Royally Screwed: British Monarchy Revealed Read online

  Okay, does being with this mistress the night BEFORE the wedding ceremony count? If we can’t count that – then there’s NO spin there.

  Buying that person jewelry and luvvy-duvvy phone calls before and during the honeymoon – does that count? NO! Well, no spin here either!

  Having sex with your paramour in the same house whilst your wife is sleeping upstairs in the marital bed? (This was confirmed by Chucky’s valet of 15 years.) Does any of this count?

  Let’s just say, it all depends what ‘irretrievably broken down’ means.

  And we can’t be specific about exactly what the term ‘Five years’ means either. (Five years would be after the birth of Prince Harry. Diana had done her duty – provided an heir and a spare.)

  Is that five light years? Is that Martian travel years? Years according to sand dunes and tree rings? So let’s just say that if we can’t really be sure that the affair ENDED (whatever ended means) then we really can’t be sure if and when it began - again?

  And horrible ‘middle class morality’ simply does not apply to the FIRST family anyway. But what do we know? And when did we know it?!

  Did we forget to mention that Millie was married and had children? Is that relevant?

  Spin story # 2 – Diana was ‘mad’. I think the word missing here is ‘Driven’.

  Chucky and Millie were diabolical in their determination to humiliate and destroy the power that became “Diana.” Her strength of character together with her isolation and intense vulnerability connected her to millions of people around the world who would never meet or know her. The duo’s hatred and jealousy of this woman forged their union and kept them together.

  Chucky would disappear at every opportunity to lie with his mistress. The children were left alone with their mother constantly, on holidays and family trips, excuses were given but the truth was Chucky was off somewhere else with Millie. The humiliation was constant and remorseless. Unfortunately, Diana was in love with this hapless glump, (nobody’s perfect) and desperately wanted him to become a father so that they could be a family. What a concept! To someone who abhorred middle class morality, this was never going to happen. Place all these factors together and it might be enough to drive you mad and you might start to behave in all manner of strange ways to get attention.

  Spin story # 3 – Diana was emotionally disturbed and paranoid.

  Bulimia and suicide attempts are facts that cannot be ignored. These were attempts to get attention from the one person that was persistently ignoring her (her husband) whilst he made excuses to leave her alone so that he could run off to be with his mistress.

  Paranoia! This stemmed from the fact that the people who she was close to were either bumped off (her personal bodyguard, Barry Mannakee, died in a tragic accident in 1987, or like her former lover James Hewitt who was allegedly threatened; with the words, “watch it. You could end up like Barry Mannakee”).

  This might cause her to think she was next because she believed she was being spied on and that perhaps people would like to get rid of her now that she had outlived her usefulness and was just becoming a nuisance - a very popular, but expendable nuisance.

  Spin story # 4 – Diana was an empty headed glamour puss and Camilla is a deeply intelligent woman who loves to garden.

  The truth was that Diana was tall – 5’10” – in stocking feet.

  Over 6’ when she wore heels. This meant she looked great in designer clothes and earned universal admiration when she walked into a room. So if we take this fact to its logical conclusion – tall, looks good in clothes and enjoys fashion – it is obvious to the spin factories that it could only mean she was an air headed, clothes horse who only lived to party.

  So forget the numerous charities that she supported. It could only be seen as just an excuse for her to get a new dress.

  The land mines were obviously just an excuse to travel (to the luxurious destination of Angola) and to wear stylish new sporty casual outfits.

  The work she did for AIDS was just another opportunity to meet gay designers who could make her fabulous new clothes. Why else would she bother?

  Spin Story #5 – Deeply intelligent Millie (but of course), left school without a qualification, and was sent to finishing school in Switzerland where she excelled in… ‘fencing’ - a deeply intelligent sport. She returned, went to her ‘coming out’ debutante parties and lived off the 500,000 pounds that she inherited in 1967 (equivalent to $5,000,000 today).

  Spin Story #6 – ‘An earthy woman who loves to garden’ means… She will hump anywhere. If you want to hump in the garden, she’ll hump in the garden. A woman of the earth - she looks like a farmer. Not big on charity work, she joined her first charity - The National Osteoporosis Society in April 1997 – four months before Diana died tragically in Paris. Since the wedding Millie has been on the Board of other charities. It has been documented that she often fails to show due to ‘illness’. She has no concept of duty – how could she – she has never had a job. How comforting that the first and ONLY job, she feels entitled to is Queen of England!

  Spin story # 7 – Millie will never be the Princess of Wales. Just because she calls herself ‘Duchess’, it is complete nonsense and spin that she’s not the Princess – she’s married to the Prince so she already is the Princess. She just daren’t use the title ‘Princess of Wales’; this was and always will be associated with the late Diana and she knows she will be lynched! And the egg and flour throwers will be out in force!

  Spin story #8 – ’Millie will never be Queen. She will be known as Consort’ Buuuuullllsheeyittt! If she is married to the King, she IS the Queen. No Spin. That’s fact! In 2005, before the wedding, the public was given this spin: “She will never be Queen”. In 2006, Chucky gave the British papers this quote: “She will be Queen.” In 2007, he repeated it: “She will be Queen.

