Reader's Digest Funny Family Jokes Read online

Where there was a little space to fill in M or F.

  • MÁRCIA SOUZA

  “Mom, I won’t go to school anymore.“

  “Why, my dear?“

  “It doesn’t make sense. I can’t read yet, and they don’t let me talk.”

  • ANDRÁSNÉ PLÓSZ

  * * *

  I don’t know how to speed-read. Instead, I listen to Books on Tape on fast-forward.

  Sylvia: “Dad, can you write in the dark?”

  Father: “I think so. What do you want me to write?”

  Sylvia: “Your signature on this school report card.”

  • ANDREA MARRIAGE

  A high school student is taking an oral exam on Contemporary History. Since he obviously doesn’t know much, he’s nervous, stutters and gives incomplete answers–a real disaster. The teacher, a good person at heart, intent on helping the student, says:

  “Don’t be nervous, relax. I’m going to ask you one last question, and if you answer correctly you’ll pass.”

  “Thank you teacher.”

  “So here it goes, what was Hitler’s first name?”

  The student smiles, breathes in confidently and replies:

  “Heil. Heil Hitler!”

  • JOÃO MENDONÇA FERREIRA

  Headmistress: I hear you missed school yesterday.

  Pupil: No Ma’am, not a bit.

  • MICHAEL MATHEW

  My eight-year-old brother was doing his homework but was stumped by a math question. “Katie,” he asked our six-year-old sister, “what would I get if I added seven apples and six apples?”

  “I don’t know,” she replied. “In my math class, we use oranges.”

  • STEWART SUTHERLAND

  * * *

  Never trust a man with a tassel on his loafer. It’s like, What, did your foot just graduate?

  My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard and earned an online college degree.

  @SCBCHBUM

  It was the first day of kindergarten for my oldest daughter, so I took her to wait for the school bus with my son, age three and a half. I didn’t really want it to show, but I was feeling sad, and as soon as she was gone I began to cry. My son did the same.

  The next day, we took her to the bus stop again. This time, I held back my tears when the bus had left, and Louis-Pierre immediately inquired: “Are we crying today, Mommy?”

  • MANON BRÛLÉ

  Did you hear about the cannibal who was expelled from school?

  He was buttering up his teacher.

  A secondary-school student came home one night rather depressed. “What’s the matter, son?” asked his father.

  “Bad news, Dad,” said the boy. “It’s my grades. They’re all wet.”

  “What do you mean ‘all wet’?”

  “Below C-level,” replied the son.

  • JEANNIE SANUSI

  At the beginning of the school year, I mentioned to a first-grade student that he’d grown a lot since I’d seen him the year before. “I’ve been doing a lot of that, growing and shrinking.”

  Puzzled, I asked what he meant. “Well, I used to be up to my big brother’s nose,” he replied, “but now I’m only up to his chin.”

  • BARB SODERQUIST

  “Can people predict the future?” my seven-year-old granddaughter, Cassandra, asked her older, wiser sisters.

  “Yes,” Rebecca replied, “Mom can.”

  “Really?” Samantha exclaimed.

  “Yep,” Rebecca continued. “She can take one look at your report card and tell you what will happen when Dad gets home.”

  • LOUISE KERR

  “Daddy, they call me Mafioso at school.”

  “Don’t worry, son. I’ll take care of it tomorrow.”

  “OK Dad, but please make it look like an accident.”

  • TANIA CARPINELLI

  “Who were the first people in the Garden of Eden?” asked the Sunday school teacher.

  Replied one small child, “The Adams family.”

  • PAT ELPHINSTONE

  First mother: “How’s your son getting on at medical school?”

  Second mother: “I don’t know, I can’t read his letters.”

  • FRED PEGG

  TAKE ME OUT TO THE

  BALL GAME

  “Our hometown baseball team is called the Possums. They get killed on the road.”

  RICHARD KLIMKIEWICZ

  SUPERSTARS

  My high-school basketball team was scheduled to play in the district tournament, and when we got there we were all excited to find our pictures and our stats published in the glossy program. My friend Brian Bird, a senior who was having a great season, eagerly searched for his name. But then he threw the program down in disgust, and I figured that there must be some error in his entry.

  Sure enough, his name appeared as “Bird, Brain.”

  • DARREN JOHNSON

  In honor of our armed forces, the University of South Carolina football team used the backs of players’ jerseys to display a little patriotism. They placed words like Duty, Service, Courage, and Commitment where players’ names would normally go. During the game against the University of Florida, a fight broke out, prompting the television commentator to announce, “It looked like Integrity threw the first punch.”

  • MIKE GADELL

  My husband, a big-time sports fan, was watching a football game with our grandchildren. He had just turned 75 and was feeling a little wistful. “You know,” he said to our grandson, Nick, “it’s not easy getting old. I guess I’m in the fourth quarter now.”

  “Don’t worry, Grandpa,” Nick said cheerily. “Maybe you’ll go into overtime.”

  • EVELYN BREDLEAU

  At five-ten and 114 pounds, our son, Dan, is the skinniest player on his high school football team. During one of his games, I remarked to a cousin, “I wonder why they gave him the uniform with the number 1 on it.”

