The Wonder Weeks Read online

  In this section, you’ll also find a diary section titled “Signs My Baby Is Growing Again.” Check off the signs you’ve noticed that indicate your baby is about to experience a big change.

  “The Magical Leap Forward” discusses the new abilities your baby will acquire during the current leap. In each case it’s like a new world opening up, full of observations she can make and skills she can acquire.

  In this section, you will find a diary section, “How My Baby Explores the New World,” which lists the skills that babies can develop once they have made this developmental leap. As you check off your baby’s skills on the lists, remember that no baby will do everything listed. Your baby may exhibit only a few of the listed skills at this time, and you may not see other skills until weeks or months later. How much your baby does is not important—your baby will choose the skills best suited to her at this time. Tastes differ, even among babies! As you mark or highlight your own baby’s preferences, you will discover what makes your baby unique.

  “What You Can Do to Help” gives you suggestions for games, activities, and toys appropriate to each stage of development which will increase your baby’s awareness and satisfaction—and enhance your playtime together.

  “After the Leap” lets you know when you can expect your baby to become more independent and cheerful again. This is likely to be a delightful time for parents and babies, when both can appreciate the newly acquired skills that equip the baby to learn about and enjoy her world.

  This book is designed to be picked up at any point in your baby’s first 20 months when you feel you need help understanding her current stage of development. You do not have to read it from cover to cover. If your baby is a little older, you can skip the earlier chapters.

  What This Book Offers You

  We hope that you will use this knowledge of your child’s developmental leaps to understand what he is going through, help him through the difficult times, and encourage him as he takes on the momentous task of growing into a toddler. Also, we hope that this book helps provide the following.

  Support in times of trouble. During the times that you have to cope with crying problems, it helps to know that you are not alone, that there is a reason for the crying, and that a fussy period never lasts more than a few weeks, and sometimes no longer than several days. This book tells you what other mothers experienced when their babies were the same age as yours. You will learn that all mothers struggle with feelings of anxiety, aggravation, and a whole range of other emotions. You will come to understand that these feelings are all part of the process, and that they will help your baby progress.

  Self-confidence. You will learn that you are capable of sensing your baby’s needs better than anyone else. You are the expert, the leading authority on your baby.

  Help in understanding your baby. This book will tell you what your baby endures during each fussy phase. It explains that he will be difficult when he’s on the verge of learning new skills, as the changes to his nervous system start to upset him. Once you understand this, you will be less concerned about and less resentful of his behavior. This knowledge will also give you more peace of mind and help you to help him through each of these fussy periods.

  Hints on how to help your baby play and learn. After each fussy period, your baby will be able to learn new skills. He will learn faster, more easily, and with more pleasure if you help him. This book will give you insight into what is preoccupying him at each age. On top of that, we supply a range of ideas for different games, activities, and toys so that you can choose those best suited to your baby.

  A unique account of your baby’s development. You can track your baby’s fussy phases and progress throughout the book and supplement it with your own notes, so that it charts your baby’s progress during the first 20 months of his life.

  We hope that you will use this knowledge of your child’s developmental leaps to understand what he is going through, help him through the difficult times, and encourage him as he takes on the momentous task of growing into a toddler. Also, we hope you will be able to share with him the joys and challenges of growing up.

  Most of all, we hope you will gain peace of mind and confidence in your ability to bring up your baby. We hope this book will be a reliable friend and an indispensable guide in the crucial first 20 months of your baby’s life.

  Leap alarm

  A mother sent us this letter:

  Dear Frans and Hetty,

  ... I always noticed that my baby was difficult for a few days before I realized that he was making a leap. I was irritated for a few days, but kept the feeling to myself until the proverbial straw broke the camel’s back. At that point, I became very angry with him sometimes, and my own reaction scared me. When this had happened three times, I wrote down all the leaps in my calendar. That way, I can read the next chapter in time for the next leap. It may seem crazy, but I think I can handle his difficult periods much better now. I know what will happen before it does. I won’t be surprised any more.

  Sincerely, Maribel

  To us, this was a very special letter. Maribel described what many mothers feel—their baby’s leaps can be overwhelming!

  This is why we developed the Leap Alarm. Using it is easy. Just enter your data (due date, not birth date!) at www.thewonderweeks.com. Each email will feature a short description of your baby’s imminent leap in mental development. And of course, this service is completely free!

  Chapter 1

  Growing Up:

  How Your Baby Does It

  One small step back and a

  giant leap forward

  Watching their babies grow is, for many parents, one of the most interesting and rewarding experiences of their lives. Parents love to record and celebrate the first time their babies sit up, crawl, say their first words, feed themselves, and a myriad of other precious “firsts.”

