Inbox Full of Crazy Read online

  I’m really fascinated by the combination of anger and anticipation in these messages. I’m a damned bot, they’re sure of it, but just in case they're wrong, we should meet tonight. The bot baiters rarely offer any description of themselves or enticements other than the implication they have a pulse. Instead, they assume I should be so relieved to find an actual human survivor in the post-apocalyptic hellscape of online dating that I’ll rush eagerly into their arms and start practicing our species repopulation plan before dawn.

  Telling a bot "NO BOTS!" won't stop them from sending you links to porn sites, but it will stop actual human women from replying to you.

  It's fascinating. Their (understandable) hatred for the dating bots puts some guys on the defensive. All their messages read like this."Look, I just proved I'm human. Now it's up to you to impress me or I'm just going to call you more demeaning names" The thing is, real, live human women get dozens of messages every day (more if they're under 25 or especially hot). If the only things you have to say are that you have a pulse and you don't trust women, why should anyone bother to reply to you? Your first message needs to be enticing, not generically offensive.

  The next time you’re pissed at all the sexy pictures sent by those evil bots, go write a long, rambling, hate filled email to an understanding single guy friend. Spill all your bile to a sympathetic audience. Once you’re drained, come back, find something you liked in the alleged girl’s profile, and write a couple original sentences. If you can’t stop yourself from making bot references, at least limit them to asking if she’s ever heard of Skynet. But really, guys, if you're going to bother taking a chance that she might be a human being, treat her like one.

  ~*~

  Hello, your ad interests me. Trust me, I am a better than average wordsmith; but I am over 50--too old??? I like to meet you. response gets my pic. Not into wasting time typing about myself until you reply to confirm you are a real person. Hope you understand.

  ~*~

  Hi. I was just browsing thru and noticed your profile you had up while I was at work. I am very interested in possibly meeting you, hopefully tonight. I wanted to send this first to make sure that its an actual person and not some retarded bot or something. If you are an actual person than make sure to contact me back and we can definately do this thing! Please contact me back at [email removed] before I leave work today. I get off at 5 p.m. Then hoepfully we can make arrangements for later. Look forward to hearing from you! If you're real. If you’re not rot in hell bot.

  ~*~

  I have some free time. I would love to treat you to a meal. Please prove you are real. I hate bots.

  ~*~

  Any interest in going to skiing at Perfect North (near Cincinnati) ?? I'm nice/nice looking, fit, professional type, 40's. My typing is really slow, so I'll wait to see of you are real and not a damn bot before going further.

  ~*~

  I've just seen your add on site. I was really impressed!!!

  Seems we have lots to discuss))

  I'm 30y.o.

  If you want to meet me (may be even in reality) please write more about you and, of course, send lots more pics!!!

  There are so much fake ads on web, so i can't send my pics first (but I really want!) Are you real? No bots!!!.

  Waiting for your reply. Kissing you, darling))

  ~*~

  Hey there.... one BIG question... are you REAL???

  TONS of fakes.... im a single guy looking for HER.... may you be HER??? Thatd be nice!!!

  Hit me back and we'll talk soon....

  ~*~

  Hi there!!! My name is John. How are you doing today? Good I hope. Well I read your ad and was intrigued by it so I am responding. Unfortunately because of the number of fake ads I am not going to write a lot about myself right now because I don't want to take the time to write something funny or witty and personal only to have a response of "here, go to my website". Sad isn't it? But hey, if you are reading this and want to know more about me then write me back and tell me some more about you and I'll respond and tell you all you want to know about me. Here is hoping you are real. :0)

  ~*~

  Hi darling...I am quite interested in your Ad. My name is John. Since most every ad on here seems to be some sex/porn site spam, I'll ask you to reply to this message with "John" in the subject line so I know you are legitimate and not computer generated. That is if you are at all Interested...I have attached a pic and would like to see more of yours in return. I'm 26, white male. I'm athletic, and am very engaged in the outdoors world. I work as a Fireman. I love my work. I'm a little old fashioned meets contemporary class. I consider myself quite the gentleman and undoubtedly a hopless romantic. I like to ballroom dance, cook, clean, and I love snuggling. I am not sure what you are into or looking for specifically for that matter. But if my qualities and description are suitable, please reply as requested above and we can take it from here. No bots.

  ~*~

  I just wanted to make sure that this is real and not a robot. Sorry, no disrespect to you just all the bs spam that comes from Match.

  Btw my name is John and I am 35. Will tell you more once we establish that this is real and sorry again

  ~*~

  2 good 2 be tru? ur ad = very nice, very sexy, very prolly written by a bot. im sorry that is a compliment. u could be a russian porn spam or phone sex site or mail order bride because you are 2 good 2 be tru. prove me wrong. don’t be a bot. i don’t believe it. i believe ur a spam acount made to trick men into thinking women they want really exist but that is not the truth. unless it is. what do you say, prolly bot girl?

