Reader's Digest Funny Family Jokes Read online

  “There’s my name on my cap!”

  Sure enough, the name on his hat was the same as the one on the cheque. Then he leaned forward and whispered conspiratorially, “Actually, it’s my son’s cap, but we’ve got the same name.”

  • GRACE DIFALCO

  After years of watching his older brother, it was finally Jesse’s turn to play on a hockey team. We encouraged him at home, and I attended every one of his practices.

  We thought he was enjoying himself until one day before practice he turned to me and sighed, “If you like hockey so much, Mom, why don’t you play?”

  • JANET GASTALDO

  * * *

  They say that nobody is perfect. Then they tell you practice makes perfect. I wish they’d make up their minds.

  • WILT CHAMBERLAIN

  Tara, my wife, hates watching sports. So it was no surprise when, at her brother’s home one day watching the hockey playoffs, she moaned and groaned about how boring it all was. But when our team scored the winning goal and everyone leaped up and yelled “Yahoo!” including my wife, I was taken aback.

  “What are you so excited about?” my brother-in-law asked Tara. “I thought you hated hockey.”

  “I do,” she answered. “I’m just glad it’s over!”

  • DWAYNE A. ANDERSON

  Not quite grasping the sanctity of “Hockey Night in Canada,” I plunked myself next to my new husband one Saturday night to chat. He was distracted by the action on TV, and after being shushed a few times, I gave him a “look.” Immediately contrite, he picked up the remote. “I’m sorry, honey,” he apologized, “I’m being rude. You go ahead and talk–I’ll just turn up the volume.”

  • C. EPP

  One of my five-year-old son’s baseball games was rained out, so at the next practice the coach explained to the kids that he was going to schedule a makeup game.

  One of the players became very indignant and said that there was no way he was going to play a makeup game. In fact, he didn’t even like makeup!

  • JENNIFER ADAMS

  ALL BETS ARE OFF

  Tyler, my four-year-old son, went to a local baseball game with my mother-in-law. At the park, she gave him money to buy a treat from the concession booth. When he returned, she asked for the change.

  Tyler patted his pocket. “This is mine,” he stated.

  Then, pointing to the woman in the booth, he added, “She has yours.”

  • KELLY CHRISTO

  At my home games during softball season, Mom was always the loudest fan. My two younger brothers came along to play with the smaller children in the sandbox behind the bleachers.

  In the seventh inning of one game, as our pitcher was beginning her windup for what we hoped would be the last batter, Mom spotted several of the sandbox crew with arms raised and fists full of sand. In her most motherly tone, she shouted, “Don’t throw that!”

  The pitcher and all the other players immediately froze.

  • KIMBERLEY REED

  One afternoon I was watching a football game when my wife, Sophia, asked, “Sweetheart, can you help me with the dishes?”

  Lazy as I am, I called to five-year-old Jase, “Son, go help Mommy with the dishes. You’ll need the skills in the future to help your wife with the chores.”

  “Why?” he asked, “I can just let my son do them for me!”

  • JESSE YALCHIN

  Puttering round his local supermarket, the chairman of the world’s worst football team spotted an elderly lady struggling with her basket of shopping.

  “Excuse me,” he said. “Can you manage?”

  “Yes,” the lady replied. “But I don’t want the job.”

  • ROY BERRY

  Watching soccer on TV, my father started complaining about one of the players. “He’s got two left feet,” he shouted. “I don’t understand why they let him play at all!”

  “Maybe,” said my little brother quietly, “it’s his ball.”

  • PAUL MCAULEY

  My dad didn’t text me after the Patriots game, which is basically a Life Alert signal if you’re from New England.

  @JOSHGONDELMAN

  I fell while playing touch football at a company outing, breaking my arm rather badly. When my wife saw the crowd gathered around me, she came running over, took one look at my arm–and fainted.

  My son then came over, looked at his mother, saw my broken arm–and promptly threw up. Then my two preteen daughters came upon us. “What’s wrong with Mom?”

  Not wanting to alarm them, I said: “Just the heat, girls. She’ll be fine in a minute.”

  “What’s up with Ed?”

  “Just something he ate,” I replied.

  “And you, Dad. What’s wrong?”

  “A broken arm, but I’ll be just fine,” I assured them.

  After considering the facts for a moment, they asked: “Well, could we have ten dollars? The snack bar is closing in five minutes.”

  • HUGH FRASER

  After my daughter sat glued to the TV set for most of the day, I told her, “Do you know that the average American spends more hours per day watching TV than the average Olympic athlete spends training?”

  She replied, “What’s the point of all that training if no one’s going to watch?”

  • DAVE KOLACZ

  As a mother of four, I spend a lot of time providing taxi service to soccer games, football practice, and dance classes. But I didn’t realize just how much time it was until someone asked my three-year-old where he lived. “In my car seat,” he said.

  • CONNIE REDWINE

  There are three things in my life which I really love: God, my family, and baseball. The only problem–once baseball season starts, I change the order around a bit.

  AL GALLAGHER, 1971

  A chicken was playing in a soccer match and scored two goals.

  “You’re playing very well,” the referee said. “Do you train hard?”

