I Knead My Mommy Read online

  Text copyright © 2014 by Francesco Marciuliano.

  All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form without written permission from the publisher.

  Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data available.

  ISBN: 978-1-4521-3291-4 (hc)

  ISBN: 978-1-4521-3711-0 (epub2, mobi)

  ISBN: 978-1-4521-3712-4 (epub3)

  ISBN: 978-1-4521-3711-7 (mobi fixed-format)

  The following photos © copyright Photographer/iStockphoto: luoman, 2 (typewriter); mjp, 6; KariHoglund, 13; annadarzy, 14; Dixi_, 19; annadarzy, 22; jaimaa85, 27; irontrybex, 28 (kitten); herkisis (frames) 28, 40, 45, 76, 82, 98; RealCreation, 31; Talaj, 36; BSANI, 42; michellegibson, 45; JanPietruszka, 46; jclegg, 49; Iriza, 51; alexxx1981, 53; Stuphipps, 56; Vampirica, 61; Dorin_S, 71 (kitten on stairs); ronen, 75; Lynchian, 76; MikeEpstein, 81; Lilun_Li, 82; prejak, 88; tonisalado, 95; AS_Fotos, 98; gitusik, 100; sansara, 105. The following photos © copyright Photographer/Shutterstock: maturos1812, 2 (yarn); Hasloo Group Production Studio, 10-11; schankz, 17; Orhan Cam, 33; Tom Gowanlock, 38-39; Jorge Pereira, 40; trainman32, 63-64; dien, 65; S-F, 66; Abel Tumik, 69; marekuliasz, 71 (stamp); marslander, 72; TuTheLens, 85; Shebeko, 86-87; Mike Flippo, 93; Nixx Photography, 96; John Smith Design, 103; Ostanina Ekaterina, 108; Andrey_Kuzmin, 111. 5 © copyright Francesco Marciuliano. 36 © copyright 123RF/Elena Kovalena.

  Designed by Emily Dubin

  Chronicle Books LLC

  680 Second Street

  San Francisco, California 94107

  www.chroniclebooks.com

  DEDICATED TO

  Fluffy and Ginger, two beautiful kittens my parents took in, and to all the stray cats that need a loving home.

  CONTENTS

  Introduction . . . 8

  CHAPTER 1: New World . . . 11

  CHAPTER 2: New Family . . . 39

  CHAPTER 3: New Adventures . . . 63

  CHAPTER 4: Same Old Trouble . . . 87

  Acknowledgments . . . 112

  INTRODUCTION

  Unbelievably adorable. Exceptionably inquisitive. Overwhelmingly energetic. Presently drenched in your sixty-year-old Scotch. Currently sticking its head out of the middle of the birthday cake you made but had yet to serve. At this very moment holding the cord of the ceiling fan, making a wider and wider circumference of shelf-high book/vase/keepsake destruction before letting go and slamming claws-first into your face with the full force of its love as you slowly count to ten before saying, “You . . . are . . . so . . . cute” into its belly.

  These are the words people use to describe their kittens. But how do kittens describe their people? Their kitten experience? Their kitten hopes, their kitten concerns, even their kitten selves? Well, thanks to a highly esteemed team of writing instructors who somehow managed to secure an art grant despite submitting a proposal that included the words “kittens,” “laptops,” and “blank verse,” kittens everywhere can now give full expression to their thoughts through the undeniable power of poetry.

  From their first toy that was never meant to be their first toy to the lasting pride that comes from going into something that sort of resembles a litter box, from the joy of moving into their forever home to the thrill of forever redecorating that home, these kittens’ poems will show you the world as seen through their eyes, and through their hearts, and as they try to pass through a toilet paper tube only to have their head stick out one side and their butt stick out the other, making them look like a kitty cannoli.

  Yes, by reading this very collection of their greatest work, you will finally understand why kittens are so inquisitive, where they get their energy from, and, of course, how much they love you. And so maybe the next time your own kitten cuts a swath of destruction through everything you hold dear (but can no longer actually hold because it’s all now in pieces) you will be able to look at him or her and say, “I see where you’re coming from now. I truly do. I just can’t see anything else because you’re still holding on to my face with all your claws.”