  ~*~

  NOT WASTING MY TIME ON WRITEING IF YOUR NOT A COMPUTER PLEASE E MAIL BACK

  ~*~

  I don't meet your age qaulifications but I love my grandsons and they will tell you I am thir hero, I am not sure exactly what to say on here either. I don't have a respectable profile onmatch.com yet, just this account, however I am completly ashamed by slumming it up. I am still unsure if you are a bot or not. I guess if you respond to this e-mail with a request for me to log onto random site to get your number I will know. If you come to my house and attack, well I have "How to Survive a Robot Uprising" so you might be suprised by my ability to escape you and survive. Although from your great interest of the organ in my head you sound more like a zombie then a robot. Anyways "one fast move or I'm gone" and the next is yours right? Unless you are really a robot. I hate bots. Don’t kill me for that if the Terminators come but if you are really a russian mafia or nigerian prince i have nothing and no money and no home to rob so delete me from you’re mailing list.

  WWJD...With His Cock?

  I grew up in the buckle of the bible belt. Oral Roberts University offered pretty much all graduating high school students in Tulsa a full tuition scholarship so long as the women agreed to wear only modest blouses and skirts that went below the knee and all students agreed to a total ban on interracial dating.

  That last part is a little tricky. No matter what your apparent race, everyone in Oklahoma is part Indian. Hell, even people whose grandparents moved here from India jump in on it. Sure, they’ll tell you, gramps came from Mumbai, but Mom’s granddad was 1/4 Chocktaw. Just look at this nose!

  I digress. It’s hard not to when a married guy who loves Jesus and blowjobs and wants more of both in his life just replied to my online dating profile. In a weird way, these are my favorite bizarro world emails. They’re so earnest!

  Read on, my friends, and learn what quality churchgoers say to a nice Jewish girl.

  ~*~

  Looking for a holy ghost filled, blood bought woman.

  ~*~

  I want more pics of you first............I know what ilook like how bout a long ride on my bike......chicken wings and beer in the park......shoot a bunch of shit at knob creek...and the rest of the night raising hell at my club......you bring nice clothes sleep at my place and we go to church together sunday.

  ~*~

  lets see more p
ics milf and conversate boo im young(24) but confident in my looks and swagg and love of god

  ~*~

  40 yr old man, currently married but in process of gettin that taken care of. i am very honest, love god and jesus the lamb son of mary. decent looking at least from what ive een told anyways, i am very sexual, like to give and recieve oral, enjoy teasing with toys and enjoy watching a woman explode with multiple orgasms and do whatever it takes for my partner to get the most satisfying experience possible, yes i am for real, hoping to find a nice, grounded woman with real boobs no fakes has the same likes, dislikes, who would like to get to know one another for fest day or oaks. party with the wife cant get out of it derby sucks lol not as much as you suck on what i got for you oaks night. must love christ.

  ~*~

  I love Christ the son of God our savior in heaven! I have been blessed wtih many ways to make a righteous woman explode with joy and love. Take me into your life and be revealed! white or asian only, under 30, must be height weight proportionate. You are full of virtue yet eager to show her love to a man in all the ways God gives a woman!!

  ~*~

  Washed in the blood of Christ! Am telling ya! If you would just get to know me...I am absolutely positive I am the person you are searching so much for....your sensual...I am not being judgemental here...would hope you are not and give this a chance....are you afraid of finding the one that could fulfill?

  ~*~

  I'm a Bibliophile - very avid reader....currently and for the 4th time reading...Sermon on the Mount.

  Very spiritual believer in God but not religious.

  While I believe I am a very spiritual person and I do my very best in WWJD. I am a very sexual creature; not numbers of people but do dream of finding one to explore with, many, many fantasies. I am open minded this way. Not an addict or anything but I do have a complex and vivid imagination. I am not a player and no one at current. Haven't found the right one yet. Maybe you? I do not judge another's thoughts and appreciate her feelings.

  I am intelligent but love acting silly and doing silly things, like bouncing on trampolines. I never seem to be accurately profiled, constantly evolving, changing but ever faithful to the ones I love.

  ~*~

  Howdy,

  Well, I am in the army...not by a happy choice, but neccssity to get trained for a new job and not have to pay for it....

  I work out a lot, but am not buff or anything like that. I love oldschool role playing games. I love to read about religion and philosophy, actually went to Bible College and God is the rock in my life. Need a good woman something bad.Like the pic, but I can't really see your face in it, do you have a more normal one that i can see?. How weird are you? Really freaky or someone I can take home to mom

  ~*~

  You need to be tamed. I have a couple young boys that are with me about 50% of the time. I prefer traditional roles in a relationship - I can lead if someone wants to follow (most women these days do not) - just being honest - one of my faults or positives depending on your view. I have opinions that you do not agree with - but you must be willing to at least let me express my opinion - its a mutual respect thing. I am one with Christ and you must convert to the one true way if we start to date. You must be willing to lose wait. Your sloth is a sin. Once you give yourself to Christ and submit to your man you will learn discipline and not want to eat into a grave anymore.

