The Royle Family – Scripts Series 2 Read online

  Antony:

  Shut it. You’re doing my head in, you lot.

  Barbara:

  Leave him. You don’t know that.

  Jim:

  Ey, I wouldn’t have that, Antony lad.

  Antony:

  It’s just a mate of hers.

  Dave:

  Oh aye. He’ll be in the cinema with her now with a big box of popcorn on his lap with a hole cut in t’bottom, offering her some. Know what I’m saying?

  Antony:

  You mean like you did with Beverly Macca?

  Denise:

  Mam! Why does he always have to bring Beverly Macca into it? Just ‘cause he’s being two-timed.

  Antony:

  She’s not two-timing me, they’re just mates.

  Jim:

  She might not wanna be tied down. She might wanna play the field. Stick in there, son. You’ve got no qualifications, absolutely no prospects, but you never know – this other fella might be a right loser.

  Antony:

  Right. That’s it. I’m going to Darren’s.

  ANTONY GETS UP AND GOES. AWKWARD SILENCE FOR FORTY SECONDS OR SO.

  Dave:

  What’s up with him?

  Barbara:

  What did you have to go and say that for, Jim? You know he’s not got much confidence.

  Jim:

  Well, she’s taking him for a ride. I don’t know why he’s bloody bothering with her.

  Denise:

  But you haven’t even met her.

  Jim:

  Well, I may as well tell him straight now, before he starts spending a load of money on her before she dumps him.

  Barbara:

  That’s all everything ever boils down to for you, Jim, innit? Money. That’s all you ever think about.

  Denise:

  Dad, you were dead tight on Antony then.

  Jim:

  Who was singing ‘Torn Between Two Bloody Lovers’?

  Denise:

  As a joke. Poor Antony, he looked dead upset, didn’t he? (PAUSE) Hey, Dave, what would you do if I went to the pictures with a fella who was just a friend?

  Dave:

  Don’t know.

  Denise:

  But would you be mad?

  Dave:

  Don’t know.

  Denise:

  You would though, wouldn’t you?

  Dave:

  I don’t know.

  Denise:

  You would.

  Dave:

  I don’t know, do I? You’ve not been, have you? And you’re not gonna do, are you? Bloody ‘ell.

  Denise:

  Dave! Can’t you try and be a bit more possessive? He’s hopeless, him, isn’t he?

  Barbara:

  They’re all the same, love. They’re all over you until you marry ‘em.

  Denise:

  Yeah.

  Barbara:

  Poor Antony.

  PAUSE.

  Dave:

  He really likes Emma, don’t he?

  Jim:

  (FEELING GUILTY) Oh, give over, will you – he’s a young bloody lad. I’m not concerned about his lovelife – I’m more concerned about him getting a bloody job. That’s what we should be worrying about. He’s not tipping up enough, is he. It’s wrong. The only bloody person who works in this house is your mother.

  BIG PAUSE.

  Barbara:

  Ooh Jim, Joe’s got his date for the hospital. Oh, that’s just broken my dream. I had a dream that Joe was pulling a caravan all on his own. Cheryl and Mary were inside and Joe was pulling it like a big shirehorse. I wonder what that means.

  Jim:

  It means you’re bloody mad. It’s no wonder Joe’s going into hospital pulling Cheryl and her mam about. Bloody ‘ell, he must be knackered.

  Barbara:

  Ooh, I was looking everywhere for Jim to go and help him.

  Denise:

  D’you know what I keep dreaming about? Aeros and Twixes.

  Jim:

  I’ve been having a weird one of them, you know. I keep dreaming that I’m strangling an old woman with an eye-patch.

  Denise:

  Do you know who is a dead, dead heavy sleeper?

  Barbara:

  Who?

  Denise:

  Him. Dave, aren’t you? Nothing wakes him.

  Barbara:

  I can’t sleep at night, me. He’s asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow. He’d fall asleep on a washing line. Do you know Denise, last night I could hear your nana snoring in your old room, and your dad snoring next to me. (PAUSE) And the other night, your dad frightened me to death. He sat bolt upright in the middle of the night all of a sudden.

  Denise:

  Was he dreaming?

  Barbara:

  No, he thought he’d left the immersion on.