  “Yes, I do,” replied the chicken. “But it’s not easy. I’m a lawyer and don’t have much free time.”

  With that the referee immediately pulled out the red card and ordered the chicken off of the pitch.

  “Why did you do that?” demanded the chicken’s teammates.

  “Professional fowl,” said the referee.

  • KEN CHAPMAN

  Talk about a freak accident. My uncle was driving to a hockey game with his two sons when their car hit a low-flying duck.

  After absorbing the shock of what just happened, Uncle Mike broke the silence with, “There’s a bird that didn’t live up to his name.”

  • JASON BULBUK

  On a brutally humid day, I walked past a miniature golf course and saw a dad following three small children from hole to hole.

  “Who’s winning?” I shouted.

  “I am,” said one kid.

  “Me,” said another.

  “No, me,” yelled the third.

  Sweat dripping down his face, the dad gasped, “Their mother is.”

  • TOM LAPPAS

  When our son was about four months old, I caught sight of my husband in another room, holding the baby on his lap, talking to him and pointing. I was touched by this father/son bonding, and went into the room to eavesdrop.

  “Football,” my husband said slowly, pointing to the TV. “This is football.”

  • JUDY WATSON

  A famous soccer player calls his pregnant wife, “How’s our baby?”

  “I have good and bad news.”

  “What’s the good news?”

  “He’s been kicking around a lot.”

  “And what’s the bad news?”

  “He hurt his knee.”

  • ROBERTO DA SILVA

  My short-sighted son hated playing football at school. He wasn’t allowed to wear his glasses and his inability to spot the ball led to many embarrassing incidents.

  But none of these compared to the day he collided with someone and apologized profusely. Not seeing the ball is one thing, b
ut saying sorry to the goalpost–how do you live that down?

  • EVE YAGNIK

  * * *

  I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shishkabobs.

  • MITCH HEDBERG

  My two-year-old son, Lucas, was determined to buy a new toy at the dollar store. We were waiting in line to pay for a carefully chosen set of toy golf clubs when Lucas announced, “Mommy, we forgot to get something!”

  “What’s that?” I asked.

  “The hole!”

  • CHARLYN BARRINGTON

  For the second time in a row, I was forced to impose on the woman with whom I carpooled to our children’s soccer practices. I phoned and explained that my husband had the car again, so I wouldn’t be able to take my turn.

  A few minutes before she was due to pick up my son, my husband showed up. Since it was too late for me to call and say I could drive after all, I asked my husband to hide the car in the garage and to stay inside. I also explained to my son that he shouldn’t mention anything about his father’s whereabouts. Unfortunately, my husband forgot and was in front of our house chatting with a friend when my carpool partner arrived. When my son returned from practice, I asked him if she had noticed.

  “Yes,” he replied, “she asked me which of the two men in front of the house was my father. But don’t worry. I told her I didn’t know.”

  • CECILIA RODRIGUEZ

  The crowds were gathering on Mount Olympus to watch a soccer match between the gods and mortals. As the teams ran out on to the pitch, the manager of the mortals asked the manager of the gods, “Who’s that character that’s half human and half horse?”

  “Oh,” replied the god’s manager, “that’s our centaur forward.”

  • BRIAN ELLIOT

  BRAVE NEW

  WORLD

  “USER: the word computer professionals use when they mean ‘idiot.’”

  DAVE BARRY

  TECHNOLOGY FAIL

  Our grandson’s scoutmaster must have fainted when he saw what he’d texted to his troop’s parents: “Scouts 7:00 Sharp at the Church. We will finish up Aviation, Cycling, and Gynecology Merit Badges.”

  That was followed by this message three minutes later: “Change of Plans. We will not be finishing up the Gynecology Merit Badge. Instead, it will be the Genealogy Merit Badge.”

  • CAROL ALLISON

  “. . . and what’s his domain name?”

  I mentioned to my sons that some teens used Facebook to plan a robbery at a local mall.

  “How did the NSA miss that?” my twenty-one-year-old asked.

  “I told you guys,” said my seventeen-year-old. “No one uses Facebook anymore.”

  • MARY-HEATHER REYNOLDS

  A month ago, my friend announced on Facebook that she was no longer ordering the large Coke at McDonald’s and would order only the small size. But the other day, looking to satisfy a craving, she drove up to the intercom at the drive-through and ordered a large soft drink. A disembodied voice replied, “I thought you were cutting back.”

  • JULIE ENGELHARDT

  I love the self-checkout aisle at my supermarket. The only problem comes when I leave an item on the scanner too long and the robo-voice scolds, “Please move your whole milk [or whatever] to the bagging area.” Ordinarily, I just ignore it. But on my last shopping trip, I moved fast when the voice began shouting, “Please move your pork butt.”

  • LARRY MORETZ

  Students at Iowa State University proved once and for all that the computer just can’t replace human calculations. They held an “IBM mixer” dance, where each student fed his vital statistics and interests into a computer and was then paired off with a member of the opposite sex who, the computer said, was most suited to him.

  Imagine the chagrin of one coed who ended up with her twin brother.

