Inbox Full of Crazy Read online

  Inbox Full of Crazy

  by Chris-Rachael Oseland

  Copyright 2012

  Kindle Edition

  Table of Contents

  Introduction

  Hookup, Stat!

  Bot Baiting

  WWJD...With His Cock?

  Green Card Bait

  Pity the Fool

  Persistent Polyamorists

  I Blame Viagra

  Pretty Girls

  Knock You Up

  It's Not Innuendo

  Randomly Weird

  Pick Up Artist Openers

  The Good Ones: Responses to my "Evil Lair" Challenge

  The Good Ones: Best of Zombies

  Introduction

  Believe it or not, I've had great luck with online dating.

  Reading books like mine can be crazily disheartening. I don't want women to come away from this book thinking that if they have to choose between a batch of nutters or becoming a crazy cat lady, it's time for a membership card at their local pet store. I actually met two very nice ex-boyfriends through online dating services, one of whom just took time off during his workday to help me with some serious computer issues. When I thanked him profusely, he reminded me that's what friends do for each other. You really can meet some great people online.

  In fact, most of the people you'll meet online are just like you - a little rusty at dating, nervous to the point of nausea, and desperately hoping that you'll be The One so they don't have to go on any more of these damn internet dates.

  Most of my first contact messages are pretty tame. They're either some variation of, "Hi! I noticed we like the same band/movie/tv show. Want to meet over coffee and find out if we have anything else in common?" or "S'up? I need to fuck and you're in luck. Hit this."

  I actually reward every complete, grammatically correct sentence that doesn't include a reference to your preferred sexual position with a thorough perusal of the guy's profile. Sometimes I don't write him back because it's clear he's a hardcore fundamentalist Republican and as a flaming liberal I know we won't be compatible. Other times it's something more subtle, like guys who come across as angry at the world or guys who constantly belittle themselves and everyone they know. And let's be honest - sometimes I just don't like a guy's picture. I do my best to reply to the rest of them.

  The guys you're about to meet here are the exceptions.

  Get ready for over 200 real messages from real men. These come from four different dating sites in four different states. The one thing they have in common is an extra dash of crazy sauce.

  Gentlemen, when you wonder why women don't respond to your messages, keep in mind this is what you're fighting. Every woman with an online dating profile hears from some of these crazy guys. It doesn't matter how old she is or what she looks like. I'm sure if Janet Reno was on OK Cupid she'd get messages from men who want to know if she swallows. If she was on Match.com she'd be flooded with pictures of penises and guys asking if she and Joycelyn Elders are up for a threeway. Who am I to judge? Maybe she's into that. (For those of you who are wondering who the hell I'm talking about, Reno and Elders were big, powerful, outspoken political appointees when I was in school. I'll never forget finding out an actual honest to God Surgeon General of the United States said masturbation was the best way for a girl to keep her abstinence pledge, and I'll never forget her being fired for daring to give that real world advice.) The real point is it takes a strong sense of humor for a woman to stick around an online dating site for more than a couple months.

  I've stuck it out for four years, on four sites, in four cities. When you move around that much, online dating is awesome. From the first day I arrived in town, online dating gave me an excuse to get out of the house, try new restaurants, and meet new people. Some of those first dates turned into boyfriends. If I hadn't moved around so much I'm sure I'd be in a cheerful domestic partnership by now. Since my career did drag me around, I can say online dating has been really good to me. On a bad day, it's an unending source of batshitty anecdotes to toss around at Meetups. On a good day, it's the source of a fun date.

  Some of you are going to read these messages and ask what the hell I said to provoke such craziness. I sympathize, I really do, but the sad truth is there's actually nothing exceptional about this confidential peek into my inbox. We ladies talk (remember that the next time you send a picture of your cock - especially if it's so small you can barely see the head past a curly mass of grey pubes.) I know for a fact that any woman who isn't on a site like ChristianMingle is destined to find some of these gems in her inbox. I've enjoyed a lot of wine while playing inbox show-and-tell with girlfriends. If you discover the same message copied and pasted from the same guy, you're required by law to do shots.

  Now, in the spirit of full disclosure - I am a geek. There are ample pictures of me out there dressed in zombie, pirate, steampunk, Renn Faire, Star Trek, and whatever other cosplay amused me this week. Some of my profile descriptions reveled in it, exhorting men to share their favorite zombie apocalypse survival strategy or tell me their favorite thing about Nikola Tesla. Other times I've tried to hide it, and my profiles were full of nothing nerdier than lists of favorite restaurants, neatest caves where I'd gone spelunking, and an admission that I can't solve a problem, I find it really meditative to get on the highway, clear my mind, and just drive

  It doesn't make a difference.

  Both my geeky and mundane profiles get an equal number of eyebrow raising replies, at about the same rate. What changes is the quality of my first dates.

  The guys I meet through the non-geeky profiles usually have a good sense of humor and are honestly fascinated to have coffee with a woman who likes science fiction. To my surprise, they're generally a lot more respectful and open minded than the geeky guys. However, no matter how nice they are the first time we meet, I've never had more than three dates with a mundane guy.

