After Reed Read online

  “Wha-ah- yeah, yeah,” I said, nodding as I tried to hold her body up and feel what she was doing all at once. “Just, ah. Little, fast,” I huffed out, feeling pain.

  “I’ll go slow,” she said, kissing down the side of my neck and slowing inside me.

  “Ah, fuck,” I groaned. She’d worked me up and I knew I’d come down soon but it felt good to be high.

  “I’m really sorry,” she panted.

  “Shut up,” I begged, pulling her face in my hands and letting her kiss me while she helped me to feel better.

  “We should’ve done this three days ago,” she breathed loudly and so did I.

  “I know, I suck,” I squeezed out. I just couldn’t do anything. It all felt too wrong given everything.

  I wrapped my legs around her body and lost control as she finally got to me in every way a person possibly could.

  For a small span of time everything stopped in me, my thoughts, my fears, my worries, everything stopped.

  When I gasped for air after that it all filled me up again and I remembered.

  “I’m sorry it took me so long,” she said, once I’d finally cum.

  She wasn’t talking about that though, she was talking about this, about coming out to see us. She knew it was wrong. She should’ve come right away. Everyone should’ve come but no one did it right, no one tried. It was just me.

  “I wish I could take it back,” she whispered, touching me sweetly and feeling me ache inside, feeling even the inside of me relax.

  “Please stop thinking about it,” I said, hurt by her thoughts and her guilt. I’d much rather she be fucking me because she wanted me.

  Everyone loved me out of feelings of guilt. What was so wrong with me? What was so wrong that people needed to feel guilty in order to stay in my life?

  She hit me inside again and the timing was bad. As I came, I broke, mental walls crashing down with the physical.

  “Ohh, no,” Nora whined. “Shit, no,” she said, pulling her hand away from my sex and trying to comfort me. “Baby, no,” she said. “I’m sorry, baby.”

  “Stop apologizing,” I cried. “That’s all I ever hear.” I gasped as I turned away from her and hugged the pillow to my stomach and my face.

  All I wished was that Reed was here.

  Chapter Thirteen

  Leah

  Something must’ve happened between Nora and Nat. More than a week went by and Nora stayed.

  In the beginning, I’d heard talk of Nora only having one week.

  Nat was on edge.

  They seemed to settle into something and I watched as they changed a little, revolving around one another, creating this sort of practiced dance.

  I was coming back into reality and they were a part of, they were maybe the only part that still mattered to me.

  “Poetry?” Nora asked.

  She’d been watching me scribble. I’d been writing every day since I really woke.

  “The dreams,” I said. “I wish I had my journals from before…” My words melted off.

  “I can go get them,” she said. “I’m sure your mom would mail them.”

  “I don’t want to talk to my mom.” I felt a sour taste in my throat. My mom had given up on me. She’d sent me away. She couldn’t deal.

  I did think of our space; Reed’s things.

  The first night after waking, once I got my limbs together, the first thing I really made a point of doing was getting Reed’s hoodie.

  It still smelt so much like her. It was like it’d been soaked in her scent before death.

  Even crying on it seemed wrong. I breathed Reed in and closed my eyes. I breathed her in and remembered. I remembered every stupid fucking thing. Mcdonald’s, hot tub sex, that day at the beach before graduation. I remembered her. I remember her everywhere and I ache.

  “I let myself dream for so long,” I said. “I need to figure out what was real and what wasn’t.”

  “Why’s it matter?” Nora asked.

  “What do you mean?” Of course it fucking mattered.

  “You knew her, I mean, you know her. What you think she would do, that’s what she would do. Your dreams are just as real now as your memories. That’s why you could get lost in them.”

  I’d never thought of it like that.

  I still wanted a clear separation though. I wanted a timeline. I wanted to retrace us over and over. I wanted to spend my life relieving every sweet little thing Reed said. Every touch she made. Every laugh she let me hear. Every tiny thing that gave me life.

  “It feels wrong creating her,” I said.

  Nonfiction versus fiction. I didn’t want to be a mad doctor recreating that woman that I loved.

  All-in-all, I didn’t expect Eleanora to understand.

  “When Tammy left me I thought all kinds of foolish things.”

  “You think I’m being foolish?” I snapped.

  “I don’t, no. Not at all,” she said. “The way you think about Reed. That has nothing to do with delusion. You’re not trying to recreate her. You’re trying to keep her alive, alive as she really was. I’d seen only one side of Tammy and I thought it was real but it wasn’t. It just wasn’t the same.”

