The Royle Family – Scripts Series 2 Read online

  Denise:

  Why?

  Barbara:

  ‘Cause I told him Nana’s coming to stay for a week.

  Jim:

  It’s not definite yet.

  Barbara:

  Oh yes it is.

  Denise:

  Dad! She’s having a cataract removed.

  Jim:

  A cataract. What’s she having it removed for? If she hasn’t seen everything now, by the time she’s bloody eighty-bloody-four, what else is there left for her to look at.

  Barbara:

  Jim. It’s a very serious operation. She’s only coming for a week.

  Jim:

  A bloody week! Once she gets her big fat flabby arse on that settee, she’ll be there for the duration.

  Dave:

  It’ll be company for you Jim, while Barbara’s at work. You know Norma’s never stuck for summit to say.

  Jim:

  Well if you’ve done the little box-room, why don’t you take her to stay with you?

  Denise:

  I’d love to have Nana staying with us.

  Dave:

  No way.

  Barbara:

  D’you lot…? This is my mother we’re talking about here. You can’t leave her on her own, when she’s not well with no one to talk to.

  Jim:

  It’s a shame the cataract’s not on her tongue.

  Barbara:

  All right. That’ll do Jim.

  Jim:

  Is there any chance of a brew here?

  Barbara:

  Well our Antony isn’t here. He’s gone out with Emma.

  Jim:

  Well what time will he be back? I’m bloody gagging here.

  Barbara:

  I don’t know. He won’t be late. Ey, our Denise, you should see her. She’s only seventeen you know and she’s got a car. Tiny little thing she is.

  Denise:

  She’s got her own car?

  Barbara:

  Yeah.

  Denise:

  What’s she doing with our Antony then?

  Barbara:

  Oh, I don’t know.

  Dave:

  Antony going out with a bird with a car, eh?

  Jim:

  She’s the one that needs the cataract operation, eh? Who’d want to go out with our Lurch?

  Denise:

  What’s she look like?

  Barbara:

  She looks like one of the Spice Girls, you know.

  Denise:

  Does she?

  Barbara:

  Um. Oh ey, Denise, she’s got her nose pierced.

  Jim:

  Bloody ‘ell. Piggy Spice.

  Denise:

  Dave.

  Dave:

  Umm.

  Denise:

  Why don’t you take your coat off?

  Dave:

  I’m all right.

  Denise:

  You may as well take it off, Dave.

  Dave:

  It’s all right. I’m okay.

  Denise:

  Why don’t you just take it off?

  Dave:

  I’m fine with it on.

  Barbara:

  Take your jacket off, Dave.

  Dave:

  No, I’m okay, Barbara.

  Barbara:

  You won’t feel the benefit you know when you go out.

  Dave:

  It doesn’t matter.

  Denise:

  Why don’t you just take it off?

  Jim:

  Take your bloody jacket off will you, Dave.

  Dave:

  Bloody ‘ell.

  Jim:

  Bloody ‘ell’s right.

  Dave:

  I was all right there with that on.

  Barbara:

  Much better.

  Denise:

  See.

  BIG PAUSE. THEY WATCH TELLY.

  Denise:

  Dave.

  Dave:

  Um.

  Denise:

  We could strip the floorboards in our kitchen.

  Dave:

  You’re joking aren’t you? It’s good lino we’ve got in there.

  Jim:

  You don’t want to be doing that, love. You don’t want to be getting splinters in your bloody feet while you’re dashing over a hot stove. Has she, eh, she cooked you a little meal yet, Dave?

  Dave:

  Not a meal.

  Denise:

  Dad. Dave has his dinner at the chippy. He doesn’t need a big meal when he comes in.

  Jim:

  Ah, just as well, eh.

  Denise:

  Ooh, look at masterchef. You’ve never ever cooked a meal either.

  Dave:

  Eh, you’re all right though, he’ll get plenty of practice next week making dinners for him and Norma.

  Jim:

  Aye, you’re bloody right there. The only time she’s quiet is when she’s got her gob full.

  A CAR PULLS UP OUTSIDE.

  Denise:

  Oh, bet that’s our Antony.

