Laugh Yourself Healthy Read online

  Pumping iron

  My grandfather worked in a blacksmith shop when he was a boy, and he used to tell me how he had toughened himself up so he could stand the rigors of blacksmithing.

  He said he would stand outside the house and, with a five-pound potato sack in each hand, extend his arms straight out to his sides and hold them there as long as he could. He did this religiously for three weeks.

  After a while he tried ten-pound potato sacks, then fifty-pound potato sacks, and finally he got to where he could lift a one-hundred-pound potato sack in each hand and hold his arms straight out for a full minute! He never missed a day and performed this exercise in the hottest weather. He was determined to be the best blacksmith in the country.

  Eventually, he started putting potatoes in the sacks.

  Hopeless

  “It’s no good, sir,” said the hopeless pupil to his English teacher. “I try to learn, but everything you say goes in both ears and out the other.”

  “Goes in both ears and out the other?” asked the puzzled teacher. “But you have only two ears, boy.”

  “You see, sir? I’m no good at math either.”

  Flight plans

  On a plane bound for New York, the flight attendant approached a beautiful blonde sitting in the first class section and requested that she move to coach since she did not have a first class ticket. The blonde replied, “I’m young, I’m beautiful, I’m going to New York, and I’m not moving.”

  Not wanting to argue with a customer, the flight attendant asked the copilot to speak with her. He went to talk to the woman, asking her to please move out of the first class section.

  Again, the blonde replied, “I’m young, I’m beautiful, I’m going to New York, and I’m not moving.”

  The copilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what he should do.

  The captain went to the first class section and whispered in the lady’s ear. She immediately jumped up and ran to the coach’s section mumbling to herself, “Why didn’t you just say so?”

  Surprised, the flight attendant and the copilot asked what he said to her that finally convinced her to move from her seat.

  He said, “I told her the first class section wasn’t going to New York.”

  More flight plans

  It was a young blonde’s first plane trip. She boarded the aircraft and found her a window seat in the nonsmoking section and settled in.

  A man came over and insisted that she was in his seat. She told him to go away.

  “OK,” replied the man. “If that’s the way you want it, you fly the plane.”

  LOGIC 101

  1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

  2. On the other hand, the French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

  3. Conclusion: Eat what you like. It’s speaking English that’s killing you.

  Logic quiz

  “It’s time to see how clearly you can think,” the teacher said to his class.

  “Now, listen carefully, and think about what I’m saying. I’m thinking of a person who has the same mother and father as I have. But this person is not my brother or sister. Who is it?”

  The kids in the class furrowed their brows, scratched their heads, and otherwise showed how hard they were thinking. But no one came up with the right answer.

  When everyone in the class had given up, the teacher announced, “The person is me.”

  Little Jeffrey beamed at learning the answer. “That’s a good one,” he said to himself. “I’ll have to try that on Mom and Dad while we’re eating dinner tonight.”

  That night little Jeffrey repeated the riddle to his parents. “I’m thinking of a person who has the same mother and father that I have,” he said. “But this person isn’t my brother or sister. Who is it?”

  His parents furrowed their brows, scratched their heads, and otherwise pretended they were thinking hard. After a while they both looked up at Jeffrey and said, “We give up. Who is it?”

  “It’s my teacher!” Jeffrey shouted.

  How can you live without knowing these things?

  • Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than for • the U.S. Treasury.

  • Coca-Cola was originally green.

  • 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

  • If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.

  • Hershey’s Kisses are called that because the machine that makes them looks like it’s kissing the conveyor belt.

  Q: What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common?

  A: They were all invented by women.

  Common sense

  A monastery in Europe is perched high on a cliff several hundred feet in the air. The only way to reach the monastery is to be suspended in a basket, which is pulled to the top by several monks who pull and tug with all their strength. Obviously, one ride up the steep cliff is terrifying. One tourist got exceedingly nervous about halfway up as he noticed that the rope by which he was suspended was old and frayed. With a trembling voice he asked the monk who was riding with him in the basket how often they changed the rope.

  The monk responded brusquely, “Whenever it breaks.”

  Mathematical puzzle

  Think of a number.

  Multiply it by 3.

  Now add 5.

  Take away the number you first thought of.

  Now add 7.

  Subtract 4.

  Add back the number you first thought of.

  Now close your eyes.

  Dark, isn’t it?

  Correct pronunciation

  A man and his wife were driving their RV across country and were nearing a town called Kissimmee. They noted the strange spelling and tried to figure out how to pronounce it—Kiss-a-me, Kis-sa-me, Kis-sa-mee. They grew more perplexed as they drove into town. Since they were hungry, they pulled into a place to get something to eat. At the counter, the man said to the waitress, “My wife and I can’t seem to be able to figure out how to pronounce this place. Will you tell me where we are and say it very slowly so I can understand?”

