Royally Screwed: British Monarchy Revealed Read online

  A large gust of wind picked up and blew his kilt over his head. The cameras began snapping away. Tape measures began sizing the developed pictures – is nothing sacred? Together, the credentials looked promising but that, unfortunately, was where it ended.

  The equipment was useless because the only person capable of operating it was Millie!!!! Chucky, by all accounts, was a boorish and tactless lover. Unbelievable! (In later life, Chuckie scored a dynamic zero out of a possible 10 on Diana’s lover chart - How could that have happened?!) He appeared to lack any charm or finesse with other women.

  Aristocratic, well-to-do Royal Groupies were brought to his bedroom door like $5.00 hookers to satisfy his basic needs, and were then abandoned to be driven home by servants leaving them feeling empty and used - which they were! Millie controlled everything. The brain and the pee pee. And as the pee pee was the greater member of that team, it was safe to say that Millie did the thinking for all three of them.

  Into this cesspit of lies and duplicity walked an extremely innocent and unworldly teenager, Lady Diana Spencer. As a brood mare and a vacant womb, which, let’s face it, is really all she was as far as the Royal Family were concerned, Lady Diana Spencer, was almost perfect. At 19, she was a virgin, which was of vital importance if she were going to marry a future King.

  The Spencer Family could trace their dynasty all the way back to the Stuarts, the English wives of Henry VIII and somewhere along the way, George Washington. This was far more impressive than anything the Saxe-Coburg-Gotha-Windsors, of German Teutonic and Greek stock, could come up with.

  The name Windsor may have conjured up images of Shakespeare and Elizabeth I, Henry V and the battle of Agincourt. But now with Lady Diana Spencer, they could actually inject some terribly British blood and height! Diana was 5 foot 10” and Queen Elizabeth, 5’2”.

  Chucky had bumped into this young brood mare by accident and Millie and Chucky couldn’t believe their luck. They spent hours together between the sheets thinking up ways to seduce her. If you have ever seen the film ‘Cyranno De Bergarac’, a handsome young suitor uses the words of extremely unattractive brilliant older man with the rather long proboscis (nose) to seduce the beautiful young heroine. This plot was not too dissimilar. Millie worked Chucky like a puppet, putting all the right words into his mouth and luring Diana into their horrid little web. What could possibly go wrong?

  So Chucky did his duty and found an unblemished virgin with good bones, four inches of extra height, a dynamic British heritage to inject into the Windsor bloodline. He proposed without any great romantic fuss or flurry and to his complete surprise – she accepted! She was very young and began to giggle which annoyed her future husband, as he reminded her; he was to be the future King of England so this contract was to be taken seriously. I’m surprised she didn’t swoon at the love and devotion he was offering. NOT!!!

  Several weeks before the wedding, Chucky began having second thoughts. The reality of this forthcoming marriage started to intrude on the fantasy he had created with his paramour. Little things started to bother him and had our Chucky all worried and anxious about his forthcoming nuptials. Things like: maybe she’s too young; we have little or nothing in common; I don’t know her; we’re complete strangers; I don’t love or even like her that much. Desperate and concerned he phoned Millie to share his feelings about his cold feet and maybe it would be for the best if they just call the whole thing off! Millie wasn’t having any of it! She was furious! It was their plan and it was brilliant. Didn’t he trust her? Didn’t he know that SHE knew far better than he what was best for him! So enraged she banged down the phone and refused to even speak to him until he relented. She was nothing if not focused. So relent he did. He couldn’t have his lover angry with him. That would be terrible. So the wedding went ahead.

  The engagement was officially announced; Diana was informed that morning that she would be moving into Buckingham Palace. She packed very quickly and couldn’t tell any of her friends or notify her family. She arrived at the large Palace all alone, greeted by a handful of faceless servants. No one from her new family was there to meet or welcome her to her new home.

