The Royle Family: The Scripts: Series 2 Read online

  Denise:

  No, I’m not gonna breastfeed. Been thinking about it, right, and if the baby wants a feed in the night with my breasts, it’ll mean me having to wake up. Well, if it’s bottle-fed and everything, Dave can do it, you know, when you’re not there? ‘Cause I’ve got to keep my independence, that’s the thing.

  Barbara:

  Ooh yeah – yeah, you must keep your independence. Anyway, the bottled stuff’s just as good.

  Denise:

  D’you know what size it is now?

  Barbara:

  Ooh no, what size?

  Denise:

  Erm, what was it again, Dave?

  Dave:

  I dunno.

  Denise:

  Oh, what was it? Oh yeah, the size of a little nut.

  Barbara:

  A little nut.

  Denise:

  Yeah.

  Barbara:

  Ah, Denise. A nut. Ah Dave. Eh, Dave, are you gonna be changing the nappies?

  Dave:

  Oh aye, I’m gonna get involved, me.

  Barbara:

  Aah, oh ey, it’s all different nowadays.

  Denise:

  Yeah, bet Dad never changed our nappies.

  Barbara:

  Oh, did he hell.

  Jim:

  No, I’m still wiping her arse now twenty-odd years later.

  Barbara:

  Jim.

  Jim:

  Well…

  Denise:

  Oh, do you know what Dave’s getting? You know one of those things you put there and then you put the baby in it there and then you carry it around.

  Jim:

  Are you Dave? (JIM LAUGHS. DOES LIMP WRIST).

  Dave:

  That’s not definite yet, Denise.

  Denise:

  Dave, you said you were.

  Dave:

  Well, I’m not – I’m not – I’m not definite about that yet.

  Denise:

  Dave, I’ll have been carrying it around in me belly for nine months all on me own.

  Barbara:

  You can always leave it here you know, when you’re shopping.

  Jim:

  ‘Leave it here?’ It’s their bloody baby.

  PAUSE.

  Denise:

  We’re not gonna be able to have a nanny straight away, you know.

  Barbara:

  Aah.

  Jim:

  What bloody nanny?

  Denise:

  Well I can’t look after it full-time. I’ve got to keep my independence, Dad.

  Jim:

  What bloody independence? Sitting on your arse all day watching Richard and Judy?

  Barbara:

  Well, I think she’s right.

  Jim:

  Well, why don’t you leave the baby here and just come and visit the bugger once a week.

  ANTONY RETURNS WITH POMAGNE.

  Antony:

  Eh, I got some Asti.

  THEY ALL CHEER.

  Denise:

  Oh, I love Asti.

  Jim:

  Change please.

  Antony:

  Oh ey, Denise, I saw Duckers and I told him and he was made up about the baby, so.

  Denise:

  What you telling people about the baby for? It’s mine and Dave’s baby. Mam, will you tell Antony to stop telling everyone?

  Barbara:

  Stop telling everyone, Antony.

  Antony:

  I’ve only told Duckers.

  Denise:

  Oh, cheers. So Duckers knows about it before me own nana.

  Jim:

  Your own bloody nana’s more bloody interested in bloody Coronation Street than the baby.

  Barbara:

  Jim. How many bloodies is that? (SHE GETS OUT THE GLASSES) Anyway, c’mon, let’s celebrate.

  SHE PUTS OUT GLASSES AND JIM OPENS POMAGNE.

  Jim:

  Here we go. Here we go, here we go. Nice one, Barb.

  Barbara:

  Now watch these glasses here. Be very careful with them.

  Denise:

  Loads for me. I’m drinking for two.

  Barbara:

  All right. Right, pass that over please.

  Jim:

  Lots more here please, Barb, for your little husband. Ladies and gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure to be able to say that, er, we know that Dave isn’t firing blanks.

  ANTONY KILLS HIMSELF LAUGHING. THEY ALL RAISE THEIR GLASSES: ‘WAAAY’.

  Dave:

  I’m no Jaffa.

  Antony:

  Eh, might not even be Dave’s.

  Denise:

  Antony, why do you have to spoil everything? Course it’s Dave’s.

  Barbara:

  Of course it’s Dave’s.

  Dave:

  Course it’s mine.

  Jim:

  Anyway, right. To David, Denise and little Keanu – all the best.

  All:

  Keanu!

