The Royle Family: The Scripts: Series 2 Read online

  Jim:

  And I said to him, I don’t care if I win twenty bloody spot the balls, I’m still not buying your ale. Ah, hello, love. How big is it now, eh? Bloody ‘ell Norma, is it nearly a week since we last saw you?

  Twiggy:

  Hello, Norma. Looking gorgeous as ever.

  Nana:

  Ah, hello, love.

  Twiggy:

  Why you don’t just move in here, I’ll never know.

  Nana:

  Well, there’s Denise’s room.

  Dave:

  Hiya, Nana. (KISSES HER)

  Nana:

  Hiya, love.

  Denise:

  Dave!

  Dave:

  Oh. (KISSES DENISE)

  Denise:

  Ooh, you stink of drink. Lovely.

  Twiggy:

  Ey, Denise, Dave’s just told me about the baby – great news that.

  Denise:

  Ah, thanks, Twiggy.

  Twiggy:

  And don’t worry about gear for it. I can get all that sort of stuff.

  Denise:

  Oh, I don’t want dodgy gear for this baby, Twiggy.

  Dave:

  We do.

  Twiggy:

  I’ll tell you what, I’ll knock off a cot for the baby. That’ll be my present for it.

  Nana:

  Aah. Heart of gold, ain’t he.

  Jim:

  (CALLS OUT) Barb, put another plate out, love, Twiggy’s here.

  BARBARA GRIMACES IN THE KITCHEN AND GOES OUT TO LIVING ROOM.

  Barbara:

  Right. Hi, Twiggy.

  Twiggy:

  That all right, Barbara?

  Barbara:

  Oh yes, there’s always plenty of food here, love. Go set another place for Twiggy.

  Nana:

  Eh Twiggy – I believe you’ve got yourself a nice ladyfriend?

  Twiggy:

  Well, I couldn’t wait for you for ever.

  Nana:

  Ooh, go on! Hey, I’m going to be a great grandmother you know – if I live long enough. Antony, tell your mam I don’t want too much meat.

  ANTONY GOES INTO KITCHEN.

  Antony:

  Mam, Nana says she don’t want too much meat.

  Barbara:

  Well nobody’s having too much meat. I could swing for your father one of these days. Now tell them to sit up, Antony.

  Antony:

  Right. Dinner’s ready.

  Twiggy:

  I’m sitting next to you, Norma.

  Nana:

  Oh, give us a hand then.

  Twiggy:

  Aah, come on love. Y’all right.

  Denise:

  Nana, your bag.

  Nana:

  Oh, ta, love. Where do you want me?

  Jim:

  Next door.

  Twiggy:

  I’ll go round there. Don’t worry about me Barb. I’ll eat any old shite.

  Denise:

  You’ll all have to come round to mine and Dave’s one time for Sunday dinner.

  Jim:

  Oh, nice one.

  Denise:

  Mam can cook there. Be a nice change for her.

  Dave:

  Ah, yeah.

  Nana:

  That’s too much for me, Barbara.

  Twiggy:

  It’s all right, I’ll polish off anything you can’t eat.

  Nana:

  Oh, this gravy looks watery, Barbara. I usually put cornflour in mine. You’ve never tasted my gravy, have you, Twiggy?

  Denise:

  Oh, ta.

  Twiggy:

  Can’t say I’ve had that pleasure.

  Dave:

  Hey, Bob the Spark was in the pub, Nana.

  Nana:

  Yeah.

  Dave:

  Said your video’ll be ready on Friday.

  Nana:

  Ooh, what’s to do with it?

  Dave:

  He doesn’t know. He’s not had a chance to have a look at it yet.

  Nana:

  Ooh, I’m lost without it.

  Jim:

  You never bloody use it. We always have to record everything for ya.

  Nana:

  Well I like watching Dave and Denise’s wedding video on it. D’you know Elsie? Lives next door to me? She’s seen it five times.

  Jim:

  Well that must be bloody entertaining, watching a crowd of people you don’t know.

  Nana:

  Well she feels like she knows you all. It’s company you know when you live on your own.

  BARBARA SITS DOWN, HOT AND FLUSTERED.