  But few parents stop to think about what’s happening in their babies’ minds that allows them to learn these skills when they do. We know that a baby’s perception of the world is growing and changing when she suddenly is able to play peek-a-boo or to recognize Grandma’s voice on the telephone. These moments are as remarkable as the first time she crawls, but even more mysterious because they involve things happening inside her brain that we cannot see. They’re proof that her brain is growing as rapidly as her chubby little body.

  But every parent discovers sooner or later that the first 20 months of life can be a bumpy road. While parents revel in their children’s development and share their joy as they discover the world around them, parents also find that at times baby joyfulness can suddenly turn to abject misery. A baby can seem as changeable as a spring day.

  At times, life with baby can be a very trying experience. Inexplicable crying bouts and fussy periods are likely to drive both mother and father to desperation, as they wonder what’s wrong with their little tyke and try every trick to soothe her or coax her to happiness, to no avail.

  Crying and Clinging Can Simply Mean He’s Growing

  For 35 years, we have been studying interactions between mothers and babies. We have documented—in objective observations, from personal records, and on videotape—the times at which mothers report their babies to be “difficult.” These difficult periods are usually accompanied by the three C’s: Clinginess, Crankiness, and Crying. We now know that they are the telltale signs of a period in which the child makes a major leap forward in his development.

  It is well known that a child’s physical growth progresses in what are commonly called “growth spurts.” A child’s mental development progresses in much the same way.

  Recent neurological studies on the growth and development of the brain support our observations of mother and baby interactions. Study of the physical events that accompany mental changes in the brain is still in its infancy. Yet, at six of the ten difficult ages we see take place in the first 20 months, major changes in the brain have been identified by other scientists. Each major change announ
ces a leap forward in mental development of the kind we are describing in this book. We expect that studies of other critical ages will eventually show similar results.

  It is hardly surprising, when you think of the number of changes that your baby has to go through in just the first 20 months of life, that he should occasionally feel out of sorts. Growing up is hard work!

  The Fussy Signs that Signal a Magical Leap Forward

  In this book, we outline the ten major developmental leaps that all babies go through in the first 20 months of their lives. Each leap allows your baby to assimilate information in a new way and use it to advance the skills she needs to grow, not just physically but also mentally, into a fully functioning, thinking adult.

  Each leap is invariably preceded by what we call a fussy phase or clingy period, in which the baby demands extra attention from her mother or other caregiver. The amazing and wonderful thing is that all babies go through these difficult periods at exactly the same time, give or take a week or two, during the first 20 months of their lives.

  These ten developmental leaps that infants undergo are not necessarily in sync with physical growth spurts, although they may occasionally coincide. Many of the common milestones for a baby’s first 20 months of development, such as cutting teeth, are also unrelated to these leaps in mental development.

  Milestones in mental development may, on the other hand, be reflected in physical progress, although they are by no means limited to that.

  Signs of a Leap

  Shortly before each leap, a sudden and extremely rapid change occurs within the baby. It’s a change in the nervous system, chiefly the brain, and it may be accompanied by some physical changes as well. In this book we call this a “big change.” Each big change brings the baby a new kind of perception and alters the way that she perceives the world. And each time a new kind of perception swamps your baby, it also brings the means of learning a new set of skills appropriate for that world. For instance, at approximately 8 weeks, the big change in the brain enables the baby to perceive simple patterns for the first time.

  During the initial period of disturbance that the big change always brings, you may already notice new behaviors emerging. Shortly thereafter, you most certainly will. In the 8-week example, your baby will suddenly show an interest in visible shapes, patterns, and structures, such as cans on a supermarket shelf or the slats on her crib. Physical developments may be seen as well. For example, she may start to gain some control over her body, since she now recognizes the way her arms and legs work in precise patterns and is able to control them. So, the big change alters the perception of sensations inside the baby’s body as well as outside it.

  The major sign of a big change is that the baby’s behavior takes an inexplicable turn for the worse. Sometimes it will seem as if your baby has become a changeling. You will notice a fussiness that wasn’t there in the previous weeks and often there will be bouts of crying that you are at a loss to explain. This is very worrisome, especially when you encounter it for the first time, but it is perfectly normal. When their babies become more difficult and demanding, many mothers wonder if their babies are becoming ill. Or they may feel annoyed, not understanding why their babies are suddenly so fussy and trying.

  The Timing of the Fussy Phases

  Babies all undergo these fussy phases at around the same ages. During the first 20 months of a baby’s life, there are ten developmental leaps with their corresponding fussy periods at onset. The fussy periods come at 5, 8, 12, 15, 23, 34, 42, 51, 60 and 71 weeks. The onsets may vary by a week or two, but you can be sure of their arrival.

  In this book, we confine ourselves to the developmental period from birth to just past the first year and a half of your baby’s life. This pattern does not end when your baby has become a toddler, however. Several more leaps have been documented throughout childhood, and even into the teenage years.

