The Royle Family – Scripts Series 2 Read online

Jim:

  How much?

  Dave:

  Two hundred and eighty bloody notes and she’s never had a single thing in it.

  Denise:

  Well you try being pregnant right and…

  Dave:

  And what? And nothing. You’re bone bloody idle.

  Denise:

  I am preparing myself for motherhood.

  Dave:

  Mother of my arse.

  Jim:

  Cor-rect, Dave.

  Dave:

  Thank you, James.

  Jim:

  Who’s ‘em…Who’s gonna wash the baby’s things, Dave?

  Denise:

  Will you stop shit-stirring it, Dad. It’s nothing to do with you.

  THEY HEAR THE FRONT DOOR SLAM. DENISE GOES TO THE WINDOW AND LOOKS OUT.

  Denise:

  It’s me mam. She’s got her coat on. Dad, will you go after her?

  Jim:

  Me, go after her? Why don’t you go after her?

  Denise:

  I’m pregnant! Dave, you go after her!

  Dave:

  I’m watching this.

  Jim:

  She’s probably only gone to Mary’s – to have a bloody go at me from round there. Anyway Mary’s the only one who doesn’t know I’m a big, fat, lazy arse.

  SILENCE. DENISE IS STILL AT THE WINDOW.

  Denise:

  She’s not gone to Mary’s. I wonder where she’s going? It’s all your fault. She’s on the change – she might walk out in front of a lorry and get run over.

  Jim:

  Well, we could always put a claim in.

  Denise:

  Poor Mam, I’ve never seen her so upset. You’re horrible, you. You’ve broke our home up.

  Jim:

  It’s not even your bloody home, you don’t live here.

  Denise:

  Mam said Antony stormed out. Now she’s gone. I’ll be next.

  Jim:

  You’re too bloody lazy to storm off anywhere, you.

  Denise:

  No, you’re the lazy one.

  Jim:

  You’re the bloody lazy one.

  Denise:

  Get lost – you’re way lazier than me.

  PAUSE.

  Jim:

  My arse. You are.

  Denise:

  No you are.

  Jim:

  (TO DAVE) She is.

  Denise:

  (TO DAVE) He is.

  JIM TURNS OVER. WHO WANTS TO BE A MILLIONAIRE? IS ON. HE RUBS HIS HANDS IN GLEE.

  All:

  Waaay.

  Jim:

  I tell you what, this is got to be the best bloody show on the television, bar none.

  Dave:

  (RUBS HANDS TOGETHER) Too right.

  THEY WATCH WHO WANTS TO BE A MILLIONAIRE? THE QUESTION IS ABOUT FABRIC AND NATIONALITIES.

  Jim:

  Persian! Bloody Persian. Persian man and Persian rug.

  Dave:

  I guess B. Jute. Oh, yes.

  Denise:

  Clever dick. Got that wrong didn’t you.

  Dave:

  Dave Best got it right.

  CHRIS TARRANT ANNOUNCES ARLENE FROM ABERDEENSHIRE.

  Jim:

  Come on, Arlene. Come on, love.

  Dave:

  (TO TUNE OF ‘COME ON EILEEN’, SINGS) Come on, Arlene…

  CHRIS TARRANT ASKS, ‘WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF YOU WON £1M?’

  Denise:

  (OF ARLENE) Get her roots done.

  QUESTION ABOUT BONES.

  Jim:

  Skeleton!

  Denise:

  Oh, em?

  Dave:

  B: Skeleton.

  Jim:

  Yes, a hundred pound. A piece of piss.

  ECOLOGICAL GROUP QUESTION. ‘GREEN’ IS THE ANSWER.

  Jim:

  No. No. No. Yes.

  Dave:

  D: Green.

  Jim:

  Two hundred notes. Piss easy.

  HARDEST SUBSTANCE QUESTION.

  Jim:

  Duckers.

  DAVE KILLS HIMSELF LAUGHING. ARLENE ANSWERS A QUESTION ON PIRATES.

  Dave:

  Duckers (PAUSE) Ooh, yes.

  Denise:

  You’d think she’d put a bit more lippy on wouldn’t you, you know, going on telly?

  Dave:

  Yeah, well she’s nervous, she keeps on licking it off. Look.

  Denise:

  Oh yeah.

  Dave:

  Watch. Look.

  GOLF QUESTION. DENISE LAUGHS.

  Denise:

  Bogey. Dave, Dave, bogey. Dad, do you know what Dave calls crows, bogeys.

  QUESTION ABOUT THE SONG ‘LIFTED’.