  CHAPTER 1

  NEW WORLD

  When you open your eyes

  For the very first time

  Try not to look horrified

  You might insult a nearby person

  KITTEN MAXIM

  I Knead My Mommy

  “Are you my mommy?” I ask

  As I knead the blanket

  Only for the family quilt

  to lie on the bed

  “Are you my mommy?” I ask

  As I knead the sweater

  Only to find that cashmere

  is so easy to shred

  “Are you my mommy?” I ask

  As I knead the dog

  Only to learn that apparently

  that is not a teat

  “Are you my mommy?” I ask

  As I knead the chicken

  Only for two cutlets to now be

  stuck to my feet

  “Are you my mommy?” I ask

  As I knead your body

  Only to remove clump after clump

  of chest hair

  “You are my mommy!” I say

  As I keep clawing your skin

  Until I get bored and just

  tear into your chair

  My Name Is

  My name is “Fuzzles”

  My name is “Nutters”

  My name is “Fuzzles”

  My name is “Nutters”

  My name is finally “Fuzzles”

  My name is finally “Nutters”

  My name is a point of contention

  Between two little sisters

  Until their father steps in

  And in the spirit of compromise

  Dooms me forever

  To be known as “Fuzznuts”

  I’ve Been Watching

  Like a human baby

  I cry a lot

  Like a human baby

  I need your help

  Like a human baby

  I crave your love

  Like a human baby

  I sometimes wedge myself behind

  the fridge

  Or run screaming across

  the kitchen countertop

  Or hide inside pillowcases

  Only to claw wildly at your ears

  when you rest your head

  Like a human baby

  I don’t know everything about human babies

  Especially since you don’t have one yet

  But when you do

  You can thank me for how I prepared you

  For when your human baby starts gnawing

  on exposed wires

  Ode to a Lizard I Didn’t Know Is Also a Pet in This House

  AUUUUUUUUUUU

  UUUUUUUUUUUU

  UUUUUUUUUUUU

  UUUUUUUUUUUU

  UUUGGGGHHHH!!!

  I’m sorry!

  I didn’t mean to startle you!

  I’m sorry!

  I didn’t mean to climb the wall!

  I’m sorry!

  I just had no idea you live here too!

  But let’s make amends

  And let’s be best friends

  And let’s see how much louder

  We can make our person scream

  By both crawling up his leg at 3 a.m.

  My First Toy

  My first toy

  Has wood for me to claw

  My first toy

  Has string for me to bite

  My first toy

  Has a hole for me to hide in

  My first toy

  Is called “Oh dear God, no! My guitar!”

  My first toy

  Is the best toy of them all

  People Food

  If you leave food on the counter

&
nbsp; It’s public domain

  If you keep food in a bag

  It’s fair use

  If you have food on your plate

  It’s free license

  If you hold food in your hand

  It’s nonexclusive

  And if you open a box of pizza

  It’s open source

  Or crowdsourcing

  Or whatever you call it

  When my butt plops in tomato sauce

  And your head drops in your hands

  Perspective

  From this very top branch

  From the very pinnacle of my world

  I look upon my dominion

  I gaze on all of which I am king

  I see your knee

  Pass right by at eye level

  And once more I am reminded

  That this carpet tree and I

  Still have a lot of growing up to do

  Curious

  Intrigued

  Inquisitive

  Fascinated

  Captivated

  Spying

  Prying

  Curious

  This is who I am

  This is how I live

  This is why I’m now covered

  In flour, fudge, and Scotch

  Big Box

  I don’t like this big box, I cry

  I don’t like it at all

  There’s just too much space

  And the sides are way too tall

  I don’t like this big box, I whine

  It feels more like a trap

  I miss the coziness of the box of tissues

  Or the sticky one with clear wrap

  I don’t like this big box, I plead

  I don’t feel quite secure

  Anyone can jump in

  My ceiling’s an open door

  I don’t like this big box, I yell

  How I’ll escape I don’t know

  Then suddenly you lift me out

  And I jump back in because I decide when

  and where I go

  When I First Open My Eyes

  When I first open my eyes

  I expect to see marvels

  When I first open my eyes

  I expect to see splendor

  When I first open my eyes

  I expect to see

  These four other damn fur balls

  Who keep pushing me out of the way

  To get to mom’s milk

  Adopted and out of the picture

  Not Prepared

  HOLY—!

  WHAT THE—!

  SON OF A—!

  That thing isn’t cute!

  That thing isn’t purple!

  That thing isn’t fabric!

  That thing isn’t at all

  Like the toy mouse you got me

  Now he’s skittering across the floor

  Now I’m scrambling up your legs

  Now you might as well have me fixed

  Because my manhood is as good as gone

  Shy Kitten

  And then another friend shows up

  And kisses me as I fidget

  And then another friend shows up

  And pets me in the wrong direction

  And then still another friend shows up

  And chases me around the house

  And then all your friends

  Ask to see your new kitty

  And then I wish you were a hoarder

  Because I’d like to hide behind

  137 toasters right now

  What Will I Be?

