Be Prepared Read online

  Also by Gary Greenberg

  The Pop-Up Book of Phobias

  The Pop-Up Book of Nightmares

  Self-Helpless

  (with Jonathan Bines)

  Be Prepared

  A Practical Handbook for New Dads

  Gary Greenberg

  Jeannie Hayden

  Simon & Schuster

  Simon & Schuster Paperbacks

  Rockefeller Center

  1230 Avenue of the Americas

  New York, NY 10020

  www.SimonandSchuster.com

  Copyright © 2004 by Gary Greenberg and Jeannie Hayden

  All rights reserved, including the right of reproduction in whole or in part in any form.

  First Simon & Schuster paperback edition 2004

  SIMON & SCHUSTER PAPERBACKS and colophon are registered trademarks of Simon & Schuster, Inc.

  For information about special discounts for bulk purchases, please contact Simon & Schuster Special Sales at 1-800-456-6798 or [email protected].

  Designed and illustrated by Jeannie Hayden

  Manufactured in the United States of America

  10 9

  Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

  Greenberg, Gary.

  Be prepared : a practical handbook for new dads / Gary Greenberg and Jeannie Hayden.

  p. cm.

  Includes index.

  1. Fatherhood. 2. Fathers. 3. Father and child. I. Hayden, Jeannie. II. Title.

  HQ756.G7 2004

  306.874′2—dc22

  2004045156

  ISBN 10: 0-7432-5154-7

  ISBN-13: 978-0-743-25154-9

  eISBN: 978-1-439-10332-6

  This publication contains the opinions and ideas of its authors. It is intended to provide helpful and informative material on the subjects addressed in the publication. It is sold with the understanding that the authors and publisher are not engaged in rendering medical, health, or any other kind of personal professional services in the book. You should refer to your pediatrician all matters that may require medical attention, diagnosis, or treatment and consult with other competent professionals with regard to all other matters in this book.

  The authors and publisher specifically disclaim all responsibility for any liability, loss or risk, personal or otherwise, that is incurred as a consequence, directly or indirectly, of the use and application of any of the contents of this book.

  This book is dedicated to our grandparents, William and Anna Barkin, Morris and Esther Greenberg, Margaret Hayden, Fran Hille, and Daniel and Johanna White. We’re better parents and better people because of your warmth, generosity, and unshakable sense of humor.

  Contents

  Introduction

  The First Week

  What Your Newborn Won’t Look Like

  What Your Newborn Will Look Like

  Newborn Party Tricks

  Handing Over the Baby

  You Are the A.V. Club

  Why Your Partner May Not Be Functioning Properly

  Breast vs. Bottle

  Bidding Farewell to the Breast

  The Joy of Burping

  The Basic Change

  Your Newborn and Your Pet

  How to Entertain a Newborn

  0-3 Months

  The First-Month Slump

  Moms and Mood Swings

  Scrubbing Your Sprout

  Coping with Crying

  Wrestling the Breast Pump

  Bottles Up!

  Sleeping Like a Baby

  Returning to Work

  Reading Sports Illustrated to Your Baby

  A Guy’s Guide to Strollers

  The Infant Ensemble

  4-6 Months

  Your Mental Health

  Resuming a Sex Life?

  Protecting Your Back

  Circuit Training Your Baby

  Tethering Everything to the Baby

  Temperature Taking Tactics

  Getting Medicine into a Baby

  Soothing the Teether

  Be Prepared for Outings

  Great Outings 4-6 Months

  Driving and Crying

  Using the Baby as a Prop

  Breastfeeding in Public

  Starting Solid Foods

  Effective Diaper Disposal

  Skill Builders 4-6 Months

  7-9 Months

  Sleeping Through the Night

  Going Mobile

  Babyproofing

  Removing a Foreign Object from the VCR

  The Terrible Tube?

  Great Outings 7-9 Months

  Skill Builders 7-9 Months

  Babies and Language

  The Secret Meaning of Peek-a-Boo

  The Big Bath

  First Haircut

  10-12 Months

  Eating Like a Person

  Babies and Restaurants

  Great Outings 10-12 Months

  Skill Builders 10-12 Months

  The Decoy Drawer

  Rigging Emergency Diapers

  Advanced Changing Maneuvers

  Making Your Baby Laugh

  Babies and Airplanes

  Hotel, Motel, Holiday Inn

  How to Neutralize a Runner

  Camping with Your Cub

  The First Birthday Party

  The New Year’s Panda

  Conclusion

  Acknowledgments

  Index

  About the Authors

  INTRODUCTION

  Congratulations, and welcome to the brotherhood of fatherhood.

  For thousands of years dads have roamed the earth, hunting, gathering, trudging through the fields day after day in order to provide for their families any way they could. But it wasn’t until the last quarter of a century that dads began to put down their spears and take an active role in the day-to-day duties of raising a child. So if women seem more natural at bringing up babies, it’s only because they’ve had a huge head start.

