Laugh Yourself Healthy Read online

  A fellow was found with a rope around his wrist, strung from a light fixture. His buddy cut him loose and said, “What do you think you are doing?”

  “I’m committing suicide.”

  “You’d have to put the rope around your neck if you really wanted to commit suicide!”

  “I already tried that, and it was choking me.”

  SHORT STORIES

  A woman motorist was driving along a country road when she noticed a couple of repairmen climbing telephone poles. “Fools!” she exclaimed. “They must think I have never driven a car before!”

  More funny stories

  A college dean was berating a veteran economics professor for having used the same tests for the past thirty-five years. “Don’t you realize, professor, that the students have been sharing these tests for decades and that all of your students know exactly what’s on the test before they sit for it?”

  “Doesn’t matter,” replied the professor. “I just keep changing the answers.”

  Short and funny

  “That is Black Mountain?”

  “Yes, sir, highest mountain around Lake George.”

  “Any story or legend connected with that mountain?”

  “Lots of them. Two lovers once went up that mountain and never came down again.”

  “Indeed! Why, what became of them?”

  “Went down the other side.”

  QUICKIES

  A man asked, “Do these stairs take you to the third floor?” The other person said, “No, you have to walk!”

  A customer said to the salesman, “I want to try on that suit in the window.”

  The salesman said, “Oh, sir, we couldn’t allow that. You have to use the dressing room like everyone else.”

  Recently, a woman went through three lights in a row. They were on the truck in front of her!

  Quick observations

  In 1920 the United States Post Office ruled that children could not be sent by parcel post. Makes you wonder what was going on before that ruling!

  A friend of mine hates M&Ms because they are so hard to peel.

  Thinking about life

  Confucius say: To make egg roll, push it.

  Why?

  Why is the third hand on a watch called a second hand?

  An accountant was having a hard time sleeping, so he went to see his doctor. “Doctor, I just can’t get to sleep at night.”

  “Have you tried counting sheep?”

  “That’s the problem—I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it!”

  “With a car like that, my advice is to keep it moving,” instructed the mechanic to the concerned owner.

  “Why?” asked the owner.

  “If you ever stop, the cops will think it’s an accident.”

  two

  LOVE AND MARRIAGE

  FINDING THE RIGHT ONE

  Men and dogs

  What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?

  The same urges that make dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

  City slicker

  My wife and I went to a “dude ranch” in Texas. The cowboy preparing the horses asked if she wanted a Western or English saddle, and she asked what the difference was.

  When he told her one had a horn and one didn’t, she replied, “The one without the horn is fine. I don’t expect we’ll run into too much traffic.”

  MAN, with hands over the eyes of the woman: If you can’t guess who it is in three guesses, I’m going to kiss you.

  WOMAN: Jack Frost, Santa Claus, and Christopher Columbus.

  A feminist walked into a bar that had a sign marked, “For Men Only.”

  “I’m sorry, ma’am,” said the bartender. “We only serve men in this place.”

  “Great!” she said, “I’ll take two of them.”

  Stressing the importance of a large vocabulary, the English teacher told the class, “Use a word ten times, and it will be yours for life.”

  In the back of the room a pert young lady closed her eyes and was heard chanting under her breath: “Charles, Charles, Charles, Charles, Charles, Charles, Charles, Charles, Charles, Charles.”

  A young man was attempting to worm his way into the affections of a beautiful young lady. “I don’t have as much as Bill Gates,” he said. “I don’t have expensive houses or cars like Bill Gates. I can’t afford to buy you fancy diamonds and pearls like Bill Gates. But I love you.”

  The young lady said, “That’s nice. Now tell me more about this Bill Gates.”

  HEADING DOWN THE AISLE

  A man and a woman are standing at a cocktail party when the woman remarked, “You know, you look like my third husband.”

  “How many times have you been married?” asked the man.

  “Twice!” replied the lady.

  All in the family

  Alicia was very impressed with her boyfriend’s loving parents.

  “They’re so thoughtful,” Alicia said one night to Michael. “Why, I’ve noticed that your dad even brings your mom a cup of hot coffee in bed every morning.”

  After a time, Alicia and Michael were engaged and then married.

  On the way from the wedding to the reception, Alicia again remarked on Michael’s loving parents and even mentioned the coffee in bed.

  “Tell me,” she said, “does it run in the family?”

  “It sure does,” replied Michael. “I take after my mother.”

  Polygamy

  A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his older cousin asked him, “Do you know how many women a man can marry?”

  “Sixteen,” the boy responded.

  His cousin was amazed that he offered an answer so quickly.

  “How do you figure that?”

  “Easy,” the little boy said. “All you have to do is add it up, like the preacher said: ‘Four better, four worse, four richer, four poorer.’”