  Denise:

  Or Whitney.

  THEY CLINK GLASSES.

  All:

  Or Whitney!

  Jim:

  Ey Denise, I’m made up for you. (TO ANTONY) Ey, don’t neck it, Antony.

  Antony:

  Can I have another?

  Jim:

  No you can’t. I’m absolutely made up with you being pregnant because, you know, if it was left up to old gay boy over there, we’d never have any grandkids.

  Barbara:

  Ooh, Jim – it’s a celebration.

  BARBARA LIGHTS UP.

  Jim:

  Oh he’s a little old bummer. I’ll tell you what, it’s worth a few extra bob that, innit?

  Barbara:

  Dave, are you gonna be at the birth?

  Dave:

  Ooh aye. I wouldn’t miss that, Barbara.

  Barbara:

  Aah.

  Jim:

  You’re not, are you, Dave? Ooh, you’re not going at the goal end are you? (HE CLOSES HIS LEGS)

  Dave:

  No.

  Barbara:

  Least he won’t be in the pub like you were.

  Jim:

  I couldn’t get in between you and your mother on the bloody day.

  Denise:

  You’re gonna be there ‘n’all, Mam?

  Barbara:

  Ooh yeah.

  Denise:

  I’m gonna ask Cheryl ‘n’all.

  Jim:

  Why don’t you just put a turnstile in the maternity ward.

  PAUSE.

  Denise:

  Oh, I’ve not even told Cheryl yet. Antony, go and get Cheryl.

  Antony:

  You go and get her.

  Denise:

  I’ve got to rest – I’m with child.

  Jim:

  Ey, Lurch, go on. Do as your bloody sister asks ya. Where does he get it from, him?

  ANTONY EXITS.

  Denise:

  (SHOUTS) Don’t you go telling her. I wanna tell her. (PAUSE). Eh, I’m gonna ask Cheryl to be godmother.

  Barbara:

  Are you?

  Denise:

  Yeah.

  Barbara:

  Aah.

  Denise:

  Well, she’ll be great, Cheryl.

  Barbara:

  Ooh yeah.

  Denise:

  And if I ask her to be godmother, she’ll never mind when I ask her to babysit.

  Jim:

  Why don’t you just get the baby adopted, too? Bloody ‘ell there’s nothing like a mother’s love is there?

  Barbara:

  Denise.

  Denise:

  Mmmm?

  Barbara:

  Are you going to ask Antony to be godfather?

  Denise:

  No. Anyway, Dave wants Gary.

  Barbara:

  Oh, do you, Dave?

  Dave:

  Well, his mum died recently Barbara, y’know, and I owe him
two hundred quid, y’know, so it should hold him off for a bit, y’know.

  Barbara:

  Oh, yes. Yeah.

  PAUSE.

  Denise:

  Mam, where’s Antony with Cheryl?

  Jim:

  He’ll be a while yet, won’t he. He’ll still be trying to prise her bloody head out of the fridge. I’m gonna move this anyway, before she spots it.

  Denise:

  He’d better not have said anything.

  Barbara:

  Don’t worry, he won’t.

  WE HEAR SINGING – CLIFF RICHARD’S ‘CONGRATULATIONS AND CELEBRATIONS…’, ETC, AS MARY AND CHERYL RUN IN SINGING, FOLLOWED BY JOE (NOT SINGING) WHO LAGS BEHIND. MARY AND CHERYL KISS DENISE AND DAVE.

  Mary:

  Oh, congratulations.

  Denise:

  Thanks, Mary.

  Mary:

  I’m so pleased for you both. Ooh, Dave!

  Dave:

  Thanks, Mary.

  MARY KISSES BARBARA. SHE TURNS TO JIM, DECIDES AGAINST KISSING HIM.

  Mary:

  It’s lovely, isn’t it; Jim?

  Cheryl:

  I can’t believe it now, we were only watching the wedding video again last night. Isn’t that weird?

  Barbara:

  Weird.

  Jim:

  All right, Joe? What do you think of the news?

  Joe:

  Oh, aye.

  Mary:

  I knew you were pregnant, Denise, as soon as Antony said it.

  Denise:

  Aah.

  Denise:

  Cheryl, guess who I want to be godmother?

  Cheryl:

  Who?

  Denise:

  You!

  Cheryl:

  Ooh, Denise.

  Mary:

  Oh, sweet Jesus!

