Reader's Digest Funny Family Jokes Read online

• ANONYMOUS

  Learning to use a voice-recognition computer program, I was excited about the prospect of finally being able to write more accurately than I type. First I read out loud to the computer for about an hour to train it to my voice, then I opened a clean page and dictated a nursery rhyme to see the magic.

  The computer recorded: “Murry fed a little clam, its fleas was bright and slow.”

  • CARRIE E. PITTS

  I realized the impact of computers on my young son one evening when there was a dramatic sunset. Pointing to the western sky, David said, “I wish we could click and save that.”

  • THERESA KLEIN

  The Internet is just a world passing notes around a classroom.

  JON STEWART

  THE JOY OF TEXTING

  NOT EVERYONE HAS MASTERED THE ART OF TEXTING. CASE IN POINT:

  MOM:

  Stop at dollar store on way home and get lunch maggots.

  ME:

  Lunch maggots?

  MOM:

  Baffles.

  MOM:

  Baggies.

  MOM:

  Ziploc lunch Baggies.

  MOM:

  Spell-check is not helping me.

  MOM:

  By the way, this is Dad.

  • FROM WHENPARENTSTEXT.COM

  I was preparing lunch for my granddaughter when the phone rang. “If you can answer one question,” a young man said, “you’ll win ten free dance lessons.”

  Before I could tell him I was not interested, he continued. “You’ll be a lucky winner if you can tell me what Alexander Graham Bell invented.”

  “I don’t know,” I replied dryly, trying to discourage him.

  “What are you holding in your hand right now?” he asked excitedly.

  “A bologna sandwich.”

  “Congratulations!” he shrieked. “And for having such a great sense of humor . . .”

  • LOLA CANTRELL

  A large outdoor thermometer I had sent my son in Florida hung by his pool. One day he and his wife were standing beside it discussing the temperature. Scott was comparing the Fahrenheit scale to the Celsius scale when suddenly his eight-year-old daughter interrupted.

  “Dad, is that what the F and the C on the thermometer stand for?”

  Told that was right, she said, “Gee, all this time I thought they meant Florida and Canada.”

  • JESSIE SNOW

  My fifty-something friend Nancy and I decided to introduce her mother to the magic of the Internet. Our first move was to access the popular “Ask Jeeves” site, and we told her it could answer any question she had.

  Nancy’s mother was very skeptical until Nancy said, “It’s true, Mom. Think of something to ask it.”

  As I sat with fingers poised over the keyboard, Nancy’s mother thought a minute, then responded, “How is Aunt Helen feeling?”

  • CATHERINE BURNES

  On one occasion while my niece Lupita was in preschool, in our eagerness to help her remember what it was she had learned during the week, my sister wrote the symbol “+” on a piece of paper and asked the girl: “What sign is this?”

  “It’s a plus,” she responded.

  “And what is it used for?” we asked.

  With an air of independence, she answered: “Well, it’s for turning up the volume on the television!”

  • MARTHA CUATECONTZI XOCHITIOTZI

  A father shows up at his daughter’s home and finds his son-in-law angrily packing his bags.

  “What’s wrong?” he asks.

  “I texted my wife that I was coming home today from my golfing trip. And what did I find when I walked through the door? Her making out with Joe Murphy! I’m leaving!”

  “Now, calm down,” says his father-in-law. “There must be a simple explanation. I’ll find out what happened.” Moments later, he reappears. “I told you there was a simple explanation, and there is,” he says. “She never got your text.”

  Some of my proudest moments have been when a website told me my password was “Very Strong.”

  @AARONFULLERTON

  I realized my little nephew will never know life without Facebook. He’ll never know what it’s like to go, “I wonder what happened to that guy Chris from high school?” and then just shrug his shoulders and move on.

  • COMEDIAN OPHIRA EISENBERG

  The Internet also makes it extraordinarily difficult for me to focus. One small break to look up exactly how almond milk is made, and four hours later I’m reading about the Donner Party and texting all my friends: “Did you guys know about the Donner Party and how messed up that was?”