  Denise:

  (LAUGHS): You know when I’m alseep? Is the baby asleep as well do you think?

  Barbara:

  Ooh.

  Jim:

  No, it’s awake more than that, love.

  NANA GIVES A LITTLE SNORE.

  Jim:

  Ey, Dave.

  Dave:

  Yeah?

  Jim:

  Can you bring the car round on Sunday to take Norma back, I mean, er, I don’t like the idea of her on the bus with her eye-patch. It doesn’t seem right.

  Dave:

  Yeah, no bother. What time d’you want me round?

  Barbara:

  Don’t worry about it, Dave – to be honest I think she’ll need to stay another week.

  Jim:

  Another bloody week! Over my dead body.

  Barbara:

  Jim! She thinks the world of you.

  Jim:

  Thinks the bloody world of me?! Today, she had a family size bag of bloody Revels and did she offer me one? Did she shite. She sat there on her big fat arse announcing every one that she put in her big fat gob. ‘Oh, coconut! Oh, orange! Oh, Malt-bloody-teaser…’

  Barbara:

  Oh, is that it then? We can’t look after my own mother because she wouldn’t share a bag of Revels. Grow up, Jim.

  Jim:

  Me grow up? She makes me un-bloody-plug everything at night before we go to bed – but she’s got herself a bloody electric blanket on all night.

  Barbara:

  Oooh, Jim. If it was your mam and dad, God rest their souls, I’d’ve done anything for ‘em.

  Jim:

  She should be in a bloody home.

  Barbara:

  She is in a home. She’s in our home. And that’s where she’s staying – with a family that loves her.

  JIM SULKS.

  Jim:

  (MUMBLES) ‘Ooooh caramel, I think! No, wait, not caramel, coffee! Coffee one, that was…’ Greedy old cow…

  BIG PAUSE.

  Nana:

  Is it nearly time for The Bill?

  Jim:

  Hallo, Norma love. You’re back with us, eh?

  Nana:

  I wasn’t alseep – I was just resting my eyes.

  Jim:

  Course you were, love.

  Nana:

  Ooh, hello, Denise.

  Denise:

  Hiya, Nana.

  Nana:

  Hello, David.

  Dave:

  Hiya, Nana.

  Nana:

  When did you come? I didn’t hear you come.

  Denise:

  Oh, we’ve not been here long. How’re you feeling now, Nana?

  Nana:

  Not so bad. It’s very hard when you’ve got one eye, having been used to two. But I don’t say anything. (PAUSE) What’s that – I can’t be doing with this. I don’t watch this when I’m at home.

  JIM LOOKS.

  Jim:

  It’s a good job you slept all the way through it then, eh, Norma?

  Nana:

  Ooh, did you get my Sennapods, Barbara?

  Barbara:

  Yeah.


  NANA CROSSES HER FINGERS HOPEFULLY.

  BIG PAUSE.

  Nana:

  Do you know, Barbara, I think it might be a blockage.

  Barbara:

  Do you?

  Nana:

  Um. Something to do with my eye.

  BIG PAUSE.

  Nana:

  You know the specialist…

  Barbara:

  Yeah.

  Nana:

  Dr Crawford who operated on my eye. Do you know what he’s called?

  Barbara:

  Yeah. Mr Crawford.

  Nana:

  Do you know what his name is? Michael Crawford. (LAUGHS) You know, like ‘Oooh, Betty’. (LAUGHS) I didn’t say anything to him, you know, because, well you can’t to a specialist, can you, and I bet he gets it all the time.

  PAUSE.

  Nana:

  Hey, David, David. You’ll like this. The specialist who operated on my eye. Do you know what he was called? Michael Crawford. You know, like ‘Oooh, Betty’. You know, that programme…(LAUGHS) Oh, Denise, do you know what he said to me? Even though I’m taking the cataract out of your eye, I’m leaving the twinkle in. (LAUGHS) Oh, Barbara, I hope he has.

  PAUSE.

  Nana:

  Ooh, is it tonight? That thing with the man dressed as a chicken?

  Barbara:

  Don’t know, Mam.

  Nana:

  You know, Denise? That man – he’s a chicken. Ooh, it is funny. I do like that programme.