  “Oh…” I said, realizing. She’d just gotten caught up in her own musings.

  Nat came into the room and leaned down to hug me from behind. She kissed my neck a few times and made me smile. “More Reed dreams?”

  “More Reed dreams,” I said back.

  “If she’s watching she’s making fun of you,” Nat said sweetly. She always hugged me way longer than I thought she would and it always felt good.

  “I’m gonna go into town and get us some fresh groceries,” Nora said.

  “Maybe we all should go into town,” Nat suggested, looking over to me.

  “Baby steps,” I said.

  “Okay, maybe not,” she laughed.

  “You can leave me alone, ya know. I’m not having suicidal thoughts, at least, not right this second. I’ll tell you if they flare up.”

  “No you won’t,” Nat said.

  “I mean it though. It’s not healthy, you giving up all of life just to babysit me.”

  “Since when am I healthy?” Nat smiled.

  “It’s okay, I’ll go,” Nora said. “I wanna go.”

  I looked back down at my written dream, the most recent. I still had so far to go.

  Every night it was something new. Now that I’d come back into myself the dreams had only gotten more detailed. I didn’t feel the tug of that undertow but I did feel Reed, I felt her everywhere.

  Nat walked Nora out. They asked me if I wanted anything. I still couldn’t find will for requests. Whatever they made was too much. Whatever they bought was too much. I didn’t crave for anything except her.

  The world was just here now. It was just like before only worse. Now I knew how good it had once been.

  “Will you walk with me?” I asked.

  “Of course,” Nat said.

  My muscles were so pathetic now. I didn’t want to be this physically weak.

  I put shoes on for the first time in eight months and Nat walked behind me going extra slow.

  “What’s happening with you and Nora?”

  “I think she likes me,” Nat said.

  “Oh,” I said. I don’t even know why I’d asked. Of course that’s what was going on. It was natural. I had to get used to the real world again. The whole problem was, without Reed, I wasn’t used to anything before.

  The road felt too long as soon as we’d gotten onto it.

  “You don’t have to go far, baby.”

  “I know,” I said. But her saying it made it more of a reality. She allowed me an out and I loved her for doing that. I was stubborn. She knew my ways.

  I didn’t make it too far.

  It took me a long time just to go to the end of the long wire-and-post fence. I don’t think I ever realized how big the property was. We really were in the middle of nowhere. Nat wanted to protect me. She wanted me
safe.

  “That’s probably enough for now. That’s really good,” Nat said, noticing my shakiness, my lack of strength.

  If Reed were here she’d want to carry me.

  Reed wasn’t here.

  I struggled my way back to the door and Natalie let me, she knew I wanted to be capable all on my own. It felt lonely. I felt sad.

  “I think I’m tired,” I said.

  “No shit,” Nat laughed, holding my elbow to help me inside.

  “No, I wanna sleep,” I said.

  “You wanna dream,” Nat vocalized.

  “I do,” I said, trying not to feel the pain of it.

  “Do you want me to nap with you?”

  “No, I’m okay,” I lied.

  Even during all those months, it was almost like Nat being there was this trick. Sometimes I really thought she was Reed.

  I was fucked up to want her for that. Even when I was unconscious of it, I was using her.

  I was broken for sure.

  Chapter Fourteen

  Nat

  I couldn’t tell if she really wanted to be alone or not. Her words said no but her body said yes and I usually listened to both to make my decisions.

  This time, since it’d been so long since she spoke, I let her words do the deciding. I couldn’t tell anything anymore.

  Nora agreed to go on leave from work. I felt a little weird about it. I hadn’t asked her to. I couldn’t tell anymore what was guilt.

  I wanted to sleep with Leah, just like I wanted to carry her inside, but I made myself stay away. Leah was trying to be strong and I recognized that behavior, it was bravery. She deserved to feel brave. Anyone less would be dead by now.

  If she wanted me, she’d ask. Our relationship was always that way, spare that small spot of time when she was literally in some other dimension all by herself.

  I sat outside her room and felt paranoid while she rest alone on the bed.

  It was harder now that she was awake.

  When she was asleep I could always protect her. Now I needed permission. I was reminded how much I needed that with her. It was something I could never sidestep. I had a crutch about it. It set her apart.

  Nora had been telling me to give Leah more space.

  I felt Leah didn’t want so much space. I felt it in every piece of me.

  I may have kept her in her head for too long. It may have been all my fault.

  I couldn’t say. I wasn’t smart. I wasn’t a fucking doctor.

