The Royle Family: The Scripts: Series 2 Read online

  Caroline Aherne & Craig Cash

  The Royle Family – Scripts Series 2

  2000, EN

  When The Royle Family was first shown in 1998 the critics were ecstatic. Now, to accompany transmission of a second series on the BBC, here are the unedited scripts in all their glorious, perfectly articulated banality. With an introduction by Caroline Aherne and Craig Cash and a colour plate section of photos from the series, this is an absolute must have for all fans of The Royle Family, Experience again all your favourite scenes, funniest moments and the most amusing one-liners.

  Table of contents

  Introduction

  Episode 1: Nana’s coming to Stay

  Episode 2: Sunday Dinner

  Episode 3: Pregnancy

  Episode 4: Sunday Lunch

  Episode 5: Barbara’s Finally Had Enough

  Episode 6: Antony’s Birthday

  Episode 7: The Royle Family at Christmas

  Insert

  Introduction

  Introduction, my arse!

  Love,

  Caroline Aherne and Craig Cash

  (A small drinking club, Soho, July 2000)

  Episode 1

  Nana’s coming to Stay

  LIVING ROOM

  JIM, BARBARA AND ANTONY ALL WATCHING TV

  Barbara:

  Don’t it look lovely there.

  Jim:

  Bermuda my arse.

  Barbara:

  She’s looking her age though in’t she, Judith Chalmers.

  Jim:

  I don’t know. How old is she?

  Barbara:

  I don’t know.

  JIM LOOKS AT BARBARA. PAUSE.

  Barbara:

  She’s got some lovely wrap-round skirts though. Who do you think’s the oldest, her or Gloria Hunniford, Jim? Jim?

  Jim:

  What?

  Barbara:

  Who do you think’s the eldest, her or Gloria Hunniford?

  Jim:

  I couldn’t give a shiny shite. Bloody ‘ell, Barb.

  BARBARA SHAKES HER HEAD. PAUSE.

  Antony:

  Eh, y’know Darren’s cousin, Steve?

  Barbara:

  Yeah.

  Antony:

  He’s been abroad twice this year.

  Barbara:

  Ooh.

  Jim:

  Oh aye, where did he go to, lad?

  Antony:

  Ah, he went to Magaluf in February and, eh, Lloret de Mar in July.

  Jim:

  He’s hardly Alan bloody, Whicker is he? Na, them foreign holidays are a swizz. Them bloody travel agents ripping every bugger off and mugs like him fall for it.

  Barbara:

  What they falling for, Jim?

  Jim:

  Well, there’s nothing you can do abroad that you can’t do here. It just costs you twice as bloody much.

  Barbara:

  They’re on their holidays – they’re having a good time.

  Jim:

  Having a good time, my arse. They spend half the time on the khazi, don’t they, having the wild shites. You may as well do that here in the comfort of your own home.

  Barbara:

  You are a miserable sod, Jim, you are.

  PAUSE. ANTONY LAUGHS.

  DOORBELL RINGS.

  Jim:

  Get that door will ya, Antony, and if it’s the invisible man, tell him, I can’t see him. (LAUGHS) The invisible man.

  DENISE AND DAVE ARE AT THE LIVING ROOM DOOR.

  Denise:

  Hi ya.

  Antony:

  It’s all right, it’s only Dave and Denise.

  DENISE AND DAVE ENTER. THEY ALL SAY ‘HI YA’. THEY SIT DOWN.

  Jim:

  Y’all right, Dave?

  Barbara:

  Y’all right, love?

  Denise:

  Yeah.

  Barbara:

  You all right, Dave?

  Dave:

  Yeah.

  Barbara:

  Aah.

  THEY ALL WATCH TELLY.

  Barbara:

  Have you had your teas?

  Denise/Dave:

  Yeah.

  PAUSE.

  Barbara:

  Aah. What d’ya have?

  Denise:

  Dairylea on toast.

  Jim:

  Bloody ‘ell, I bet you were looking forward to that all day, eh, Dave? Woo. Working hard, waiting to get home to that little delicacy.

  Denise:

  Shut it, Dad.

  Jim:

  Bloody ‘ell girl, Dairylea on toast. Come on now. Eh? Delia Smith’s got nothing to worry about, has she.

  Denise:

  I made it meself.