  The only thing that welcomed her when she arrived was a letter, written several days earlier, from none other than dear ’Ol Millie. Would Diana like to meet her for lunch? They could be ‘friends’. How “Terribly Naice”! In retrospect, how chilling.

  Millie did make one glaring error in her pre-nuptial calculation. It was Millie’s considered opinion that Diana was ‘a silly little girl’, ‘a perfect piece of wife fodder’ and that their adulterous liaison would be able to continue as smoothly as it had before he was wed, because Diana was certainly ‘no threat’ to them.

  Hhmmmmm.

  When is a Tampon - Not a Tampon?

  The Oxford Dictionary meaning of “Tampon” is thus:

  Sorry if you were just about to eat – but if you are wondering what this has to do with anything, please stick with me – because it’s very relevant!

  The GBP (Great British Public) were blissfully unaware of Millie’s existence until the early part of 1993. We bought (and literally paid for!) the whole fairy tale Royal wedding; the honeymoon; witnessed the birth of the two healthy boys, William and Harry; but nothing filtered down through the tabloids about Millie.

  By the end of the 80’s there were noises that all might not be well in Chucky’s marriage, but this was seen mainly to be the fault of Chucky’s wife. She had eating disorders; threw tantrums, and made unreasonable demands; displayed evidence of paranoiac behavior and suicide attempts. There were even rumors at one point that they might have her committed!

  The anti-Diana spin machine was working full force, although in the main, the GBP weren’t buying it. They weren’t getting along; they were leading separate lives.

  In December of 1992, John Major, the then Prime Minister announced to parliament that Chucky and Diana were to separate and in the Christmas of the same year the Queen announced that she had had an ‘Annus Horriblius’. Not being a nation of Latin speaking Roman Centurions, it was difficult to ascertain what she meant by this. ‘She had a horrible anus?’ or most likely we deduced ’a bloody awful year!’ Why didn’t she just say so?

  Then in the early part of 1993 the Sun Newspaper printed, in full, the recorded evidence of a telephone call made the previous December between Chucky and Millie. It was a conversation that was highly sexual, overtly smutty, between two people who can’t wait to get in to each other pants - and LIVE there apparently!!

  Prince Charles Riding a Camilla-Lookalike Horse

  Tea Towels which could be purchased at wedding of Charles and Camilla

  Windsor – April 2005

  THE CONVERSATION

  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~

  *******CAMILLAGATE TRANSCRIPTS*******

  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~

  Charles: He was a bit anxious actually

  Camilla: Was he?

  Charles: He thought he might have gone too far.

  Camilla: Ah well.

  Charles: Anyway you know that's the sort of thing one has to beware of. And sort of feel one's way along with - if you know what I mean.

  Camilla: Mmmm. You're awfully good feeling your way along.

  Charles: Oh Stop! I want to feel my way along you, all over you and up and down you and in and out...

  Camilla: Oh!

  Charles: Particularly in and out!

  Camilla: Oh. that's just what I need at the moment.

  Charles: Is it?

  Camilla: I know it would revive me. I can't bear a Sunday night without you.

  Charles: Oh, God.

  Camilla: It's like that programme Start the Week. I can't start the week without you.

  Charles: I fill up your tank!

  Camilla: Yes, you do

  Charles: Then you can cope.

  Camilla: Then I'm all right

  Charles: What about me? The trouble is I need you several times a week
.

  Camilla: Mmmm, so do I. I need you all the week. All the time.

  Charles: Oh. God. I'll just live inside your trousers or something. It would be much easier!

  Camilla: (laughing) What are you going to turn into, a pair of knickers?

  (Both laugh)

  Camilla: Oh, You're going to come back as a pair of knickers.

  Charles: Or, God forbid a Tampax. Just my luck! (Laughs)

  Camilla: You are a complete idiot (Laughs) Oh, what a wonderful idea.

  Charles: My luck to be chucked down the lavatory and go on and on forever swirling round on the top, never going down.

