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  “I dunno,” she said, a little bothered. “I'm uh. I'm all messed up, I guess.” She never liked to be really sad. From the drawer she pulled out a muscle tank and threw it on, frustrated.

  “You're not messed up. It's just an awkward situation and you care about her. I know you. Just don't tear yourself apart,” I said, letting her walk away.

  “No, I mean,” she laughed and scratched her head, looking over at me. “It's not just that I feel like an asshole. I- I didn't even notice what she was doing. I suck,” she smiled, all bummed and angry at herself.

  “You don't suck. Whatever she did and whatever you didn't see happened. It's not your fault and you can't change it so I guess you just have to mend things and be her friend now. She seems like she could use one and you're a really good friend to have,” I said.

  Standing by the bed was tempting. I could just jump back in and sleep till I woke up with a headache but we had to go work this weekend and I needed my time with her. Just not like this. She was upset and I could feel her mentally beating herself up. She didn't deserve it.

  “I was always ahead of her,” Nat said, still hung up. “This… This is just making me look at everything differently. I can't just pretend I played no part in our distance. Even if I didn't really know why we broke up or why she had such a change or why all these years she avoided me and managed to get me to not know about that. It’s fucked up, baby.”

  Suddenly she got really emotional, sitting down on the edge of our bed and nearly crumbling, crying into her hands. When she cried it was always like a secret; quiet, almost reserved. I could miss it if I wasn't paying attention enough. And Nat rarely cried out of genuine sadness.

  It wasn't easy to stop talking and just hold her but I did. There was nothing I could do to fix it so I went to the bed and sat down, hugging her with my body facing her side so I could get more of her in my arms.

  “I know,” I said, petting the back of her head. “It's okay.”

  “I'm sorry,” she whispered. “It's just really upsetting.”

  “Yeah, I know, baby,” I whispered back.

  I kissed her cheek and put my forehead to her temple.

  “I love you,” I murmured.

  She took these things so hard like she could save the world or just someone's world. She took too much on her shoulders and I tried to help but she felt responsible for this.

  She held me close and cried a little before calming down.

  “I'm sorry,” she laughed through sadness. “We were supposed to have some time and I'm all distracted.”

  She wiped some tears from under her eyes and touched me tenderly.

  “It's okay. You're sad and you needed to cry. I'm sorry you feel bad,” I said.

  Nat kissed me sadly and pulled away. “Would it be too horrible if I slept a little more? I’m actually really tired.”

  “No, not at all. I'll hold you,” I said.

  I kept myself open to feel her, so I could try and take her sadness away. I didn't do powerless well but I could try.

  I moved away and crawled up onto the bed behind her to wait for her body to come to mine.

  She crawled up the bed and surprised me with a very intense kiss and then another and another.

  I let her control things even when I got over the surprise but I did pull to get her closer. This was action I could take.

  A fever seemed to strike her just as sudden as that sadness had come. Her hands were pushing my clothes away from my skin and begging for me to bend to her. Her lips trailing down the middle of my body, making a perfect trail, until they stopped at my sex and she decided instead to live within me, lose herself in tasting me, make my body come to life.

  8

  (Olivia)

  Being back home is always tricky. Some people have childhoods they look back on with such a positive lense and mine is just a muddled memory I’m unsure about factually. I’ve learned to not trust my own thoughts, my own visions. For instance, I was shit with Natalie and I know that now.

  Likewise, my parents are different people than I remember them to have been and I have to attribute a lot of that inconsistency to my hyperactive adolescent brain and how it decided to perceive them.

  The age old question only an adult can look back and ask: Did they get better or did I?

  The question haunts me at times but the best way for me to move on is to not think about it. Rehashing old wounds just reopens them and makes them bleed. I’m not strong enough for all that. I’d rather be stone and forget.

  I grew up in this town, in this place. Smooth tan sand on my beaches, the kind that people would pay for to be bottled up and sent off in little jars. The large towering oak trees scatter between the palms and the pines, turning the entirety of land into a versatile, unpredictable, garden.

  Home reminds me of early mornings and ocean spray. The air is better here, it’s fresher. And the sun is softer, I’ve missed its more gentle kiss.

  Since I’ve been living more inland near wine country, it’s nice to be here so close to the coast but I can’t help but harken back and feel a bit of that darkness in me, the darkness I’ve tried to hide away and forget about, rework into some less eccentric thing.

  My parents are forgiving and I never had many friends to worry about running into or hurting. There are a lot of people I know and ignore when I see them. They ignore me too. We all pretend we forgot. That’s what it’s like to be older.

  Natalie, of course, was a sight for sore eyes. Perhaps the one person I can't possibly dance around or forget. She takes over me. Which is why I'd been avoiding her for so long. What right had I ever to be in her life and take up her light?