  Dad:

  Go ‘way.

  Dave:

  I don’t mind Dairylea, me.

  PAUSE.

  Barbara:

  Can I make you a nice bacon butty, Dave?

  Dave:

  Oh yeah, please Barbara, that’d be lovely.

  DAVE CATCHES DENISE’S EYE.

  Barbara:

  Go and put some bacon on for us will ya, Antony.

  ANTONY GOES TO KITCHEN.

  Denise:

  (TO DAVE) You’re making a right show of me, Dave. You said that was enough for ya.

  Dave:

  It’s only a bit of bacon.

  Jim:

  Aye, a bit of my bloody bacon.

  Denise:

  Oh Antony, put some under for me ‘n’ all.

  CUT TO JIM’S FACE. PAUSE. ALL CONTINUE TO WATCH TELLY.

  Denise:

  Dad.

  Dad:

  What?

  Denise:

  Your fly-hole’s all undone.

  Jim:

  (ZIPPING IT UP) Ah, the cage might be open but the beast is asleep.

  Barbara:

  Beast my arse.

  CUT TO JIM’S FACE. PAUSE. ALL CONTINUE TO WATCH TELLY.

  PAUSE.

  Denise:

  Mam.

  Barbara:

  Umm.

  Denise:

  Mam, can you ask our Antony to make my bacon dead, dead crispy.

  Barbara:

  Yeah, Antony, can you make Denise’s bacon dead, dead crispy.

  PAUSE. ALL WATCHING TV. BARBARA LIGHTS UP.

  Barbara:

  (OFFERING CIGGY) ‘Ere y’are love.

  Denise:

  Oh, no thanks.

  JIM AND BARBARA LOOK OVER AT DENISE.

  Barbara:

  What’s up with yer?

  Denise:

  Nothing.

  Barbara:

  Have you given up?

  Denise:

  Yeah.

  Barbara:

  You’ve always loved smoking.

  Denise:

  Yeah well, me and Dave’s got something to tell ya.

  Dave:

  You said you weren’t gonna-say owt?

  Denise:

  Yeah, I know, well, I am now.

  Dave:

  You said it was a big secret.

  Denise:

  Yeah, but that was this morning. Mam, Dad, we’re pregnant.

  Jim:

  Bloody ‘ell. Put it there, David. Well done. Well done, lad.

  Dave:

  Thanks, James.

  Jim:

  Come here my little glow-worm. Well done. Well done, love.

  Barbara:

  Oh, I can’t believe it. I can’t believe it.

  JIM STANDS UP, GOES OVER TO DENISE ON THE SETTEE AND GIVES HER A KISS.

  Barbara:

  (CALLS OUT TO KITCHEN) Oh,
er, Antony, our Denise and Dave are having a baby.

  Antony:

  (STICKS HEAD ROUND DOOR) Oh, nice one.

  Jim:

  Put a bit of bacon under for the baby will ya, lad.

  Denise:

  I can’t believe our Antony, there’s a new life forming in my womb. He’s not even arsed.

  Barbara:

  Ooh, God, Denise. Ooh, I’ll have to have a ciggy. When’s it due?

  Denise:

  In January.

  Barbara:

  January. Oh, are you pleased, Dave?

  Dave:

  Yeah. Delighted.

  Jim:

  Well, they don’t come cheap you know, son. You’ll have to get stuck in there now, get in all the overtime you can. (TO DENISE) Well done, Denise. Eh, at least you can do something bloody properly.

  Barbara:

  I can’t believe it. I can’t believe it. I can’t.

  Denise:

  Can you believe it?

  Barbara:

  Yeah.

  BARBARA BLOWS SMOKE ON DENISE AND WAVES IT AWAY.

  Denise:

  Oh no, no I like it. Ooh, lovely. Aah, Mam. Aah. Aah, Mam. Aah, Dave, look at me mam.

  Dave:

  I know.

  Denise:

  Aah.

  Barbara:

  Do you know, I’ve been waiting for this day all my life.

  Denise/Dave:

  (TOGETHER) Aah.

  Barbara:

  I can’t tell you how happy you’ve made me.

  Denise:

  Aah.

  Barbara:

  Are your mam and dad pleased, Dave?

  Dave:

  Well, I’ve not really told them yet, Barbara, you know with it being a secret ‘n’ all.

