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  “Uh-huh sure, whatever you say,” Nat stared, distracted by my body.

  6

  (Olivia)

  Fool to think, for even a second, that Natalie could be single again and searching for some mendable soul. Famous actress aside, Natalia was, by far, the most beautiful and enchanting person I had ever fucking had the pleasure to touch.

  Last night, at the gala, when I saw her approach, my own sudden hope had been crushed in an instant. Tender wilted rose petals drawn somehow to liquid inside a heartless mill.

  No sooner could I think of the possibility of us, was that same possibility then cruelly snatched away and scorched like burnt paper.

  Likewise, my once festering wound inside reopened and I spilled from it my secret truth, the one I should've always kept hidden away.

  Knock, knock, knock.

  Behind me, the sound of soft knuckles on the frame of the bathroom door drew my attention. As I turned toward the sound, she entered my space. An apparition. A vision. A dream.

  “What’s taking so long,” Natalia asked, walking up behind me and seeing my face in the mirror. I tried to hide every impulse in me, conceal my thoughts.

  “Sorry,” I said, brushing my hair back from my face with nervous and careful fingers. I’d been trying to fix my damn hair. Falling asleep with it wet would mean it was wavy and unruly for the rest of the day, no matter how I tried to coat it in product or straighten it or fuss.

  “Oh, it’s the hair, isn’t it,” Nat said, coming close and pulling it back behind my shoulders. Her eyes in the mirror caught mine and kept my gaze easily. “I always told you I love it like this. Why do you think you have to fix everything natural in you?”

  The question was not one I would answer and she knew that much about me.

  “I’m almost done,” I said.

  “Well, what’s left then, huh? A little more perfume? A dot of bronzer on your chin? A stain of red to bring out your already vibrant cheeks? Next thing you’ll be surgically adding color to your perfect irises.”

  “I don’t micromanage your morning routine,” I said, sullen from wear.

  My gaze fell from hers then and I reached for anything to do, not caring if it was one of the things she chose to tease me about. Though, surgically enhancing the vibrancy of green inside my own eyes hadn’t been a trick I’d thought to seek out.

  “You’re perfect Livia. You’ve always been perfect.”

  I flexed my fingers and then balled them into fists.

  If I was perfect, I wouldn’t be the othered one in this bathroom. The one who lived a life of mainly solitude.

  I spun around, intoxicated suddenly by the sure familiar scent of this woman I’d been dreaming about for so many years. “Where’s your girlfriend,” I asked, leaning back on the sink, fingers clasping at the hard porcelain. Nat had me trapped, wedged between her body and a hard place. I wanted the feeling, it instilled attraction in me, set my blood to race like a red red river of lava, warm and dangerous, libel to drown anyone near. But I knew there would be none of what I longed for from her and that hurt me inside. It couldn’t quell the river but it did make my heart tender from ache.

  My eyes drank of her smooth caramel skin, her secret beauty marks I knew, her soft freckles I’d traced on many dark secret nights. If I could add the nights up and count all our moons, I’d cherish them one-by-one, try to find some common denominator, maybe even write each moon a song. But my memory was ill like my mind and to see all her living breathing perfections again was unexpected and quite heavenly. Indescribable, I suppose.

  “You scared her away,” Nat remarked, speaking of course of Avery and where she had gone. Hands slipped in next to mine on the sink. Natalie’s body hovered expectantly, just close, leaning in, tempting my impulses as well as my ability to refrain.

  I was smaller than her, in every way. Yet, when she leaned in over me I felt like I was exactly where I wanted to be. Other people could not instill that sense in me. “That was not my intention,” I said, remembering Avery. The beautifully queer girl who accidentally kissed me to wake.

  “Oh, I'm sure it wasn't. Ever the polite hostess,” Nat teased, remembering me.

  At some point, Avery had slipped into my bed naked, and I had to wonder who this person was and how it was she came to know my once greatest friend.

  “You stare a lot,” Natalie said, watching me. My eyes had probably moved across her visible secrets one-by-one. With her I took time.

  Her hands moved to my hair again and she played with it, watching my eyes. Soft skin and purposeful nails. Her nails delighted me, scratched at my scalp, she knew I loved when she used to do that. I shut my eyes and just felt her. She played with my hair and eventually fashioned it up.

  “There,” she breathed. “Now you won't be worried and fussing with it all morning.”

  So many people attempted to know me but only one human truly did.

  “I've taken your words,” she noticed. “Which means, you must've been telling me the truth last night.”

  I had no reason to lie anymore.

  Nat took a few steps back and then tugged on me to get me to cheer up and stop being nervous around her.

  My body bounced into hers. The strength she spent in tugging me was not much but I hadn't been expecting to be pulled toward her so my body almost flew into hers and she laughed as she lazily hugged me against her frame.

  “Can I borrow some clothes?”

  “Wait, you don't want to wear last night's dress?” I teased.

  “What, so the paparazzi can snap pictures of us everywhere and speculate about all our secret sex?”

  “Huh-" I huffed out a laugh. Where my body was pushing into her side I felt alive.

  Just the spoken thought of us secretly fucking lit me up even more.

  “I'm gonna take that as approval,” Nat said, moving toward my suitcase and picking through.

  She pulled some of my double fabric leggings out and an oversized marled dolman sweater.

  “How long are you planning on staying,” she asked, tugging the clothes on over her underwear that had long since dried from their hot tub adventure.

  “Why? Eager to see me go?” I wondered.

  “Uh-uh, no way,” Nat said, pulling the sweater on. Our sizes were nothing similar, but of course, knowing the insides of many costume trunks and group closets, Natalie had picked the two things in my suitcase that could actually fit her and flatter her well. “I have some time off actually. If you're sticking around I'd like to hang out a little. Ya know, if you're up for that.”

  “Hmm…” I hummed, considering the offer. “And what if I'm not sticking around?”

  “Where are you living now? It’s not that far away, right? Maybe Avery and I will come visit. Stay with you a little.”

  Heat rose in my chest and near my ears. My heart beat like the kicking of a child’s little feet in his mother’s womb.

  I tried to imagine how it would go. Nat seeing how my day-to-day has become almost barren of even the slightest affection. My way of living now is not as it used to be.

  “If it scares you too much, you can always say no.”

  “I'm not scared,” I said. It was a lie, of course. I was scared of everything.

  “Ya know, all this time... I never once thought you might actually be hiding from me.”

  I swallowed a lump.

  Of course, I didn't want her to know that it was the truth. I had hidden from her as much as I also craved her. The two acts were hand-in-hand, snuggled close and tight like two naked lovers in the night.

  “I see now, I was wrong,” Nat said, throwing her hair up all messy, an easy contrast to mine which she had braided and pinned up beautifully for me before. Her messy hair was five leagues more attractive somehow. I could count the seconds, my body slowly sinking down into the deep blue sea.

  I looked at her in the mirror and noticed as her eyes caught mine.

  I looked away, clearing my throat and pulling some white tennis shoes
on.

  “It’s okay Livia. You don't have to talk. I'll figure you out.”

  I shoved my hotel key, some cards, and a few hundred dollar bills into my front jean pocket and felt Natalie tug my elbow to get me to stop ignoring her and see.

  “What?” I asked.

  “Nothing… I just… Forgot how pretty you were in person.”

  “Come on, stop,” I smiled, a little annoyed. I couldn’t take her flirting with me now, right after my embarrassing confession.

  “No. I don't want to yet,” Natalie decided.

  Her hands had always been smooth at touching the places they wanted to touch. It was almost like she knew she didn’t have to ask me. From anyone else I would call it presumptuous but not from Natalie. With me, she had a free pass, forever and always.

  She pushed my chin up with her thumbs to get me to stare up at her.

  When I did stare up I felt pathetic beneath her shining smile and her endless beauty.

  She leaned in and smelled me. It made my heart jump because I thought, just maybe, she was going to kiss me, which I would’ve loved, but it didn't happen. As she pulled away, I felt my heart again sinking down in my chest.

  “Come on baby. Let's get you some coffee,” she said, once she’d finally decided she had stared just enough.

  We left the room together and I wondered why on earth she’d want to spend any time at all with me after everything I was to her.

  A cascade of love could pour out of me now but she’d never be able to drink of it.

  I was an idiot and a fool and now she was tempting me with the idea of her ongoing presence.

  7

  (Avery)

  When I managed to get home I stripped down as soon as I got through the front door. I'd clean up the mess later before the maid came to clean.

  I was a little sad that Nat wasn't with me. The house was so empty when she wasn't here. Her presence smoothed my rough edges and took me out of my head.

  I threw my shoes into the walk-in closet and went to the bathroom. The marble floors were cold on my feet. I turned the water on and sighed, leaning naked against the glass of the walk-in shower.

  The bathroom was something of a marvel. It was my favorite part of our home, the one where I could relax in a bath, read, and sometimes pull Nat in with me. A smile lit my face as I remembered all the times we got in the big tub with jets. It was so fancy and strange of me to think of it now but the tub was like a hot tub you cleaned yourself in.

  The water fell to the bottom, filling the tub slowly. I spaced as I stared at it, thinking about them there, hopefully talking. I leaned down and checked the heat of the liquid. It was perfect. I stepped down into the tub and waited for it to fill, sitting on the bench that ran around the insides.

  I had a spa pillow nearby, one that I often used to rest. I tucked it under my head and neck and let a breath out. My muscles were tense from everything, life was a plot filled with things that sapped my energy. Work was only stressful when I decided to do it or an editor contacted me about a story. Most of the time, I doubled as Nat’s assistant or manager. It was easier than her hiring someone to follow her around.