  Jim:

  That’s just ‘cause she’ll babysit all the bloody time.

  Barbara:

  Oh, Jim! Take no notice of him, love.

  Cheryl:

  Oh no, I’d love to look after it all the time.

  Denise:

  Aah. Cheers, Cheryl.

  Mary:

  When’s it due?

  Denise:

  January.

  Cheryl:

  January. If it’s early January it’ll be a Capricorn, but if it’s later January then it’ll be Aquarius.

  Denise:

  Well I’m gonna try and hold on if I can till January ‘cause Dave’s Aquarius.

  Mary:

  Ooh, are you an Aquarius, Dave?

  Dave:

  Yeah, I am, yeah.

  Mary:

  Joe’s Aquarius.

  Barbara:

  Ooh, are you Aquarius, Joe?

  Joe:

  Yeah.

  Jim:

  Let’s hope the baby’s Capricorn then, eh. Oh ey, Joe, do you want to go to the birth? Our Denise is organizing a coach trip.

  PAUSE.

  Joe:

  A little baby, eh? A little baby.

  Cheryl:

  God, I can’t believe it – I’m so made up. Denise, you can eat for two now.

  Denise:

  Eh, Dave’s got to come with me to ante-natal classes.

  Jim/Antony:

  Ooooooh.

  Jim:

  What are you going there for, soft lad?

  Dave:

  I’ve got to learn about everything, haven’t I?

  Jim:

  Well, what’s there to bloody learn? You feed the bugger when it’s hungry, change it’s nappy when it’s crapped itself -that’s all there is to it.

  Barbara:

  Oh, and what do you know? You never came near these two when they were little.

  Mary:

  Joe was the same. I always remember when Cheryl was born, he was terrified of holding her – she was such a delicate little thing. She was only six pounds.

  Jim:

  Who was? Cheryl?

  Barbara:

  (POINTEDLY) Yes.

  Mary:

  They don’t stay small for long.

  Barbara:

  No. How’s your diet going, Cheryl?

  Cheryl:

  Oh, I’ve lost half a stone.

  Barbara:

  Have you? Ooh Cheryl, oh, that’s wonderful. Aah. Well done.

  Denise:

  That’s a load, that, Cheryl.

  PAUSE.

  Cheryl:

  No! I don’t mean half a stone, I mean half a pound.

  Barbara:

  Ooh.

  Denise:

  Ooh well.

  Barbara:

  Well. That’s good in’t it – ey, eh it’s going in the right direction.

  Denise:

  Yeah.

  JIM AND DAVE EXCHANGE LOOKS.

  Mary:

  Yes. It’s marvellous.

  Barbara:

  Oh, your turn next, Cheryl.

  Mary:

  Yes. All she needs to do now, is find a boyfriend, get married and then conceive.

  REFLECTIVE PAUSE. JIM AND DAVE EXCHANGE LOOKS.

  Joe:

  She’s got not chance.

  Mary:

  Denise pregnant, and do you know Lorraine in her leggings sterilized!

  Barbara:

  Yeah. I’ve just been telling our Denise.

  Denise:

  Yeah.

  Jim:

  I tell you what, Joe, we’ll have a bloody good night in the Feathers the night the baby’s born.

  Joe:

  Right.

  Dave:

  Oh aye – big style.

  Denise:

  You’re not going.

  Dave:

  Course I’m going.

  Denise:

  Oh, cheers, you all have a great time, I do all the hard work.

  Jim:

  Well, it’ll be the first time you’ve done any bloody hard work and anyway, he’s done his little bit, now, haven’t you son?

  Barbara:

  Oh, Jim! Don’t spoil it.

  Mary:

  Ooh, they have them in and out of hospitals now, Barbara. Not like it was with us – we were in a week!

  Barbara:

  Yeah. I remember when I came home with our Denise, there wasn’t a thing done in the house. Jim hadn’t even washed a dish while I’d been in.

  Jim:

  I was leaving them to soak.

  Mary:

  Well, we’d better be going – The Bill’s on in a bit. We just wanted to say congratulations. Are you staying, Cheryl?

  Cheryl:

  No, no, I’ll have my tea then I’ll come back later – will you still be here?

  Denise:

  Yeah.

  Cheryl:

  See you later.

  Jim:

  You don’t want to be missing your tea, love. You’ll be bloody wasting away.