  Jim:

  All right, Barb?

  Barbara:

  Yes.

  Jim:

  You’re as red as a bloody beetroot.

  Barbara:

  It’s nothing. Just leave it.

  Denise:

  Ey, Twiggy, who’s this new ladyfriend what you’ve got then?

  Twiggy:

  Eh, she’s a tasty piece – I think this could be the one.

  All:

  Aah.

  Jim:

  That’s what the three lads said who have kids to her.

  Twiggy:

  Nothing wrong with that.

  Jim:

  Nothing said.

  Barbara:

  Hey, Twiggy, you’ll have to bring her round one night and introduce her to us.

  Twiggy:

  Yeah, I’d love to, but she works nights in a petrol station.

  Barbara:

  Oh, does she? Oh, that’s a dangerous job in’t it for a young girl, working nights in a petrol station.

  Jim:

  You haven’t seen her, Barb. Lennox Lewis wouldn’t tangle with her.

  Twiggy:

  Yeah, she’s well capable of handling herself.

  Barbara:

  Aah.

  Jim:

  Bloody ‘ell, Barb, how long have these roasties been in?

  Barbara:

  They were done half an hour ago, but you were still in the pub.

  Jim:

  Well Dave was getting his annual round in and I didn’t want to miss that.

  Twiggy:

  How you getting on Denise, now you’re not drinking?

  Denise:

  Oh, I’m only not drinking at dinnertime. I’m allowed to drink at night.

  Jim:

  It’s all right. The baby’11 come out with a lager top.

  Nana:

  Who wants my beef? This is too much for me. The last time I had it, it got stuck under my palate.

  Jim:

  Well that’s you all over isn’t it Norma – getting a couple of days’ worth out the bugger.

  Barbara:

  Jim! Can we have just one Sunday dinner in peace?

  Jim:

  Did you play footie, Antony?

  Antony:

  Yeah, we won.

  Jim:

  Did you take Emma with you?

  Antony:

  Yeah.

  Nana:

  Who’s Emma?

  Denise:

  His girlfriend.

  Dave:

  Ooh.

  Antony:

  She’s not my girlfriend – she’s just a mate.

  Nana:

  Have you met her, Barbara?

  Barbara:

  No.

  Jim:

  No, we probably won’t meet her till he puts her up the shoot, then they’ll come round here lookin’ for a few bob off us.

  Barbara:

  Jim.

  Nana:

  Who’s this Emma?

  Jim:

  I’m sure you know her Norma, Emma Royd?

  Nana:

  Who is Emma Royd?

  Jim:

  She lives up your back passage.

  ANTONY IS KILLING HIMSELF LAUGHING.

  Barbara:

  Jim! We’re trying to eat our dinners here.

  Nana
:

  Whose back passage?

  Barbara:

  Mam, take no notice. They’re being rude.

  Jim:

  Antony, have a bit of respect for your Nana.

  PAUSE.

  Nana:

  Oh Twiggy, did you see This Morning the other day? There was a woman on it from Droylsden. She was having a makeover. Droylsden’s only ten minutes from me you know. Ooh, I’d love a makeover.

  Barbara:

  Ooh, I’d love a makeover.

  Jim:

  Bloody ‘ell Barb, the programme’s only two-and-a-half hours long. (BARBARA GIVES HIM DAGGERS) Makeover my arse. You’re my beautiful rose. That’s why I married you.

  Barbara:

  Aah.

  Jim:

  It certainly wasn’t for your cooking.

  Barbara:

  Dave?

  Dave:

  Umm.

  Barbara:

  How’s that baby’s room comin’ on?

  Dave:

  Ah, smashing thanks, yeah.

  Barbara:

  That moped still in there is it?

  Dave:

  Yeah.

  Denise:

  You better get that shifted soon, Dave.

  Dave:

  I’ve got six months to shift that.

  Denise:

  Five months and seventeen days.

  Barbara:

  Aah.

  Nana:

  Oh, I hope I live to see it.

  Jim:

  Oh, you bloody will Norma. Don’t worry. You will.

  Nana:

  Betty buried her husband on Wednesday. When I go I don’t want to be buried, I want to be cremated.

