The Royle Family – Scripts Series 2 Read online

  Jim:

  You’ll be down the front won’t you, holding all the groupies back you know, when Ryan’s brother’s givin’ it all that…

  Denise:

  Isn’t Tiggsy still doing his community service?

  Antony:

  Yeah. But he’s only got another year to go.

  Jim:

  Well you’ll have to sort it all out. You can’t be conquering America and him having to come back home every bloody weekend to do his community service.

  Dave:

  Have you got any tapes?

  Antony:

  Yeah, we’re gonna do a demo as soon as Tiggsy’s mam will let us use the garage.

  Jim:

  Well you’re right there. No use wasting money on bloody Abbey Road if Joan will lend you the garage.

  Denise:

  Well you don’t want to be having Ryan singing – he hasn’t got anything about him, him.

  Barbara:

  Ah, Ryan. A father at fifteen.

  Antony:

  Thing is, we really need to be, eh, having a gig you know, to get the A&R men to come down. Can’t you ask at the Feathers can you, Dave?

  Jim:

  Oh they’re gonna bloody love that, aren’t they, all the bloody Cockney wideboys sitting there with their ponytails and daft old Ernie standing by the bar screaming for his own tankard.

  Barbara:

  In’t it funny how he’ll only drink out of his own tankard?

  Jim:

  Well, he’s only like your mother with that china cup.

  Barbara:

  Oh, I knew we’d have to get back to my mother.

  Jim:

  Okay Dave, shall we nip down the Feathers and get a gig for Boyzone there.

  Antony:

  No. We’ve not practised enough yet.

  Jim:

  Well shove it up your arse then. You try to bloody help and look at that.

  Denise:

  I’m still dying for a wee.

  Barbara:

  Well go then.

  Denise:

  Well, I may as well wait till we get home.

  Dave:

  (TO JIM) Shall we go down the Feathers then Jim, yeah?

  Denise:

  Dave, you’re going nowhere.

  Jim:

  Hey Denise, you know them new trousers, they look bloody awful.

  Denise:

  Look at you in that manky vest, you’re hardly Bruce Willis in Die Hard.

  PAUSE.

  Denise:

  I’m dying for a wee.

  Jim:

  Will you go for a piss!

  END OF EPISODE THREE.

  Episode 4

  Sunday Lunch

  NANA IS ASLEEP ON THE SOFA, A PATCH OVER ONE EYE. DAVE SITS NEXT TO HER, WATCHING THE TELLY. JIM IS IN HIS CHAIR. JIM QUIETLY TRUMPS AND WAFTS IT TOWARDS NANA. DAVE CLOCKS THIS AND LAUGHS.

  CUT TO KITCHEN:

  BARBARA IS WASHING UP UNAIDED, AS DENISE SITS AT THE TABLE DRINKING TEA AND FLICKING THROUGH THE CATALOGUE.

  Denise:

  It’s not worth buying maternity ones – I mean, I’m not gonna have another – no way.

  Barbara:

  How are you and Dave getting on?

  Denise:

  Well, I don’t think he realizes what work it is for me carrying another person around. Ah, Mum, I was looking in that baby book – guess what size it is now.

  Barbara:

  What size?

  Denise:

  The size of an orange.

  Barbara:

  An orange. Oooh, Denise, how lovely.

  PAUSE.

  Denise:

  Aaah, Mam, I feel dead sad when I see Nana with that patch on her eye.

  Barbara:

  She was looking in there for baby things for you.

  Denise:

  Aaah, was she? With just one eye?

  Barbara:

  Yeah. She said they were all too dear, though – the thought was there.

  Denise:

  D’you think she’ll stay more than the week, Mam?

  Barbara:

  Well, she wants to. I daren’t say anything to your dad yet. He’ll hit the roof. Oh, you know, you should have seen your dad before – your nana went upstairs with the remote control by mistake, in her handbag.

  Denise:

  Ooh, no. Poor Nana.

  Barbara:

  And, last night she made him take out take all the plugs y’know. She said she couldn’t sleep with them all in. He had to reset the video this morning and the air was blue. I wished it was her ears that were covered up.

  Denise:

  Yeah, it’s a shame I’m pregnant, I could’ve come and took her out one afternoon.

