Royally Screwed: British Monarchy Revealed Read online

  August 27, 1979, Mountbatten at age 79, was killed instantly by a bomb in his boat at Mullaghmore, County Sligo in the Republic of Ireland, whilst on a fishing holiday with his family. His grandson, Nicholas, aged 14, and a 17 year old boatman also died in the blast. The Irish Republican Army (IRA) claimed responsibility and called it an act of war. This was a very convenient assassination for the Royal spin machine.

  I use the word convenient here because, Mountbatten’s flagrant homosexual behavior, the scandal concerning the orphanage at Kincora, and the fact that he wandered out at night in search of rough trade without the protection of bodyguards, was well known to the secret service and obviously to the IRA. He had become a soft target. He was without protection and now a liability to the royal family. Ergo, the IRA did them a “booming” favor.

  Chucky was completely devastated at the sudden death of his favorite family member and having lost his closest confidante and mentor he turned to the one person who could possibly replace him, someone who was capable of listening to him and understands his whining and moaning about his terrible lot and how he was so misunderstood by everyone. Who could it be???? Who??!!! Of course, who else!!!

  Wallis & Millie

  (Subtitle: The Old Crock and the Old Mare)

  It may be safe to say, that history, like last night’s curry and a can of beans, has a terrible habit of repeating itself.

  If you look at the late Edward VIII you might notice that he bears an uncanny resemblance to the current Chucky, future King of England. Not surprising, I hear you say, it is his Uncle, brother of Grandfather, Albert, or ‘Bertie’, who was also known as George. (Remember that? Just checking you are still awake.) Although the resemblance is more than a little skin deep.

  Both diminutive men who had very distant, some might say, non-existent relationships with Mummy. Mummy was cold, withdrawn and often away, so Nanny and Teddy became the central focus of their lives. Both men held an attachment to Teddy well into their adulthood and beyond, which makes sense when you look at the kind of women they find alluring.

  Both closet Queens (allegedly) and of course not for anyone to say, Noel Coward was convinced that Edward was (in his words) ‘queer’ and many would have considered him an expert on the subject!! Chucky’s earlier life influence with Uncle Dickie - the biggest fairy in the castle - would have introduced him to that lifestyle in his formative years.

  Then he was off to the Navy (hmmm). And most recently, accusations of male rape which took place within the walls of Chucky’s Palace, though never proven and dismissed as ‘ridiculous’. We could certainly apply the theory known as ‘Ocam’s Razor’ here. If it’s yellow, has feathers and goes quack, you guessed it! It’s related to Daffy or Donald! Whether they were, or weren’t, is immaterial - the fact that they were spoilt, arrogant and insensitive to public feeling is probably more significant.

  Much more interesting is their relationships with the opposite sex. Edward (otherwise known as David, - stick with me here) had a penchant for married, unavailable women. Single woman held absolutely no interest for him. Once he met Mrs. Simpson, a twice divorced American Southern Belle, nothing could deter his dog eared devotion. This was an odd looking creature it has to be said, whichever way you looked at her, the word feminine and woman might never have entered your mind. She was the absolute antithesis of the quintessential female.

  Think if you will of Sophia Loren, curvaceous hips, voluptuous bosoms and full lips. This ‘woman’ was stick thin (apparently she had a tendency to bulk up like a boxer if she put on any weight, so she didn’t eat) with an austere thin alligator style pillar-box mouth. If you live in the United Kingdom and you wish to post a letter, you go to a post office box. The box is round, bright red and has a slit in the middle to push in the mail, which closely resembled the lips of Mrs. Simpson.

  There was no doubt she was ambitious, the thought of having an HRH in front of her name compelled her to stay in a relationship when she may have bolted. There were endless expensive gifts, with a jewelry collection that was nothing short of legendary. There were no children and David spoiled his Duchess and lavished her in every way he could, with jewels that he took from the Royal collection, courtesy of Queen Mary, which had been handed down from her mother-in-law Queen Alexandra… She restyled the elegant jewels into vulgar and gaudy pieces; insects and animals (no alligators!) and of course “Wallis the Wicked” had no problem wearing them to the only function where she was introduced to King George and Queen Mary, which she attended whilst she was still with her living husband, Ernest Simpson!

  Queen Mary noticed the jewelry on Wallis and sighed in despair, hoping against hope that they didn’t belong to the Royal jewelry collection. Beat that Millie for audacity!

  Ultimately what Wallis wanted was to be Queen; of course the Royal family and the government of the day had other plans for her. She was a twice divorced woman and an American to boot, there was a constitution to be upheld, Edward might be King but he still had to answer to the law of the land and of course, God. Especially if he was to retain the title of Head of the English Church, defender of the faith and God’s representative on Earth!

  Both Edward and Charles share the all-pervasive depression gene. Moods swings and anger tantrums are almost as legendary as the jewelry, but not so sparkly.