  Denise:

  I don’t know what you’re on about, Nana.

  Nana:

  David, will you look in the paper, I’d hate to miss it.

  Dave:

  Do you know what it’s called, Nana?

  Nana:

  No.

  Dave:

  I can’t see anything it might be, Nana.

  Nana:

  Oh, do you know what it was called, Barbara? That thing with a man dressed as a chicken…

  Barbara:

  I don’t know, Mam. Jim: Right. That’s it. Get your coat on, Dave.

  END OF EPISODE FOUR.

  Episode 5

  Barbara’s Finally Had Enough

  JIM IS SITTING IN HIS CHAIR IN THE FRONT ROOM. THE DOORBELL RINGS.

  Barbara:

  (SARCY) Don’t worry about it, Jim, I’ll get it.

  JIM GIVES A ‘WHAT HAVE I DONE NOW?’ LOOK. HE FLICKS THE REMOTE CONTROL, AN ANNOYED LOOK ON HIS FACE. WE DON’T SEE BARBARA AND DENISE – THEY GO STRAIGHT TO THE KITCHEN. DAVE GREETS BARBARA AND COMES INTO THE LIVING ROOM.

  Dave:

  All right, Barbara.

  Denise:

  Hiya, Mam. Mam, what’s up with ya? Mam?

  Dave:

  All right, Jim.

  Jim:

  Hiya, Dave.

  Dave:

  What’s up with Barbara, Jim? She looks a bit upset -Denise’s gone in kitchen with her.

  Jim:

  There’s nothing wrong with her. It’s the menopause. The bloody change – do you know what, I’m up to there with it.

  CUT TO BARBARA AND DENISE IN THE KITCHEN:

  Barbara:

  I’m just his bloody skivvy. It was worse when your nana was staying – I’d come home from work and that sink would be full of pots, they’d be fighting and I just wanted to get my coat on and go somewhere.

  Denise:

  Aah, Mam. He is just so lazy.

  Barbara:

  Well he hasn’t got any hobbies. I try and think of things for him to do. He does the crossword in the paper right, so I bought him a Puzzler the other day and he just went mad, he said I’d wasted £1.70 and he wouldn’t speak to me for the rest of the night. It’s not a life this, it’s just a bloody existence.

  Denise:

  And he’s always got bits of food stuck in his beard.

  Barbara:

  Well he never has a wash.

  CUT TO JIM AND DAVE IN THE FRONT ROOM:

  Jim:

  How long does it last, this change malarky?

  Dave:

  Dunno. Few years in’t it?

  Jim:

  Bloody ‘ell.

  CUT TO DENISE AND BARBARA IN THE KITCHEN:

  Barbara:

  The only time he has a wash is when he goes to the doctor’s. He just sits there mouthing off in that chair. Another time I came in, your nana’s face was like thunder – he wouldn’t put her drops in.

  Denise:

  He is just so selfish.

  Barbara:

  Poor Antony, got no confidence – Jim’s knocked it all out of him, calling him a lanky streak of piss all the time.

  Denise:

  Well, well he has got a point there.

  CUT TO JIM AND DAVE IN THE FRONT ROOM:

  Jim:

  Has your mum had her change yet?

  Dave:

  Dunno – she’s not said nowt.

  CUT TO BARBARA AND DENISE IN THE KITCHEN:

  Barbara:

  You know, most of the time, most of the time I put up with it – while you two were growing up.

  Denise:

  Ah.

  Barbara:

  Now I don’t know why I’m here, Denise.

  Denise:

  Ah, Mam, ah. You could come and live with us. No you could.

  Barbara:

  Ah, Denise.

  Denise:

  ‘Cause when that baby’s born I’m gonna be rushed off me feet. Ey.

  CUT TO JIM AND DAVE IN THE FRONT ROOM:

  Jim:

  Tell you what, Dave, you should have seen her before. She’s gone too far this time.

  Dave:

  Why?

  Jim:

  Bang. She just switched the bloody telly off.

  Dave:

  No need for that.

  Jim:

  That’s what I mean.

  CUT TO KITCHEN:

  Denise:

  Ah, ah. Do you like me new top?