  Barbara:

  Aah, you still needing your naps in the afternoon?

  Denise:

  Yeah.

  CUT TO LIVING ROOM.

  Jim:

  Oh aye, you know where the bloody thing ended up, don’t you? Bloody Cyclops had it in her handbag, didn’t she. We had the couch turned over and everything. She’s like a bloody vulture.

  PAUSE. THEY WATCH TELLY.

  Jim:

  She’s had the same bloody handkerchief up her sleeve for four days. (PAUSE) I’d love to have a look in that handbag. We may as well have a mongrel because all she does is eat, shit and sleep. (PAUSE) You see that eye-patch? That could come off now. That’s just there for effect, innit. Never mind, (RUBS HIS HANDS IN GLEE) only a couple more days then she’ll be away, off to her own bloody place.

  Dave:

  Eh, then there’s the other eye though, in’t there, Jim?

  Jim:

  Eh, don’t be saying that, will you lad.

  PAUSE.

  Jim:

  (CONSPIRATORIAL) Dave, d’you fancy a beer tonight?

  Dave:

  Oh, yeah.

  Jim:

  Well look, I’m already in Barbara’s bad books, so when she comes in, you mither me. OK?

  Dave:

  But Denise’ll go mad at me then though, Jim.

  Jim:

  Oh, don’t worry about her. I’ll sort her out. That’s no problem.

  NANA GIVES A GENTLE LITTLE SNORE.

  Jim:

  No sweeter sound, is there? I’d love to strangle the old cow.

  CUT TO KITCHEN. ANTONY COMES IN FROM THE HALLWAY.

  Antony:

  Can I have a butty or something, Mam, I’m starving?

  Barbara:

  You’ve just had chops and chips!

  Antony:

  That was ages ago.

  Barbara:

  Oh, get yourself a Club biscuit. Just one.

  Antony:

  (OF DENISE) She comes round here eating and she’s got her own house. She’s always scoffing.

  Denise:

  I’m eating for two. Mam, will you tell him?

  Barbara:

  Yeah, Antony, shut it. Don’t you think I’ve got enough to think about with your dad and your nana without you two starting.

  CHERYL COMES IN THROUGH THE BACK DOOR.

  Cheryl:

  Hiya.

  Denise:

  Hiya, Cheryl.

  Cheryl:

  Hiya, Antony.

  Denise:

  Y’all right, Cheryl?

  Cheryl:

  Yeah. How are you?

  Denise:

  Aah, you know, just trying not to overdo it really.

  Barbara:

  Denise, have you told Cheryl?

  Denise:

  About what?

  Barbara:

  What size it is now.

  Denise:

  Oh, yeah. Cheryl, guess what size it is now?

  Cheryl:

  Dunno.

  Denise:

  The size of an orange.

  Cheryl:

  An orange! And I’m godmother to that orange.

  Denise:

  Ooh, yeah.

  Barbara:

 
Eh, Cheryl. How are you getting on at Weight Watchers?

  Cheryl:

  Brilliant thanks. I’m doing really well.

  Barbara:

  Ooh. D’you want a biscuit?

  Cheryl:

  Yeah. I can cut something out tomorrow. That’s how we do it at Weight Watchers.

  Denise:

  Is it?

  Cheryl:

  You can have stuff – and then cut things out, y’know, the next day or something.

  Barbara:

  Ooh, that’s very good in’t it? Ey, your mum was telling me she’s had to buy you a blender.

  Denise:

  You got a blender, Cheryl?

  Cheryl:

  Yeah.

  Denise:

  Mam. I must get a blender.

  Barbara:

  Ooh, yes.

  Denise:

  What d’you do with it?

  Cheryl:

  It’s like you blend up a load of vegetables and it’s only eighteen calories a cup. But it tastes horrible.

  Denise:

  That’s good though, in’t it – eighteen calories.

  Cheryl:

  Yeah. (BITES THE CLUB) There’s a hundred and fifty in these.

  Barbara:

  In a Club! Oooh.

  Denise:

  In a Club? Well, if there’s eighteen calories in a cup of vegetables, you know, when you weigh up, you could have loads really – just to equal one Club, couldn’t you.

  Cheryl:

  Yeah – but I love the chocolate on Club.