  David/Edward wrote copious letters to friends telling them that he didn’t think that the job of King was one that excited him that much. His life had been mapped out for him, he griped, maybe he had other plans for himself. This he wrote on Tuesday. By Wednesday of course, his story was different. He would be King; it was his destiny, his divine right. Chucky of course is the same animal, bemoaning and bewailing his lot, when he would be much happier just to be a farmer, dig up the garden, plant things and talk to the trees. That’s the life he would rather live… on Friday. On Sunday of course it’s ‘I am THE FUTURE KING. Don’t forget for one second who I am’!!!!!!!!! He might forget of course, but DON’T YOU!

  King George V died suddenly of a lung condition and the depressive, moody Edward came to the throne before he could marry Wallis and spent the next eight months vacillating from “I’m going to take on the country, the Royals, and the constitution” to “what do I want this for, I’ll be much happier throwing in the towel, marrying Wallis and living as I wish.” There was a much fiercer battle in his head than anyone could have known. Remember, Wallis did see herself as Queen, Winston Churchill was ready to spearhead a new political party called ‘The Kings Party’, they had a meeting on a Friday where they agreed to fight Stanley Baldwin (the current prime minister) and go to the country, let the people decide – Churchill felt that as the King was a popular figure, he would win them over. It was all systems go… on Friday… and by Monday….. Edward abdicated!

  King Edward VIII makes his abdication speech so that can live his life with Mrs. Wallis Simpson… the woman he loves”.

  His younger brother George (Bertie) became King and the rest (as they say) is history.

  Of course there was still the ‘Hitler Carrot’. This was 1936 and there was a strong possibility that Hitler would control Europe within the next few years.

  Hitler didn’t see England as his enemy. He would take over the country without a shot and put Edward back on the throne… and yes, Wallis would still get to be Queen and schlepp out the rest of the jewelry she hadn’t yet gotten her hands on.

  There were clandestine meetings with the Duke and Duchess, who would be a formidable tool in Hitler’s propaganda machine. Hitler is quoted as saying, “she would make a wonderful Queen”, which, incidentally, is what certain bum sniffers have said about Millie. Both observations are redundant. Wallis and Edward were outmaneuvered by the Royal family, and the government. They were removed to Bermuda and not allowed back in England. Their phone calls to Germany were monitored by the Secret Service, as they were used to keeping one step ahead of Hitler’s game-plan.

  So poor old Wallis never got to be Queen or even HRH which mu
st have stuck in her pillar-box craw, and all she ended up with was jewelry, jewelry and more jewelry and the dog-eared devotion of a man who called her ’Mother’ as she attempted to replace old moth-eaten Teddy. Women have sold themselves for a lot less! There were also rumors of other affairs with other men and often women.. No one should raise an eyebrow at that information. Just because Edward gave up the throne doesn’t mean Wallis should change her morals.

  Let’s fast-forward this whole scenario seventy years: Different people, same ol’ story - Chucky, the insecure, moody, manic- depressive, spoilt man who desires Millie, a woman that is ‘unavailable’. The woman is English and only once divorced, so that was a step forward. Only this time, the spoilt baby is married and there are children involved - both his and hers. That has to be at least six steps back; that is if he wishes to be King and retain the title of Head of the Church, representative of God on EARTH.

  Again the choice of the woman is rather… strange, this time it is no stick thin mannequin, with an alligator mouth, but certainly no Sophia Loren - a somewhat frumpy, plain looking woman better fitted to the role of hospital matron or prison warden, with facial features closely resembling that of an Equus. Now horses are beautiful animals, but take away the long elegant legs (all four of them) and the sleek, muscular body, large doe eyes, long flowing hair, a tail that rises and falls as it runs like the wind, and you are left with a long face and large teeth.

  It’s Mother and rotten old threadbare Teddy just like Uncle Eddie. Only this time, Chucky, has side swiped the government, the constitution and the Church, leaving nothing to stop him and Millie, as they act as representatives of Great Britain and God on earth, which confirms my belief that we have to be living in Dante’s Inferno.

  There is the same old dog-eared obsession, which wore down Wallis’ patience, but Millie has the determination and ambition to overlook all that and of course she already is HRH and don’t forget she has already mopped up Grannie‘s diamonds and has her eyes firmly fixed on the Queen‘s.

  But if history is nothing but a bad plate of last night’s curry or a can of old beans could it help us to understand the past in order to decipher the message of the future. Shouldn’t we perhaps learn something from it?

  If George V hadn’t died so suddenly, then Edward would probably have been able to marry his ‘mother-mistress’ whilst the old King remained on the throne. The Royal family would have given her the title of ‘Duchess’…… sound horribly familiar? And then by the time the Old King died the country would have been used to the Prince and the ‘Duchess’ and would have allowed them both to come to throne without too much drama.

  The fact that the old King died BEFORE the new King’s marriage was the straw that broke the country’s back. Once King, he couldn’t possibly be allowed to marry a twice divorced woman whose husbands, both of them, were still very much alive, and the law required that she be a woman who had “not been taken from her husband”, which everyone knew she was. You can’t be Defender of the Faith and go around taking women from husband’s who have no intention of parting with them. Apparently this is seen to be a ‘bad’ thing and comes from a law, concerning Kings and Royalty which dates back several thousand years. But let’s face it, the whole thing really has no relevance today, and has obviously passed its “sell by” date even if you are supposedly “defender of the faith”.