  Barbara:

  Ah, Mam.

  Jim:

  Just like these roasties?

  Nana:

  Oh I was upset, him going like that.

  Barbara:

  Did you go to the funeral, Mam?

  Nana:

  No, I weren’t invited. They wanted to keep it to those who knew him. That’s what upset me. (PAUSE) I mean you don’t have to have met someone to celebrate their death.

  Jim:

  Well you only go to them bloody funerals so you can go to the buffet.

  Nana:

  Oh, I don’t mean to speak ill of the dead, but he were a tight bugger that Kenneth by all accounts. Do you know he used to follow her around Kwik Save taking everything out of her basket as quick as she put it in. He never let her have Jaffa Cakes, only Rich Tea. I bet she’ll have Jaffa Cakes now.

  JIM SHAKES HIS HEAD

  Nana:

  Do you know Theresa in the post office – her whose husband went grey overnight?

  Barbara:

  Oh, yeah.

  Nana:

  Did you know her daughter had applied to be an air hostess?

  Barbara:

  Yeah.

  Nana:

  She’s got in – they got the letter back this week.

  Barbara:

  Which airline?

  Nana:

  Eh? Heathrow, I think.

  Barbara:

  Ooh, how lovely! D’you know I would have loved our Denise to be an air hostess.

  Denise:

  Oh, no way, they’re only skivvies making tea in the sky.

  Barbara:

  It’s not you know. Much more to it than that. You need languages and you need what to do in a crash and all that.

  Jim:

  I know exactly what she’d do in a bloody crash – she’d shit herself, the same as the rest of us.

  Barbara:

  Jim! No shit please, while we’re having dinner.

  Nana:

  I’ve never been on a plane me, Twiggy. I’m eighty-four years old and I’ve never even sat on one when it was on the ground.

  Jim:

  Well, bloody ‘ell Norma, what would you wanna do that for?

  Nana:

  I’m just saying. Or a helicopter. I’ve been to Ringway a couple of times and watched them landing and taking off. Me and Elsie had a picnic there before she was housebound. She was fascinated by the airport was Elsie next door.

  Denise:

  Ey, when, ‘em, me and Dave went on our honeymoon to Tenerife, right, we was on the plane and we thought it was just gonna be the first drink that was free, but it was all free. Yeah, we was bladdered, weren’t we?

  Dave:

  Absolutely hammered.

  Denise:

  It was brilliant.

  Antony:

  Nice one!

  Barbara:

  Aah.

  Denise:

  Ey Nana, you wouldn’t like the toilets on them planes -they’re tiny.

  Nana:

  Do they have toilets on the planes?

  Denise:

  Yeah.

  Jim:

  Of course they have toilets on the bloody planes.

  Denise:

  How do you know, you’ve never been on a plane?

  Jim:

  I know and you wouldn’t get me on one either.

  Twiggy:

  Safest form of transport that, Jim.

  Jim:

  Eh, I know, you don’t read about crashes because they keep it all covered up, but you can’t tell me the likes of Richard Branson, whose got his own bloody airline, goes everywhere by balloon, he is not bloody soft is he?

  Antony:

  Hey, he’s loaded, he is. He’s worth over a billion.

  Jim:

  Bloody ‘ell that’s only about ten quid less than you, isn’t it, Nana?

  Dave:

  D’you know how he started off his business that Branson? From a little record shop.

  Barbara:

  Ooh, can’t imagine him behind a record shop can you? With his beard.

  Jim:

  What’s his beard got to do with it?

  Barbara:

  Ey, imagine what it must be like to be him. All that money.

  Jim:

  Can’t get that rich without being as tight as a camel’s arse in a sandstorm, can ya? He wouldn’t give you the steam off his piss that fella.

  Barbara:

  Jim! ‘Shit’ and ‘piss’ – it’s Sunday dinner.

  Nana:

  Well I like Richard Branston me. I’ve always liked him.

  Jim:

  You don’t even know who he is.

  Nana:

  I do, I saw that programme about him and his balloons.

  Jim:

  He’s not a bloody children’s entertainer.

  Antony:

  He’s got his own island, him.

  Jim:

  I know, the tight get.