  Weddings

  Little Mary was at her first wedding and gaped at the entire ceremony. When it was over, she asked her mother, “Why did the lady change her mind?”

  Her mother asked, “What do you mean?”

  “Well, she went down the aisle with one man and came back with another one.”

  Quieting those nosy aunts

  Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking at me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, “You’re next!”

  They stopped doing that after I started doing the same thing to them— at funerals!

  Marriage

  Two women were discussing marriage, and one said, “My husband and I have been married twenty-five years, and every night my husband has complained about the food. We’ve had not one night without complaining about the food.”

  The other woman said, “That’s awful. Doesn’t it bother you?”

  The first one said, “Not in the slightest.”

  Said the other woman, “You must be a saint.”

  To which the first woman replied, “No. Why should I object? Many people don’t like the food they cook.”

  And the good news

  A young woman brought her fiancé home to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother told her husband to find out about the young man. So the young woman’s father took the young man into his study to discuss things “man to man.”

  “So, what are your plans, young man?” asked her father.

  “I am a Bible scholar,” the young man replied.

  “A Bible scholar. Hmm,” the father said, “admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house and life for my daughter?”

  “I will study,” the young man replied. “God will provide for us.”

  “And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring such as she deserves?” asked the father.

  “I will concentrate on my studies,” the young man answered. “God will provide for us.”

  “And children?” asked the father. “How will you support children?”

  “Don’t worry, si
r. God will provide,” replied the fiancé.

  The conversation proceeded like this for quite an amount of time. Every time the father asked a question, the young man always replied with, “God will provide.”

  Later, after the young man had left, the mother asked her husband, “How did it go?”

  The father answered, “He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I’m God.”

  Happy father of the bride

  All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom. Then the beautiful bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand.

  That surprised the father so much that he dropped the object. He had not expected her to give him anything at the front of the church.

  Ripples of laughter waved through the sanctuary as the guests watched as he bent down and picked up his credit card.

  STARTING LIFE TOGETHER

  Modern times

  A recent bride called her mother one evening in tears. “Oh, Mom, I tried to make Grandmother’s meat loaf for dinner tonight, and it turned out just awful. I followed the recipe exactly, and I know I have the recipe right because it’s the one you gave me. But it just didn’t come out right, and I’m so upset. I wanted this to be so special. What could I have done wrong?”

  Her mother replied soothingly, “Well, dear, let’s go through the recipe. You read it out loud and tell me exactly what you did at each step, and together we’ll figure it out.”

  “OK,” the bride sniffled. “Well, it starts out, ‘Take fifty cents worth of ground beef.’”

  NEW BRIDE: I fixed your favorite dessert for you tonight—coconut pudding. Wait until you see it.

  NEW GROOM: Wow! That’s great! But what’s that big lump in the middle?

  NEW BRIDE: That’s the coconut.

  Two can live as cheaply as one—for half as long.

  Debugging

  A couple honeymooned at the Watergate Hotel in Washington DC. The bride was concerned that the room was bugged, but the groom said, “Don’t worry. I’ll check.” So he looked behind the drapes, behind the pictures, and under the rug. There he found a disc with four screws; he unscrewed them and threw them and the disc out the window. The next morning, the hotel manager asked, “How was your stay? How was your room? How was the service?”

  “Why all these questions?” asked the groom.

  “Well,” explained the manager, “the people in the room under you complained of the chandelier falling on them.”

  A newly married couple returned from their honeymoon. As they got off the plane at the crowded airport, the bride said, “Darling, let’s make the people think that we have been married a long time.”

  “OK, dear,” said the husband. “You carry the bags.”

  Who’s in control?

  A husband was advised by a psychiatrist to assert himself. “You don’t have to let your wife henpeck you. Go home and show her you are the boss,” advised the psychiatrist.

  Of course, the husband took the doctor’s advice. He hopped in his car and rushed home. There he slammed the door, shook his fist in his wife’s face, and growled, “Woman, from now on, you’re taking orders from me. I want my supper right now, and when you get it on the table, go upstairs and lay out my best clothes. I’m going out with the boys, and you are going to stay at home where you belong. And here’s another thing. Do you know who’s going to comb my hair, adjust my pants, and then tie my bow tie?”

  “I certainly do,” said the wife calmly without even looking up. “The undertaker.”

  Male/female

  Being silent is good. Others think you are listening.

  A dangerous slip

  “Well,” said Eric, “I ran afoul of one of those questions women ask. Now I’m in deep trouble at home.”

  “What kind of question?” asked Tom.

  “My wife asked me if I would still love her if she was old, fat, and ugly.”

  “That’s easy,” said Tom. “You just say, ‘Of course I will.’”

