I Knead My Mommy Read online

  As if you were all alone

  I’m just saying because

  If you shove that finger

  Any further up your nostril

  It’s going to get stuck on the second knuckle

  Forfeit

  Remember that time?

  That first time?

  That glorious

  Magical

  Wonderful time

  When I begged and begged and begged

  And you gave in to me?

  Yeah

  You might as well have signed over

  The lease to your house to me that day

  Please Stop

  I am

  I am

  I still am

  Sigh, yes I am

  For a fifth time

  That would be me

  So I’m begging you

  Please stop asking

  “Who’s a fuzzy, funny fur face?”

  Because you’re sounding less like

  A loving pet parent

  And more like

  The most unprepared job interviewer

  on the planet

  Looking Good

  Lick

  Lick

  Slobber

  Lick

  Lick

  There

  Now all your left arm hairs

  Point in the same direction

  And glisten

  And smell of seafood surprise

  And you’re welcome

  Now I Know

  The first time you clipped my nails

  I thought, “This person is a maniac!”

  The first time you cleaned my teeth

  I thought, “This person is a lunatic!”

  The first time you gave me a bath

  I thought, “This psychopath must be stopped!”

  The first time you lovingly brushed my fur

  I thought, “Great

  Now I feel guilty

  For having shoved all those things

  in your mouth while you slept”

  Let Me Count

  I love you!

  I love you!

  Let me count the reasons that I love you!

  One, you are so kind

  Three, you are so warm

  The Letter Q, you are so giving

  Ampersand, you are so . . .

  Let me instead counter

  By saying I’m only a kitten

  And so my counting skills are not up to par

  But from a scale of one to a hundred

  Know that my love for you

  Is easily exclamation point!

  Pretty Kitty

  There’s a little red bow in my hair

  There’s a flowery hat on my head

  There’s a pink frilly dress on my body

  There are plastic pearls around my neck

  There’s like a hundred stuffed animals

  around me

  There’s a little girl pouring me pretend tea

  There’s an open door

  There’s the one chance

  For this fluffy kitty to escape

  To dye her fur black

  And to rename herself “Destroya”

  CHAPTER 3

  NEW ADVENTURES

  Never look back

  You’ll only appear responsible

  For what broke behind you

  KITTEN MOTTO

  Pass the Time

  One day

  One long

  Slow

  Boring

  Day

  Just to pass the time

  I tried licking myself

  Down there

  Now several hours have passed

  Or maybe several weeks

  And I feel like I should stop

  At least to get something to eat

  Or look up to see if you guys still live here

  Everywhere I Look

  There’s a bird in a nearby cage

  There are fish in that tank

  There’s even a mouse-like thing

  Running around on a little wheel

  There’s the fast beating of my heart

  There’s the big lump in my throat

  There are the tears of joy in my eyes

  As it dawns on me

  I didn’t just move into my forever home

  But into my very own Whole Foods store

  Finally Come Home

  Ten hours

  I was all alone

  Ten hours

  I was really bored

  Ten hours

  Until you finally came home

  Only to walk right by me

  And plop down on the couch

  Only for me

  To take a sharp swipe at your ankle

  Now you’re chasing me around the house

  Now you’re hobbling and cursing my name

  Now I’m thinking these past ten minutes

  Are the happiest I’ve been all day

  Over Here!

  Now I’m over here!

  Now I’m on top of this!

  Now I’m wedged between these!

  Now I’ve torn through all of that!

  Now my head is in this jar!

  Now my butt is on this meal!

  Now my body’s in midair!

  Now I’m flying through something dainty!

  Now I’m hanging from your leg!

  Now I’m hanging from the screen!

  Now I’m hanging from a ceiling fan!

  Now I’m in midair once again!

  Now I’m outside!

  Now I’m running back inside!

  Now I’m hurtling back outside!

  Now I’m on the roof!

  Now it may not be your roof!

  Now you’re pleading with me to get off the roof!

  Now I landed on your face!