  Dave:

  Lighthouse Family. Number one, August 1995. Got everything they’ve ever done. C: Lighthouse Family. Correct love. Come on, Chris.

  Denise:

  Hey, Dave.

  Dave:

  Got everything they’ve ever done.

  Denise:

  Dad, Dave.

  QUESTION ABOUT HIND.

  Jim:

  Horse’s arse. Horse’s arse. Horse’s arse. Horse’s arse.

  Denise:

  It was a deer.

  Jim:

  Looks like a horse’s arse from the back.

  ETHANOL QUESTION.

  Dave:

  Ethanol?

  Denise:

  Most common form…

  Jim:

  Substance?

  Denise:

  Phone a friend.

  Dave:

  Phone a friend.

  Jim:

  Say if one of us was on the show and we had to phone your nana. She’d spend the first half hour telling us about where she fell in the precinct.

  PAUSE.

  ARLENE PHONES HER SISTER.

  Denise:

  She’s phoning her sister.

  Dave:

  Gotta be one of them four.

  Denise:

  Yeah. Ah, her bottle’s gone, innit.

  Jim:

  She doesn’t know.

  Dave:

  Tell you what, her bottle’s gone.

  Denise:

  Ah he’d love her to win, Chris, ‘n’all.

  Dave:

  Tell you summit, he’d love her to win, Chris.

  Denise:

  Fifty-fifty. Fifty-fifty.

  Dave:

  Going fifty-fifty.

  THE ANSWER IS ALCOHOL. ARLENE LOSES, BUT SAYS ‘OK, COOL’.

  Dave:

  Alcohol. I’d’ve thought you’d know that, Denise.

  Denise:

  I’ve never even drank ethanol!

  PAUSE.

  Denise:

  Aah, she looks dead upset, Dad, doesn’t she?

  ARLENE’S WON £1000.

  Jim:

  She still won a grand though, didn’t she.

  Dave:

  Oh yeah. Gutted though, in’t she?

  Jim:

  Yeah.

  CHRIS TARRANT SAYS ‘NINE OF YOU LEFT’.

  Jim:

  That’ll be nine arses going at the same time there, Dave.

  PAUSE.

  Jim:

  Ey, nine little bottoms chewing on their undies. Oh ey, tell you what, I came close to winning the lottery on Saturday.

  Dave:

  Did you?

  Jim:

  One bloody number I wanted, number 17 and 18 popped out. I was that bloody close, ey, that close to winning a tenner.

  Denise:

  Ey, Dad, what was that other quiz show that you used to really like? With, em, oh what’s his name, thingy? Er, Roy Walker.

  Jim:

  Oh, Catchphrase.

  PAUSE. THEY WATCH TELLY.

  Dave:

  ‘Say what you see, if you see it, say it.’

  PAUSE.

  Jim:

  ‘It’s a good answer, but it’s not right.’
/>   Dave:

  ‘Say what you see, if you see it, say it’.’Say what you see, if you see it, say it’.’Say what you see, if you see it, say it.’

  PAUSE.

  Denise:

  Dave, stop it.

  Dave:

  I’m only saying what I see.

  Denise:

  But you’re not seeing it, so stop saying it.

  Jim:

  Do y’know who the best quiz master is, Dave?

  Dave:

  Les Dennis.

  Jim:

  Ugh, ugh. Bob Monkhouse.

  Dave:

  Ugh, ugh.

  Jim:

  Ugh, ugh.

  Dave:

  Ugh, ugh.

  Jim:

  Ugh, ugh. Eh, what about old Brucie baby?

  Dave:

  Good game, good game. Nice to see you, to see you nice. Here they are, they’re so appealing, okay dollies, do your dealing!

  Jim:

  Higher than an eight. Higher than an eight. Lower. Lower.

  LAUGH.

  Dave:

  Eh, remember him, remember him? Ooh look at the muck here, ooh Everhard. Shut that door.

  Jim:

  Dave, don’t do that.

  THE FRONT DOOR CLOSES.

  Jim:

  Ugh, ugh.

  THEY ALL WATCH THE DOOR. BARBARA COMES IN AND SITS DOWN, RESIGNED. DENISE HANDS MAM AN ASHTRAY.

  Barbara:

  Ta. (DENISE HANDS HER A CIGGY) Ta.

  Denise:

  You all right, Mam?

  Barbara:

  Yeah.

  Dave:

  You all right, Barbara?

  Barbara:

  Yeah.

  Jim:

  You’re all right, Barb?

  Barbara:

  I have to be, don’t I?