  • MINDY KALING

  As my sister relaxed on the couch, her head comfortably leaning against the crook of her husband’s arm, her cell phone beeped. It was a text message from her husband: “Move.”

  • AMBER CARIKER

  As an assistant high-school track coach, I recorded the results of each home meet and made copies for all the coaches. But because our track shed did not have electricity, I had to use carbon paper. A freshman team member offered to help, and I showed her how to place the carbon paper shiny side down so that the image would transfer to the sheet beneath it.

  “What will they think of next?” she said in astonishment. “Pretty soon we won’t need copy machines anymore.”

  • BARBARA LOOMIS

  NO THOUGHT IS TOO RANDOM, NO GRIEVANCE TOO PETTY, TO KEEP US FROM ORGANIZING A GROUP. OUR FAVORITES:

  1. Students Against Backpacks with Wheels

  2. When I Was Your Age Pluto Was a Planet

  3. People Who Always Have to Spell Their Names for Other People

  4. No, I Don’t Care if I Die at 12 a.m., I Refuse to Pass On Your Chain Letter

  5. Friends Don’t Let Friends Wear Crocs

  6. I Secretly Want to Punch Slow-Walking People in the Back of the Head

  7. I Don’t Care if the Spider Is Not Hurting Anyone, I Want It Dead!

  8. I Am Fluent in Three Languages: English, Sarcasm, and Profanity

  9. I Will Carry 20 Grocery Bags So I Don’t Have to Make a Second Trip

  10. An Arbitrary Number of People Demanding That Some Sort of Action Be Taken

  A helicopter was flying toward Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft’s navigation and communications equipment. Due to the extreme haze that day, the pilot now had no way of determining the course to the airport. All he could make out was a tall building nearby, so he moved closer to it, quickly wrote out a large sign reading, “Where am I?” and held it in the chopper’s window.

  Responding quickly, the people in the building penned a large sign of their own. It read: “You are in a helicopter.”

  The pilot smiled, and within minutes he landed safely at the airport. After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked how the sign helped him determine their position.

  “I knew it had to be the Microsoft building,” the pilot replied, “because like any computer company’s help staff, they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer.”

  • LINDA A. TOZER

  Sitting at the kitchen table, I idly picked up a pack of cards and laid out a hand of solitaire, a game that I hadn’t played in quite a while. My ten-year-old son came by and stopped to admire what I had done.

  “Wow!” Zackary said. “You know how to play that without a computer!”

  • SARAH NEVILLE

  * * *

  I just set my e-mail’s auto-response to “I’m looking into this now. I’ll let you know.” I literally never have to respond to e-mails again.

  • @9TO5LIFE

  As a professor at Texas A&M, I taught during the day and did research at night. I would usually take a break around nine, however, calling up the strategy game Warcraft on the Internet and playing with an online team.

  One night I was paired with a veteran of the game who was a master strategist. With him at the helm, our troops crushed opponent after opponent, and after six games we were undefeated
. Suddenly, my fearless leader informed me his mom wanted him to go to bed.

  “How old are you?” I typed.

  “Twelve,” he replied. “How old are you?”

  Feeling my face redden, I answered, “Eight.”

  • TODD SAYRE, PH.D.

  “The attention span of a computer is only as long as its power cord.”

  AUTHOR UNKNOWN

  I was visiting a friend who could not find her cordless phone. After several minutes of searching, her young daughter said, “You know what they should invent? A phone that stays connected to its base so it never gets lost.”

  • MIRIAM SCOW

  A fellow is having computer problems at work, so he calls the IT department. A technician arrives and asks the man for his password.

  “My password is MickeyMinnieGoofyPlutoHueyDeweyLouieDonaldBerlin,” the fellow replies.

  “Why is it so long?” the technician asks.