  Now I don’t know

  How I’ve been so many places

  In the past minute and a half

  But I do know that

  Thanks to tracking litter

  I can retrace my journey every single

  step of the way

  Tell Them All

  Tell my family

  I love them

  Tell my friends

  I miss them

  Tell the world

  About the brave little kitten

  Who tried to scale

  The mighty stairs

  Only to realize

  That all of her mail

  Will have to be forwarded

  To the third step

  For the rest of her life

  Amuse Myself

  Bat

  Bat

  Bat bat bat

  Bat bat bat bat bat bat bat bat

  Bat

  Great

  Now they’re under the fridge

  Well, time to see

  If my person has a third set

  For another round of house keys hockey

  Ten

  One, two, three

  Four, five, six,

  Seven, eight, nine

  And ten

  Ten toes

  All sticking out of your blanket

  Ten toes

  All quickly bitten

  Ten toes

  All clearly vanquished

  Ten toes

  Judging by their ungodly stench

  All now very much dead

  I Have a Collar

  I have a little collar

  With a little bell

  That makes a little jingle

  Jingle

  Jingle

  Jingle

  Jingle

  Jingle, jingle, jingle, JINGLE

  I’m losing my mind

  I can’t hear myself think

  When I run screaming mad

  The jingles only get louder

  I wish more than anything

  I was covered in bugs

  So I could just wear a flea collar

  Like my lucky, filthy brother instead

  Rainy Days

  I love
to gaze out the window

  And see the clouds rally overhead

  I love to press my nose against the glass

  And smell the air before the storm

  I love to tilt my head

  And hear the tap tap tap

  of the drops on the ground

  I love to gaze out the window

  And know that at any moment

  The dog will have to go out in that rain to pee

  So Small

  The sofa

  The counter

  The bookcase

  You

  Everything towers above me

  Everything looms over me

  Everything is so tall

  And I feel so small

  So wee

  So less than a speck

  That all I can do

  Is take it out on the carpet

  Right beneath my feet

  HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

  Tiny, insignificant carpet fibers

  That I soil daily

  To you I must seem like a god!

  Your Legs

  I weave and weave

  Between your legs

  I rub and rub

  Against your legs

  I roll and roll

  Right by your legs

  I hope and hope

  It’s just a phase

  I beg and beg

  It’s just new urges

  I pray and pray

  It’s not that I’m actually

  Attracted to your legs

  Because I’ve been here enough months to know

  They’re already in a committed relationship

  with the dog

  Youth

  The purpose of youth

  The point of being young

  Is to explore all that you can

  Go as far as you can

  Scale as high as you can

  Reach what great levels you can

  So long as you can

  Always be in the vicinity

  Of someone with a ladder or long arms

  Adorable

  I curl my adorable fur body

  Into an adorable fetal ball

  As I tuck my adorable head

  Into my adorable tail

  And sigh my adorable sighs

  As I rest adorably

  Right on top of the one thing you need right now

  Sleep, adorable me. Sleep.

  I Pounce!

  I pounce on my brother!

  He pounces on me!

  Then I pounce on my brother!

  Then he pounces on me!

  Now I’m on top of him!

  Now he’s on top of me!

  Aaaaaaaaaaaaand . . . time!

  So with a score of 126–85

  I win again!