  The waitress looked at him and said, “Buuuurrrrrgerrr Kiiinnnng.”

  A cold winter coming

  During the first part of autumn, the Indians asked their chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild. Not really knowing the answer, the chief replied that the winter was going to be very cold and that the members of the village were to collect wood to be prepared.

  Being a good leader, he then called the National Weather Service and asked, “Is this winter going to be cold?”

  The man on the phone responded, “Yes, this winter will be quite cold indeed.”

  Hearing that, the chief went back to speed up his people in their efforts of collecting wood so that they would be prepared for the coming season.

  A week later he again called the National Weather Service and asked, “Is it going to be a cold winter?”

  “Yes,” the man replied, “it’s going to be a very cold winter.”

  The chief went back to his people and ordered them to keep collecting wood.

  Two weeks later he again called the National Weather Service to get evidence for their prediction. “On what do you predict such a cold winter?” he asked.

  “Our evidence is indisputable,” answered the meteorologist. “The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy!”

  Following directions

  Billy Joe came to work looking sheepish and embarrassed. His friend Jim finally pried the problem out of him. Billy Joe explained, “I received a party invitation for last night, and it plainly said, ‘Black tie only.’ But when I got there, everyone else was wearing suits to
o!”

  Needing just a little sleep

  A man had been driving all night and by morning was still far from his destination. He decided to stop at the next city he came to and park somewhere quiet so he could get an hour or two of sleep.

  The quiet place he chose happened to be on one of the city’s major jogging routes. No sooner had he settled back to snooze than there came a knocking on his window. He looked out and saw a jogger running in place.

  “Excuse me, sir,” the jogger said. “Do you have the time?”

  The man looked at the car clock and answered, “8:15.”

  “Thanks,” responded the jogger as he jogged off.

  The man settled down again, and soon another jogger tapped on the window. “Excuse me, sir. Do you have the time?”

  “8:25,” answered the man.

  The jogger said thanks as he left. Now the man could see other joggers passing by, and he knew it was only a matter of time before another one disturbed him.

  To avoid the problem, he got out a pen and paper and put a sign in the window saying, “I do not know the time!”

  Once again he settled back to sleep. He was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window.

  “Sir! Sir! It’s 8:45.”

  A student was asked if he knew what Roe v. Wade was about. He answered that he thought it was the decision George Washington had to make when he decided to cross the Delaware.

  Groaner

  A musician who joined an orchestra on a cruise ship was having a terrible time keeping time with the rest of the band. Finally, the bandleader said, “Look, either you learn to keep time, or I’ll throw you overboard. It’s up to you—sync or swim.”

  The secret of life

  Mike and Ernie were constant companions. Mike was a calm, laid-back individual who never complained. Ernie was very nervous and a constant complainer. One day Ernie said to Mike, “Mike, how do you manage to get along with everyone?”

  “Oh, I just never disagree with anybody.”

  “Mike, you’re a liar!” exclaimed Ernie.

  “I know it.”

  Get yo’ momma

  A family from the hills was visiting the city and was in a mall for the first time in their lives. The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped.

  They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

  “Pa,” asked the boy, “what’s that?”

  The father, never having seen an elevator, responded, “Son, I dunno. I ain’t never seen anything like that in my entire life. I ain’t got no idear.”

  While the boy and his father were watching in amazement, an old lady walked up to the moving walls and pressed a button.

  The walls opened, and the lady walked between them into a small room. The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially.

  They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light up in reverse order. Then the walls opened up again, and a gorgeous, voluptuous woman who looked to be in her twenties stepped out.

  The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, “Boy, go git yo’ momma!”

  A man mentioned to his landlord about the tenants in the apartment over his apartment. “Many a night they stomp on the floor and shout until midnight.”

  When the landlord asked if it bothered him, he replied, “Not really. I usually stay up and practice my trumpet until about that time most every night anyway.”

  Just checking

  The shipwrecked mariner had spent several years on a deserted island. Then one morning he was thrilled to see a ship offshore and a smaller vessel pulling out toward him. When the boat grounded on the beach, the officer in charge handed the marooned sailor a bundle of newspapers and told him, “With the captain’s compliments. He said to read through these and let us know if you still want to be rescued.”

  YUPPETTE JOKES

  Why did the yuppette stare at the can of frozen orange juice? Because it said concentrate.