  “It’s probably the only one that fit,” she said.

  • DIANE FELDMAN

  A five-year-old at my church proudly announced to me that he had scored five goals in his last soccer match and that his team had won the game.

  His mother added, “It was close though. The final score was 3-2.”

  • JEFF KINGSWOOD

  The night before she was to attend a celebrity golf tournament, my friend Irene went to a party in honor of the event. Several of the famous athletes who were playing in the tournament were at the door greeting guests. Among them was Joe Montana, the pro football Hall of Fame quarterback and Super Bowl winner. Shaking my friend’s hand, he said, “Hi! Joe Montana.”

  She didn’t know Joe Montana from Joe Six-Pack, so in all sincerity she extended her hand and said, “Irene. Minnesota.”

  • ROGER LEE

  My nine-year-old grandson Michael wiped the sweat from his face while taking a quick break from his soccer game. The coach ordered him back on the field.

  “I’m so tired,” Michael moaned.

  “You’re too young to be that tired,” the coach countered.

  “Well,” Michael persisted, “I’m 63 in dog years.”

  • COLLEEN LACHNER

  Our high school has lots of spirit, but that didn’t help the football team, who had yet to win a game. So when our principal saw some cheerleaders sitting in the stands, he asked, “Don’t you think you girls should be down there cheering for your team?”

  “I think,” one of them said, “we should be down there playing for our team.”

  • EMILY KARNES

  * * *

  Just play. Have fun. Enjoy the game.

  • MICHAEL JORDAN

  Anyone who’s just driven 90 yards against huge men trying to kill them has earned the right to do jazz hands.

  CRAIG FERGUSON

  After his football team won the Sugar Bowl, my brother received a championship ring. On it was Mike’s name, his number, the team mascot and, in the center, a blue field with No. 1 spelled out in diamonds.

  A
lthough thrilled, my brother wondered if it wasn’t a little ostentatious. My father assured him it was a badge of honor, a tribute to all the hard work he had done–and that he should wear it with pride. Just then my mother walked into the room. Glancing at the ring, she said, “Boy, is that thing ever gaudy.”

  • ROBERT STILLMAN

  SUPERFANS

  A buddy of mine, Mike, had season tickets to the Detroit Lions football games. Last year they had such a miserable record that he couldn’t give away two tickets to a game he wasn’t able to attend. While parking at a mall, he decided to leave the tickets under his windshield wiper. “And that worked?” I asked.

  “Not exactly,” said Mike. “I returned to find six more tickets to the same game.”

  • JOSEPH L. FROMM

  Lying battered and bruised in hospital, a man explained to his friend, “I told my wife that when the football is on TV, it would take a team of wild horses to drag me away. I still have no idea where she got them.”

  • JEFFREY CRUNKHORN

  “Actually, I’d much rather take guitar lessons, but he so looks forward to hockey season.”

  About to have a blood test, I nervously waited while the nurse tightened a tourniquet around my arm. “I understand you’re from Oklahoma,” she said. “Are you a Sooners fan?”

  “Absolutely!” I replied.

  “Well,” she continued as she raised the needle, “this may hurt a little. I’m from Nebraska.”

  • JANET THOMPSON

  On a Saturday afternoon when football fever was running high in South Bend, Indiana, a Notre Dame student was brought into the hospital where I was on duty as a nurse. He had acute appendicitis, and as I prepared him for surgery I asked if he wasn’t terribly disappointed to miss the big game.

  “Oh, I won’t miss it,” he said. “Doc is giving me a spinal anesthetic so I can listen to it during the operation!”

  • RITA HAMILTON

  After a high school basketball game, the coach spotted a cell phone lying on the floor. “Here,” he said to the ref, “I think this is yours.”

  “What makes you think it’s my phone?” asked the ref.

  “Easy,” the coach said. “It says you have ten missed calls.”

  • JANET KEENEY

  I was glued to the TV. It looked like the pitcher would throw a no-hitter. My wife, who thinks baseball is boring, wondered why the crowd was so excited.

  “It’s a perfect game,” I told her. “Do you know what that is?”

  “Yeah,” she said, “one that’s over.”

  • BOB RAPP

  While I was working security at a football game, a fan spilled beer on a cheerleader’s pom-poms. As a favor, I rinsed them off in the men’s room. As I shook off the water, someone came out of a stall. Stunned, he announced, “That’s the first time anyone’s cheered me on while going to the bathroom.”

  • RUBEN CHAVEZ

  Whoever said “It’s not whether you win or lose that counts” probably lost.

  MARTINA NAVRATILOVA

  Football finally makes sense. A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team’s bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

  “Oh, I really liked it,” she replied, “especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn’t understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents.”

  Dumbfounded, her date asked, “What do you mean?”

  “Well, they flipped a coin. One team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, ‘Get the quarter back! Get the quarter back!’ I’m like, Hello-o-o? It’s only 25 cents!”

  • MELISSA JONES

  GET YOUR GAME FACE ON

  I had the pleasure of watching my ten-year-old nephew’s final soccer game of the season. They were not doing well–they were losing 10-0 with two minutes left. But then they got a break and scored.