  Mary:

  Really lovely news.

  Denise:

  Ah, thanks Mary. Bye.

  GENERAL ‘SEE YOU LATER’.

  MARY, JOE AND CHERYL LEAVE.

  All:

  Bye.

  Jim:

  Ta-ta, Joe.

  Dave:

  Bye, Joe.

  Jim:

  Bloody ‘ell, I thought they were never going. Tell you what though, Joe was made up about the baby, wasn’t he?

  All:

  Yeah.

  Dave:

  Yeah, he was, yeah.

  Antony:

  (JOE STYLE) Aye. A little baby.

  DAVE AND ANTONY KILL THEMSELVES LAUGHING.

  Jim:

  Got a great personality though, hasn’t he. Apparently the South Bank Show are gonna do a one-hour special on him. (THEY ALL LAUGH) Well, they are. (PAUSE. RUBS HIS HANDS) Right, where’s me newspaper? I’m off to the khazi to try for a little baby of me own.

  Barbara:

  Jim.

  Denise:

  Dad!

  Dave:
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  Eh, be careful of them stairs, grandad.

  Jim:

  Bloody ‘ell, yeah. Grandad. (SHOT OF JIM HALFWAY UP THE STAIRS) Keanu my arse.

  END OF EPISODE ONE.

  Episode 2

  Sunday Dinner

  SUNDAY LUNCHTIME

  DENISE AND NANA ARE SITTING ON THE SETTEE, WATCHING EASTENDERS. BARBARA IS SLAVING AWAY IN A STEAMY KITCHEN, UP TO HER ELBOWS IN PANS.

  Nana:

  Denise, there was a woman from Droylsden on Richard and Judy – having a makeover.

  Denise:

  Oh.

  Nana:

  Well it’s only ten minutes from me. (SHE CALLS OUT) Barbara!

  Barbara:

  (OOV): Yes. (COMES IN, FLUSTERED) What, Mam?

  Nana:

  I was just telling Denise, there was a woman on Richard and Judy from Droylsden. She was having a makeover.

  Barbara:

  Well, what about it?

  Nana:

  Well it’s only ten minutes from me. (BARBARA GOES BACK INTO THE KITCHEN) Ooh they did her hair lovely – it was sort of, um, a reddish tint you know, like one of them Red Setter dogs and they did all her make-up and it was all free – and they gave her an outfit to take home. It was for her wedding anniversary and they put her in, eh, like a pastel-blue – do you remember that blue scarf I had Denise?

  Nana:

  Well, it was that sort of a blue. Blue-ish. (SHOUTS) She knew nothing about it Barbara.

  Barbara:

  (OOV): What?

  WE MOVE TO THE KITCHEN. ON BARBARA, HASSLED. ANTONY COMES IN THE BACK DOOR.

  Antony:

  Oh great – I’m starving.

  Barbara:

  Set the table for me will you, love.

  Antony:

  I’ve just come in, why can’t Denise do it?

  Barbara:

  ‘Cause she’s pregnant.

  Antony:

  Yeah, yeah, great excuse.

  ANTONY GOES INTO LIVING ROOM.

  Antony:

  Hiya, Nana.

  Nana:

  Hiya, love. Have you been playing your football, Antony?

  Antony:

  Yeah. We won.

  Nana:

  Oh, lovely. I was just telling Denise, there was a woman from Droylsden on Richard and Judy on Friday – having a makeover.

  Antony:

  (LAYING THE TABLE) Oh, right.

  Nana:

  She knew nothing about it – her daughter sorted it out for her anniversary.

  Barbara:

  Where are those two? I told them to be back for two o’clock.

  Antony:

  I’ll go and get’em.

  Denise:

  Don’t let him go, Mam – he only wants a lager out of ‘em. If you let him go, they’ll be there all afternoon.

  Barbara:

  Ooh yeah. Yeah, yeah you stay where you are, Antony.

  Denise:

  Antony, you had a shower after footie?

  Antony:

  I’ll get one later.

  Denise:

  I’m prone to infections now I’m pregnant. Bet you’re riddled with germs. Mam, Antony’s full of germs.

  Barbara:

  Wash your hands, Antony.

  KEY IN THE DOOR. JIM, DAVE AND TWIGGY COME IN. THEY TAKE THEIR COATS OFF AND PUT THEM ON THE SETTEE.