  Barbara:

  Oooh.

  Denise:

  Yeah.

  BIG PAUSE.

  Cheryl:

  How’s your nana’s eye?

  Denise:

  We don’t know, she won’t take the patch off.

  Barbara:

  They said she could, but I think she’s leaving it on to annoy Jim.

  Denise:

  (OF THE CATALOGUE) Aah. Look at that.

  Cheryl:

  Aaah, look at that lovely little baby.

  GENERAL AAAHS.

  Denise:

  Ey, Cheryl, guess what we’re getting. One of them baby intercoms, so if we’re downstairs we don’t have to go all the way up – y’know, to tell it to shut up and that.

  Barbara:

  God, I didn’t need an intercom with you two. I could hear you all over the house.

  Cheryl:

  Antony, are you still seeing Emma?

  Antony:

  Why? Are you after me now?

  Cheryl:

  As if.

  Barbara:

  Antony! Yes, Cheryl, he is still seeing Emma. It’s a wonder anybody’s going out with you, Antony Royle. Why can’t you answer a civil question?

  Cheryl:

  When are you bringing her round?

  Antony:

  I’m not bring her here.

  Barbara:

  We’re not the Addams Family, Antony.

  PAUSE.

  Cheryl:

  Did your nana find her watch?

  Denise:

  Yeah.

  Cheryl:

  Where was it?

  Denise:

  In her handbag.

  Barbara:

  Ooh, do you know, Denise, let me tell you something. I’d done your nana’s washing and I went to hang it on the line, but she wouldn’t let me hang her knickers out. She didn’t want your dad to see them. I had to cover them up with a tea towel.

  THEY ALL LAUGH.

  Antony:

  You should’ve used a sheet, the size of Nana’s knickers.

  ANTONY GOES INTO THE LIVING ROOM.

  Cheryl:

  Has Antony dyed his hair?

  Denise/Barbara:

  Yeah.

  Cheryl:

  I thought he had.

  CUT TO LIVING ROOM:

  Dave:

  All right, Ant. How’s the band?

  Antony:

  They’ve split up.

  Dave:

  Bloody ‘ell.

  Jim:

  (LAUGHS) Exit Exit.

  GOOD LONG PAUSE. CAMERA STAYS ON THEM AS THEY WATCH THE TELLY.

  CUT TO KITCHEN:

  Denise:

  Ey, right, did anyone see that film last night about the tattoos?

  Barbara:

  No.

  Denise:

  It was absolutely brilliant. There was this bloke, right, and he was obsessed with this woman what was a model and he kidnapped her and he drugged her and then he covered her whole body from the neck downwards with a tattoo.

  Barbara:

  Did she not like it?

  Denise:

  No.

  Barbara:

  I’d hate that to happen to me.

  Cheryl:

  What happened at the end?

  Denise:

  When he’d completely finished her tattoo, right, he took his clothes off and he had a matching body tattoo – and then they were doing it, and his tattoo and her tattoo mingled into one.

  Cheryl:

  Did they?

  Denise:

  But then she grabbed the tattoo gun and stabbed him with it.

  Barbara:

  Oooh.

  Cheryl:

  Blimey.

  Denise:

  There was all ink everywhere.

  Barbara:

  Ooh, what a thing to happen.

  Cheryl:

  I’d love another Club if you’ve got one, Barbara.

  CUT TO LIVING ROOM:

  Dave:

  He tattooed the whole of her body.

  Jim:

  What, boobs ‘n’all?

  Dave:

  Oh, the full monty.

  Jim:

  Well, I don’t see the point of that? You’d wanna be looking at them, not covering them up.

  Dave:

  My point exactly, James.

  BARBARA COMES IN AND SITS DOWN.

  Barbara:

  Aaah, she still asleep?

  Jim:

  Yeah. She’s got jaw-ache, God love her.

  Barbara:

  Y’all right, Dave?

  Dave:

  Yeah.

  Barbara:

  You had your tea?

  Dave:

  No, I’m gonna stop for some chips on’t way home. Denise couldn’t be bothered cooking me owt.

  Barbara:

  Well don’t forget, she is pregnant.

