After Reed Read online

  “Wait, what?!” I heard Nat and then fast steps on the wood. Her eyes were on mine and I saw her. “Did she just speak?!” Nat asked, turning around to look at Nora.

  “She did,” Nora laughed.

  “Are you fucking kidding me?!” Nat gasped, looking back to me and petting my cheeks with nothing but love.

  “Wh-water?” I tried again. It was my voice, I realized it now.

  “Jesus,” Nat gasped. I felt her lips on mine and she kissed me. I heard Nora laugh.

  My hand moved up slow and touched at my lips. I felt my own smile.

  “Sleeping beauty,” Nora shrugged. She sat back down and looked down at her book. She was ignoring me just like she usually would.

  I heard Nat’s feet again. Pretty soon, I was being fed something cool.

  I brought my hands up to hold onto the cup.

  “This is so crazy,” Nat said, standing up and looking down on me. When I watched I saw her holding her head. “She hasn’t spoken like that in months Nora.”

  My reactions were too slow. I was missing bits. I’d see looks. Hear some words but not all.

  I must’ve fallen asleep or something. When I woke up I was in bed. Nat was behind me again, holding me safely.

  I stared out the window at the dark. If Reed were here she’d be kissing me now…

  Chapter Six

  Nat

  “You’re magic or something.”

  “I’m really not.”

  “No, you are. I’ve been with her for months, trying…”

  “It’s just like a coma Natalie; you can’t do anything to predict what’ll work and what won’t.”

  “Seriously though, what’d you do?”

  “I didn’t do anything,” Nora smiled. She liked teasing me.

  “Were you just torturing me?”

  “What?!” Nora scoffed. “You don’t actually think I would do that to you, do you?”

  “No,” I grumbled. But, come on, I had to ask...

  “Hey,” Nora said, folding her leg up on the bed so she could sit behind me and pull me into a hug. “I know I’m not the nicest person but I would never do that to you,” she hugged me tight from behind.

  Leah lay beside us asleep. I wondered why it took Nora. I wondered why but I also had to think again about how little I affected Leandra when I wanted to be someone she could always feel. It hurt but I couldn’t think about it too much. It wasn’t fair.

  “I still can’t believe she spoke…” Relief washed over me.

  “You knew she was alive,” Nora said, carefully rocking me.

  “Did I?” I asked, dazed.

  “Sorry I haven’t been around too much.”

  “I get it,” I said.

  “No, I’ve wanted to,” Nora said. “Work’s just been a disaster. Plus… It’s been hard to think about things.”

  “Yup,” I said, hating it. I was the only one strong enough but it made me feel sad.

  Leah didn’t want me. She wanted everyone else.

  “Hey, I didn’t mean to make you sad.”

  I shrugged a little, pulling her arm off of me and sniffing as I got up.

  “I think I’m gonna go for a walk, can you watch her a little?”

  “Of course, you okay?”

  “Ya- ahh… Ya know what? No,” I confessed. I hadn’t told anyone how much it was taking out of me. Today made me see.

  I guess a big part of me felt like I had to do this alone. It was like I could feel Reed watching me. I don’t know. It’s hard to explain.

  “I can go with you-”

  “No,” I said. “I can’t leave her alone. I trust you.”

  “Oh,” Nora said, looking over at Leah.

  “I won’t be long. I just, need to cry or something.”

  “Nat…”

  “What?” I asked, turning back in the door.

  “If you need a break, like a real break, I can stay this week, you don’t have to be here.”

  “I wanna be here.”

  It was still true.

  “Okay…” Nora said, watching me, worried.

  “I’ll be back,” my voice quivered.

  “I love you,” I heard Leah’s soft sweet voice.

  My eyes squinted and tears tried to tumble out. I felt too many things at once. Mostly I just wanted to know it was real. A scoff escaped me.

  Nora shifted to check.

  “She’s asleep,” Nora whispered.

  “She really hadn’t talked Nora,” I said, staring straight at her and feeling that pain.

  “Hurry up and come back,” Nora said. I nodded and took myself away. The last thing I needed was for Nora to watch me fall apart.

  Once I got outside I started to run in the dark. I felt Leah’s words on my ears. Her single: “I love you,” made the whole experience worth it to me, even though she wasn’t talking to me.

  Chapter Seven

  Leah

  There was laughter, the sound of an old movie being played.

  I was on the couch now, we all were.

  I blinked and looked up, then I shifted.