  Jim:

  I’ve walked the length of this neighbourhood looking for you. You’ve had us worried out of our bloody minds here.

  Denise:

  Where did you go, Mam?

  Barbara:

  I just went for a little walk – to clear me head.

  Denise:

  Anything the matter, Mam?

  Barbara:

  No nothing. Nothing that won’t keep. I’ve kept it in for over twenty-seven years now.

  Jim:

  I’ll tell you what, Barb, there was a woman just like you, on the change. She made a thousand pounds there on the telly. So it’s not all doom and gloom. Look, you and your change, you just sit there and I’ll make us a nice cup of tea.

  THEY ALL LOOK AT JIM IN DISBELIEF.

  Jim:

  Nice cup of tea, Barb? (SHE IGNORES HIM) Nice cup of tea, Dave? Denise? Nice cup of tea for you and the little one? Medium to strong, eh? I’ll go and heat the pot and we’ll let it brew, eh. There’s a nice cup of tea coming your way. A nice cup of tea coming your way. Oh and keep an eye on Dave from Halifax for me because I am making a brew. Even though it’s my favourite programme, I am making a brew. And do you know why? Because I am a family man.

  DAVE SMILES. DENISE AND BARBARA ARE TRYING NOT TO SMILE.

  Jim:

  Barbara, if you would like some conversation with me about Pauline or Donna or just a bakery chit-chat, think on while I’m making the brew.

  HE GETS UP AND GOES TO THE KITCHEN. THE CAMERA STAYS IN THE LIVING ROOM. DENISE LOOKS AT BARBARA, BARBARA SHAKES HER HEAD.

  CUT TO JIM: STANDING IN THE KITCHEN DOORWAY, WATCHING WHO WANTS TO BE A MILLIONAIRE?

  Jim:

  D! Kent. Kettle’s nearly boiling love, nice and hot, ‘cause when you’re making tea, the water’s gotta be really piping.

  JIM GOES BACK INTO THE KITCHEN.

  Jim:

  (OOV): We’ll have to get a portable in here, Barb. Sugar bowl’s empty, Barb, where’s the sugar?

  Barbara:

  Top left-hand cupboard, where it always is.

  BIG PAUSE.

  Jim:

  Any biscuits, Barb?

  Barbara:

  There’s some Penguins in the big Tupperware box.

  BIG PAUSE.

  Jim:

  Where is the Tupperware box?

  Barbara:

  In the cupboard with the cornflakes.

  BIG PAUSE.

  Jim:

  There’s no Penguins, Barb.

  Barbara:

  Oooh. (SHE GOES TO THE KITCHEN WHERE JIM IS MAKING THE BREW. SHE PLONKS THEM ON TO THE TRAY) ‘Ere. (SHE GOES TO LEAVE).

  Jim:

  Ey, Barb? We’ll get through this change thing together, you know what I mean, kid?

  Barbara:

  Yeah.

  PAUSE.

  Jim:

  Making a little brew. Making a lovely pot of tea here. (BARBARA GOES. HE WHISTLES ‘TEA FOR TWO’, THEN, TO HIMSELF) ‘D’you know the piano’s on my foot?’ ‘You hum, sir, and I’ll play it’.’You hum it and I’ll play it.’

  JIM GOES BACK INTO LIVING ROOM AND HANDS OUT THE TEAS.

  Jim:

  Nice cup of tea, David.

  Dave:

  Thank you, James.

  Barbara:

  Thanks, Jim.

  Jim:

  There y’are, for the grapefruit.

  Denise:

  Thank you.

  Jim:

  Ooh, nectar. Who wants to be a millionaire? I bloody don’t. I’m already a millionaire – with a million pound of love in the bank. Dave? You having that, Dave?

  Dave:

  Good one that, James.

  Jim:

  And I tell you what, tomorrow night, I’d like to cordially invite you round to my simple, modest home – that’s Dave and Denise and the grapefruit, to join me and my lovely wife, Barbara, who will come home from work to find me entertaining her sweet-smelling mother whilst preparing a meal.

  Denise:

  You’re not gonna cook? Are you gonna cook?

  Jim:

  My onion gravy, a delicacy, will be gently caressing the fluffy mash which will be straddled by two succulent sausages. Ey? (RUBS HIS HANDS) How does that grab you, Barb? (HE KISSES HIS FINGERS) Okay, Dave?

  Barbara:

  Well I’ll believe it when I see it.

  PAUSE. JIM SLURPS HIS TEA.

  Dave:

  Ey, hang on. Tomorrow night? That’s the darts final in the Feathers, Jim.