  • JIM CHAMPION

  GPS GONE WILD

  Simon Cowell: This entire trip has been simply ghastly. You missed two turns, and your side-view mirrors weren’t adjusted properly. And the worst part was the singing to the radio. Just awful. You’re no longer in the driver’s seat. In fact, I’d be surprised if you returned next week–because you’d probably get lost again.

  Jack Bauer: I don’t have a lot of time. You’re going to have to trust me. The country’s fate is in my hands. So please, listen to me. The Walmart is on the left, 2.6 miles up the road. Today’s the last day for the rollback prices on that wicker hamper you want, so grab it and go. Then we have some business to take care of.

  The Biggest Loser trainers: Come on! So you’re lost. Are you gonna cry? Don’t you dare reach for that glove compartment. I know that’s where you hide your Twix bars. Just take a breath. Pull over. Do some stretching. Get back in. And let’s turn around and get back on track! There’s a weigh station on the right.

  • READER’S DIGEST

  A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.

  EMO PHILIPS

  I was feeling pretty creaky after hearing the TV reporter say, “To contact me, go to my Facebook page, follow me on Twitter, or try me the old-fashioned way–e-mail.”

  • LEE EVANS

  A wife texts her husband on a frosty winter’s morning. “Windows frozen!”

  Her husband texts back, “Pour lukewarm water over it.”

  Five minutes later comes her reply: “Computer completely messed up now.”

  • CATHERIN HISCOX

  I was showing my kids an old rotary phone when my nine-year-old asked, “How did you text on it?”

  My fifteen-year-old daughter roared with laughter, until a thought occurred to her: “Wait, where did you store your contacts?”

  • TARA PRICE

  The computer in my high school classroom was acting up. After watching me struggle with it, a student explained that my hard drive had crashed. So I called IT. “Can someone look at my computer?” I asked. “The hard drive crashed.”

  “We can’t just send people down on your say-so,” said the specialist. “How do you know that’s the problem?”

  “A student told me.”

  “We’ll send someone right over.”

  • ROLF EKLUND

  My husband, a computer-systems trouble-shooter, rode with me in my new car one afternoon. He had been working on a customer’s computer all morning and was still tense from the session. When I stopped for a traffic light, I made sure to leave a safe distance from the stop line to keep oncoming drivers from hitting the car.

  I couldn’t help but laugh when my husband impatiently waved at me to move the car forward while saying, “Scroll up, honey.”

  • GEORGIA M. HARVEY

  * * *

  I’d like the window that says, “Are you sure you want to do this? OK/Cancel” to pop up less often on my computer and more in my real life.

  • @AARONFULLERTON

  My boyfriend Hans and I met online. After dating a long time, I introduced him to my uncle, who was fascinated by the fact that we met over the Internet. He asked Hans what kind of line he had used to pick me up. Ever the geek, Hans naively replied, “I just used a modem.”

  • ANNE MCCONNELL

  It was my friend’s first camping trip with her husband, and they were lost. He tried all the usual tactics to determine direction–moss on the trees (there was none), direction of the sun (it was overcast), and so on. Just as she began to panic, he spotted a cabin in the distance. “This way,” he said as he led her back to their camp.

  “How did you do that?” my friend asked.

  “Simple. In this part of the country, the satellite dishes point south.”

  • MARY ALICE BEHE

  WORLD WIDE WEB

  I purchased a new desktop-publishing program that surprised me by containing a make-a-paper-airplane option. I decided to give it a try. After I selected the plane I wanted, the software gave me a choice of accessories available for my plane, including a stick-up tail, adjustable flaps and an AM/FM radio. Out of curiosity I ch
ose the AM/FM radio.

  The program responded with a message box stating: “Come on, be serious. These are just paper airplanes.”

  • GREG SCOTT

  A solar-powered computer wristwatch, which is programmed to tell the time and date for 125 years, has a guarantee–for two years.

  • EMIL L. BIRNBAUM

  “I’ll miss you, Great-Grandma,” wrote my mother’s great-grandson in an e-mail he sent before shipping out to Iraq.

  “I’ll miss you too, dear,” she responded. “Stay safe. LOL, Great-Grandma.”

  Poor Mom didn’t realize that LOL doesn’t stand for “lots of love.”

  • JEANNE HENDRICKSON

  “When I was your age, I could tweet without a phone.”

  Playing around with my new iTouch, I decided to get directions to my son’s base from my home in Maryland. So I typed “Wahiawa, Hawaii.” I got turn-by-turn directions until I hit the coast. Then I was told, “Kayak across the Pacific Ocean entering Hawaii.”

  • CINDY HAYS

  I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named Fireworks and Vacuums so my dog won’t find them.

  • @ELITERRY

  Our newer, high-speed computer was in the shop for repair, and my son was forced to work on our old model with the black-and-white printer.

  “Mom,” he complained to me one day, “this is like we’re living back in the twentieth century.”

  • DENISE PERRY DONAVIN

  After we got broadband Internet, my husband decided to start paying bills online. This worked great; in fact all our bill companies accepted online payments except one–our Internet service provider.

  • SARAH LIBERA

  * * *

  There are only two types of computers in the world: those that waste your precious time and those that waste your precious time faster.