  “Whoa,” Nat said.

  My hand felt sweaty and I realized it’d been holding onto hers.

  “Sorry,” I said.

  “It’s okay,” Nat said back.

  I heard the TV click off and looked to Nora and then to Nat.

  “You okay?”

  “Yeah,” I said, realizing. For once my words and thoughts had aligned with my movements.

  “We’ve missed you,” Nora said.

  I turned to look at her and then heard as the TV came back to life.

  I settled back down on Natalie’s lap and shut my eyes.

  Her hand rubbing my back felt right. It reminded me of Reed touching me and I wished she were here.

  Nat leaned down over me and I heard her whisper, “I love you.”

  I reached for her hand and held it before sleep took me away again. More than anything, I wanted her to know that I’d heard.

  Chapter Eight

  Nat

  Just like she’d been lately, Leah was taking a long time to be any one thing other than not present.

  Nora helped so much. Having her with us was good.

  I got some time to breathe.

  Leah was waking up with her.

  I couldn’t help but feel helpless after all this time.

  I worried about Nora leaving. Leah hadn’t shown this much life since before Reed passed.

  Nora obviously had the magic touch and I didn’t.

  A knock came at the door.

  “Hey,” Nora said. “Looks like she’s out again.”

  I nodded solemnly.

  “Can I come in?” Nora asked.

  I took in a breath and moved to open the door all the way before sitting back down on the bed facing the doorway.

  Time was running out and I didn’t want to have to tell her I was scared.

  “We haven’t had much time alone.”

  “I guess,” I shrugged. Leah wasn’t really present though so it was kind of untrue.

  Nora did act a little different though when it was just us two.

  “Are you gonna talk to me or what?” Nora asked, laying on the bed behind me and propping her head up on her hand. I felt her touch at my waist.

  “What’s wrong?” I asked. “Miss having patients?”

  “No,” she said, a hint of annoyance in her tone.

  “Look, you don’t have to pretend to care about me. I get it, you think I’m doing a nice thing. I don’t need anyone thanking me.”

  “I’m not here to thank you,” she said. I felt her fingers tug at the hem of my pants. “Come on, lay down with me.”

  I sighed again but did as she asked. It was hard to feel comfortable. Nora had already turned me away more than once. Why she was here now, it was obviously about Leah and not me.

  “Come on,” she said. “Relax.”

  I tried but it was hard. I knew the sounds I was making were giving me away.


  “I’ve never seen you this tense,” Nora said, touching me in places, trying to get me to settle.

  When her petting irritated me enough I used my hands to stop hers.

  “What?” She asked, looking down on me with that addicting smile.

  “I don’t want to be your pity project.”

  “And I already told you, that’s not why I’m here,” she said, eyes traveling the surface of my face.

  “Why are you here then?” I asked, swallowing and trying not to find her attractive.

  “I missed you,” she said. “Both of you. This is the only thing I wanted to do with my vacation.”

  She fought a hand free and pet my cheek.

  I shut my eyes and let myself feel her.

  “I don’t like you doing everything alone.”

  “I’ve always been alone,” I said.

  “I know,” she said back. “And that’s why I hate it.”

  She moved her hand to my neck and dragged her soft skin over mine, lighting me up like she easily could.

  “Nora…”

  “What?” She asked, rubbing me again and waiting for my words.

  “Nothing,” I said.

  “Good,” she said back, crawling over my body and trapping me beneath her.

  Next thing I knew she was really kissing me.

  It wasn’t like the bathroom. People only kissed like this when they’d been wanting to fuck you a long time.

  I felt her, needed her.

  All the time alone with Leah had been draining me and this brought me some life. Still I felt guilt. I felt awkward.

  “You’re such a wonderful person,” Nora said, kissing me hard again, her leg coming down between mine and inciting me to feel.

  “Mmm-” I said, pushing her off of me just out of instinct. “Maybe I should go check on Leah.”

  Nora scoffed and moved out of the way. I heard her laugh bitterly.

  “I’ll go,” she said. “But I’m coming right back.”

  “Okay,” I laughed, embarrassed by myself. I pulled the pillow over my face. “Sorry,” I groaned, muffled.

  “I’m coming back!” She warned all bossy.

  Chapter Nine

  Leah

  When I woke this time the body behind me felt different.

  I twisted to see who it was.

  My heart sank.

  It wasn't Reed.

  She's gone...