  I went to the kitchen and made myself drink a glass of wine.

  I couldn’t relax though. I was always on edge.

  I wished it was me instead of Reed. If I could press some button, or flip some switch, I wouldn’t even hesitate. I’d trade places in a heartbeat. Leah was happier with Reed. I wanted them to have their life. But now we were both somehow here.

  After twenty minutes of respecting her wishes I peeked in the room and saw her notice me.

  She moved to sit up.

  “No, don’t,” I tried.

  “Come hold me,” she said. Either she was sensing my needs or she wanted me. Either way, I was grateful.

  I crawled up behind her and held her to me with my whole body. I was so much more careful with her now. She was so fragile. She’d always been fragile but she was even more so now.

  “I’m not used to sleeping alone,” she said.

  “Me neither,” I confessed.

  “I hope it doesn’t bother you.”

  “It couldn’t,” I laughed. “I love holding you Leah.”

  “Okay…” She said, leery. “If I ever get too annoying though, just shut me down.”

  “Did you forget I love you?”

  “No…” She said.

  “Okay, don’t,” I said. “I think I’m happiest when I’m holding you like this. It’s the best part of my whole day.”

  “That’s sweet if it’s true,” she said softly.

  “It’s true,” I said. “It’s always been true.”

  I heard the garage and knew Nora was already back.

  “We should probably go help her,” Leah said.

  “Shhhh,” I hushed, holding her forehead with my hand. “Let's both dream of Reed.”

  “Okay,” she laughed. “Weirdo.”

  I didn’t care if she thought I was weird. I hadn’t lied to her. I never lied.

  Chapter Fifteen

  Leah

  Nat was sweet. Every time I thought she couldn’t get sweeter she always did.

  Her words gave me permission to sleep, to indulge, and to dream.

  The walk made me tired enough. The world made me tired.

  In my dream Reed and I were running along Big Sur. It was almost a memory. It was like the morning of our wedding only she didn’t bolt ahead and leave my side. And at the end she really did carry me on her back.

  “As soon as we get there we’ll shower,” she said.

  She was always making our plans for mundane things.

  “Yes we will,” I smiled. “And you’ll take care of me.”

  “I’ll always take care of you,” she panted happily.

  I woke to an empty bed. The smell of mushrooms in butter, with onions, the smell of meat.

  Talking came to my ears from the kitchen.

  I whined into my pillow and hit my fists on it a few times.

  “I love you…”

  I heard her voice.

  It was weird.

  It was like before but it felt so real.

  I perked up and sat on the bed all suspicious.

  “Reed?” I whispered.

  Nothing was there.

  I was literally going mad.

  I whined some more and got onto my feet to go out to the kitchen.

  “Oh look, its sleeping beauty.”

  “I’m gonna need you to stop calling me that,” I said.

  Nora was real good at pissing me off. It’s probably why I woke up; just to be pissed at her.

  I wasn’t talking about just now. I was talking about in the scheme of things.

  I could only take her in my environment for a few minutes before I wanted to fight someone.

  “Want some wine?” Nat asked.

  “Oh, I shouldn’t,” I said. I was already hearing Reed like she was alive. Alcohol could only make that sort of thing more intense.

  “Leah, turning down wine?” Nora teased.

  “Will you please just be nice to me?” I asked.

  “Yes, Princess.”

  The word hit a nerve. My whole body twitched. Reed called me that sometimes. Reed meant it.

  Nat looked to Nora and shook her head to warn her not to say it again.

  “Whoops,” Nora said. “Sorry.”

  I walked to the fridge and got a water out and drank some.

  So much of daily life felt 500 times more mundane.

  We ate. They were both super sweet to me.

  I could notice how careful Nat was with me though and it frightened me a lot.

  She was so worried about me she was sacrificing everything.

  She’d given up so many opportunities just to nurse me back to health on her own dime.

  “I’m paying you back,” I said, mad at her sometime later, after she fully explained how we got out to where we were. I had no idea she had bought the place to take care of me in. I thought for sure this was my mom’s idea. I don’t know why.

  It was just so intense and unnecessary.

  I wanted to be upset with her but I knew I’d do the same if it were her. I knew it deep down and that knowledge altered the proper list of things I could say.

  After dinner I changed into my swimsuit and moved to go out to the dock in the back yard.

  “Whhhere do you think you’re going?” Nat asked nervously.

  “Well, I’m wearing a bathing suit. So, swimming,” I said, like I was the most innocent of innocents and she was a fucking idiot.