  Camilla: (Laughing) Oh, Darling!

  Charles: Until the next one comes through.

  Camilla: Oh, perhaps you could come back as a box.

  Charles: What sort of box?

  Camilla: A box of Tampax, so you could just keep going.

  Charles: That's true.

  Camilla: Repeating yourself... (Laughing) Oh, darling I just want you now.

  Charles: Do You?

  Camilla: Mmmmm

  Charles: So do I!

  Much of the subsequent conversation consists of arrangements to meet surreptitiously, followed by a long exchange of declarations of love and goodnights. The transcript ends thus:

  Camilla: Bye, Press the button.

  Charles: Going to press the tit.

  Camilla: All right darling, I wish you were pressing mine.

  Charles: God, I wish I was, harder and harder.

  Camilla: Oh, darling.

  Charles: Night.

  Camilla: Night.

  Charles: Love you.

  Camilla: (Yawning) Love you. Press the tit.

  Charles: Adore you. Night.

  Camilla: Night.

  Charles: Night.

  Camilla: (Blows a kiss)

  Charles: Night.

  Camilla: G'night my darling, Love you.

  Only more remarkable was the fact that this wasn’t a conversation between two pot smoking, slightly backward, thirteen year olds! These were middle aged adults, married (obviously NOT to each other) parents of four children between them, having had the benefit of the best educational system. And HE is our FUTURE KING! Isn’t that a little worrying?

  I would make a bet that more than half the women on this planet (myself included) would cringe in embarrassment if a guy delivered us a line like, “I want to live in your trousers”. We might be somewhat appalled, make a pathetic excuse to get off the phone pronto and promptly change your name and phone number, POSSIBLY handing over the guys name to the authorities as you do so. ‘MY WHAT?????!!! YOU WANT TO LIVE IN MY...? EEEEEEW!’

  Not Millie! They tell each other “press the tit. I wish you were pressing mine” other wonderful witty dialogue like that as they try to end the call.

  Millie had finally been exposed to the GBP and the sight wasn’t pretty.

  In a television interview, Diana explained that there were “THREE of us in this marriage -– so it was bit crowded!”

  Overnight, Camilla had become the most hated woman in the country.

  She received sack loads of hate mail and during a visit to her local supermarket, was pelted with bread rolls. I wish I was there. What happened to the eggs and the flour?

  To a woman who had spent most of her life living in a rarefied and over protective environment, this reaction from the GBP was horrific, so she headed for the hills and didn’t move from her country estate until the GBP had eaten their bread rolls and made a cake with their eggs and flour.

  Poor Chucky fared no better. Obviously, no-one threw food, no-one could get close enough, but even his biggest fans and all the ‘yes’ men that surrounded him began to question his suitability to take the Throne. As the GBP were never going to earn themselves knighthoods and titles from toadying up to this royal twit, they had already reached the unmistakable conclusion that any guy who could throw over such a lovely young woman, mother of his two children, for a somewhat plain, frumpy, school marm wasn’t dealing with a full deck anyway.

  The GBP deserted Chucky in droves. Their despair and disgust at his behavior sunk his popularity to an all time low. Extraordinary as it may sound - Chucky didn’t feel he had done anything to cause his demise.

  Why was he being treated this way? He hadn’t done anything wrong and really felt the blame lay elsewhere, mainly at the door of his wife who simply didn’t understand that it was his God-given birthright to have as many women as he liked after he was married and a mistress was just part of the whole package. “Does she [Diana] expect me to be the only Prince of Wales in history not to have a mistress?” he growled in anger and frustration at the position that she had placed him in.

  He was so out of touch with the GBP that he believed going public with his affair, would draw a line under the last 12 years of his life, start afresh and move on. He genuinely believed and managed to convince all the toadying courtiers who never disagreed with his views, that the GBP would be completely understanding and supportive. SURE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  This was probably THE greatest miscalculation of his career….. thus far.