  The geeky guys, on the other hand, are a lot more likely to turn coffee into a frothy, screaming assault. I've had countless conversations with guys who say building my own computer from parts, an encyclopedic knowledge of Dune, and a closet full of cosplay don't qualify me as a geek because I don't like Star Wars. (Sorry, gents. I'm not a princess or a prostitute. Or, in the case of Leia, a princess who part timed it as a prostitute. Lucas made it damn clear there's no place for me in his universe.) I once met a guy angrily, screamingly passionate that real geeks appreciated the Six Million Dollar Man and the rest of us were fucking posers. When compared to the mundanes, a geek date is a lot more likely to leave despairing for the future of the human race.

  The bad geek dates are really bad, but, at the opposite end of the extreme, the good geek dates are real keepers. I keep giving geeks a chance because every guy I've met online who made it to the 4th date had a profile just as geeky as mine. It's worth wading through ten complete nutters to find one charming geek.

  The moral of this story is that success in online dating requires patience, persistence, and a sense of humor. Don't give up after your first bad date. (Especially if you're newly divorced or broken up. It takes time to re-learn how to interact in a dating environment.) You have to kiss a lot of frogs, but eventually, you'll meet your prince. Or, in my case, your Fremen imperial heir intent on living 4000 years before he finally transforms into a giant sandworm. Once you find him, the two of you will have a great time laughing at your own inbox full of crazy.

  Meanwhile, I humbly share mine.

  The biggest theme you'll find is that a lot of these guys assume all women with dating profiles are actually apprentice prostitutes who have to put in a minimum of 500 free work hours before they get their hooker license. It's a nice fantasy, guys, but most of the women you meet aren't
looking for no strings attached anonymous sex with a total stranger. If that's what you're looking for, you'll have a lot better time finding it on sites like FetLife, AdultFriendFinder or Ashley Madison, where the explicit goal is to find someone with compatible kinks who needs to get laid ASAP. Sure, the male to female ratio on the NSA hookup sites is daunting, but the few women there are looking for the same thing you are. You just have to prove you're more worthy than the other 900 cock shots and desperate pleas for sex each actual woman has received since lunch.

  Most of the women on more mainstream sites like Match.com or OK Cupid are actually looking for someone to date - you know, that stuff you do with a woman when you're both fully dressed and out in public. If you find access to nooky isn't worth that tremendous burden, you frankly shouldn't be on dating sites to begin with. Invest the money you would've spent on a bunch of disappointing dinners into one rewarding evening with a friendly prostitute.

  The messages you're about to read come from men in Austin, Chicago, Louisville, and St. Louis. I've removed all names, phone numbers, places of work, and any blatantly identifying characteristics. Other than that, these missives are exactly what the guys sent me. Remember that when you're marveling over the spelling.

  Hookup, Stat!

  Nowhere in my online personals do I mention “I will die in the next 12 hours if I’m not fucked senseless by a total stranger. Save me now!” Somehow, though, a stunning number of men confuse "I'm happy to meet in a public place where we can each sip a glass of wine,” with “Let's rent a hotel room today and fuck over my lunch hour! Or just do me in your supply closet if you’re short on time.” Most of them include phone numbers.

  The internet has taught me it doesn’t matter if you’re a pizza delivery boy or upper management at a downtown multi-national firm - men want to get laid at work, so much so that this is what they're typing away at when pretending to look studiously busy.

  I can’t imagine who would say yes to a maximum 20 minute lunch time hookup with a total stranger. Oh, wait. Yes I can. Those women are called prostitutes. Call them. Set up your “lunch date.” Leave the rest of the internet alone.

  Based on what guys write, you may be surprised to learn my dating profiles all inform men that I find good grammar sexy. I also mention that my pesky high standards exclude married men. None of this matters. Surely their horny pleas will move me to make an exception, just this once.

  I honestly marvel at their assumptions. What about "lived in Germany for 14 great months and really enjoyed traveling Europe by train" makes you think I'm into electroshock kink? Why do you think that a professional writer would want to be silently molested in a supply closet? For that matter, why would any woman want to blow you in the supply closet in exchange for all the pens and paperclips she can smuggle out in her purse? C'mon, guys. The economy isn't that bad. At least offer a girl some coupons for a McDonald's value meal.

  Keeping that in mind, behold the classy men you too could spend quality time with if you act now!

  ~*~

  Hi sexy, looks like we r looking for the same thing. I was thinking about u n I get a room this afternoon n making out real good... I love lots of kisses, rub your body n sexy kinky stuff. I'm married 30 d/d free clean n u must be too. NSA please not looking for more then 1 time thing. I'll not pay for sex but I'll guaranty u a good fuck :). Drop me a line if u interested with a picture.

  ~*~

  I love what you said. I guess you could say I am slumming on here. What you put on there caught my eye. I have never done this before, so i really don't know what to do from here. It has to be NSA, b/c I am married, for a # of years. I have too much too lose at this point. But in saying all that, I am bored. I have been begging for something fun for a long time. Same ol same ol makes Jack a very dull boy. Let's meet for lunch today then have fun for dessert.

