After Reed Read online

  She might live again, and I might live, but, in this life, we were done.

  My tears felt like acid as I broke.

  “Oh baby, no, what is it?” Nat cooed.

  I sobbed violently but tried to speak. My words came out fragmented, with a panicked gasp between every one. “I-Can’t-Even-Get-To-Her-By-Dying-” I cried even harder and felt my whole body shake.

  “She’s feeling it,” Nora said. Her words hit me and calmed me a bit because I did not understand. “All this time she’s been putting it off.”

  “I know baby,” Nat crooned, rubbing my back and trying to help me to feel okay. “We don’t know about the afterlife. We don’t know anything,” she added on.

  “Don’t tell her that,” Nora said gruffly.

  “Why not?!” Nat asked, definitely grumpy.

  I had hiccups from crying. My body ached from underuse and now this. It was hard to breathe.

  “Why do you think?!” Nora asked all angered.

  “Leah,” Nora said. “Leah, this is good. You’re not retreating anymore. You’re not hiding.”

  There was nothing good.

  My life was all meaningless now. How could she say this was good?

  “You need to grieve,” Nora said. “Just let it out. It’s wrong. It’s horrible. You need to feel it even though it’s not fun.”

  What the fuck was she saying?!

  If I said that to her about her ex, way back when, she would’ve hit me.

  “You’re an asshole,” I cried.

  “Oh-ho,” Nora cooed, still trying to help me. “Sure I am,” she said. “You wanna hit me? Come on do it, I actually want you to.”

  “Fuck you,” I muttered, crawling all the way onto Natalie and hugging her with the whole of myself.

  “I think Leah’s back,” I heard Nora laugh.

  “Shhhh,” Nat snapped at Nora while she still held onto me. “She doesn’t need you fucking baiting her.”

  “You are both right, I’m the actual villain,” Nora grumbled, calling us out.

  “Just shhh,” Nat sat, not amused, not by any of it.

  Chapter Ten

  Nat

  She’s awake. She’s really awake.

  Her arms around me feel like heaven.

  If Reed was here she’d be so happy.

  What am I thinking though? If Reed was here…

  “Just let it out, baby,” I soothed.

  She was squeezing me so fucking tight.

  “I wanna be with her,” Leah wailed.

  “I know,” I soothed.

  “K, yeah, I’m just gonna be in the other room for a bit,” Nora said awkwardly. She was taking her chance.

  “Just go,” I said grumpily. If she couldn’t handle it, why the fuck did she come?!

  Leah kept crying and she kept saying things and I kept holding her. It was almost like that day in the morgue only there were no scalpels and there was no blood.

  “I’m so sorry,” she wailed. “I’m so fucking sorry.”

  “I love you,” I choked sadly. “I love you, I’m so sorry this happened.”

  “No,” she choked too, crying on me and finally stopping her words for just the one. “No-oh,” she kept on crying. “Nooo,” she kept saying it, over and over as she sobbed.

  I held her and rubbed her back. Nora was right, Leah needed to feel it or she’d never be able to live.

  Chapter Eleven

  Leah

  I ran into reality again. This time I knew it was because Reed would want me to. I could only dream about her for so long before realizing it was all in my head.

  I wanted the real Reed, soft skin and blonde hair, piercing blue eyes, that deep voice surprisingly female. I wanted her back. But that couldn’t happen.

  I got to a point where the dreams just felt wrong.

  We had so many memories.

  What was I doing?

  I was confusing myself… I was corrupting us.

  What if I couldn’t remember now? What was real? What wasn’t?

  What if I lost her? Lost us?

  I mean, I already had to lose her, that was clear, but the real her? The real memories?

  I felt myself slipping, I think.

  Reality was mixing up with the dreams. It scared me so much.

  Natalie held me and took care of me. I got to a point where I couldn’t cry anymore and then I was just thinking.

  It wasn’t like before. Before I couldn’t connect my thoughts, I couldn’t keep them in a straight line.

  I was thinking like before again. It was both freeing and terrifying.

  “Do you wanna sleep?” Nat asked, her voice hoarse from trying to calm me.

  “I’ve been sleeping too long,” I said. “I want to die but that won’t help anything. I know that now.”

  “I can’t say what will help…” Nat’s voice sounded so sad. I’d been hearing her all this time but now she was real and I felt her so much more.

  “You didn’t have to do this,” I said.

  “I did though,” she answered.

  “No,” I said. She didn’t have to. She could’ve left me. I would’ve been challenged either way. I would’ve woken up either way. Either way I’d still arrive to this life without Reed. I didn’t need to ruin Nat too.