  The truth is that all those centuries of hunting gave men a skill set perfectly suited to new fatherhood. Patience, cunning, stamina, and on-the-spot improvisation play a major role in both stalking prey and baby raising. And much like a beast of the field, a baby is a very unpredictable creature, prone to wild mood swings and cranky tirades.

  But raw skills alone don’t make a great dad. Being prepared is the key—knowing how to handle every possible SNABU (Situation Normal All Babied Up) that can arise in a given day, and being able to implement Plans B and C when Plan A falls flat. A prepared dad can venture out into the world with the wind in his face and the baby strapped to his back, confident in the knowledge that he is ready for anything. The goal of this book is to foster that confidence.

  Within these pages you’ll learn tactics essential to keeping your little squirt healthy and happy and you and your partner mentally stable. Some of the procedures may seem a bit strange at first, but rest assured: everything in this book has been thoroughly researched, dad-tested, and baby-approved. Furthermore, everything in the book has been approved by several distinguished fellows of the American Academy of Pediatrics.

  At its heart, Be Prepared is a how-to manual. It’s not the kind of book that gets emotional and touchy-feely about the father-baby relationship. And although we freely admit that sharing your baby’s first year is one of the most exciting, life-affirming experiences you’ll ever have, we also know that you’ve got a lot to learn in a short amount of time. So we’ll stick to the nuts and bolts, and leave the sentiment to you.

  Now hoist up your diaper bag and get moving.

  THE FIRST WEEK

  What Your Newborn WON’T Look Like

  The picture here is what a lot of dads imagine their newborns will look like: a big, healthy, well-
formed miniature version of themselves. But this is actually a picture of a three-month-old. Fresh-out-of-the-womb newborns look very different. As a matter of fact, your newborn may not bear any resemblance to you, your partner, or any known members of your species.

  To familiarize yourself with a newborn’s physical appearance, carefully study the picture on the following page. That way you won’t be in for any surprises come delivery day. And since you’ll get a good view of the baby as it’s coming out, and your partner will not, she’ll probably be taking her cues from the look on your face. The last thing you want to do is freak her out for no reason.

  What Your Newborn WILL Look Like

  NEWBORN Party Tricks

  Let’s face it: when you’re spending time with your newborn, you’ve got to find ways to make your own fun. Conducting a field test of his reflexes is a perfect way to do just that. You’ll come away with a greater appreciation of his skills, and you’ll have some cool party tricks to pull out at the next family gathering.

  Though he looks helpless, your newborn comes pre-programmed with a complete set of reflexes that help him search for and secure food, avoid danger, and extricate himself from sticky situations. Now if you could just get him to change his own diaper.

  Here are some of the more common reflexes and ways to test for them:

  Rooting Reflex

  Stimulus: Stroke the baby’s cheek.

  Response: He will turn his head toward the sensation.

  Explanation: This helps the baby find the breast or bottle.

  More Reflex

  Stimulus: Give your baby the sensation of falling or make a sudden loud noise.

  Response: He’ll throw his arms and legs out.

  Explanation: Helps him to gain his balance or to signal for help.

  Palmar (Hand) and Plantar (Foot) Grasp Reflexes

  Stimulus: Stroke the palm of the baby’s hand and the bottom of his foot.

  Response: The baby will grasp your finger with his hand and will curl his toes down toward your finger.

  Explanation: This helps the baby to reach and grasp objects with his hands. The plantar reflex is an evolutionary hold-over from the days when we had to hold on to our mothers’ fur.

  Newborns have such a strong grip that they can hang from a bar, but don’t try this at home.

  Stepping Reflex

  Stimulus: Holding the baby under both arms, stand him up (supporting his head with your fingers) and place his feet on a flat surface.

  Response: He’ll lift one leg and then the other, simulating a march.

  Explanation: This is either a precursor to walking or a way for the baby to kick objects away.

  Avoidance Reflex

  Stimulus: With the baby lying down, move an object toward his face.

  Response: The baby will turn his head from side to side, close his eyes, and try to get out of the way.

  Explanation: Self-defense. (Prepares him for dodgeball.)

  Most reflexes usually disappear after several months, either evolving into a conscious act or completely disappearing.

  Handing Over the BABY

  Upon seeing your new baby, your friends and family members will likely fall into two categories—the smotherers and the deserters. The smotherers will engulf the baby with affection, and the deserters will make a bee-line for the farthest corner of the room.

  Provided they’re healthy, it’s a good idea to let close friends and family hold the baby. You’ll get a few moments of freedom, and you can secretly audition potential babysitters in the process.

  Moreover, holding a new baby is a rite of passage that brings these people closer to you. You’re showing them that you trust them with the heir to your throne, and they won’t forget it.