  ~*~

  Just read you ad. what i am looking for is to meet someone that i can give a nice massage to, then give some nice oral sex after your satisfied i will leave. please let me know...want to do this tonight. please dont stop and pray in the middle because that makes me sad ...thanks

  ~*~

  i love 3 things....jesus blowjobs my son...need a godfearing woman to swallow a load.....how wides your mouth and how often do you pray?

  ~*~

  i'm kindof shy honest christian man got a sense of humor like to watch movies play games like guitar hero on wii xbox 360

  what do you like to do for fun i would send you a pic but its like too big to send though your ad so if you give me email i can show you it i would like to see a pic of you btw

  want a relationshiup, not something casual, but must be serious ahnd marriage minded, very sensual. No sinners.

  ~*~

  I'm looking for a woman that has let the light of Christ into her life who will open to me and be full of love not willfull and disobedient. I know your place and will put you on a pedastal but you must know how to obey and how to pleasure me. Sex is a gift from the Almighty. You must share your gift only with me or I will not spare the rodand spoil you. I know how to spoil you right if you are loyal to me and to Christ our savior.

  ~*~

  I need a woman bathed in the blood of Christ our savior! No kinky shit. Nothing on your period.Want to meet tues or thurs after 8.

  Green Card Bait

  Not all Nigerian scammers want to anonymously milk you of your life savings. Some of them want to do it up close and in person.

  Listen, ladies. I have a secret. If you're really looking for your own How Stella Got Her Groove Back situation, there are men 10-20 years your junior without an ounce of fat on their bodies who are looking to get married right now. You can take your pick.

  Okay, sure, they're only in it for a Green Card and will almost certainly rob you blind once you get them into the US and provide them with the sweet, sexy documentation they crave, but hey, for a short time you'll have your own exotic younger man desperate to please. It worked for Stella. Wait, it turned out the man she married was actually gay and tried to steal her entire life's savings. Well if you're a risk taker, have your own income, and can hear your ovaries sighing in resignation as they crank out your last fertile eggs, I assure you there are men willing to marry you this coming Tuesday.

  You don't mind if his sister comes to visit? Her English is a little rusty, so don't be upset when she confuses the words for sister and wife, then cries as she shows you her baby. And it's totally okay if his mother lives with you, right? She'll be a built in babysitter. Honest, darling. As a married couple, you should also share your social security number, bank account number, and all computer passwords. It says so in the Bible.

  Interestingly, these guys are almost the exact opposite of the Bot Baiters. They really want to tell you appealing things about themselves so you'll reply. Being the open minded scammers they are, they're eager to let you know they couldn't care less about your age, weight, or the fact that you're actually a talking cabbage given a hellish quazi-life by the Illuminati so long as you have an American birth certificate and are legally single.

  ~*~

  when a read your post a was like she is the one I have been longing for.. its really grab my attention

  I am an african male wit brown eye and kinda skinny. I live by myself, have two jobs and my own car. I am a smoke,drug,drink and disease free. I want to go back to school and get my atleast master oneday. I love playing soccer,music,running, comedy and kids.

  I have been in many relation and countless dates, but it seems that there is no chemistry between me and the women a part wit, cus some of them get no plan for the future, some lazy and others get some attitude which is not cool.

  I really respect and care for women as much as I can, I am looking for someone whom I can be with and maybe something more in the future.

  So if you interested in knowing more about me you can contact me

  ~*~

  Thank GOD she is the one I have been longing for!. I am an african male. I respect, care n love women as much as I can. my age is kinda young that a know but am really mature in mind and know want it meant when people said they serious. I plan to live happily in the future and really want to be well educated. I am looking 4 someone of your kind, I not here for buddy calling but instead a longterm, serious relation that can possiblly end up in getting marry. age, race or colour is not important . I cannt tell all want I want to say in this message but if you feel like you looking f
or the same thing you just hit me at my phone. there I wil tell you more about me and were you can see my pics...

  ~*~

  hey a jas go tro ya blog n was like woow.. she is da angel I have been longing for. Am a african male, somke, drink n drug free. Am a man who know wat women waqnts n ready to give it when dem ask for it. A really care for women n put love n respect before anything, a support women to da best I can... but a need a long term relation, serious n marry to U if possible. Age is jus a number so jus act like a mature person dats all a need. hit me anytyme

  ~*~

  I want to get married ASAP!!!!

  hi my name is John i would to get married with a nice funny hard working girl i prefer ONLY WHITE OR LATINA thank you....i like to travel to different cities in the US :) i have a nice and stable job in the bank as a financial analyst . im independent , i live alone in an apartment in queens if u are interested email me :) hope see you soon..