  “Yeah, that’s easy for you to say. What I said was, ‘Of course I do’!”

  “Your Honor, my wife is just being ridiculous. Most women would love to have a husband who still believes in chivalry, and I was only opening the door for her out of chivalry.”

  “Mr. Smith,” replied the judge, “I am granting the divorce. I cannot believe chivalry was your motivation while driving sixty-five miles per hour.”

  Pain relief

  A man entered a drug store and asked the pharmacist for a cure for the hiccups. The pharmacist immediately reached out and slapped him across the face.

  “What’d you do that for?” asked the man angrily.

  “Well, you don’t have the hiccups anymore, do you?”

  “No,” replied the man, “but my wife out in the car still does!”

  Never satisfied

  A prisoner escaped from the local prison. His escape was the lead news item on the six o’clock news, and all stations kept interrupting their programming to report on the hunt.

  Because of the high level of hunting, the prisoner was forced to work his way home slowly by taking side streets and dark alleys.

  Finally he crept up to his house and rang the doorbell. His wife immediately opened the door and greeted him with, “Where have you been? You escaped six hours ago!”

  Answer

  One evening, a wife drew her husband’s attention to the couple next door. She took him out on the porch so he could see what they were doing. Pointing across the yard, she said, “Do you see that couple? How devoted they are? He kisses her every time they meet. I notice that he often brings home flowers or dinner. Why don’t you ever do that?”

  “I would love to,” replied the husband amiably and smoothly, “but I don’t know her well enough.”

  A tramp knocked on the door of the inn known as St. George and the Dragon. The landlady answered the door.

  The tramp said, “Could you give a poor man something to eat?”

  “No,” said the woman, slamming the door in his face.

  He knocked again and said, “Could I have a few words with George?”

  But you could have

  A husband and wife were traveling and stopped at a very exclusive hotel to rest for a while. They slept for four hours, then decided to leave and travel on. When they checked out, the desk clerk handed them a bill for $350.

  The man exploded and demanded to know why the charge was so high. He demanded to see the manager.

  The manager appeared, listened to the man, and then explained that the hotel had an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference room that was available for their use.

  “But we didn’t use them,” protested the man.

  “Well, they are here, and you could have,” said the manager. He went on to explain that they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel was famous.

  “But we didn’t go to any shows,” argued the man.

  “Well, we have them, and you could have,” repeated the manager.

  No matter what facility the manager mentioned, the man replied, “But we didn’t use it!” Eventually the man realized he was going to have to pay, so he wrote a check.

  “But, sir,” the manager said, “this check is only for $100.”

  “That’s right. I charged you for kissing my wife.”

  “But I didn’t!”

  “Well,” the man replied with a wry smile, “she was here, and you could have.”

  Hurt feelings

  At the fair, Marge loved the Ferris wheel, but Fred didn’t, so Marge went by herself. The wheel went round and round. Suddenly there was an accident, and the wife was thrown out. She landed in a heap at her husband’s feet. He ran over and asked, “Are you hurt?”

  “Of course, I’m hurt!”

  “Tell me, is there anything broken?” he asked anxiously.

  “No, nothing’s broken.”

  “Then how are you hurt?”


  With tears in her eyes she blurted, “I went around three whole times, and you didn’t wave to me once!”

  O what a tangled web

  One evening, a man drove his secretary home after she had worked late at the office. Although this was an innocent gesture, he did not mention it to his wife because he knew her jealous nature.

  Later that night the man and his wife were driving out to dinner. Suddenly he noticed a high-heeled shoe half hidden under the passenger seat. Not wanting to be conspicuous, he waited until his wife was looking out her window before he scooped up the shoe and tossed it out of the car.

  With a sigh of relief, he pulled into the restaurant parking lot. That’s when he noticed his wife squirming around in her seat.

  “Honey,” she asked, “have you seen my other shoe?”

  SQUIRMS OF ENDEARMENT

  I was invited to some old friends’ home for dinner.

  The husband preceded every request to his wife with an endearing term, such as “honey,” “darling,” “sweetheart,” “pumpkin,” etc.

  I was impressed since the couple had been married almost seventy years.

  While the wife was off in the kitchen, I said to my older friend, “I think it’s wonderful that, after all these years you’ve been married, you still call your wife those pet names.”

  My friend hung his head. “To tell you the truth,” he said, “I forgot her first name about ten years ago.”

  Dave

  A man walked out into the street and managed to get a taxi that was just going by. He got into the taxi, and the cabby said, “Perfect timing; you’re just like Dave.”

  “Who?”

  “Dave Bronson. There’s a guy who did everything right. Like my coming along when you needed a cab . . . it would have happened like that to Dave.”

  “There are always a few clouds over everybody,” the man replied.

  “Not Dave. He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star.”