  As a little kitten

  I ask my older resident cat

  “When I grow

  What will I be?

  Will I be a guard cat?

  Will I be a police cat?

  Will I be a rescue cat?

  Will I be a seeing-eye cat?”

  This is what the older resident cat

  Said to me

  “YAWWWWWWWWWWN”

  Then he rolled over and went back to sleep

  Apparently our kind

  Is not so professionally inclined

  Praise

  All the praise

  All the kisses

  All the treats

  All the love

  You give me

  For finally using the litter box

  All that makes me look forward to

  All the applause and awards

  You’ll give me

  When I manage to hit

  A much smaller target

  Another Way

  Before I stop squirming

  Before I stop screaming

  Before I stop trying to remove

  Every layer of your skin

  Before you

  Before the doctor

  Before the nurse

  All gang up

  To hold me down

  All I want to say

  Is that this is NOT where I saw you

  Put the thermometer

  When you took your own temperature

  Black Kitten

  I purr

  I nuzzle

  I lick

  I cuddle

  I run

  I leap

  I play

  I sleep

  But if you think all that is an evil omen

  If you think all that is pure bad luck

  Then yes, you will endure great misfortune

  Because without me your life will suck

  CHAPTER 2

  NEW FAMILY

  If you ever forget

  Your person’s name

  It’s either “Chair” or “Sofa”

  Depending on their position

  KITTEN TRUISM

  I Will Save You

  MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW

  DON’T YOU WORRY!

  SCRATCH SCRATCH SCRATCH SCRATCH SCRATCH

  DON’T YOU FEAR!

  BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG

  DON’T YOU THINK

  FOR ONE SECOND

  THAT I WILL EVER STOP!

  THAT I WILL EVER GIVE UP!

  THAT I WILL EVER LEAVE YOU BEHIND

  THIS LOCKED BEDROOM DOOR!

  FOR I WILL SAVE YOU

  FROM ANOTHER SLEEPLESS NIGHT WITHOUT ME!

  Wet

  First I get my tongue wet

  Then I get my chin wet

  Then I get my paw wet

  Then I get my head wet

  Then I’m soaking wet

  Then I’m burning mad

  Then I’m wearing it like a turtle shell

  Then I’m telling myself that

  Next time I’ll read the instruction manual

  Before I try to drink milk from a bowl again

  There Is an Older Cat

  There is an older cat

  Who does not want me here

  There is an older cat

  Who hisses when I approach

  There is an older cat

  Who eats my food

  Who steals my toys

  Who pushes me off chairs

  Who bats me on the head

  Who bites me on the neck

  There is an older cat

  Who does not know

  Just how big my breed gets

  But there is an older cat

  Who in six months’ time

  Is going to learn that 24/7

  Hello!

  “Hello!”

  And you wake up screaming

  “Hello!”

  And you nick yourself shaving

  “Hello!”

  And you spill coffee on your groin

  “Hello!”

  And you fall down six steps of stairs

  “Hello!”

  And you smash your head on the front door

  Every morning when I leap out of nowhere

  And meow “Hello!”

  You do something so very, very funny

  That I’m reminded once more

  How lucky I am

  To live with someone with such great

  co
medic timing

  Luxury

  These

  These

  These right here

  Are the softest

  Are the comfiest

  Are the most luxurious

  Bed sheets

  I’ve ever hacked up on

  Thank you again for inviting me into your home

  And Then You Said “No”

  And then you said, “No!”

  And then I looked at you

  Waiting for a definition

  And then you said, “No!”

  Again

  As if “No!”

  Defined the word “No!”

  “No! No! No!”

  And then I realized

  You must be practicing a musical note

  Over and over again

  “Nooooooooooooo!”

  And then I went back

  To shoving my paw in your mayo

  My Kitten Brother

  My kitten brother

  My kitten best friend

  My favorite kitten

  With whom I’ve shared

  Every great kitten adventure

  Two great kittens could ever have

  Is apparently a schnauzer

  But I won’t tell him that

  For it would break his kitten heart

  Secure Room

  I can hear the resident cat

  Sniffing

  Scratching

  Scrambling to reach

  Under my closed door

  But before he can enter

  I have to feel more secure

  I have to build up my courage

  I have to perfect my “insane eyes”

  Because when we first meet

  I want the resident cat to think

  “Damn, he crazy!”

  And just cede the entire couch to me outright

  I’m Right Here

  Just because I’m a kitten

  Just because I don’t say a word

  Just because no one else is here

  Just because I’m not even looking at you

  Doesn’t mean you have just cause

  To do whatever you want