  Jim:

  Bloody ‘ell, Barbara, there’s no chance of us forgetting is there? (LOOKS AT NANA) I don’t know where she inherits this lazy streak from.

  PAUSE.

  Barbara:

  Ooh, ey, Dave, Denise has just been telling us about that film last night.

  Dave:

  Did you watch it, Barbara?

  Barbara:

  No.

  Dave:

  Brilliant it was. This bloke kidnapped this woman and drugged her, then tattooed her from the neck down.

  Barbara:

  Ooh, in’t awful – when you weigh up? Was she a young girl, Dave?

  Dave:

  Oh yeah. She was a model.

  Jim:

  Was she? What was it called?

  Dave:

  Tattoo.

  Jim:

  ‘Hey, Boss, the plane.’

  DAVE LAUGHS.

  Barbara:

  Oh, was he in it? That little dwarfy one?

  Dave:

  No.

  CHERYL AND DENISE COME IN.

  Cheryl:

  I’m going now, Barbara. I’ve just come in to have a look at Nana.

  Barbara:

  She’s sleeping.

  Jim:

  Whatever you do, don’t wake her up.

  PAUSE. CHERYL LOOKS AT NANA.

  Cheryl:

  Aah, is that the eye she’s had the cataract taken out of?

  Jim:

  No, it’s the other one. She’s wearing that patch to help
her stop smoking. Course it’s that bloody eye.

  Barbara:

  Jim! Ignore him, love.

  Jim:

  Ey, you don’t want to take her up the precinct for a couple of weeks, do you?

  Cheryl:

  I’m going back now – I’ve got to blend some vegetables for my supper.

  Barbara:

  Lovely. See ya, Cheryl.

  Cheryl:

  See ya. See ya, Denise.

  Denise:

  See ya, Cheryl.

  Jim:

  Goodnight, Shegsy, love.

  CHERYL LEAVES.

  Jim:

  Very dynamic, that Cheryl. (PAUSE). What’s all this about blending vegetables?

  Denise:

  Well she’s just joined Weight Watchers.

  Jim:

  Weight Watchers? A room full of fat-arsed women paying loads of money to be told not to shovel food into their gobs.

  PAUSE.

  Barbara:

  Seems to be sticking to it, though, doesn’t she?

  Denise:

  Yeah.

  Barbara:

  Mary was saying she’d had to get in all these low-fat spreads and all sorts. She’s got her own compartment in the fridge.

  Jim:

  What’s it called – the freezer?

  Barbara:

  Look at your nana. She’s worn out, you know. Don’t they get more like children when they get older…Funny when you think about it, they look after you, then you look after them…

  Dave:

  (HAS PICKED UP THE PAPER) There’s nowt on the box. (BLOWS OUT) Jim?

  Jim:

  Yes, Dave.

  Dave:

  Do you fancy coming down the Feathers for a pint?

  Jim:

  Yeah, I don’t mind, but it’s not fair on Barbara.

  DAVE LOOKS CONFUSED.

  Barbara:

  Oh, Jim.

  Dave:

  Well, shall we just go for the last hour then?

  Jim:

  Yeah, okay, it’s up to Barbara.

  Barbara:

  Ooh, we’re having a nice time here aren’t we? There’s no need for you to go out.

  Denise:

  You don’t need to go out, Dave. We’re having a nice time here.

  Dave:

  I just thought I’d take your dad out for a drink.

  Denise:

  He doesn’t want to go – he’s just said.

  Barbara:

  No, he doesn’t want to go, Dave.

  DAVE LOOKS AT HIM, JIM LOOKS AWAY AT THE TELLY. DAVE LOOKS HURT.

  Denise:

  Antony, what’s up with your face?

  Antony:

  Nowt.

  Barbara:

  You not seeing Emma tonight, Antony?

  Antony:

  No.

  Dave:

  Where is she?

  Antony:

  She’s gone to the pictures with a friend.

  Dave:

  What, a girl?

  Antony:

  No. A lad. Her family and this other family have been really close. It’s just a mate, that’s all.

  Dave, Denise and Jim all scoff:

  ’AAAARRRGGGHH’.

  Denise:

  (SINGS) Torn between two lovers, (DAVE AND JIM JOIN IN) feeling like a fool, loving both of you is breaking all the rules…’