  “Because,” the man replies, “I was told it had to be eight characters and a capital.”

  • PETER ROGERS

  Because Google is so popular, it’s conceited. Have you tried misspelling something lately? See the tone that it takes? “Um, did you mean . . . ?”

  • ARJ BARKER

  There’s a picture of Jesus that pops up on my computer screen if I leave it idle for ten minutes. It’s my screen savior.

  While gardening one afternoon, I observed two four-year-old girls pushing dolls’ prams. As they passed me, one said to the other, “I wish I had a real baby and not just a doll.”

  Her friend replied, “Have you tried the Internet?”

  • MANDY HOLTEN

  “Lord!” said an angel. “They have discovered the human genome code!”

  “Darn hackers!” Jesus exclaimed. “Now I’ll have to change the password.”

  • JOÃO PEDRO GOMES

  FRIEND #1:

  Are you visiting us tomorrow? Do you need directions?

  FRIEND #2:

  I’m all set. I have the address, a GPS, and a GPS override.

  FRIEND #1:

  What’s a GPS override?

  FRIEND #2:

  My wife.

  • BALASUBRAMANIAN VENKATARAMAN

  For their first anniversary, a man buys his young wife a cell phone. She is thrilled and listens eagerly as he explains all its features. The next day she is out shopping when the phone rings.

  “Hi, honey,” her husband says. “How do you like your new phone?”

  “Oh, I just love it!” she gushes. “It’s so cute and small–and your voice sounds so clear. But there’s just one thing I don’t understand.”

  “What’s that?”

  “How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?”

  • ORVILLE HINZ

  I’d been finding it frustratingly difficult to reach my satellite company by phone. Finally I got through at about 6:00 one morning.

  “Just how many people answer the phone there?” I asked the operator.

  “Hundreds,” she replied.

  I mouthed this information to my family, rolling my eyes.

  “Sure,” my eight-year-old said. “But they’ve only got one phone.”

  • CATHY ROUETTE

  We live in a society exquisitely dependent on science and technology, in which hardly anyone knows anything about science and technology.

  CARL SAGAN

  WHEREISTHESPACEBAR?

  Working on a cruise ship, I was demonstrating to a group of young passengers how the ship manages to stay level at sea. “Do you know what level means?” I asked my six- to eight-year-old charges.

  One boy replied immediately. “A level is something you need to pass in a video game to get to a harder screen.”

  • CHRISTINA L. AMOS

  I was in line to receive Communion one Sunday, when the cellphone of the woman ahead of me went off just as the priest was giving her a wafer. The woman stammered an apology as she fumbled with the phone, trying to turn it off. Without skipping a beat, the priest said, “Tell them we don’t do takeout.”

  • JENNIFER WHITCOMB

  A colleague at the airport found a cellphone in one of the boarding areas. She switched it on, hoping a caller would identify the owner. It rang and she answered, but there was no response. When it rang a second time, another woman employee answered it and the same thing happened. Moments later, a supervisor came by and picked up the ringing phone. “This is Bob, may I help you?”

  “Bob,” the bewildered woman caller finally replied. “Where is Bill, and who are those two women he is with?”

  • LAURA SPARKS

  Since my sixteen-year-old son recently received a prepaid cellphone as a gift, I’ve asked him to use it to call home if he’s out past his curfew. One Saturday while waiting up for him, I dozed off in front of the TV. Later, I woke to realize that there was no sign of him and no call. Irate, I punched in his number. When he answered I demanded, “Where are you, and why haven’t you bothered to phone?”

  “Dad,” he sleepily replied, “I’m upstairs in bed. I’ve been home for an hour.”

  • DON JENTLESON

  * * *

  Something very sad about the fact that I haven’t read Moby Dick, but I have read the Kindergarten Cop Wikipedia page.