  The ‘new’ King wanted to have his place on the throne, but only on his own terms. He rejected the old regulations of the Palace, even though at the time the country preferred the stable, stuffy old Monarchy that had been around since the Tudors and Stuarts.

  This new style Monarchy, would have placed him, Edward, in a position of ‘mild dictator’, aligning his political tendencies with those of Adolf Hitler and changing the complexion of the war and the Western free world as we now know it. Why? Because a man with a serious personality deficiency fell in love with his ‘mother-mistress’ and needed to be dominated allowing her to take command.

  So England would have been controlled by “Wallis the Witch” an ambitious alligator with an eye for big jewelry and a title or two. Today the country is ready for a far more modern monarchy along the lines of Belgium and Lichtenstein: A young family with 2.4 children, with a young wife who may have a career, but may also stay at home to raise her children and involves herself deeply in charity work.

  A modern family that upholds family values which keeps in touch with the pulse of the people that inhabit multi-cultural Britain.

  Ergo, they are not one bit interested in a pair of old fogey’s who have never held a job. They don’t care to be lectured to about global warming by a Prince who owns seven Palaces with over 40 bedrooms each and has a carbon footprint larger than that of the Tibetan Yette. Even though, it has to be said, he has been producing his own fairly decent organic sausages. Where are Al Gore’s organic sausages? Or maybe we just don’t want to go there.

  Like his Uncle before him, this Prince has a supreme arrogance.

  And now the scene is set for Queen Wallis II, or Duchess Millie (who really is Princess of Wales, Queen in waiting, the defender of adultery, poor taste and bad breath) to drag the godless country of England into God knows what.

  Millie – HERStory

  Born Camilla Shand.

  Father was a cavalry officer in the Royal Household and Mother was the daughter of the third Baron of Ashcombe. The family had built most of Pimlico (quite posh) and Belgravia (extremely posh) in London which meant she was stinking rich and there was absolutely no need for Millie to work, find a career or a reason to be useful, so consequently - she didn’t. She became best known to her friends and family as ‘The laziest woman in England’.

  She had two great passions - hunting and humping… probably not in that order. To her friends and fans she was forward, uninhibited and bohemian. To the rest of us she was ‘a slapper’, ‘a goer’, ‘and a slag’.

  When Chucky embarked on his first passionate liaison with Millie in 1972, she was dismissed almost immediately by the Crown as unsuitable for the role of Princess of Wales. Her reputation had preceded her and they deemed her ‘Second Hand Goods’.

  Their opinion of her was not as devastating as it might have been, because she was just filling in time with HRH, as her heart was really somewhere else. This doesn’t mean she wasn’t terribly flattered to be held in such high esteem by the future King of England, but as sexually stimulating as it was for both parties, Millie was anxiously waiting for her dashing Officer of the Cavalry, Andie Plonker Balls to finally pop the question.

  In 1973, after a six-year wait, it eventually came and Millie accepted without a second thought and left poor old Chucky all adrift. That’s because he was on a boat at the time somewhere in the Caribbean.

  Just because Millie never worked a day in her life (unless you count four months as a receptionist at Colefax and Fowler Interior Designer) didn’t mean she was lacking in ambition. She had it in bucket loads. Her ambition was to follow in her late Great Grandmother’s footsteps and become the mistress to the Prince of Wales.

  Her late Great Grandmother was Alice Keppel; long time mistress of Chucky’s Great Grandfather, King Edward VIIth.

  ‘My Great Grandmother was your Great Grandfather’s mistress – so how about it?’ These were the now famous first words to come out of Millie’s mouth the first time she met her Chuckypie.

  Subtle, discreet, shocking and lacking any morality was ever part of Millie’s charm, and if jumping into bed with a rattlesnake was your choice, you were home! As Prince Chucky was just a weak ’ol possum that loved to be dominated, it meant, to him that she was completely irresistible!

  After several years of marriage to Andy Plonkie Ballie and two children later they agreed on an open marriage, she was now free to pursue on her lifelong ambition of becoming mistress to the Prince with gusto and she suggested picking up where the two of them left off several years before. Chucky thought the idea was excellent and from that moment on Millie be
came the sole provider of his sexual proclivities and whims and his greatest confidante.

  Nothing daunted or deterred them, they pursued their affair with a reckless abandon that would humiliate Millie’s husband and anyone else who witnessed it, groping each other in public places like punch drunk teenagers. Other girlfriends came and went, and potential wives were found and brought before the Prince but they were merely humiliated as Chucky only wished to worship at the alter of Millie. Her role as mistress completely secured, she felt the affair could be better served if Chucky (now 36) was married as well.

  Andy Porker Bully was laying down his wife for his country and it would only be fair if Chucky could play along and find a partner who would be only too willing to do the same – sorta.

  Finding a Bride for Chucky wasn’t as straightforward as it might have first appeared. Chucky was the most eligible bachelor in the world and his bride would be Queen of England! That had to look good on any guys’ resume.

  We’re off to a promising start. Chucky had all the equipment and the tackle that any man could wish for – and we know this because the British tabloids had snapped a picture of the ‘Royal Member’ after ‘it’ was exposed during a sailing trip.