  ”Spin story #9 – The boys (William and Harry) ‘love her to bits’. Of course they do… Why wouldn’t they?

  Fairies In The Castle

  During the reign of Henry VIII the act of homosexuality was considered high treason and therefore punishable by a visit to the chopping block and off with your head! OUCH! Let’s face it… as long as there have been kings, there have been “queens”. I am no expert but as I look back on the Royal history there was probably a reason that Edward II was killed the way he was (remember the red hot poker 'up the you-know-what' from the previous chapter “HIStory”?)

  Some of the accusations levied at Henry VIII second wife, Anne Boleyn, involved sleeping with her homosexual brother, George. She maintained her innocence throughout her trial and agreed to be exiled to a nunnery in order to save the life of her three-year-old daughter, Elizabeth. But that was not enough for her enemies or her husband who wanted her gone. She was forced to face the axe and was executed with six other men. All of whom were associates of her brother George and they were all documented pleading for forgiveness for the crime of homosexuality as they faced their execution.

  Elizabeth did eventually follow her father to the throne but the ‘Virgin’ Queen, never married. After the way her mother was treated, can you blame her? Without an heir, the throne eventually passed to her nephew, James VI of Scotland the son of her much detested cousin Mary. This man, incidentally, hated his Mummy. Life’s a bitch, especially when you’re a ‘Queen’ and so is Mummy!

  This new King was allegedly bi-sexual and had an open relationship at court with another man, the Duke of Buckingham, which, unbeknownst to him, he shared with his youngest son, the future King Charles I. This Royal threesome was unearthed by the internationally acclaimed best-selling author of Royal fiction and fact, Phillippa Gregory.

  In her novel ‘Earthly Joys’, she recounts at great lengths, the thought processes inside the minds of the great and the mighty. ‘If it feels good, do it' ‘If it feels good, and you THINK you can get away with it, even BETTER’ attitude of those who hold power and control over our lives! Lucky us! Lives with apparent little moral consequenc
e from 16th century London to 20th century Westminster - dates and places may differ but nothing ever changes that much. Who voted for that by the way?

  So let’s fast forward several hundred years to the Royal family of today that we all know and can relate to. The biggest fairy in the castle was of German/Greek stock who went by many names: Hesse-Darmstadt, Prince of Battenburg, 'The Battenburg Buggerer’ (to his friends) Earl Mountbatten of Burma and most importantly, 'Uncle Dickie’. Blessed with more titles that he knew what to do with and an immense arrogance and conceit, some would say gargantuan, he actually had very little cash but he soon solved that minor problem when he married well to the fantastically wealthy heiress, Edwina Ashley.

  Much later in his life, Mountbatten himself admitted ’Edwina and I spent most of our married lives getting into other people’s beds. Both were openly bisexual as was quite the norm for people of their line and class, (at the risk of repeating myself - nothing changes much!) although at the time homosexuality was still a criminal offense in England, so his behavior was certainly kept away from the general public. Though, having said that, he was quite an active bisexual because he had relationships with Noel Coward, and Edward VIII's, younger brother Prince George (NOT King George because his name was Albert) but the third son of King George V whose actual name WAS George. I know it’s confusing but wait for it. When Charles eventually becomes King he wants to change his name to… George.

  I digress… back to Mountbatten… Uncle Dickie had a constant companion, Peter Murphy, who he lived with until his death in 1966. Nobody quite knew what exactly Murphy ‘did’. But he was one of the elite Cambridge homosexual communists, who convinced Mountbatten that National Socialism and communism would eventually win the day in Europe and destroy the evil of American capitalism.

  Uncle Dickie had a huge influence on today’s Royal family. This was partly due to him being the real uncle of the current Prince Phillip; husband and consort to Queen Elizabeth.

  Phillip was relatively abandoned by his parents - his father left the family to live the life of a gambler with his mistress in Monte-Carlo. His mother, Princess Alice of Athlone was profoundly deaf from birth, suffered from severe mental illness, or did she? As all Royals have to maintain this image of perfection, her handicap was misunderstood as mental illness and she was sent away and was institutionalized in Switzerland. A truly fascinating person, she became a Nun and started her own order in Greece.

  She died in Buckingham Palace having lived her last two years with her son, the Duke of Edinbutgh and the Queen. Even though she died in England, twenty years after her death (on her own instructions) she was dug up by the Israeli government and buried in Jerusalem as a ‘righteous gentile’ because she risked her life saving Jews from the Nazis by hiding them in her convent and helping them escape.

  She may have been a wonderful Nun and a Princess, but as she was institutionalized for many years and her husband had disappeared, it left, the young Phillip, an orphan and virtually penniless. He was passed from family to family. He lived with relatives in Paris, Romania and eventually came to live in England at the age of nine and moved in with Mountbatten’s brother, the Marquis of Milford-Haven. A man famous for having the most expansive collection of extreme pornography; later bought by the British Museum(!) of which he was terribly proud. His wife, Nada, was having a relationship with Gloria Vanderbilt at the same time the young Phillip was living there.