  Avery's a nice fit for her. Beautiful, thoughtful, the perfect person to cuddle and adore. Just the sight of her made me both interested and comfortable, and that was before I knew Nat was with her. I remember that much.

  Nothing like me.

  Just as I thought. Natalie never looked for me, I just sort of happened to her, made her sad, took up her time, and ruined things.

  Avery's a much better fit.

  “Thanks for coming out today. I just really wanted to go to the beach while I was here.”

  “It’s no problem,” Nat said. “I haven’t been off much. Doing anything that isn’t charity or scripted is a blessing, believe me.”

  I tried not to stare over at her. Beside her, Avery was laid out on her towel in her expensive bikini with her sunglasses on.

  Wow…

  Avery’s abs were impressive. Okay, her entire body was impressive and with her sunglasses on I even missed her water blue eyes, her eyebrows perfectly shaped, those soft near-hidden freckles that now seemed to jump from her skin because of her time beneath the sun and the influence of sand and salt water, rubbing and washing.

  Nat whistled. I looked over and noticed her eyebrows were raised.

  “Oh,” I said, realizing she’d noticed me staring at her person. “Sorry,” I mouthed. What I wanted to say was: she’s really really pretty. Good job.

  A goddess.

  I couldn’t compete.

  Next to Avery I was dull. An obvious mistake.

  Her chest rose and fell, beautiful breasts, perfect collar bone, no scars I could see. I leaned back onto my elbows so I would no longer be tempted to bath her with my unwanted gaze.

  “Have you seen your parents?” Natalie asked me.

  “Mhmm,” I answered, ignoring both of their physical bodies, for good measure and a sharper sense of mind. I stared out at the people, they were walking near the shore. They were laughing, flirting. I watched them kiss.

  “Good or bad?” Nat asked, shaking me from my daze.

  “Just okay,” I said. Nat and I hadn’t been close for several years now but somehow I still felt like she could hear my every thought and sense my shifting moods.

  “They never were that present with you.”

  “I dunno,” I said, enjoying the soft sun and the company that mattered for once. “I was kinda shitt
y when I was younger.”

  Nat laughed. “Okay well… That is true.”

  “Yeah,” I said, not happy about it or amused like she was. Nat always got such joy out of seeing every piece of me. I never understood. That behavior in her was encouraging all the wrong in me.

  “Aw sweetie. I was kidding,” Nat said.

  “It’s okay,” I said. I wasn’t kidding though. And I didn’t care if she knew.

  “You don’t really think that way about yourself do you?”

  “I don’t know what to think.”

  And I didn’t like that we were just openly talking about this. My strategy to leave it all kept on being thwarted by her.

  “You weren’t shitty Olivia.”

  I swallowed and laid down onto my back. Maybe if I ignored her she’d stop saying lovely things that made me want her all the more. Maybe if I just laid still I’d forget I had a brain or thoughts, I’d just lay and be living yet lifeless like a tree without wind.

  “Aaaand you’re being weird,” Nat said, laying down too.

  I could feel them both and in my mind I imagined their bodies. Was Avery’s side burning like mine was. Could she feel how close Natalie was, how easily she could be touched by her in an instant? It was all I could feel.

  “She's right. I've only met you twice and I can tell,” Avery added.

  “Hmm,” I thought. What was I to do if I was strange? “Forgive me. It’s been a long time since I’ve actually talked to someone who really knows me well.”

  “If that’s true it’s sad,” Natalie said.

  I felt her fingers slip into mine and hold my hand.

  All I could think to do was stay quiet. Her hand in mine made me grateful. If I let myself feel it too much I would cry. I felt like a child again, all that hope flooding inside of my veins.

  Beside her again, I could be a dying flower with life returning.

  I took my hand back and sat up, rubbing my palm onto my thigh and then leaning forward to rub my neck with both of my hands.

  “I’m going back tomorrow,” I said, trying to will it to be so. What was I trying to do here with her anyway? She was taken and happy and all I could ever do for her was mess her shit up. It wasn’t good.

  “Oh, that sucks,” Nat said, sitting up too. “I thought we might have some more time. I don’t have to start filming again for another week or so.”

  Then you can have that week with Avery, I thought. Willing myself to not be shit and try to steal her away.

  “Where are you going to film?” I asked, forcing the subject to change.

  “Canada,” Nat said. She knew I was being weird and avoiding important things.

  “You can come with us if you don't have an elsewhere to be,” Avery chimed in.

  “Uhh…” I laughed nervously, looking over at Nat. It was strange to me that Avery would offer that. Perhaps she did not understand my motives. Perhaps she knew she had nothing to worry about anyway. “I dunno,” I said sadly.