  Barbara:

  Oh, yeah. Ah, Jim, our first grandchild.

  Jim:

  I know, I can’t bloody believe it.

  Barbara:

  When did you find out?

  Denise:

  Well, me period was late, right, (JIM SHOOTS A LOOK OF DISDAIN) and then I was really really sick, but I thought, oh, you know, it was just a hangover ‘cause the night before we’d had a lock-in at the Feathers. But then the next day I was really sick again so I went down Boots, right, and got a pregnancy kit – ten quid they are – and, ‘em anyway, the line came up in the square window.

  Barbara:

  (REALLY EXCITED) Oh, Denise – the square window.

  Denise:

  Yes. So I was shouting for Dave at the top of the stairs -but he was watching something on telly. What was you watching, Dave?

  Dave:

  Never Mind the Buzzcocks.

  Denise:

  And ‘em, then he come up. And I’m like this: ‘Hey Daddy, Daddy, guess what?’, like that to him, didn’t I, Dave?

  Dave:

  Ummm.

  Barbara:

  And did he know what you meant?

  Denise/Dave:

  (TOGETHER) No, no.

  Denise:

  But then I said, you know, ‘Dave, I’m pregnant’, like that and, er, the penny dropped, didn’t it?

  Dave:

  Yeah, straight away, yeah.

  Denise:

  And eh, then I let him have a little look in the square window.

  Barbara:

  Ooh, the square window. Bet you were delighted weren’t you, Dave?

  Dave:

  Oh yeah. Big style.

  Jim:

  Ten pounds for a bloody pregnancy test. Bloody highway robbery.

  Barbara:

  Our Denise. God.

  PAUSE. ALL WATCH TELLY.

  BARBARA AND DENISE CONTINUE TO EXCHANGE LOOBCS OF DELIGHT AND DISBELIEF. JIM LOOKS WISTFUL.

  Denise:

  Ah, do you know, last night, right, we was watching Animal Hospital and Dave had his head there on me belly and he was just talking to the baby.

  Barbara:

  Aah.

  Jim:

  Knobhead.

  Barbara:

  What do you want, Dave?

  Dave:

  A boy. Yeah.

  Denise:

  Or a girl.

  Dave:

  Or a girl, yeah. Or a girl.

  Barbara:

  Aaah.

  PAUSE.

  Barbara:

  Antony. Bring me the phone. (ANTONY GOES TO HALL TO GET PHONE) I’m gonna tell your nana.

  Denise:

  Aah. Mam, will you let me tell her?

  Barbara:

  Oh, all right then. (DIALS DELIGHTEDLY ON PHONE) Hiya, hiya, Mam. Mam, our Denise and Dave have got something very special to tell you. (PAUSE) Oh, okay then. Bye. (PUTS PHONE DOWN) Can we ring her back after Corrie.

  Jim:

  I wouldn’t ring her back for bloody spite now. Bloody old snatch.

  Barbara:

  Jim.

  Jim:

  Well…

  Denise:

  Dave’s making a start on making that box-room into a nursery.

  Barbara:

  Aah.

  Jim:

  Well, what are you gonna do with the moped that was in it?

  Denise:

  Ey, that’s going.

  Dave:

  That’s going nowhere.

  Barbara:

  Dave, you can’t put a newborn baby in with a moped.

  Dave:

  I’ll put a cover on it.

  ANTONY RETURNS AND HANDS OUT THE BUTTIES.

  Antony:

  Hey, it’s great news that, our kid. I can’t wait.

  Denise:

  Aah.

  Barbara:

  Well, give your sister a kiss. Shake Dave’s hand. Where’s your manners?

  Antony:

  Nice one, Dave.

  Dave:

  Cheers, Antony.

  Denise:

  Aah. (PAUSE) Antony, where’s the red sauce for Dave.

  Dave:

  No red sauce.

  Jim:

  Get the red sauce you lazy sod. God, he’s bone idle. Don’t know where he gets it from.

  ANTONY TUTS AND GOES BACK TO KITCHEN.

  Barbara:

  Eh, Denise, you’re eating for two now.

  Denise:

  Ooh, yeah. Aah, in’t it lovely.

  Barbara:

  Yeah.

  Denise:

  Do you know what? I really, really hope it’s a girl.