  Dave:

  Oh, let’s have a look. Oh, it is him. It is him.

  DAVE AND DENISE ARE AT THE WINDOW.

  Denise:

  Ah. Ah, he’s kissing her.

  Dave:

  Hey, she looks all right her.

  Denise:

  Yeah.

  Dave:

  Nice set of alloys.

  Denise:

  I like her hair. Why is she going out with our Antony? Oh he’s getting out! He’s getting out, he’s getting out.

  Dave:

  He’s getting out.

  Barbara:

  He’s getting out, Jim.

  Denise:

  Oh no, he’s still talking to her – oh, look at him, with his hand on the roof, leaning in the window. He’s coming.

  DENISE AND DAVE QUICKLY SIT DOWN. PAUSE. ANTONY COMES IN. THEY ALL SING ‘THAT’S AMORE’.

  Dave:

  Eh, nice little car that, Ant. Is it comfy on the back seat?

  Antony:

  How old are you lot?

  Jim:

  Okay, Romeo, now get the kettle on. We’re all bloody parched here.

  Denise:

  Why didn’t you bring her in, Antony?

  Antony:

  Well why d’you think?

  Barbara:

  Antony, you’re back early aren’t you, love?

  Antony:

  Well, yeah, Emma’s got an exam tomorrow.

  Denise/Dave/Jim:

  Whooooooh.

  Dave:

  Eleven plus?

  Jim:

  Ey, where’s she from, Lurch?

  Antony:

  Altrincham.

  Jim:

  Ooh. Hey Barb, we’ll be made up when they’re married, won’t we.

  Antony:

  You’re worse than a bunch of kids you lot.

  Jim:

  (TO ANTONY) I thought you were gonna put the kettle on.

  Antony:

  All right, who wants a brew?

  Jim:

  Every-bloody-body. God, see what happens when you fall in love, it makes you dead lazy.

  ANTONY GOES INTO KITCHEN.

  THEY WATCH TELLY. PAUSE.

  Barbara:

  Have you had your teas?

  Denise/Dave:

  Yes.

  Barbara:

  What did you have?

  Denise:

  Spaghetti.

  Barbara:

  Bolognese?

  Denise:

  Hoops.

  Barbara:

  Oh. We had chops.

  Denise:

  Did you?

  Barbara:

  Yeah.

  Jim:

  Bloody big thick ones like that. (PAUSE) How’s work going, Dave?

  Dave:

  It’s no good – the money’s hopeless.

  Jim:

  They’re only paying you from the n
eck down, see.

  Dave:

  I had a nightmare today moving this woman who was just splitting up from her husband. We were shifting the stuff out into the van, he was coming out taking it all back in again. I hate handling divorces.

  Jim:

  Bloody ‘ell, Dave, you’re not Petro-bloody-celli son, you’re just a furniture remover.

  Dave:

  I know, but she was crying and all sorts.

  Barbara:

  Aah, was she?

  Dave:

  Yeah. We had to hang around ages waiting for a brew, you know, till she stopped crying.

  Denise:

  Aaah.

  Barbara:

  Aah, in’t it awful?

  Denise:

  What were they splitting up over?

  Dave:

  I didn’t really go that deep into it.

  Barbara:

  Ooh, it’s terrible really, in’t it?

  Denise:

  Yeah.

  Dave:

  Umm.

  Barbara:

  They’re splitting up and there’s our Antony finding love.

  ANTONY COMES OUT WITH THE TEA.

  All:

  Ah.

  Jim:

  Thank you, Lurchio.

  Barbara:

  Thanks, love.

  Antony:

  Ey, Denise, eh, are you goin’ down there tomorrow?

  Denise:

  Where?

  Antony:

  Kissing me arse.

  Barbara:

  Eh, I hope you don’t say things like that to Emma.

  Jim:

  Tell you what she’s a lucky girl that Emma. She’s landed on her feet with you all right, hasn’t she, eh? What with your prospects, is it gonna be Burger King, McDonald’s, who knows? I bet they must have riveting bloody conversations. I hope she likes The Simpsons.

  Barbara:

  Do you know who your dad reminds me of in The Simpsons?