  “Oh come on, why not?” Nat smiled, peering over at me.

  “I uh... Guess you weren’t kidding about wanting to come stay with me,” I realized.

  “Of course I wasn’t kidding. You’ve been like this phantom to me. And now you’re here, living,” she teased, hands clasping my arms strongly and shaking me.

  “Stop,” I laughed, unable to handle the physical from her.

  “Okay,” she laughed too. “But you should come. Really.”

  “What just… Fly out to Canada, randomly?”

  It wasn’t the weirdest thing. I was trying to make it seem that way though. Talk myself out of the gift.

  “Like you don’t fly out to Japan or Mexico or Paris every other weekend,” Nat said. “How is Canada any different?”

  “A lot of that is for business,” I said, being careful.

  I didn’t want to get excited or even allow myself to think it was a good idea.

  “Right, business. All those fancy hotels and spas and free parties.”

  I stared over at her, bothered but trying not to be mean.

  “Come on. You have to come,” Nat said, deciding it. “You’ve been hiding from me too long. You owe me.”

  I stared over at Avery, I was softly considering and already too guilty about what I craved.

  “You should know not to say no to Nat. You'll regret it,” Avery said, raising her sunglasses and smiling.

  “Always do,” I said, staring for a second at this woman who was so secure in her love.

  “So you’ll come?”

  “Sure,” I said, caving. I’d probably change my mind later, once I’d given myself a little space from her. I could be stronger then, make better decisions for all of us.

  “Yes!” Nat reveled in her victory.

  “Don’t make me change my mind,” I said.

  “Ah you won’t,” she teased.

  I swallowed my discomfort down and felt it mix amongst my hopes inside.

  Perhaps it would be okay. Perhaps I could just stop in for a night or two and leave better for it. No drama. No mess.

  It was a pipe-dream but it was something better than the same crap I’d been enduring every day.

  9

  (Avery)

  That offer could be the start of disaster for me. That outside chance was one I kept in mind but only out of necessity. Nat loved me, but what she’d had with Olivia was first love, one that eclipsed time.

  Sharing Nat with the memory of Olivia was much easier than sharing her with the real live version that clearly wanted to take her away. There was nothing to do but let it play out. If I ended up with a broken heart, I’d live. I always did. I owed Nat that.

  Disrespecting the sacrifices she had made for me was not an option. As much as I needed her with me, that’s how much I would hate it if she were unhappy. That’s why I invited Olivia to Vancouver, knowing what she wanted and knowing how much Nat would love to spend more time with her.

  I’d cope. I might cry a little thinking of the possibility of being second but Nat would always love me more than I could imagine. That’s why I could smile while I sat in the airport Starbucks waiting for Olivia to arrive.

  I sipped my Americano and pushed my sunglasses up higher on my head. It had been chilly since we arrived. The sun had come out intermittently but it stayed close to fifty degrees. That kept me in sweaters and jeans. There had been photographers at the airport when we had arrived. Now, it was blissfully normal.

  I was used to sharing Nat with the world but sharing her with Olivia would be an adjustment. I could be good though. I crossed my legs and watched as people passed by the glass walls of the cafe.

  There were people of every kind. They reunited with family, ran to catch a plane, and cried for any number of reasons. All of this humanity in one place. It affected me greatly if I thought about it. I lived in a insulated world of words and love. I write the words and love a woman who returns that love. I’m incredibly lucky; a life to be thankful for always.

  My mind wandered and I looked back at the book I’d brought with me. My bookmark was in the same place that it had been yesterday when I was reading on set. Dark thoughts had taken me since waking this morning. The door to the world was open and someone was walking through it. This wasn’t anything I’d dealt with before, not on a serious level.

  Such a serious nature on a small pleasing frame. I noticed her before she saw me but then her eyes caught mine and caught light. Realizing, she laughed to herself, nervous, and waved as she approached me.

  “Hi,” she said, pulling me in for an interesting hug. Olivia was overly intimate in an unmistakably gentle way, there was really no way to describe it. She lingered a little too long and was quiet before noticing herself. “I hope you weren’t waiting long. You really didn’t have to do this. I could’ve gotten a car.”

  “There’s nothing like having someone waiting for you when you get off a flight. I always make sure I pick my friends up in person. It’s nice and this way I didn’t have to sit arou
nd set, listening to the director be an ass to everyone.”

  When she released me from the hug I kept my hands on her arms and leaned back to look at her.

  “You’re nervous,” I pointed out.

  I pursed my lips and chuckled, letting out a little sigh afterwards.

  “I promise this will be fun. Now, let’s go get your luggage and head to the hotel,” I said, taking her arm and walking toward the luggage claim.