  ~*~

  I bet your into kink huh? Sure......... I can do that.

  You into that electroshock shit or what? Let me know......

  Hit me before 4..........I can make you scream after work.

  ~*~

  can stimulate your desires. Call me before 11. I have a 45 min lunch so we have to be fast

  ~*~

  I cn pump your mouth pussy ass full of cum. i get 30 mm lunch can blow a wad in all 3 holes in 20 still hve time to get back not late. i good for Tu or Th i’m redy to go.

  ~*~

  I have a fantasy. All those tv shows where people accidentall bump in the office supply closet. She bends over to get paperclips. He trips. His hands go to her hips. For balance. He pulls her too him. In my fantsy she doesn’t scream. she pulls up her skirt instead. He hooks his finger around her thong and pulls it to one side. she lets him. It’s over fast. thy don’t want to get caught by the boss. If this is your fantasy too I can make it hppen at [Multinational Health Insurance Company]. My lunch is 1-1:45 every day. wnt to make this a reality this week.

  ~*~

  can’t eat ur pussy at lunch. boss would smell it on me. u can blow me. no one would know. Call me before 11. u can blow me over lunch. i won’t look if u want to fill ur pockets in the supply closet before u go but dont let security see u or else u have to blow them to and probably get arrested. if ur into that our security guards r ripped.

  ~*~

  Workin late. Wife thinks I go to Hooters after work and pat the not-really-strippers on the ass while I wait for traffic to die down. I stay at the office. It’s empty here. Call me before 4. I can buzz you in. We both kill some time during rush hour. You a screamer? You can be here. No one will hear. No neighbors or kids. Be as loud as you like. I can make you scream. I send you home with a smile on your face. Call me.

  ~*~

  I beat my meat for lunch every day. Bad boy. Lets skip the main course and go straight to pie for dessert. Tasty girl. I work up north. Text me before 11. Lets make this happen today!!!!!!!

  ~*~

  Hello,

  I am new to town and plan to stay here till Thursday. I’m staying about 9 miles from the airport. I’m 40 years old. Descent good looking athletic build, cool and fun to be with. I read your profile and I was blown away by how well you explained yourself. I’m hoping that you are truly a fun woman to be with because I love to play. Though I’m a professional I’m a naturally down to earth type of guy with no issues or attitudes just like good conversation and of course good times.

  Most men loose that fun and playful attitude as they get older, but for me I have the heart of a young man and lots of energy to get the fullest out of life. I like discovering a woman from the inside out but after seeing how pretty you are I’m going to have to discover you from the outside in.

  Do you like to play sensuous games? Do you like a man that masters foreplay? Do you need a man that knows exactly how to please a woman? If so I’m a man that wants to make you pur like a kitten and at the same time make you feel like the most important woman in the world. So if you’re longing to find a man that can satisfy you both emotionally and sexually, then I just might be the man you’re looking for.

  Don’t waste your time with all the weirdo’s out there just call me or ask for my room number at the front desk and just drop on by.

  ~*~

  it takes some a while to understand that the beauty and passion of a woman is what is between her ears and not her thighs.. it's one thing to bring her pleasure but a whole nother thing, to make her hunger

  ~*~

  WELL THIS IS JOHN, SO BRING ON THAT HOT BODY LADY? LET'S C WHAT U GOT ,4 THE EVENING OVER DINNER& DANCING?-----LOL-CAIO!

  ~*~

  Hi. Monday night I would like some company we can go have something to drink and get to know one another, then get some dinner, then come back to my place. Maybe you can show me around. I really don't know what type of guy you looking for I'm a nice guy and knows how to treat a lady with respect. I say there is alot of guys that probaly gonna say the right things to you but I will treat you with respect and we can have a nice evening. I don't have any pi
ctures on here since this is my first time on this site. If I catch your eye I can send you one from my cell phone. I been told my a few women that I am handsome looking guy. So if you like get back with me and we can set something up for Monday.

  Bot Baiting

  My Roomba and I have a deal. I change its filters, empty its collection bin, and make sure it has all the delicious electricity it can eat. In exchange, when the Robot Apocalypse comes it’ll make sure I’m one of the last people crushed under the stainless steel treads of our future masters.

  Knowing I’m properly prepared for my inevitable robotic oppression, imagine how distressing it is when I receive messages accusing me of not only being a robot sympathizer, but actually being a secret robot agent here to seduce unknowing flesh and blood men.

  Let me assure you, if I’d been sent here from the future to kill Sarah Connor I wouldn’t fill my empty hours going to dinner with a balding middle school English teacher from St. Louis. I’d be living it up in Dubai, conducting first hand research into the full extent of 21st century decadence. It might take me years.

  Sadly, I’m not a bot.

  Gentlemen, I know you hear from a frightful number of bots. Even my Roomba agrees that it is downright disturbing just how badly those dating site bots want to sex you up and suck you off. But guys, really, if you're optimistic enough to reply to an ad in the first place, why not stay positive and assume the lady you're taking time to contact is actually a real flesh and blood person? No woman likes to be told that your first impression is she’s a lifeless automaton designed to milk you of your money. Take a chance. Leave that part out.