  Nana:

  Well I like him.

  Barbara:

  Right, pass us your plates. Antony, help us with these plates, will ya love? Who wants pudding?

  Twiggy:

  What is it, Barbara?

  Barbara:

  It’s tinned fruit, love.

  Twiggy:

  Oh, great.

  Jim:

  Bloody ‘ell, you’re pushing the boat out, aren’t you Barb.

  Nana:

  What sort of tinned fruit is it, Barbara?

  Barbara:

  Fruit cocktail, Mam.

  Nana:

  Will you take the grapefruit out of mine, I can’t eat it. I like it, but it doesn’t like me.

  Twiggy:

  Is that right, Norma?

  Nana:

  Puts a road right through me.

  Jim:

  Ah, what a lovely thought that is. Antony, when you come out, bring the squirty cream, will you lad.

  Twiggy:

  Ey, I’ll tell you what, my new lady, Debbie, she’s a great cook.

  Denise:

  Is she?

  Twiggy:

  Ah yeah, she does a lovely Ruby.

  Nana:

  What does she do Twiggy?

  Twiggy:

  Ruby Murray. Curry.

&n
bsp; Nana:

  Oh, you daft thing!

  Denise:

  Mam.

  Mam:

  Yes.

  Denise:

  Don’t forget no juice on mine.

  Barbara:

  Right.

  Jim:

  Little Keanu might like the juice.

  Nana:

  Eh, how are your cravings these days Denise? Is it still Toffee Crisps?

  Denise:

  Yeah. Yeah and sometimes an Aero.

  Nana:

  But you liked them before, didn’t you?

  Denise:

  Yeah. Yeah. Yes it’s funny, in’t it?

  Jim:

  Cravings my arse.

  Nana:

  Ooh, how’s Mary, is she still having her dizzy spells?

  Barbara:

  Yeah, well she hasn’t had one since Wednesday so she’s keeping her fingers crossed.

  Nana:

  D’you remember my dizzy spells, Barbara?

  Barbara:

  Yes, Mam, I do.

  Nana:

  I had a whole spate of dizzy spells when I lost Barbara’s dad. I had a fall in the Stretford precinct. It was outside Timpson’s. It’s still talked of to this day.

  Jim:

  Who talks about it?

  Nana:

  Me and Elsie. Timpson’s, do you know where that is, Twiggy? It’s erm, opposite the Hallmark card shop. There. Ooh, you do feel awful.

  Twiggy:

  Yeah, well you’re all right now girl. That’s all that matters.

  ANTONY SQUIRTS THE CREAM ON HIS FRUIT COCKTAIL.

  Jim:

  Oh, eh, eh. That’ll do. Bloody ‘ell. Do you want to think of other people, instead of yourself, self, self all the bloody time? They’ll take the taste of the bloody fruit away.

  Nana:

  Got any Carnation, Barbara? That squirty stuff lies heavy on my stomach.

  Barbara:

  Antony, go and see if there’s any Carnation in the cupboard.

  Antony:

  Ah, bloody…

  Nana:

  Oh, if it’s too much trouble, don’t bother, I’ll go.

  Barbara:

  Antony, will you go and look.

  HE LEAVES.

  Jim:

  You all right, Barb. Your face looks like a Belisha Beacon.

  Barbara:

  Will you leave it, Jim, I’m just hot, that’s all.

  Denise:

  Hey, Mam, d’ya know what it might be – it might be the menopause.

  Barbara:

  Will you drop it, Denise. I’ve told ya, I’m just hot.

  PAUSE.

  Nana:

  We used to call it the change in my time.

  PAUSE. ANTONY COMES BACK IN.

  Antony:

  Sorry Nana, there in’t any.

  Nana:

  Ah, never mind. Don’t worry, I’ll have some of this. Ooh, did you see Dale Winton’s home in OK magazine? Ooh, it was tidy. It was just like a show home.

  Jim:

  Dale Winton my arse.

  Dave:

  He wouldn’t say ‘no’, Jim.

  Barbara:

  I’ve given up trying to keep a show home with this lot.

  Jim:

  That’s not his real home, he has all sorts of people in to do that.