  EVERYONE LAUGHS. ‘WAAAY’. JIM GIVES BARBARA A DIRTY LOOK.

  Denise:

  Who?

  Barbara:

  Homo.

  Dave:

  Homo.

  Barbara:

  Ooh, look at his face. He doesn’t like it when we laugh at him, does he?

  Jim:

  They’re laughing at you, you dopy bugger. It’s not Homo, it’s Homer.

  Barbara:

  Hey, any biscuits, Ant?

  Antony:

  No, there was none in the barrel.

  Barbara:

  Go and have a look in the secret cupboard.

  Denise:

  (POINTING AT TEA) Dave.

  DAVE PASSES DENISE HER TEA.

  Dave:

  Careful.

  Denise:

  Ta.

  ANTONY GOES TO KITCHEN AND SHOUTS THROUGH.

  Anthony:

  (GOV): Shall I open the Wagon Wheels?

  Jim/Dave/Barbara:

  No.

  Denise:

  Yeah.

  Antony:

  Kit-Kats?

  Denise/Jim/Barbara/Dave:

  No.

  Jim:

  Bring us a Penguin.

  Denise:

  Can’t we open them all?

  Barbara:

  I’m only opening one packet. If I open more than one packet it’ll get ate. That’s the trouble in this house – every time I open something it disappears.

  Denise:

  The baby wants a Wagon Wheel.

  Barbara:

  Aah. (SHOUTS TO ANTONY) Antony, open the Wagon Wheels, don’t open the Kit-Kats. Some Penguins and some Club biscuits already open.

  Dave:

  (SHOUTS TO ANTONY) Ey, and save some biscuits for next week for Nana and Homo.

  Barbara:

  What did I call Homo before?

  Dave:

  Homer.

  Barbara:

  Oh yeah, oh what am I like? (TO ANTONY) Eh just one.

  ANTONY COMES IN WITH BISCUITS.

  Barbara:

  Do you want one, Dave?

  Dave:

  Oh yeah, I’ll have a Club, please, ta.

  Barbara:

  (TO DENISE) Wagon Wheel. (TO JIM) Penguin.

  Jim:

  Thank you.

  Barbara:

  I’ll have this one.

  Dave:

  (SINGS) ‘If you like a lot of chocolate on your biscuit join our Club.’

  DENISE LAUGHS.

  Jim:

  ‘If you’re feeling p-p-p-peckish, p-p-p-pick up a Penguin!’

  Barbara:

  (SINGS) ‘Only the crumbliest, flakiest chocolate, tastes like chocolate never tasted before.’

  Jim:

  Who remembers this one? (SINGS) ‘She flies like a bird in the sky…’

  Jim/Dave/Denise/Barbara:

  (ALL JOIN IN) ‘She flies like a bird and I wish that she was mine. She flies like a bird, oh me, oh my I’ve seen her fly, now I know, I can’t let Maggie go.’

  Jim:

  For two points Dave, what was that advert for?

  Dave:

  Nimble. ‘Real bread, but lighter.’

  Jim:

  Correct.

  Dave:

  Whooh.

  Jim:

  Correct, young man.

  PAUSE. THEY ALL EAT CHOCOLATE BISCUITS.

  Jim:

  Do you know what the best advert was, bar none: Cadbury’s Smash. (ROBOT’S VOICE) ‘We peel them with our steely knives.’

  Barbara:

  Aah, you know the one I like best, that tea ad with all the chimps.

  All:

  Ah yeah.

  Barbara:

  How do they get them to do that, Jim?

  Jim:

  I don’t know, but I tell you what, I wish I could get them chimp trainers to spend a couple of weeks with our Antony teaching him to make a proper bloody brew.

  PAUSE.

  Denise:

  Dave.

  Dave:

  Umm.

  Denise:

  Finished now.

  DAVE PUTS DENISE’S CUP ON THE TABLE.

  Denise:

  I’m dying for a wee.

  Barbara:

  Bet you’re going loads now aren’t you, now you’re pregnant.

  Denise:

  Yeah. It’s knackering me out.

  Barbara:

  Why don’t you go now and get it over with?