  But before you hand over the baby, here are some things to keep in mind:

  All holders need to wash their hands. Viruses such as colds are transferred through physical contact. So if anyone shakes hands with a cold sufferer and then touches your baby, you’ll find yourself standing in the shower at 3 a.m. trying to decongest his sinuses.

  Tell them to relax. Babies, like wild animals, have the ability to pick up on nerves, so the less tense the holder is, the better chance the baby will feel comfortable.

  If you or the receiver are at all uncomfortable, have them sit down and cross their arms above their lap (see below), and gently place the baby in the crook of their arm. Make sure they support the head. This position is particularly good for children.

  DENYING ACCESS

  There are always some people who will ask to hold the baby, and you, for whatever reason, don’t feel comfortable letting them. It might be the look in their eyes, the liquor on their breath, or the polyester of their jumpsuit. This is one place where you should probably trust your instincts, and you can use the excuses below to stop them dead in their tracks:

  * * *

  “The pediatrician warned us that his rash is very contagious.”

  “The baby is allergic to deodorant/detergent/hair spray.”

  “He just got his shots and is very irritable.”

  “He is afraid of people with beards/glasses/nose rings/curly hair.”

  “He has projectile diarrhea, and I don’t want to pay your dry-cleaning bill.”

  * * *

  YOU ARE the A.V. Club

  Being a dad, you’re expected to have an innate knowledge of electronic gadgetry. Whether you’re an A.V. geek or a confirmed technophobe, the job of documenting your baby’s first year will likely fall into your hands.

  DIGITAL CAMERAS

  If you haven’t gone out and bought a digital camera by now, what are you waiting for? The prices are dropping and the quality keeps getting better. And for a new dad with a lot on your plate, bringing film in for processing and picking it up is valuable time that could be spent napping.

  Downloading is the way to go. You can crop, resize, adjust colors, and then print out your favorites. And what better way to torture your friends and family than with daily photo e-mails of your ever-changing progeny?

  Buy a camera that’s high in megapixels (image quality) but small enough to take anywhere. Also purchase a memory card (your reusable “film”) that holds at least 50 high-resolution images. Since babies are uncooperative by nature (those gurgles are his way of saying “No paparazzi!”), it may take ten tries to get one usable shot.

  It is strongly recommended that you purchase, power up, and test all of the features of your camera at least a month before your partner’s due date. You don’t want to be desperately clawing at the battery door as the baby’s crowning.

  Three Tips for Taking Great Baby Shots

  Add variety. No matter how cute your baby is, nobody wants to sit through 20 shots of him lying on a blanket. To make the photo viewing experience more palatable, you’ve got to add interest. Dress him in festive mismatching outfits, have different family members try to imitate his face while holding him, surround him with garden gnomes or army men, put him on a big serving tray, anything to make the shot more dynamic.

  Always shoot at the highest resolution. You never know when you’re going to capture that perfect image for the holiday card, and you don’t want it to look all grainy.

  Use the self-timer. Twenty years from now you’re going to want your child to know that you once had hair. So set the camera on a tripod, stump, or stroller, activate the self-timer, and get into a few shots. Just because you are the family archivist doesn’t mean you aren’t archivable. (That being said, it’s also a good idea to teach your partner how to use the camera.)

  CAMCORDERS

  Video is the perfect medium with which to capture your nipper’s development. Each piece of video you shoot is a time capsule for that particular stage of his physical, emotional, and verbal progression. And you just can’t get the full effect of spit-up running down your partner’s neck with a still camera.

  If you don’t own a digital camcorder, you might want to consider buying one. Digital offers superi
or image and sound, and there’s no loss of quality in transfers. And most important, you can download the video to your computer and edit out the long, boring parts before showing it to anyone else. Keep in mind that the average guy can stomach about five minutes of baby video, so edit with extreme prejudice.

  Two important features to consider are size and durability. Make sure the camera will fit comfortably in one hand, and that you can easily access the record button and zoom toggle. To research durability, call your neighborhood electronics repair shop and ask which camcorder models they see the least. Chances are you are going to drop the camera at some point, and you don’t want a model that self-destructs on impact.

  Your buddies will all be enthralled by your new baby.

  The swivel screen makes it easy to get into the action.

  Tips for Taking Great Baby Video

  Don’t save taping for birthdays and holidays. Everyday moments are often the most compelling. Watching a baby knock over a tower of blocks is more exciting than watching his baptism.

  Get into the action. Put the camera down, rotate the LCD screen 180 degrees, and hit record. This way you can see exactly what the camera is capturing, and how much you can move before you go out of frame.

  Have an extra battery on hand. LCD screens tend to suck up power, so an extra fully charged battery means that you’ll never have to cut your video session short.

  Get down and dirty. Shooting a baby from your head height is really unflattering to him. It makes him look even shorter, smaller, and squatter than he already is. You also get a distorted view of his face. For best results, lie down on your stomach and shoot him at eye level.