  • AZIZ ANSARI

  Problems with my laptop required calling the dreaded company help line. The service rep, based in another country, did not speak English very well. So I tried to explain it as simply as possible:

  “I can’t get the computer to work.”

  “Ah, I see,” he responded. “You are unable to transport your computer to your place of employment.”

  • MARIANNE THOMPSON

  As we drove through the Appalachian Mountains in the Allegheny National Forest in Pennsylvania, every bend in the road brought a new vista of mountains and valleys. I was snapping photos from the car window, commenting on the view. Oblivious to it all, my teenage son and his friend were engrossed in a video game. I urged them to enjoy the beauty. Their heads swiveled in tandem as they regarded our surroundings. In unison they muttered, “Wow!” then turned back to their game.

  • NANCY RUTH

  My four-year-old grandson, Cole, was sounding out words to type into his entertainment gaming system.

  “Nama,” Cole asked me, “how do you spell ‘fur’?”

  “F-u-r” I said.

  “I know how to spell ‘Chris,’ ” he said. “I’m writing ‘Christopher.’ ”

  “Oh, let me see,” I said, then went over to look at what he had entered.

  On the screen was “Chris the Fur”!

  • ROSE BRADY

  HE SAID/

  SHE SAID

  “Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.”

  JIM CARREY

  THE LADY IS ALWAYS RIGHT

  My husband bought an exercise machine to help him shed a few pounds. He set it up in the basement but didn’t use it much, so he moved it to the bedroom. It gathered dust there, too, so he put it in the living room.

  Weeks later I asked how it was going. “I was right,” he said. “I do get more exercise now. Every time I close the drapes, I have to walk around the machine.”

  • PHYLLIS OLSON

  After Adam stayed out late a few nights, Eve became suspicious.

  “You’re running around with another woman–admit it!” she demanded.

  “What other woman?” Adam shot back. “You’re it!”

  That night, Adam was fast asleep when he was awakened by Eve poking him in the chest.

  “What are you doing?”

  “Counting your ribs.”

  • WILLIAM HALLIDAY

  A man says to a friend, “My wife is on a three-week diet.”

  “Oh, yeah? How much has she lost so far?” asks his pal.

  He replies, “Two weeks.”

  • SOURCE: FUNNY IN CANADA SURVEY

  Overheard at my garden-club meeting: “I never knew what compost was until I met my husband.�
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  • MARY HALLER

  After we had lunch with another couple, the women went shopping, and the men opted to go sailing. Bad decision–a storm blew in while we men were out on the water.

  Making matters worse, the tide had gone out, grounding the boat. We had to climb overboard and shove it back into deep water.

  As my friend stood there–ankles deep in muck, muscles straining against the weight of the boat, and rain pelting his face–he grinned broadly and with unmistakable sincerity said, “Sure beats shopping!”

  • BOB MEYERSON

  A woman had a dream. God appeared to her and said, “I’m going to grant you another 40 years, 8 months and 22 days of life.” Well, she woke up and she was too excited. And she thought, If that’s gonna happen, I’m gonna get a little bit of work done.

  So if you could nip it or tuck it, push it or pull it, she had it done. And, man, she was looking too good. So she decided she was going to take herself out for a night on the town. She was downtown walking across the street and a car ran a red light.

  Bam! Hit her, killed her dead.

  She woke up in heaven and said,

  “Now, God, I don’t understand this. You said you’d grant me another 40 years, 8 months and 22 days of life, and here I am standing before you. What’s up with that?”

  God looked at her and said, “I didn’t recognize you.”

  • TERRI ARNETT

  When my wife gets a little upset, sometimes a simple “Calm down” in a soothing voice is all it takes to get her a lot upset.

  @THENARDVARK

  I identify with football players because I know what it’s like to spend your whole life training for a large, jewel-encrusted ring.

  • COMIC SARAH BLODGETT

  For a romantic touch, I washed our sheets with lavender-scented detergent. When my husband got into bed, he sniffed. “What’s this?” he asked.