  Denise:

  I’ve just got comfy.

  Barbara:

  Aah. You know I’d go for you if I could, don’t ya?

  Denise:

  Yeah, thanks.

  PAUSE.

  Barbara:

  What’ve you been doing today?

  Denise:

  I’ve been dead busy.

  Barbara:

  Ooh, so have I. (PAUSE). Ey, did you see Jerry Springer!

  Denise:

  Yeah, I was dead mad, ‘cause I fell asleep and missed Pet Rescue.

  Barbara:

  Oh.

  Jim:

  Bloody ‘ell, it’ll be like that here next week when your nana’s here. It’ll be bloody Trisha, then Kilroy, then Richard and Judy.

  Barbara:

  Ooh, and don’t forget Jim, you’ll have to tape Kilroy for her if she’s watching Trisha – or the other way round.

  Jim:

  Bloody ‘ell, is she gonna watch all these with just the one eye?

  Barbara:

  Well she can’t have both her cataracts done at the same time, can she?

  Jim:

  So she’s gonna be staying here again when she has the other one done?

  Barbara:

  Yes.

  Jim:

  Bloody hell fire.

  Antony:

  Dave, how d’you go about getting a gig in the Feathers?

  Barbara:

  Antony, you haven’t told them about your new venture.

  Dave:

>   What is it?

  Antony:

  Well, I’m managing a band.

  DENISE, DAVE AND JIM LAUGH.

  Jim:

  Bloody ‘ell. It’s Brian Epstein.

  Dave:

  A band.

  Denise:

  You’re managing a band? Who’s in it?

  Antony:

  Well Darren’s on bass, Ryan’s singing and Tiggsy’s on drums.

  Denise:

  Little Tiggsy on drums!

  Antony:

  Yeah. Well, more of a drum machine. But yeah.

  Dave:

  I’ve gotta see this.

  Antony:

  Can you get us a gig at the Feathers or what?

  Dave:

  Well you’re the manager, aren’t you? Anyway what do they sound like?

  Antony:

  Sort of a cross between Oasis and the Manics.

  Dave:

  What sort of stuff do they do?

  Antony:

  Ah well, we do a cover of Wonderwall and eh, a song Ryan wrote about his son – ‘Access All Areas’.

  Barbara:

  Ryan’s never seen his son.

  Antony:

  Well yeah, that’s what the song’s about – he can’t get access.

  Barbara:

  Aah.

  Dave:

  Bloody ‘ell.

  Denise:

  So what’s the name of this band then?

  Antony:

  Oh yeah, Exit.

  EVERYBODY LAUGHS.

  Antony:

  No. All right, listen, no listen right. It’s a marketing thing, yeah, right. Wherever we play our name’s up in lights.

  Barbara:

  Hey Antony, that’s really clever.

  Jim:

  Exit my arse.

  Dave:

  So, is there only three in this band then?

  Antony:

  No, there’s Ryan’s brother ‘n’all.

  Dave:

  What does he play?

  Antony:

  Well nowt, he’s just gonna be dancing on stage, y’know, like Bez out of the Happy Mondays – for a gimmick thing.

  Dave:

  What’re you having that for? You don’t want Lewis at the side of the stage just arsing about, do you?

  Antony:

  No, not really, but we have to – they’re his amps what we use.

  Dave:

  Ooh, bloody ‘ell. Ey, I’ve got a gig for you. You can play at our christening.

  Antony:

  Nice one.

  Denise:

  Get lost, Dave. I’m not having Exit playing ‘Access All Areas’ at our baby’s christening.

  Dave:

  Oh well, I’d have give you the gig, Ant.

  Denise:

  Dave! I’ve told you, I’m having my Charlotte Church tape at the christening – not that bunch of no-marks.

  Barbara:

  Well I think they sound great.

  Denise:

  Have you heard ‘em, Mam?

  Barbara:

  No, but I like anything musical.

  Denise:

  Our Antony, you’re only being the manager ‘cause you can’t play anything. What else does this job entail, Antony?

  Antony:

  Well, you know, just looking after them really. Making sure they get gigs, sorting out contracts with record companies ‘n’that, you know.