  Jim:

  Oh bloody ‘ell, yeah, I forgot all about that. Ah well, the thought was there, Barb. (THEY ALL LOOK AT HIM). What?

  END OF EPISODE FIVE.

  Episode 6

  Antony’s Birthday

  BARBARA IS FUSSING ABOUT THE ROOM. JIM WATCHES EASTENDERS.

  Jim:

  Mike Reid – he must pinch himself every bloody morning, him. I bet you he can’t believe his own bloody luck. He used to be a comedian, you know, Mike Reid. ‘Stitch that. Wallop.’

  Barbara:

  Switch it off, Jim. They’ll be here soon.

  JIM DOESN’T MOVE.

  Jim:

  Ah, I’ll just watch that, Barb.

  Barbara:

  You’re always slagging it!

  Jim:

  She’s still got a fine pair, ol’ Barbara Windsor, hasn’t she, I’ll give her that.

  Barbara:

  Ey, Jim, d’you think we’ve got enough lagers? I hope we have. Will you nip out for some if we haven’t?

  Jim:

  What with?

  DOORBELL GOES.

  Jim:

  There’s the door, Barb.

  Barbara:

  Oh, hiya Twiggy. Are you all right? It’s Twiggy.

  Twiggy:

  You all right, Barb?

  Barbara:

  Yeah.

  BARBARA AND TWIGGY COME INTO THE LIVING ROOM.

  Jim:

  All right, Twigg?

  Twiggy:

  You all right, Jim?

  Barbara:

  Have you got that sovereign ring, Twiggy?

  Twiggy:

  Have I
ever let you down, Barb? There y’are, girl.

  Barbara:

  Ta. Oh, it’s lovely. Look Jim.

  Jim:

  Nice one.

  Barbara:

  I’d better get it wrapped up.

  BARBARA STARTS WRAPPING IT.

  Jim:

  How much do we owe you for the ring, Twigg?

  Twiggy:

  Twenty notes.

  Jim:

  How much did you pay for it?

  Twiggy:

  Twenty notes. Ey, I don’t rip off me mates, you know.

  Jim:

  Go ‘way, you’d flog your own grandmother, you would Twigg.

  Twiggy:

  Ey, Barb, that looks like a nice buffet.

  Barbara:

  Oh, don’t start it now.

  Twiggy:

  Where is he – the birthday boy?

  Barbara:

  He’s round at Emma’s – but he’ll be back in a minute.

  Barbara:

  Oh ey, Twiggy. You should’ve brought your girlfriend.

  Twiggy:

  No, I’m not seeing her now.

  Barbara:

  Aaaah. Are you not?

  Twiggy:

  Well, she was a bit of bike really.

  Jim:

  Well, I thought that’s why you liked her.

  Twiggy:

  Yeah – but you don’t want everyone else having a go on it, d’you know what I mean?

  Barbara:

  It’s a shame that, Twiggy – she was handy for you wasn’t she at that petrol station.

  Twiggy:

  Yeah. I put up a load of shelves for her, you know, bought her a gold ankle chain and grouted her bathroom. Turns out she’s knocking off Duckers ‘n’all.

  Barbara:

  Oh what? I am sorry. How did you find out?

  Twiggy:

  Duckers told me.

  Barbara:

  Did he?

  Twiggy:

  Well he is me mate, isn’t he?

  Barbara:

  Oh yeah…

  Twiggy:

  To be quite honest, I didn’t want to get lumbered with all them kids.

  Barbara:

  Well, I didn’t like to say anything at the time, Twiggy, but I did think she was a bit common. You can do a lot better than that.

  Twiggy:

  Yeah. Mind you, so can Duckers.

  Barbara:

  Yeah. Ey, how’s your little lad, Lee? You should’ve brought him, couldn’t you?

  Twiggy:

  Well, she’s gone on off on one – won’t let me see him just because I got bladdered when I was supposed to have access. You know what she’s like. The only time I can speak to him now is on his mobile.

  PAUSE.

  TWIGGY AND JIM WATCH TV.

  Twiggy:

  (OF EASTENDERS) Ey! ‘Wallop.’ (PAUSE) Tell you what, Jim, he is one lucky bleeder him, landing that job.

  Barbara:

  Are you going to get changed for the party, Jim?

  Jim:

  Why? I’m all right like this, aren’t I? Party? Come on, party my arse. You’ve only made a few butties haven’t you, and that’s only because you want a look at Emma.

  BARBARA HANDS JIM SOME BALLOONS.

  Barbara: