Vancouver Nights Read online

  If Natalie wanted to talk to me she could do that. She probably knew I’d fucked up and she probably knew I was just going to be weird about it until she went away.

  In a way, she was saving me.

  Again and again.

  Again and again and again.

  Natalie saved me, every time she entered into my space.

  My eyes filled with moisture and I tried to fight the possibility of tears.

  It had been a long time since I felt anyone care about me like her.

  “Whatcha doin’?” I hadn’t heard her come back in. I’d left the door open and apparently she was sick of the endless affection she was receiving from that beautiful woman who charmed me with ease.

  “Just work,” I said.

  “Aww, come on, that can’t be true,” Nat said, walking over to me all wet in her expensive black underwear.

  I cleared my throat secretly and made a point to keep my eyes on my screen.

  I felt Natalie’s fingertips touch down on my shoulder where my thin PJs kept me covered and decent from her.

  “You’re even prettier than you used to be,” she said.

  My eyes stared up at her then, a little shocked. I softened as soon as I realized I shouldn’t be scared.

  “You’re sweet,” I said, heart aching as I took her hand and kept it.

  “I think I saw a robe back that way,” Nat remembered.

  “Oh, yeah, help yourself,” I said. “And I have clothes if you want. I don’t mind. Avery too.”

  I watched her disappear and then come back to me. Clad in a thick white hotel robe, the kind that they practically begged you to steal, she quickly took my breath away.

  “You really shouldn’t talk about beautiful,” I stared, unable to help it.

  I shut my laptop as Natalie sat down at the edge of the bed.

  “So… You gonna tell me about your life or is this going to be like last time?”

  “I’m sorry,” I said, swallowing awkwardly and feeling that perpetual lump in my throat.

  I couldn’t remember a time when I actually spoke to her and didn’t feel this guilt and hesitance. It’s been with me so long, this pseudo-lock on my soul. Keeping me from getting to her.

  “No, don’t be sorry,” Nat said, staring over at me.

  I breathed in deeply and looked out toward the balcony. “Is Avery not coming in?”

  “I think she wants us to talk,” Natalie said.

  “Oh, so this is punishment then?”

  “Something like,” Natalie smiled softly, all the adoration I remembered was still somehow there. How could that just be?

  I got up and walked to the place where she put down our drinks.

  I started to drink mine.

  “Suddenly thirsty huh?”

  I looked back at her and smiled but my eyes rolled. What did she want me to say? I was useless to her. Always so.

  She got up and came over to me, taking the drink from my hand and hugging me from behind.

  “I know you’ll talk to me one day,” she whispered adoringly.

  “I don’t know what to say,” I explained. “It’s been so long and none of it matters, right? You’ve moved on.”

  “Of course it still matters Livia,” Nat said, that ache in her voice.

  “Well… I love you,” I breathed. “I never stopped. I just suck at life.”

  “Oh!” Nat laughed, squeezing me tight. “You’re so dramatic. I love that about you.” It made her happy to hear.

  My eyes welled and it hurt to be called that right now.

  Tears fell and I tried not to move.

  “Wait…”

  She must’ve felt them, tears dropping down onto her arm. That familiar sensation of something not well.

  I felt her spin me and then look.

  “Livia…”

  “It’s- uh- it’s fine. I’m stupid,” I said, pushing away from her and walking back to the bathroom to hide and wipe off my skin.

  There were knocks on the door but I locked it.

  Small insistent knocks kept interrupting my attempts to clean my face and make myself look less broken again.

  “Please open this,” I heard Natalie say.

  In the mirror I looked decades older than I remembered myself being. Dark circles under my eyes.

  Years of homeostasis, just living with nothing wrong and nothing right. May as well have been lost in space, suspended, unintelligent and uninvolved.

  I went to work, I exercised. I bought clothes. I went to restaurants. I had my meetings. Holidays came and went.

  “Livia… Please.” Natalie’s voice could cut me like nobody else's.

  “Fuck…” I let out. My eyes were red and I couldn’t fix them. This wasn’t supposed to happen this way.

  I walked to the bathroom door and opened it.

  In the dark of the hall, I felt Natalie’s fingers lifting up my chin. “Oh baby…” She said.

  “It’s stupid,” I sniffed, way too frustrated. I was shaking now, everywhere. “I’m an idiot. It’s fine.”

  As I was saying it though my eyes filled up again and I had to shake my head and laugh at myself.

  “Maybe it wasn’t such a good idea that you guys came over tonight.”

  “No, it was necessary,” Nat said, pulling me in for a very long hug.

  We stood in the dark hallway and I cried into her robe, buried in her.

  I remembered her smells, the way she felt, it was like home, to feel her again, but I couldn’t confess.

  The whole time it was happening I just clung to this fear that Avery was going to walk in and take Natalie away.

  I knew I deserved to be abandoned again but that knowledge didn’t make me want to be loved and kept by her any less.

  5

  (Avery)

  I stayed out in the hot tub for far too long but it was a nice night and I had drinks. Sleep could have taken me were it not for the curiosity. If I could be a fly on the wall I’d love to hear what they said and how they looked.

  When the sky started to get light I made myself get out and dry off before I went in and found them sleeping next to one another on the bed. They were cute and I couldn’t resist a smile but that was eventually interrupted by a yawn.

  They looked peaceful and I wanted sleep so I went and showered, finding one of those robes the hotel provided. I dropped my underwear and bra in the tub and put the robe on. I started to hum while I combed out my hair with the comb that was laying on the counter.

  When I was done I set it down and looked in the mirror, leaning close. The dark circles under my eyes were apparent and there were a few blemishes low on my cheeks. I sighed and turned away. I’d never be able to see what Nat did no matter how hard I tried.

  I needed bed and so I went back out to slip in on the side of the bed where Nat was laying. She was turned toward Olivia but I heard her murmur when I got in.

  She shifted and turned her arm to hold me.

  “You okay baby?” She asked all sleepy and possibly unaware.

  “Yeah, I’m good. Love you,” I said.

  I cuddled up to her and laid my forehead on her back, curling into her body.

  “Love you too,” she breathed.

  I moved my head up to kiss the back of her head. Her hair smelled like the shampoo in the bathroom. We were all going to smell the same. I giggled, my body shaking a little. Delirium was setting in and everything was going to be funny.

  They were cuddled close and I almost wished I was between them. I liked watching Nat sleep and feeling her breath on me. She was safety and love.

  “I need a goodnight kiss,” I whispered.

  I never went to bed without one. It was routine and I would feel weird, maybe not even sleep.

  Nat turned toward me, her eyes were closed but she groped for my body and then my face.

  I felt her lips find mine as she gave me the kiss I had asked for. Soon as she started to taste me she slowed us both down and snuggled up against me.

  �
��Night,” I whispered and kissed her nose once before I closed my eyes.

  “Goodnight baby,” I heard her whisper back.

  I smiled and sighed, letting exhaustion take over. It was five thirty before I fell asleep and when I woke Nat was moving against me.

  “Ugh,” I groaned and moved closer, moving my head forward to kiss my girlfriend. Only when our lips met I realized it wasn't Nat.

  “Oh!” I jumped and moved away. “I'm sorry,” I said, blinking and trying to focus on Olivia's face. She looked like as confused as I was.

  “That's okay,” she laughed, cheeks reddened with amusement. Her hand came up and touched her lips.

  “I thought you were Nat,” I explained.

  I looked around and then heard the toilet flush in the bathroom. A minute later Nat popped out and looked at both of us.

  “Finally up, huh?” She asked, putting her hands down at the foot of the bed and crawling back up between us.

  Olivia and I both moved a little to give her enough room.

  “Hardly,” Olivia said.

  “Aww,” Nat laughed. “You haven't changed.”

  “I might actually be incapable,” Olivia mumbled.

  “Change is overrated,” I added.

  “I wish I could sleep as much as you,” Nat said. “You always beat me in that. Made me jealous.”

  “I probably sleep more now, if anything,” Olivia confessed warily.

  “I wish I could borrow that talent,” I sighed.

  “It must be relaxing,” Nat smiled at me, checking me out.

  Olivia didn't speak.

  “We could both learn to relax more. We should take after you,” I said.

  “Well, you're very welcome to all that I have,” Olivia breathed deep, finally coming back into her wakefulness. Her body rose and she moved slowly, as if she could ever be heavy.

  She smiled over at me once she realized I might not know that she actually meant what she said. Shaking her head, she stretched and looked away at the time. “I think I need espresso.”

  “Hey, I'll bet,” Nat said, looking over at her.

  Olivia got up and started for the bathroom where all her things were kept, neatly packed away. “Just need a few minutes,” she muttered, drifting off.

  “I need coffee now that it’s been mentioned,” I said, laying back and taking up the whole bed.

  Nat crawled ontop of me, kissing my lips and staring down. “You need a lot of things,” she teased.

  “Oh yeah? Like what?” I teased back, wrapping her up in my arms.

  “Mmmm... For starters, a long hot bath and a good spanking,” she grinned.

  “What’s the spanking for or is it a general kind of spanking?”

  “Just gotta keep you in line,” Nat said. Her hands rubbed my sides and she buried her nose in my skin to breathe me.

  No sooner than she breathed did I feel her lips and tongue tasting the soft skin of my breast and leaving smooth purple love bites like rose petals, just there.

  “We haven't had enough time,” she panted hungrily. “I miss you, baby.”

  “Oh, I miss you too, especially when you’re doing things like that.”

  I shivered underneath her but not from cold. She would have to stop soon and that made me frown.

  For now, though, she cherished me and tasted me and pet me like we were together alone and not with her ex in some nearby room.

  “Are we gonna go home soon?” I asked.

  “I dunno,” Nat breathed, not excited to be thinking. “I'd like to hang out a little if she's into it. You don't have to stay though. I get that it's probably weird.”

  She pushed down my body and dragged her forehead down my stomach stopping just short of my sex. Her body was practically folded, in child’s pose and her knees were close between my legs. I felt the presence of her perfect face. Her nose tracing over my bikini line in delicate temptation.

  “There's something up with her,” Nat breathed against me, thinking about Olivia.

  I took a few deep breaths and tried to keep my mind from wandering away.

  “Like what?” I asked.

  “I wish I knew,” Nat confessed.

  “She won’t tell you?”

  Nat was magic at getting people to talk and Olivia seemed to have nothing but fondness for her. There was a sense of awkward surrounding her but I figured that as just Olivia. That unresolved thing between them was bigger than I thought.

  “We didn't have much time,” Nat said. “I wanna know what her life has really been like. And, of course, she's keeping it from me. Just like she used to.”

  “You’ll get her to talk. You’re better than a CIA interrogation expert,” I told her.

  When we’d started dating I had tried to keep a lot of things from her but she pulled it all out and eventually I found myself wanting to tell her because she made me feel like I wasn’t crazy. Well, as crazy as I was at the time.

  It still hurt to think of those things. My mother’s death and my dad leaving my sister and I to fend for ourselves. She just managed to get her first real job recently and moved out. She’d been living with me and Nat for a little while.

  “Olivia’s a vault when she wants to be,” Nat said.

  “You’ve got the combination. I can see it in her. She’s still into you,” I said.

  “Eek. I'd rather that second part not be true. The last thing I'd want is for all of these years to have been wasted for her. I never would've thought that possible. Olivia was really demanding. But I'm starting to wonder and I'm not liking that heat on my chest.”

  “I hope it wasn't wasted but I think she really does have feelings of some kind. I don't know how I'd ever get over you if I had to do it,” I said.

  “Hey, don't say that. I don't like to think about that,” Nat said. “You have no reason to think about that. Why are you going there?”

  She sat up on her knees and looked down on me a bit upset. Her hands rest on the tops of her thighs and her face was almost grave because of what I'd said, the place I had gone.

  “I was just putting myself in her shoes. I don’t think for a second that it would actually happen. I promise,” I reassured.

  A few years ago it would have been a different story but I got over my insecurity about her leaving me for someone better. It was all her fault for making me feel like a real, valued person. Another reason to love her and it made me a lot more grounded.

  “Good,” Nat said, a little peeved.

  “Hm, I upset you a little. I didn’t mean to but I know I’ve got you forever,” I said, leaning up and giving her a quick kiss on the lips. “Now, why don’t I get dressed and go home. I’ll have a shower, get some work done and when you come home I’ll be waiting in bed with nothing on.”

  “Um, I uh… I'm a little hesitant to allow you to leave,” she beamed, excited about the prospect of a very naked me.

  “Hey, remember we’ve got all the time in the world for you to take advantage of me. I might even send you a few pictures while I wait,” I teased.

  “You're really mean,” she laughed, throwing her head back and blushing.

  “Here I was thinking I was doing you a favor but I could just save it for when you get home. You might need to decompress after your talk with Olivia.”

  “Okay yeah, you should really go,” Nat teased. “I want those pictures to come sooner rather than later. And all you've been doing is teasing me here.”

  “I like it when you’re bossy,” I said.

  I watched her for a moment before removing myself from her grasp, languid in my movements. I wasn’t in a hurry. Her eyes told me so many things about what she would do to me later. We always had the best sex. I’d gotten used to being turned on ninety percent of the time I was around her.

  She watched me as I got off the bed and went about sliding my dress back on. I didn’t bother with my underwear or bra because they were still wet. I knew she’d bring them back with her. I bent over to grab one of my heels and turned back to s
ee her still watching.

  All I did was smile and find my other shoe, slipping them on and giving her a Cheshire Cat smile.

  “Tell Olivia that it was lovely to meet her and I hope I see her again soon,” I instructed.