  I had to keep telling myself that.

  I shifted and moved my body off of the bed.

  Eleanora lay sleeping as I snuck myself away.

  My muscles felt so strange.

  Moving wasn't easy.

  I took a few steps and then rested on the door frame as I pulled the door softly shut.

  “Fuck…” I said.

  I wondered how far I could make it.

  Day-after-day, I'd been going in-and-out of sleep like it was normal. Maybe domesticated animals lived this way, prison inmates?

  I wanted to be awake. I wanted not to feel this trapped inside my own mind.

  I heard a whisper from Reed. My eyes shut. I wanted to speak to her again.

  “You're not here,” I said out loud.

  When I opened my eyes again I was back in the house where I'd been living with Nat.

  I made it as far as the living room. Somehow I ended up on my hands and my knees. I tried to get up to the couch but it was impossible. I lie down on the ground and fell back to sleep.

  When I woke again I heard yelling.

  “You don't get it, Nora! This is why it has to be me!”

  “What?” I asked, coming to wake.

  Nat scoffed as I struggled to push my body up and look at her. I was on the couch now, not the ground.

  “Are you okay?” Nat asked.

  “I'm fine,” I said.

  “See,” Nora said. “She's not a child Nat. She needs to try to wake herself up. This is normal. There isn't some other way.”

  “You never had to fish her out of the lake,” Nat whispered angrily.

  “Wait, what?” I asked. “Nat, I…”

  “It's okay, baby,” she said, petting me.

  I tried to wake up but when she pet me I felt calm and sleepy again. I kept feeling Reed.

  “Am I on something?” I asked.

  “No,” Nat said.

  “You're bogged down,” Nora explained.

  I thought of water, Reed pulling me under and kissing me while she smiled. Laughter swallowing us both up as we breached the top surface and she smiled at me.

  “She's cute,” I heard Nora say. I must've been wearing that dopey smile on my face. “What are you thinking Leah?”

  “Reed kissing me,” I said.

  “Awww,” Nora cooed.

  I felt Nat holding me tighter in both of her arms.

  “I wish she was here,” Nat whispered.

  “Me too,” I said, opening my eyes.

  Every time I was present it felt so surreal.

  The opening lines of Bohemian Rhapsody kept taunting me and running circles in my brain.

  Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy? Caught in a landslide. No escape from reality.

  How long had I been like this?

  How long had I been inside?

  “She’s been more awake,” Nora said.

  “I can hear you,” I reminded, feeling dizzy.

  “What do you need?” Natalie asked. She always whispered to me like she didn’t want other people to know.

  “What’s the date?” I asked, scared of the truth.

  “It’s April 5th sweetie,” Nat carefully confessed.

  “April 5th?” Tears flooded my eyes and escaped them. I felt rage.

  Reed died in August.

  “What year?” I asked, more worried.

  “It hasn’t been a year,” Nat explained.

  “Oh God,” I said. “I’m so sorry.”

  “Shhhhh,” Nat hushed me, wrapping me up in her arms and holding me tenderly. “It’s not your fault.”

  “Yeah but…”

  “Shhhhhhh,” Nat said. It was the first time I was able to hold a conversation that lasted longer than three words but she was shushing me.

  “Let her talk, she needs to talk,” Nora said.

  “I don’t,” I said. Nat had taken care of me. Nat was a goddamn saint. I couldn’t believe this had happened, not any of it.

  “Okay,” I heard Nora say.

  “Can I take a bath?”

  “If you let me stay close,” Nat said.

  “I want to be alone,” I said.

  “I can’t let you,” Nat said sadly.

  “Let her do it,” Nora tried.

  “You’ve tried to kill yourself, did you know that?” Nat asked.

  “What?”

  It was starting to become hazy again.

  “I-I can’t think for a normal span of time,” I made out.

  “We know,” Nora said.

  “I don’t like it,” I said quickly, like any second I could be taken away again, back into the blue.

  “You’re getting better,” Nora said. “This week alone you’ve made tremendous progress.”

  It was like Reed with her PTSD. One step forward, three steps back. I didn’t feel like I was getting better. I felt like I was hurting everyone, all the time. Especially Reed, ‘cause I wasn’t there…

  “I’m not gonna kill myself,” I choked.

  I wanted to get to Reed but I couldn’t get to her that way. That would ensure I wouldn’t see her. Suicide was just one of those no-no’s and reincarnation left nothing for me to have in this life.