  “I wasn't going to leave you to die in some hospital,” Nat choked on the words. “I wanted to do what Reed would do.”

  What Reed would do…

  I thought about that for too long and almost slipped again, almost fell right back into my addicting dreams.

  “Reed would’ve wanted you to be happy too,” I reminded.

  “If you died because no one cared enough to watch you it would’ve ruined my whole life,” Nat drug up the bare truth.

  “I’m so fucking sorry,” I said, feeling it everywhere.

  “Don’t be sorry,” she said. “I haven’t lost anything else, except what you’ve lost. We’ve both lost Reed. Don’t be sorry. I miss her too...”

  It shouldn’t surprise me that Nat was the one.

  It shouldn’t surprise me but still it does.

  Not my mom. Not Reed’s parents. Not my dad.

  It always came down to Nat. She always saved me.

  “I didn’t deserve her and I don’t deserve you.”

  “Don’t say that.” She hated it when I told her the truth.

  “I should’ve been there. For both of you.”

  There was never any going back. What happened happened. I was always the fuck up. There was no chance to rewind.

  “You’re my real family, Leah…”

  Just when I thought I ran out of tears…

  “You and Reed,” she continued. “And she’s not really gone. Not to me…”

  I wanted to know where Nat thought Reed was…

  “What do you mean?” I asked.

  “I’m Catholic,” Nat laughed through tears. “I believe in Heaven. I think she’s there.”

  “What is Heaven? Where is Heaven?”

  “I don’t know,” she sounded small all of a sudden, more like a child, way more scared. “The soul is immortal. If you’re a good person you go to Heaven. Reed’s good.”

  “I don’t know what I believe,” I reminded. I wish I could just believe that Reed was safe and I’d find her again.

  “I’ll believe for the both of us. It’ll work,” Nat confessed through her soft tears.

  “You wanna fix everything, don’t you,” I laughed awkwardly.

  “I don’t want this to be the real end,” she said. “I can’t live in a world where you don’t see her again.”

  “Okay…” I said, trying to be right for her, at least for a little while. I owed her so much.

  “But what if there’s no Heaven?” I asked, hating myself. “I used to think there was one too. I’m not trying to be rude. What if it doesn’t exist?”

  “I don’t know,” Nat squeaked, laughing a bit. “Science that shit. Get a time machine. I don’t fucking care.”

  “Oh, you
don’t fucking care?” I laughed, tears ruling me. “Holy shit, I’m a mess,” I realized. “Eight fucking months.”

  I’d been catatonic.

  I’d completely gone away.

  What if Reed had been the one taking care of me? What if she’d been trying to get to me all this time?

  God…

  It was like before with her PTSD. She’d been gone…

  “What are you thinking?” Nat asked.

  “I’m thinking I miss her.”

  “I miss her too,” Nat answered.

  “I’d rather dream of her and not live I guess… That’s what I was doing.”

  “I think I started to see that,” she said.

  “Are you mad at me?”

  “I can’t be mad,” Nat tried to calm. “You’ve lost your everything. That’d be like me losing you.”

  I stared at her a second, before crying even harder and holding her again.

  “I’m so sorry,” I whispered. I couldn’t stop it.

  “I’m just glad you’re alive,” she wept more controlled.

  “I’m sorry.”

  I couldn’t agree with her on the last thing she said. Even by her rules, if I was dead I might be able to see my wife…

  Chapter Twelve

  Nat

  We’d reached a breakthrough, a real turning point.

  I wasn’t in some daydream though. I wasn’t of the mind that Leah would just snap out of mourning and become her old self in one day.

  Reed was important. She left her mark on all of us, especially me.

  If I felt this strongly, Leah must be drowning and I knew that was clear.

  I didn't want to make things harder on her. I didn’t want to replace Reed. I didn’t want to do anything but help.

  Reed had changed my life. She really had. Leah might not see it but without Reed I wouldn’t have a real positive relationship with anyone.

  But it wasn’t just that…

  We’d all been close. The years did nothing but solidify our bond. We’d been a unit until we all fell apart.

  I’d stayed with Leah and Reed. I’d comforted them both in different ways.

  I don’t want to think they used me but I felt loved by them both in different ways. Not just loved though, I felt needed.

  When Leah hurt Reed I helped Reed to feel good. When Reed hurt Leah I helped Leah. It was just this pattern we’d sort of rounded. And occasionally we’d all three be together and it’d feel like a real family, a real home.

  We found a way to not hold an imbalance.

  But one of us was missing now.