  Barbara:

  Ooh, yeah.

  Denise:

  I’m gonna get her ears pierced you know, before the christening.

  Jim:

  You can get her tattooed as well, while you’re at it.

  ANTONY RETURNS WITH SAUCE.

  Dave:

  Cheers, buddy.

  Denise:

  Hey, Antony, we’ve got you down as the main babysitter.

  Antony:

  Kiss my arse.

  Jim:

  Nice one, Lurch.

  Barbara:

  Me and Dad will do all your babysitting you know.

  JIM’S REACTION.

  Denise:

  Thanks.

  Barbara:

  Anyway, what am I thinking about? We should be celebrating. Antony, nip down the offy and get us some Pomagne.

  Jim:

  Eh, never mind Pomagne. Nothing but the best for this baby. (LOOKS IN HIS WALLET) How about the old champagne? Eh, well how much is that going to set me back?

  Antony:

  ‘Bout twenty-five quid.

  Jim:

  ‘Ere y’are, there’s a fiver -just get a bottle of Pomagne. Well, bloody ‘ell, it’s not twins, is it?

  Antony:

  Anyway, Denise, you’re not supposed to have any.

  Denise:

  Yeah, I am. I mean, I can’t get tanked up like most nights, but I can have a good old couple, can’t I, Mam?

  Barbara:

  Oh yeah. I did with you two.

  PAUSE. ANTONY GOES TO OFFY
.

  Barbara:

  Denise, have you thought about any names yet?

  Denise:

  I’ve thought about nothing else, but everything I like, he doesn’t like. If it’s a girl, I really want Whitney.

  Barbara:

  Aah, Whitney. That’s gorgeous. Whitney. What if it’s a boy?

  Denise:

  Well, I really want Keanu, but Dave wants Dave.

  Barbara:

  I don’t think you should have a Dave.

  Denise:

  No.

  Barbara:

  I mean, Dave’s Dave. What do you think, Jim?

  Jim:

  Eh? What about?

  Barbara:

  Well, if it’s a boy, Dave wants to call it Dave.

  Jim:

  (TO DAVE) Well, you’re already a Dave. What d’you want another one for? Come on, son, get a bloody grip of yourself.

  Denise:

  See.

  Dave:

  Well, it’s like handing it down, innit. I mean, my dad was Dave, and his dad, and I think his dad was as well. PAUSE. And his dad.

  Jim:

  Well it’s about time you put a bloody stop to it. C’mon.

  PAUSE.

  Barbara:

  Hey, Denise, isn’t it funny, you being pregnant…You know Lorraine across the road?

  Denise:

  Leggings Lorraine?

  Barbara:

  Yeah, she’s been sterilized.

  Denise:

  Has she?

  Barbara:

  Yeah. Well, four’s enough for any single mother.

  Jim:

  I bet it’s like a clown’s pocket there, eh Dave?

  Barbara:

  Jim.

  Jim:

  What?

  Denise:

  Dave.

  Dave:

  Mmm?

  Denise:

  The baby wants some milk.

  Dave:

  Right.

  Jim:

  (WATCHING DAVE GET UP) Look at the big soft sod.

  Denise:

  Dad! I’m pregnant. I’ve got to take it easy now.

  Jim:

  What d’you mean, ‘now’?

  Barbara:

  Well, she’s right, she’s got to drink a lot of milk – it’s good for the baby’s teeth.

  Denise:

  Is it?

  Barbara:

  Ooh yeah.

  DAVE RETURNS WITH MILK.

  Dave:

  Here y’are, Mummy.

  Denise:

  Aah. Thanks, Dave.

  PAUSE.

  Barbara:

  Denise, have you thought whether you’ll breastfeed or not?

  Jim:

  Oh, I wouldn’t if I was you, love. That’s why the springs have gone in your mother’s…(MOTIONS SAGGY KNOCKERS)

  Barbara:

  You cheeky sod, Jim. Eh, eh, I haven’t got bad boobs for a woman of my age.

  Jim:

  Ooh, behave will you, Barb. They’re like bloody spaniel’s ears.

  Barbara:

  Oh right. Right, well, that’s the last time you see ‘em then.

  Jim:

  ‘Ey, I’ll not put the mockers on your shrivelled knockers.