  In 1994 in a television interview with Johnathan Dimbleby (now a Sir) Chucky confesses to 20 million viewers that he committed adultery but states that the affair only started AFTER his marriage had irretrievably broken down and he and the Princess had begun to live separate lives. I think I can safely say – what a crock! But let‘s face it – what was the point of telling the whole truth, when half the truth did the job much better? So Johnathan Dimbleby presented half the truth because he didn’t know any different and the GBP was expected to swallow it, be understanding and give their full approval to Millie and Chucky’s relationship. In the interview Dimbleby then asks how his adultery will affect his ability to be the Head of the Church of England. Chuckie answers in true Bill Clintonesque style after contemplating exactly what ‘is’ is. He waffles some nonsensical gobbledegook about God, King and country and the true meaning of ‘is’ and we were supposed to buy it and be more than satisfied.

  If the result of this very public confession left the GBP shaking their heads with disgust (those that actually gave a damn) - the Church’s reaction was a universal unequivocal condemnation of their future Monarch.

  Every Holy Roller in the Queen’s Church was suffering from shock at the blatant confession of adultery and the complete lack of guilt! He was making a confession but there was no begging for forgiveness! (Hmmm.) Didn’t he realize that if he was ever going to get back into their good books he needed to make a lifetime commitment to celibacy and good works and apologize for past diabolical behavior? Basically, they needed him to eat crow and be contrite. This may shock you (better sit down before you read this next bit) Chucky did neither.

  The Archdeacon of York, the Bishop of Sodor and Man, the Bishop of Kensington, the Bishop of Birmingham were part of a large group of Bishops, Priests and various members of clergy, that asked the questions that were on everyone’s lips.

  ‘Does he have the right to be trusted with the role of King, when his attitude towards matrimony is so cavalier?’ (Good Question). “The Prince took a solemn vow before God in church, when he married Diana, which he appeared to have broken immediately” (NOT EVEN!)

  “The Prince shows an indication of a moral flaw which is most worrying” (NO KIDDING!)

  This attack on a future King by the most senior members of the Church was unprecedented in 400 years of British History! The general consensus was that he really wasn’t fit for the job. (YA THINK?!)

  But our Chucky was wholeheartedly committed to the idea of alienating his wife and having a ‘closer relationship’ with Millie. (Closer than a Tampon?) To the Church, this made his position untenable and he should simply ‘renounce’ the Crown. But to Chucky and Millie and all their ‘bum sniffing’ advisers and courtiers, the real criminal here was of course, Diana, (makes perfect sense to me- ?!) and they hated her for it.

  If one was to point an accusing
finger, which this Author NEVER would, we might even jump to the crazy conclusion that they wanted her… gone. Call me irresponsible. I’m probably the only person alive today who would have thought of that dreadful.

  So it goes without saying, that if there were any faults in this matter and any place to lay blame, it was obviously at the foot of his wife, the Monarchy, the Constitution and quite clearly, the Church.

  Moses Eats His Tablets

  Approximately four thousand years ago, Moses led 680 thousand Jews (that’s a lot of Jews! Not that many Jews in the whole of Britain in 2007) out of Egypt, where they were slaves, to their promised land. Unfortunately for him, and them, they wandered in the desert for 40 years before they actually got there and during that time, it was a very long time, society went to hell in a hand basket. In despair, Moses called upon a higher power, the Big Kuhuna, The Ganza Muchah (Yiddish for Big Cheese) for help and advice upon how to deal with the mayhem and madness.

  He returned from his meeting, with the Almighty, with the Two Tablets. On one tablet was five Commandments that dealt with man’s relationship with his God and on the other tablet were five Commandments that concerned man’s relationship with man.

  Four thousand years later, these very same 10 Commandments are the basis of every Judeo-Christian culture in the world today. Whether a person is religious or not, these same Commandments are the fundamentals of all moral codes that most people aspire to live by and pass on to their children.