch from one breast to the other, burp him, change him, and put him back to sleep. Your partner will appreciate the effort, and it may help you secure that time-share.

  And after the first month, you can—and should demand to—feed him his first bottle. This is a profoundly enjoyable experience, followed by another joyous moment, his first bottle burp, which is usually fuller and deeper than a breast burp (on account of the air bubbles).

  You, the night watchman

  The Joy of BURPING

  Burping a baby is a great task for a dad because, unlike most early baby care, it is results-oriented. You perform a specific series of maneuvers and almost always get a pay-off. And when you hear that magical rumble, you can’t help but think, “He’s one of mine.”

  There are three methods of burping, each one designed for the baby to spit up on a different part of your clothing. This is why you need a burp cloth, or in some cases, a burp tarp. If you’re wearing something decent, it’s best to give yourself as much coverage as possible.

  Method A

  The baby’s head is resting on your shoulder and your arm is under his bottom. Use your other arm to gently rub or pat his back.

  Method B

  Sit the baby on your lap facing out. Lean him slightly forward as you hold his chest and chin in one hand and burp with the other. Be sure to support his head.

  Method C

  Lay the baby face-down across your lap with his head resting on one knee and his stomach on the other. Hold his bottom with one hand and burp with the other.

  * * *

  Once your baby can support his own head, you can use the following technique to get out the really stubborn gas bubbles. Sit the baby on your lap, hold him in both hands, and roll his body slowly from side to side and around before burping. This may help the air bubbles rise to the surface and result in less spit-up. Make sure not to tilt him too far to one side or the other.

  * * *

  It’s a good idea to burp twice during a feeding, mid-meal and post-meal. The mid-meal burp will give the baby room for the second course.

  The Basic CHANGE

  Since you’ll be changing more than 2,500 diapers over the next year, it’s worth learning proper changing technique. Sloppy procedure can result in leakage, rash, or contamination of your clothes and the surrounding area.

  For insurance, place a clean diaper under the soiled one.

  Place finger between baby’s ankles to keep them from rubbing together.

  Make sure diaper is not too tight.

  Supplies You’ll Need:

  A clean diaper

  Wipes and a washcloth

  A changing table or other smooth, flat, clean surface on which to place the baby

  Procedure:

  Lift the baby’s legs off the table using the ankle hold (thumb around one leg, forefinger between the legs, and the rest of fingers around other leg).

  Place a clean diaper under the dirty one, just in case the baby decides to let loose mid-change.

  Unfasten the tabs of the dirty diaper and stick them back onto themselves, as you don’t want them to stick to the baby.

  Using the ankle hold, remove the diaper, revealing the clean one underneath. Wipe the baby thoroughly. For boys, immediately put a washcloth over the crotch to prevent squirts. For girls, wipe front to back, to prevent vaginal infection.

  Fold the bottom of the new diaper up between the baby’s legs and fasten both sides using the tabs. If you can’t fit two fingers between the baby’s skin and the diaper, then it’s too tight.

  Never leave the baby unattended on the changing table.

  Your Newborn and Your PET

  DOGS

  Your dog sees the world a bit differently than you do. To him, you are the alpha male, your partner is the alpha female, and the three of you are a pack. Upon arrival of the baby, your dog may experience several weeks of post-partum depression. But if all goes smoothly, your new baby will soon be accepted as a junior alpha, e
ligible for all the benefits of membership—protection, loyalty, and relentless face-licking.

  Before the Baby Arrives

  Dogs learn by association, and you don’t want your dog to associate the baby with negative things such as diminished play time, being kicked out of the bedroom, and the relocation of his food dish. If you are going to implement changes, it’s important to do so at least a month before the baby arrives.

  Play a recording of a crying baby to get the dog used to the loud, high-pitched screams. Dogs have a keen sense of hearing, and may panic upon first listen, but eventually they adjust. It can help to desensitize you as well. You can download a three-minute audio crying jag from www.beprepared.net.

  Some dog experts suggest that several months before the due date, you “play pretend” with a doll to acclimate the dog to the new family dynamic. The dog watches you change, feed, sing to, and put the doll to sleep. This is certainly an option, but it may be easier and less humiliating to get a friend to bring their baby over to your house once in a while.

  Make sure your dog understands the “Down!” “Stay!” and “Drop it!” commands, and if not, train him. Also, take him to the vet to make sure his shots are up-to-date and that he’s parasite-free, and secure someone to take care of him while you’re at the hospital issuing the “Breathe!” command.

  If all goes well, your baby and your dog will become inseparable.

  Post-Partum

  Soon after the birth, take a piece of clothing that the baby has worn and bring it to your dog so that he can scent-bond.

  Upon arrival from the hospital, your partner should greet the dog first while you hold the baby. Your partner hasn’t been home in a while, and the dog’s natural excitement may give way to jumping and rough-housing. When all is calm, put a leash on the dog and let him view the baby from ten feet away. Then slowly bring the two closer to one another. If the dog remains calm, allow him to sniff the baby.

  Don’t let the dog lick your baby’s face for the first few months. The baby’s immune system is still immature, and your dog’s tongue has been to places you’d rather not think about.

  Even the most gentle shouldn’t be left alone with the baby. Always be quick to reprimand aggressive behavior and reward good behavior.

  A mesh crib tent can inadvertently turn your baby’s crib into a bunk bed.