  Why do yuppettes always smile during lightning storms? They think their picture is being taken.

  The yuppette and the truck driver

  A yuppette had just gotten a new sports car and was out for a drive when she accidentally cut off a truck driver who had been driving for hours. He motioned her to pull over. When she did, he got out of the truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket. He drew a circle on the side of the road and commanded the yuppette, “Stand in that circle and don’t move!”

  He opened her car doors and cut up her leather seats. When he turned around, she had a little grin on her face. Infuriated, he said, “Oh, you think that’s funny? Watch this!”

  He got a baseball bat out of his truck and broke every window in her car. When he turned and looked at her, she began to giggle. He was really mad now and proceeded to slash all her tires. Now she began laughing out loud.

  The truck driver was really starting to lose it. He went to his truck and got a can of gas, poured it on her car and set it on fire. He turned around, and she was doubled over with tears running down her cheeks.

  Enraged now, the truck driver screamed, “You’re crazy! What’s so funny?”

  Through fits of laughter, the yuppette replied, “Every time you weren’t looking, I stepped outside the circle!”

  Following the directions

  A young yuppette was sick and tired of all those yuppette stories and how all yuppettes were perceived to be shallow and dumb. She made up her mind that she would show her new husband that she was really smart.

  One day while he was at work, she purchased a can of paint and decided to paint the living room.

  Her husband arrived home at 5:30 and smelled the distinctive odor of paint. He walked into the living room and found his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He observed that she was wearing a ski jacket as well as a fur coat.

  He went over to ask if she was OK. She acknowledged that she was. He then asked what she was doing.

  She replied that she had set out to prove to him that not all yuppettes were dumb, and to do so, she had elected to paint the living room.

  He then asked why she was wearing both a ski jacket and a fur coat. Her response was that she read the directions on the paint can, and they said, “For best results, put on two coats.”

  Two girls were being observed in a parking lot. They were working with a coat hanger and a locked Mercedes. Soon the first girl said, “Hurry up! It’s starting to rain, and the top is down!”

  An inexpensive pair of shoes

  A young yuppette was on vacation in the back-country of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but she was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the “no haggle” attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the yuppette shouted, “Maybe I’ll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!”

  The shopkeeper responded, “By all means, be my guest. Maybe you’ll luck out and catch yourself a big one!” Determined, the yuppette headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.

  Later in the day the shopkeeper was driving home when he spotted the young woman standing deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then she saw a huge, nine-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She took aim and killed the creature and, with a great deal of effort, hauled it up on the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures.

  The shopkeeper watched in amazement. Just then the yuppette flipped the alligator on its back and, frustrated, shouted out, “This one isn’t wearing any shoes either!”

  WORTH THE PRICE?

  HE: I got this great new hearing aid the other day.

  SHE: Are you wearing it now?

  HE: Yes. Cost me four thousand dollars, but it�
�s top of the line.

  SHE: What kind is it?

  HE: Twelve-thirty.

  Jimmy and Johnny, panting and pulling on their tandem bicycle, finally reached the top of a long, steep hill.

  “Whew!” gasped Jimmy. “What a climb!”

  “Sure was!” agreed Johnny. “If I hadn’t kept the brake on, we’d have gone down backward.”

  Too much salt

  A young military pilot spent six years in a Soviet salt mine after being shot down. One evening after his release, he was parked on Lover’s Lane with his girlfriend. His girlfriend asked him what he thought about while he was in prison for six years, hoping it was she.

  Without a pause, the young pilot startled her with his reply, “Pepper!”

  Boasting

  In San Jose, Costa Rica, there is a huge hospital covering two blocks. One day a cab driver picked up three passengers at the San Jose airport. The first one, from New York, bragged about how Yankee Stadium was built in less than two years.

  The second, from Rome, spoke up and boasted that the Colosseum was built by slave labor in only ten months.

  The third, a Texan, was not to be outdone. “Why, they built the Astrodome in six months.”

  About this time, they passed the huge hospital. “What is that building?” one asked.

  “I don’t know,” answered the cab driver. “It wasn’t there this morning.”

  During a history lesson, the teacher asked a student, “Stevie, do you believe that George Washington could have pitched a dollar across the Potomac River as the saying goes?”

  The student looked up and quickly answered, “I guess so. Our history book says he pitched his camp across the Delaware River when the British were pursuing him.”

  A businessman called with a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him that he needed a visa.

  “Oh, no, I don’t. I’ve been to China many times and never had to have one of those,” he responded.

  I double-checked, and, sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he replied, “Look, I’ve been to China four times, and every time they have accepted my American Express card.”