  We’d gone back in time and it was strange.

  None of us wanted to go back or devolve.

  If Reed was watching I knew very well that she felt sad.

  I thought about that a lot. Reed watching over us. Reed seeing what was happening.

  I believe in mediums. I believe in the afterlife. I believe in a lot of things.

  I had a ghost friend when I was a child, a boy who came to comfort me when I was sad.

  What I wouldn’t give now for Reed to just come to me like he did.

  I felt wrong thinking it but I thought it almost constantly while Leah was off in her head.

  With Nora here I don’t really take that route as often though in my mind. I was so alone.

  But I swear I feel Reed. I swear she’s here.

  I can’t tell Leah though. She’d get mad at me. It wouldn’t be right.

  When she fell asleep again I wiggled away and actually left her alone.

  The whole thing left me shaken.

  I walked to the fridge and opened it, finding a water and drinking it down.

  “She okay?”

  “What do you care?” I asked, grumpily.

  “You know I care,” Nora said, looking over at me like she was asking me to give her a break. Sexy older woman in my kitchen, more brain power than I could ever encompass and just living now to pester me.

  “I don’t know anything,” I said, taking my eyes away and walking past her to go change.

  Leah had cried all over my clothes and I felt like such an asshole.

  I was an asshole to ask her to live.

  It wasn’t fair.

  And it was selfish.

  “What’re you doing?” Nora asked, following me.

  “I can’t stand these clothes. I’m such a fucking idiot. I can’t even fix this. I can’t do a thing.”

  “Hey, stop,” Nora said, tugging on my arm.

  I pulled my arm away from her and continued trying to change.

  “Natalie, stop,” Nora said.

  “What the fuck are you doing here Nora?! Why are you here?!” I was angry. I had all this anger.

  “I wanted to see you,” she said. “I already told you. And don’t fucking yell at me.” She wasn’t raising her voice.

  “Did you just come here to fuck me? Huh? Is that what you want? Were you just horny and bored so you came to visit, came to see what it’s like out here?” I moved toward her and pushed her.

  “You got me,” she said sarcastically, holding her hands out to the side as if to say, go ahead, go ahead and hit me, I don’t care.

  “Fine then,” I said, pulling her shirt up over her head and throwing it off. “Come on let's just do it so you can leave. I’ll feel better if you leave.”

  “No you won’t,” Nora said, just standing before me all shirtless and challenging me.

  “You couldn’t even take her in there!” I yelled, scaring myself. I’d been so quiet for so fucking long. I hadn’t freaked out like this in front of anyone in over eight months.

  “You’ve been with her four days Nora. Four fucking days?! What kind of fucking psychiatrist are you?! You can’t even comfort your goddamn friend?!”

  “Natalie, you need to stop,” Nora warned, getting a little upset. “I can take a lot, okay. But I can’t take much more. I get that you’re projecting. I know where this anger came from. Believe me, I know.”

  She took a step forward and pulled me in to hug her.

  “I’m sorry,” she said.

  “Why is everyone FUCKING apologizing to me?!” I pushed her back.

  “Okay!” She yelled, finally frustrated with me. “Okay!” She laughed, mad at herself for getting frustrated. She was always too cool.

  I watched her walk to the door and shut it and then lock us both in.

  “What? What are you doing? Why’d you do that?!” I asked, bothered by her. I didn’t want Leah waking up alone. I needed to hear it if she made a sound. She was conscious now. If she woke she could really hurt herself. If she took a bath she could accidentally drown. My fears were all rational. I wasn’t insane.

  “Okay, Nat. Look,” Nora smiled, her eyebrows rising. “K, I tried this your way,” she said, taking a careful step forward. “Your way fucking sucks. Okay?!” She asked, bothered by me.

  “What are you talking about?!” I asked.

  “Now, here’s what’s gonna happen,” Nora said, still a few feet away from me. “You’re pissed off and upset and you want to take it out on me so I’m just going to let you okay? But we’re gonna do this without words.”

  “Without words?”

  “Yeah,” she said, nodding. “On the count of three,” she proposed.

  I didn’t even hear the countdown. By the time the number three was said I could already feel myself being thrown onto the bed, she was way too fast, and she was kissing me and her legs were so strong. Nora was into crossfit and UFC.

  I felt her hand slide down my pants. I had no say and she was inside me while she was kissing me.

  “AH!” I gasped, feeling her. “Fuck! Nora,” I rasped, feeling her deep inside as she caused me to feel something else.

  “I’m sorry,” she said, pushing inside me again and watching me. “Is this okay?”