  Phillip couldn’t help but be aware of their truly uninhibited lifestyle! He was sent away to be educated abroad and then came back to England to spend five years at the military-style school of Gordonstoun.

  At the age of 17, Milford-Haven died and Mountbatten became Phillip’s official guardian. His brother’s early death, though tragic, played into his ambitious plans perfectly. If he wasn’t going to be King he could certainly be a ‘Kingmaker’. His greatest adversary to that plan was the Queen Mother herself – often called the ‘marshmallow with the arsenic centre’. She was the true power behind the throne and wielded her own personal control over the British Royal Family. But once Mountbatten introduced his nephew Phillip to the young Elizabeth, his plan became successful beyond his wildest dreams.

  Elizabeth was instantly smitten and Phillip (a genuine Prince but poor as a church mouse) was part of the German-Danish-Greek Royal family, and even though her parents thought she was too young and unworldly in these matters (which she was), Elizabeth dug her heels in and became extremely determined. The name she would acquire as a married woman posed a little problem. She would be ‘Mrs. Schleswig-Holstein-Sonderberg-Gluksburg’, Queen of England! Notwithstanding it would be a tough one to get on a drivers license or checking account. England had just finished fighting a war against Germany! So again, no problem! Change it. How about we call ourselves Mountbatten! (Another fake made-up name but hey, it sounded good and quite British) and if you can’t actually BE King, what could be the next best thing? How about if the Royal family takes your name! Which Elizabeth did, after her marriage she became Windsor-Mountbatten.

  Chucky says that once he becomes King, he will drop the Windsor completely and decree that the Royal family become the House of Mountbatten. Uncle Dickie will be thrilled. That’s everything he ever wished for!

  Mountbatten’s influence over Chucky can never be underestimated.

  Neither of his parents came close to understanding him. He would never be the kind of machismo he-man his father wanted. Phillip clearly excelled at the tough military school of Gordonstoun, so he believed his eldest son would as well. Unfortunately, Chucky positively wilted and died there. This was NOT the place for a quasi-depressive, soul searching, sensitive, painfully shy man, who desperately needed a mother’s warmth and affection ~ like that was ever going to happen! His parents nicknamed him ’windy’, because he had such a problem speaking to them, he found it so difficult to communicate with then and spoke so quietly that nothing came out but…. wind!

  But he WAS the future King and if his parents had little time for him, there were two other people who were very interested in his well being, Grandma and Uncle Dickie! Uncle Dickie whose real name was Louis Francis Albert Victor Nicholas Battenberg (like the cake)… all those names and not a Dickie in sight. Official title: 1st Earl Mountbatten of Burma, KG, GCB, OM, GCSI, GCIE, GCVO, DSO, PC, (W.H.A.T… A... J.O.K.E.).

  Chucky called Mountbatten his “honorary Grandfather” and beloved mentor.

  What was he mentoring him in???! Does it even bear thinking about? This was a man who in later life was known to enjoy what homosexuals call the “rough trade”. This is sex with young ‘working-class’ youths in their teens. After he retired he became very involved in prison reform and he sat on the board of directors of boys orphanages in Ireland where he had a summer property. Very fine and admirable work, which led him to become involved (allegedly) in a rather unwholesome little coterie of prominent men who indulged themselves in sexual encounters with boys.

  One of the unfortunate children died, (not sure what happened exactly) and which is how the whole unpleasant affair was brought to the attention of the Police. Of course the whole crime was quickly hushed up. But today, thanks to the internet you can “read all about it”.

  It was Mountbatten that insisted Chucky go into the navy – where else? It was Mountbatten who insisted he leave Millie and go to sea. Good idea! He didn’t see Millie as anything special – just a passing fling and certainly not marriage material. He really wanted Chucky to marry his granddaughter, Amanda Knatchbull, and Chucky did propose, but sadly she turned him down, (smart girl) and let’s face it, the Queen Mother would never have allowed it anyway!

  Is it because of Mountbatten that Chucky has always shown a deep interest in the Fabian socialism movement, which was very popular with intellectuals and elites at the turn of the last century, a precursor to the Progressive movement in America. One of the leaders of this movement was the world famous Irish playwright, George Bernard Shaw, who was a big fan of eugenics. He wishe
d he could create a virus in a lab whereby he could wipe out millions of people, thus eliminating the expanding world population. This is interesting because the current Prince Phillip has often echoed the same sentiment stating that after his death he wishes to return as a virus and accomplish the same goal.

  If you are confused about why the wealthiest amongst us love the idea of communism, it has little to do with sharing what they have and everything to do with hanging on to their power and wealth, and making sure you get nowhere near it.

  Mountbatten would have also encouraged his nephew to have mistresses, a swinging lifestyle and no respect for marriage. That was a way of life created for the small people not for the likes of him.

  Was it Mountbatten that inspired Chucky’s love of magic and introduced him to the Magic Circle (an accredited organization of magicians of which he is the most famous member)? He started small with disappearing cups and rabbits. When he perfected that he moved on to the disappearing wife trick!

  O.K. So I'm a sick woman, what can I do?