  Boy, how I do love to play

  What I assume is Australian rules football

  Dear Diary

  Dear Diary

  I ran, I ran

  I ran, I ran

  I ran, I ran

  I caused something to shatter

  I ran faster, I ran faster

  I ran faster, I ran faster

  I ran at blinding speed

  I slept

  I will always treasure this day

  CHAPTER 4

  SAME OLD TROUBLE

  It’s a big, big world

  And there are great people wherever you look

  And if you play your cards just right

  They will all leave you alone

  OLDER CAT’S ADVICE

  Gratitude

  Thank you

  For everything

  You do for me

  Thank you

  For everything

  You have done for me

  Thank you

  For everything

  You WILL do for me

  Once I perfect hypnosis

  Hero

  Visionary

  Revolutionary

  Vanguard

  Hero

  These will be my names

  These will be my legacy

  These will be the chants

  That will greet me

  When I’m released from the bathroom

  For my time out

  As everyone agrees

  Someone

  Anyone

  Had to end the tyranny

  Of those hideous drapes in the den

  Not Goodbye

  I still smell the older cat

  On his favorite chair

  On his favorite blanket

  On his favorite toy

  On me

  I still smell the older cat

  But I can’t find him anywhere

  And now his dish is gone

  And now his bed is gone

  And now you are crying

  But I still smell the older cat

  So tomorrow I will look again

  Seen It All

  The couch

  The bed

  The chair

  The sill

  I thought I had sat

  Everywhere this house had to offer

  I thought I had seen

  Everything this home had to give

  I thought at my early age

  I had lived my entire life

  But then I saw the box

  And now I sit inside the box

  Staring off into the distance

  Ignoring your pleas

  To lift my ass so you can have

  Just one of the chocolates inside

  Even if it’s one of the lemon-filled ones,

  you say

  It’s melting into your fur,

  you say

  Please stop ruining Valentine’s Day,

  you say

  As I sit and lick my paw

  Only to find the coconut one tastes

  kind of odd

  You Did All This

  You did this

  You did all this

  When you left yesterday

  When you came back today

  When you left me alone all night

  Sure, maybe those aren’t your paw prints

  Sure, maybe you didn’t knock everything down

  Sure, maybe you didn’t put in the time and effort

  To somehow unscrew a bookcase without thumbs

  But I want you to look upon this wreckage

  I want you to remember you abandoned me

  And I want you to know that you did all this

  And that I was but the forgotten innocent

  Who just made damn sure it all got done

  Give Him a Treat

  When the dog sits

  You give him a treat

  When the dog heels

  You give him a treat

  When the dog rolls over

  You give him a treat

  But when I run up the curtains so fast

  That I slam my head against the ceiling

  You just scream and scream and scream

  Which leads me to conclude

  That when the dog does something amazing

  You think it’s a trick

  But when I do something amazing

  You believe it’s actually magic

  Maybe I’m Confused

  Maybe I’m confused

  Maybe I don’t know any better

  Maybe I was weaned too young

  Maybe I bit down on your nipple too hard

  But maybe you can calm down

  And stop your constant screaming

  Because, dude, I’ve only been sucking away

  For maybe ten minutes tops

  The Only Reason

  Listen to me

  Believe me

  Put your every confidence in me

  When I say

  That the only reason

  I walked off

  Right in the middle

  Of you telling me your big news

  Was so I could share it with

  the rest of the world

  Stretch

  Stretch

 
; Stretch

  Streeeeeeeeeeeeetch

  And still I’m too small

  To take over the couch

  So I knock down your lamp

  To fill up its space

  Wake me when it’s time for bed

  While You’re Typing

  I jump on your laptop while you’re typing

  And you just take me off

  Then I jump on your laptop while you’re typing

  And you lift me off with a sigh

  Then I jump on your laptop while you’re typing

  And you take me off with a grunt

  Then I jump on your laptop while you’re typing

  And you yell, “Stop it!”

  Then I jump on your laptop while you’re typing

  And you don’t understand

  That some writers just need editors

  And others need to be told

  “I’m sorry, but have you tried pottery instead?”

  I Panicked

  I panicked

  I flinched

  I lashed out

  I drew blood

  From the family dog’s nose

  I’m more monster than kitten

  I’m more beast than pet

  I’m being left alone

  The dog is under the bed

  I’m going to remember this trick

  The Lap

  I want to be on your lap

  I need to be on your lap

  I have to be on your lap

  I know you’re currently standing

  But my claws can only hold

  On to your crotch for so long

  So please take a seat

  Because I want to be on your lap right now

  Can’t Stop

  Ceiling

  Wall

  Floor

  Wall

  Ceiling

  Wall

  Floor

  Wall

  Ceiling

  Wall

  Floor

  Wall

  Please

  Someone

  Get me out

  Of this rolling hamster ball

  Sense of Wonder

  Thanks to my sense of wonder

  Thanks to my thirst for knowledge

  Thank to my need to explore

  To analyze

  To learn

  To find out all there is