  CATS

  Almost all of the dog-based suggestions will work with cats, although you might not have much luck with the commands. Because cats are instinctually drawn to moving objects, they are generally disinterested in newborns. That being said, it’s never a good idea to leave the two alone in a room together.

  Cats have a tendency to curl up against warm bodies and may try to get in the crib with your sleeping baby, which is a bad idea, as the cat could inadvertently scratch, bite, or possibly smother the baby. Here are two ways to make sure the cat stays out of the crib:

  After you put the crib in place (several months before the due date), put something on top of the mattress that is really unpleasant for the cat to touch. Cut a piece of cardboard the size of the crib mattress, cover it with double-stick tape, and place it in the crib, so their paws become sticky. Or cover the mattress with tinfoil (they hate the crinkly sound). After one or two ill-fated encounters, the cat should leave the crib alone.

  Purchase a mesh crib tent that fits snugly over the crib to deny access. The cat may end up hanging out on top of the tent, becoming a living mobile.

  How to Entertain a NEWBORN

  One of the best—and only—ways to play with your newborn is through stimulus-response games, where you present him with various objects or sensations and wait for a reaction. And yes—staring blankly is considered a reaction.

  The following games focus on sensory development:

  Vision

  Newborns’ eyes can focus best on objects ten to twelve inches away from their faces, and they can’t see colors.

  Clubs and Spades

  Get a deck of cards, separate out the clubs and spades, and hold them in front of your baby’s face. Slowly fan them out, bring them back in, and fan them out again. Show him a royal flush see if his poker face holds.

  Hearing

  Hearing is fully developed in newborns, and they seem to prefer high-pitched voices to low ones, which is presumably why people use baby talk.

  Sound Tracking

  On one side of the baby, crinkle a bag, shake a can of nuts, and jingle your keys until he turns his head to the sound, then do the same on the other side.

  Touch

  Touch is the first sense that starts developing in the womb, and by birth is well developed. Some areas are more responsive than others, with the palms of the hands, the bottoms of the feet, and the area around the mouth being the most sensitive.

  The Texture Buffet

  Gently rub different areas of your baby’s skin with objects of varying textures. You can use a clean damp sponge, a silk tie, the fur lining of a glove, and a bicycle pump to blow air on him.

  Smell

  Newborns have a keen sense of smell, and within the first couple of days show a distinct preference for the scent of their mothers’ milk.

  Fridge Inventory

  Take a bunch of odoriferous foods out of the fridge—cheese, onions, pickles, and fish are good choices—and hold them up to your newborn’s nose. Wait for a reaction. If you aren’t sure if the yogurt has gone bad, maybe his face will give you the answer.

  Taste

  Your baby’s taste buds began developing in the womb, and he now will show a distinct preference for sweet tastes rather than sour ones. But seeing as babies can’t have anything but breast milk or formula for around six months, you’ll have to curb your impulse to have him suck on a lemon wedge.

  THE FACIAL RECOGNITION TEST

  Show the baby the three faces on this page. See how he gravitates toward the recognizable face? This preference for faces is genetically built in and helps the newborn bond with his parents. And if by chance your baby prefers one of the other faces, you just may have a budding Picasso on your hands.

  0-3 MONTHS

  The First-Month SLUMP

  Fatherhood can hit you like a sucker punch. The baby arrives, you’re showered with help and gifts and food for a week or two, and then everyone leaves. And you are suddenly hit by this overwhelming feeling that nothing will ever be the same again. Someone has taken away your old life and replaced it with this really long, frustrating community service project.

  For the first couple of weeks post-baby, you may feel anxious, depressed, and lonely, and why shouldn’t you? You’re completely at the mercy of a relentless little dictator, and there is no relief in sight. But as you’re wallowing, it’s important to remember that you are not alone. Fathers the world over, from Copenhagen to Cape Town, from captains of industry to ditch diggers, have all gone through this rough patch.

  For the majority of dads, this phase lasts somewhere between eight and twelve weeks, at which point you switch into the “I might as well make the best of it” phase. Several factors combine to help lift the dark clouds from your head, including:

  The baby is sleeping longer hours.

  You’re feeling more adept at handling and troubleshooting her.

  She’s finally smiling at you (the baby, not your partner).

  If this period lasts more than three months, or you begin to feel completely overwhelmed or withdrawn, talk to your partner and friends and think about professional help.

  Moms and Mood SWINGS

  Dad beware! If you thought that your partner’s PMS was difficult to deal with, then you’d better brace yourself for the wrath of PPMS (Post-Partum Mood Swings). Affecting three out of four new moms, this condition is often referred to as the Post-Partum Blues or Baby Blues, but the word “blues” does not do it justice.

  Plainly speaking, your partner will be all over the map, so expect the unexpected. One minute she’ll scream at you for putting on a diaper incorrectly and the n
ext minute she’ll accuse you of not helping out. She may banish you to the basement, then criticize you for not being romantic. Try to think of it as your penance for not having gone through labor.

  Keep in mind that much of this behavior is beyond her control. Right after the birth, her hormone levels are bouncing around like Ping-Pong balls, playing havoc with her brain chemistry. So when you see her throwing breast pump parts across the living room, remember to cut her some slack.

  PPMS can last anywhere from a couple of days to a month or more. It can be really tough on a dad, especially since you’re trying to adjust to the baby as well. But since taking a room at the Best Western is not an option, you’ve got to do what you can to help see her through this rough patch.