  CUT TO LIVING ROOM:

  Jim:

  I’m not one of them husbands that goes out every night. Admittedly I would be if I could afford it. I have two nights and one afternoon a week and it’s still not bloody good enough.

  Dave:

  I don’t wanna get involved me, Jim. She does work hard though.

  Jim:

  Hard my arse. A couple of hours in a bloody bakery?

  Dave:

  I don’t wanna get involved. It’s nowt to do with me.

  CUT TO KITCHEN TO BARBARA CRYING AND THEN BACK TO FRONT ROOM:

  Jim:

  The trouble with me lad, is I’m too easy-bloody-going. She walks all over me. I mean the days she does work in the bakery, it can be half seven, quarter to eight, before my tea’s ready. But I don’t say nothing, I just get on with it.

  CUT TO KITCHEN:

  Barbara:

  He’s got no conversation about him at all. Do you know he absolutely hated work. Hated it. I always thought that when he gave it up, I’d see a lovely side of Jim that I’d never seen before. There isn’t one.

  Denise:

  No.

  Barbara:

  You know the doctor said about this HRT thing. He said have a little think and go and discuss it with your husband. All Jim could say was that HRT’s horse’s piss and that them doctors are raking it in.

  CUT TO LIVING ROOM: JIM AND DAVE ARE WATCHING TV.

  DENISE COMES IN.

  Denise:

  Ey, Dad, what’ve you said to me mam? Why d’you always have to upset her?

  Jim:

  What?

  Denise:

  You’re horrible to her. You’re always horrible to her and you’re horrible to Nana ‘n’all.

  Jim:

  Bloody ‘ell. What have I done now?

  Denise:

  You never say anything nice to her. You never even offer to take her anywhere.

  Jim:

  That’s the bloody menopause that, isn’t it. And anyway what about you? You’r
e bloody lazier than me, aren’t ya? I bet you still haven’t cooked him a single meal since you’ve been married. Has she, Dave?

  Denise:

  I have, haven’t I, Dave?

  Dave:

  Not a meal.

  Denise:

  Oh shut it, you. (TO JIM) Anyway this is nothing to do with us. This is about you.

  Jim:

  No it’s about you, you and your bloody mother, ‘cause she’s poisoned your mind against me, hasn’t she. And you’re always on her bloody side. You’re as thick as bloody thieves the pair of you. Why don’t you just get your nana round here and the whole bloody coven can have a go at me. I tell you what Dave, you’ve made a hell of a mistake marrying into this lot, lad.

  Denise:

  You don’t deserve her, you.

  Jim:

  She doesn’t bloody deserve bloody me.

  Denise:

  Dave! Why do you always take his side?

  Dave:

  Well it’s your mam’s menopause in’t it?

  Jim:

  Cor-rect, David.

  Denise:

  It’s not her menopause, it’s the way he treats her.

  Dave:

  He’s all right. Leave him alone.

  Denise:

  Dave, will you keep your big fat nose out. It’s nothing to do with you. It’s not your family.

  Dave:

  Well you’ve brought me in on this argument, haven’t you. It’s nothing to do with me. Bloody ‘ell. Anyway what about you having a pop at your dad and you’re never off your arse, are you?

  Jim:

  Cor-rect, David.

  Denise:

  I’m pregnant and I’m carrying your child about, thank you very much.

  Dave:

  What d’you mean you’re pregnant, you’re carrying my child about thank you very much? Anyone’d think you were the only woman ever to bloody be pregnant. It’s only the size of a bloody orange.

  Denise:

  Well that’s as much as you know – it’s the size of a grapefruit, thank you, Dave.

  Jim:

  Grapefruit my arse.

  Dave:

  Cor-rect, Jim. (TO DENISE)

  Jim:

  Thank you.

  Dave:

  Anyway, how come we never go round to my mam and dad’s?

  Denise:

  Well, I’ll tell you why, Dave – ‘cause they sit on their arses and watch telly all night and it’s boring. Anyway, you go round twice a week as it is.

  Dave:

  That’s to take me washing round and go back and pick it up again – you know that.

  Denise:

  Oh well, well, well how come we’ve been married ages and your mum’s never offered to do my washing.

  Dave:

  Well you’ve got a washing machine, you should be doing my washing. Cost me two hundred and eighty notes that.