  The team went crazy! The parents went crazy! The coaches went crazy! Everybody was jumping up and down as if they had won the championship.

  When the kids came off the field, I caught up to my nephew as the celebrations continued. Puzzled, I asked, “What’s going on?”

  “You don’t understand,” he said. “That’s the only goal we scored all year!”

  • SHARON MAJOR

  My eight-year-old grandson, Cylus, has been losing his baby teeth over the last few months. Showing the loss of another tooth at the dinner table, he turned to his mom with his big grin and said: “Look, I am a hockey player!”

  • PENNY KELLETT

  A university rugby coach called out to the new team member, saying: “Look, I’m not supposed to have you on this team because you failed your math exams. But we really need you, so I’ll ask you one simple math question and if you answer it correctly, I’ll sign a slip to say you’ve passed math, OK?” The player nodded.

  “Right,” said the coach. “What’s seven times six?”

  The player wrinkled his forehead and thought for a while, then replied, “Forty-two!”

  Immediately all the other team members shouted, “Aw, come on, coach. Give him another chance!”

  • FELICITY ROONEY

  My parents attended our son Ryan’s soccer game one night. After the game, my dad was tickling Ryan when the lad looked up and warned him, “Don’t forget, Grandpa, Mom says if you wind me up, you have to take me home.”

  • DEBORAH HUBER

  * * *

  If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there are men on base.

  • DAVE BARRY

  My son had gone to see a soccer match earlier in the day, and I made a special effort to avoid hearing the score so I could enjoy the match on TV later.

  As I settled down to watch it, my son joined me so he could see the goals again. One team scored early on in the game. “Right then,” said my son immediately afterwards. “I’m off to bed.”

  • D. JOLLY

  Hate to say it, but our high school football team isn’t very good. One day the coach spotted the marching band practicing on the field and told them to get off before they tore it up.

  “Can we march in the end zone?” asked a band member. “The team never uses that.”

  • D.A.

  Our seventeen-year-old daughter was going by bus to a soccer tournament in Delaware and she’d packed more baggage than Noah. As I was hauling it out of the trunk, I sarcastically remarked, “Oh, Erica, we forgot the kitchen sink!”

  Another father chimed in: “It’s okay. Ashley has one–they can share.”

  • ANDREW W. DENCS

  My thirteen-year-old son, Waylon, had been playing a lot of hockey games, and one Sunday we attended church before his next game. We knew Waylon had been on the rink too much when, at the end of the service, as we lined up to greet the pastor, he shook the pastor’s hand and said, “Good game.”

  • LORILL DURANT

  “When I was young my father and I played catch.”

  After not firing a gun for years, I visited a nearby pistol range. I was awful–couldn’t hit a thing. Turning to my friend, who was watching, I said, “I know it may be hard to believe, but I was on my school’s shooting team.”

  He asked, “What were you–the target?”

  • FRANK DAVIS

  My five-year-old nephew, Eric, went with his dad to see his first hockey game.

  Arriving home, he told his mom about the fight two players got into, and she asked why the men were fighting.

  Eric responded: “They fight because they don’t know how to play hockey!”

  • LISA KINGHAM

  We brought our hockey-crazy eighteen-month-old grandson to church at Easter. During the children’s focus, Joshua stayed with us and stood on the pew to see what was going on up front. The minister talked about Christ rising from the dead. He asked the children to raise their arms
and shout, “Hallelujah!” each time he said, “Christ is risen!”

  Joshua watched with interest the first time they went through this exercise. However, the second time the minister said, “Christ is risen!” Joshua, standing on the pew with arms raised high, yelled, “SCORES!”

  • JANE MCDONALD

  I thought my eight-year-old grandson was perhaps growing out of his timid stage when he arrived home from a hockey game announcing, “I got a penalty, Grandpa.”

  “What for?” I asked.

  “Too many men on the ice,” he replied.

  • ROBERT HORAN

  My six-year-old son, Austin, recently became interested in hockey cards, so I bought him a collector’s booklet and a starter set. While completing a page, he paused to ask me, “Dad, what were the New Jersey Devils called before they got their new jerseys?”

  • LEE GILES

  * * *

  The rules of football and the plot of The Godfather are the two most complicated things that every guy understands no matter how dumb he is.

  • JULIAN MCCULLOUGH

  Golf is a game in which you yell “fore,” shoot six, and write down five.

  PAUL HARVEY

  After collecting bugs with her two brothers all summer, I thought it would be a nice change for my six-year-old daughter to see a hockey game. Shortly after the game began, she asked what a penalty was.

  I told her a player was sent to the penalty box if he tripped another player. Caring for all those bugs must have still been on her mind because she then asked, “Daddy, do they cut holes in the lid of the box so the player can breathe?”

  • DANIEL RODRIGUE

  One day at the bank where I worked as a teller, an elderly gentleman presented me with a check; unfortunately, he had no ID. Keenly aware of the growing line behind him, he dug through his pockets to no avail. Suddenly his face lit up. He grinned and pointed to his head.