  Being together that much was great but sometimes it didn’t work out. When I’d been working on something, which I had been recently, we separated. It felt wrong. Any relief I had being away from the crazy life of dating an actor was countered by the feeling of missing her.

  The water was up past my waist now so I reached over and hit the button to turn the jets on. The noise of them kicking on jolted my body into bliss mode. The heat of the water and the pressure of the jet behind me beating into my back made me relax all the muscles that I hadn’t known were clenched.

  Sleep invaded again now that I was relaxed and I knew I only had a minute before it took me so I made myself lean up and turn the water off now that it was as high as I needed it. I laid back again and made myself breathe in and out until I felt it come on again. Nat would be here with me soon. I pretended she was with me. The smell of her perfume in the bathroom helped. It was so easy to just push her into my dreams where we could be alone and safe.

  I woke to cool, placid water. My neck ached as I moved it, at some point I’d turned on my side and put my head at a weird angle on the pillow. It was a miracle that I hadn’t slid into the bath. Usually, Nat saved me from that but she wasn’t here now.

  I reached around under the water with my foot and pressed the plug so it was open and the water could drain out and then I walked to the other side and stepped up until I was out of the bath and grabbing a towel to dry off.

  The house was quiet. The maid must have come and gone but avoided the bathroom. I put the towel back on the rack and passed through to the bedroom. The large picture windows on the other side overlooked the valley. I could see the lights from this side of the room. They dotted the landscape like little symbols on a map.

  I looked around, checking for my phone but remembered it had been in the purse I’d discarded with my dress. Since I’d fallen asleep the maid had come through and put the dress away. I looked back toward the bed and saw the purse laying on the nightstand.

  Our bed called to me so I threw myself on the surface, squirming under the freshly made bedclothes. When I surfaced, sticking my head out of the top of the duvet I reached over and opened the purse with one hand, fishing my phone out and checking it. No texts from Nat but one call from an editor I’d worked with before.

  I put the phone back, ignoring the low battery indicator in favor of not moving. Maybe they had a lot to hash out. I couldn’t tell, not knowing Olivia like Nat did, but she was a beautiful woman. One whose sadness shone in her eyes and vibed off of her body in waves. My Natalie had been hers once and she’d obviously been pining. All these years I’d been the lucky one.

  I used to think I didn’t deserve Nat but I needed her. Maybe Olivia had insecurities like mine. This could be the only time I ever saw her but I’m sure Nat would update me when she came home.

  I’d fulfilled my promise and was waiting for her in bed now. All I could do was wait but sleep took me again before she made it back.

  When I woke it was late and she was holding me while she slept. Naked and perfect like she usually was when we had time.

  I didn't want to bother her so I laid there until I fell asleep again. When I woke up this time I rolled over and got up, looking down at her.

  She opened her eyes and watched me, sleep was trying to keep her under.

  “Hi,” I said.

  She cleared her throat, eyes soft. “Hey.”

  “How do you feel?” I asked, kneeling by the bed.

  “Little tired but not bad,” she said. “How ‘bout you?”

  She rolled onto her side and tucked her hands beneath her cheek.

  “I'm okay. I fell asleep in the tub and got all wrinkled and I'm hungry,” I said.

  “Aww,” she cooed. I felt her reach for me and tug me closer.

  I let her pull me over until I was mostly on the bed. I smiled and kissed her cheek.

  “You want me to make something for you?” I asked.

  “Um. Definitely,” she flirted.

  “Any preference?” I asked, smiling and reaching out to caress her cheek.

  “I'm sure I'll like what you make,” Nat said.

  “I'll just make omelets. That's easy and fast,” I said.

  I kissed her and stood up, walking to the closet. Fishing out an oversized t-shirt and slipping it on.

  “How did it go?” I asked, raising my voice to be heard.

  “Uh. Good,” she said, watching. “Confusing but good.”

  I stepped out of the closet and stood near the bed, looking down at her.

  “Ah, why confusing?” I asked.

  “Why do you think,” she laughed and then groaned. “She's apparently been hiding from me since we broke up which I did not know.”

  “Makes sense. So, I was right,” I said, grinning.

  “Maybe,” she said, turning away. �
�It's not exactly something I can be proud of.”

  The topic hurt her. She got up and walked to her dresser to pull some soft leggings out and put them on. Her hair flowed down, hiding her face momentarily. When she stood up she pushed her hair back and I could tell she was tired, like she said, which really wasn't common for her. When Nat was tired she’d sleep it off, she didn't just wear it in her body or on her face. Vibrancy was her natural thing.

  “Baby, it's not your fault. She dumped you and it was years ago,” I said, walking over and pulling her into my arms. “Tell me what you're thinking. Maybe I can help.”