  The initial fussy phases your baby goes through as an infant do not last long. They can be as short as a few days—although they often seem longer to parents distressed over an infant’s inexplicable crying. The intervals between these early periods are also short—3 or 4 weeks, on average.

  Later, as the changes your infant undergoes become more complex, they take longer for her to assimilate and the fussy periods may last from 1 to 6 weeks. Every baby will be different, however. Some babies find change more distressing than others, and some changes will be more distressing than others. But every baby will be upset to some degree while these big changes are occurring in her life.

  Every big change is closely linked to changes in the developing infant’s nervous system, so nature’s timing for developmental leaps is actually calculated from the date of conception. In this book, we use the more conventional calculation of age from a baby’s birth date. Therefore, the ages given at which developmental leaps occur are calculated for full-term babies. If your baby was premature or very late, you should adjust the ages accordingly. For example, if your baby was born 2 weeks late, her first fussy phase will probably occur 2 weeks earlier than we show here. If she was 4 weeks early, it will occur 4 weeks later. Remember to make allowances for this with each of the ten developmental leaps.

  * * *

  * * *

  Not a Single Baby Gets Away

  All babies experience fussy periods when big changes in their development occur. Usually calm, easygoing babies will react to these changes just as much as more difficult, temperamental babies do. But not surprisingly, temperamental babies will have more difficulty in dealing with them than their calmer counterparts. Mothers of “difficult” babies will also have a harder time as their babies already require more attention and will demand even more when they have to cope with these big changes. These babies will have the greatest need for mommy, the most conflict with their mothers, and the largest appetite for learning.

  The Magical Leap Forward

  To the baby, these big changes always come as a shock, as they turn the familiar world he has come to know inside out. If you stop to think about this, it makes perfect sense. Just imagine what it would be like to wake up and find yourself on a strange planet where everything was different from the one you were used to. What would you do?

  You wouldn’t want to calmly eat or take a long nap. Neither does your baby.

  All she wants is to cling tightly to someone she feels safe with. To make matters more challenging for you and your baby, each developmental leap is different. Each gives the baby a new kind of perception that allows him to learn a new set of skills that belong to the new developmental world— skills he could not possibly have learned at an earlier age, no matter how much encouragement you gave him.

  We will describe the perceptual changes your baby undergoes in each developmental leap, as well as the new skills that then become available to him. You will notice that each world builds upon the foundations of the previous one. In each new world, your baby can make lots of new discoveries. Some skills he discovers will be completely new, while others will be an improvement on skills he acquired earlier.

  No two babies are exactly the same. Each baby has his own preferences, temperament, and physical characteristics, and these will lead him to select things in this new world that he, personally, finds interesting. Where one baby will quickly sample everything, another will be captivated by one special skill. These differences are what makes babies unique. If you watch, you will see your baby’s unique personality emerging as he grows.

  What You Can Do to Help

  You are the person your baby knows best. She trusts you more and has known you longer than anyone else. When her world has been turned inside out, she will be completely bewildered. She will cry, sometimes incessantly, and she will like nothing better than to be simply carried in your arms all day long. As she gets older, she will do anything to stay near you. Sometimes she will cling to you and hold on for dear life. She may want to be treated like a tiny baby again. These are all signs that she is in need of comfort and secur
ity. This is her way of feeling safe. You could say that she is returning to home base, clinging to mommy.

  When your baby suddenly becomes fussy, you may feel worried or even irritated by her troublesome behavior. You will want to know what’s wrong with her, and you will wish that she would become her old self again. Your natural reaction will be to watch her even more closely. It’s then that you are likely to discover that she knows much more than you thought. You may notice that she’s attempting to do things you have never seen her do before. It may dawn on you that your baby is changing, although your baby has known it for some time already.

  Quality Time: An Unnatural Whim

  When a baby is allowed to decide for himself when and what sort of attention he prefers, you’ll notice this differs from one week to the next. When a big change occurs within a baby he will go through the following phases.

  A need to cling to mommy

  A need to play and learn new skills with mommy

  A need to play on his own.

  Because of this, planned playtimes are unnatural. If you want your baby’s undivided attention, you have to play when it suits him. It is impossible to plan having fun with a baby. In fact, he may not even appreciate your attention at the time you had set aside for “quality time.” Gratifying, tender, and funny moments simply happen with babies.

  As her mother, you are in the best position to give your baby things that she can handle and to meet her needs. If you respond to what your baby is trying to tell you, you will help her progress. Obviously, your baby may enjoy certain games, activities, and toys that you, personally, find less appealing, while you may enjoy others that she does not like at all. Don’t forget that mothers are unique, too. You can also encourage her if she loses interest or wants to give up too easily. With your help, she will find the whole play-and-learn process more challenging and fun, too.