The Vow Read online

  By the time I walk around the car, Lily has already gotten out and is walking toward the front door without me. Very well. I follow her to the porch where she stops, waiting on the doorstep. Holding my breath, I brush by her and open the door without knocking. It’s not like I’m an unwelcome guest.

  We step inside, and I can already hear Rem’s loud voice carrying through the house. I follow the sounds of laughter through the hallway and into the living room, while Lily follows close behind. I don’t have to look back to know she is, it’s like I can feel her haunting presence.

  “There you are!” Rem calls, a beer already in his hand. I tip my chin toward him, Dad, and Lex.

  Jules who is sitting beside him lights up, her eyes landing on Lily as she gets up from the sofa and walks over to greet us.

  “Happy birthday,” I tell her as I give her a quick hug and a peck on the cheek.

  “Thank you,” she says before letting me go and looking at Lily next to me. “Lily, I’m so glad you made it. It’s been so long.”

  “It has, but I’m so happy to be here, to celebrate with you. I just hope I’m not intruding.”

  “God, no. We’re practically family.” Jules smiles infectiously.

  I try not to stare as they hug, and instead walk straight into the kitchen to grab a beer from the fridge. I don’t want to see their reunion or any shred of happiness. Twisting the cap off my beer, I toss it into the trash. If I didn’t have to drive, I’d grab something stronger, something that would make me forget her completely, at least, for a little while.

  “You okay, son?” Startled, I turn around at my father’s voice, he’s standing right behind me.

  Jesus. When did he get up?

  “I’m fine,” I lie, before taking a sip of my beer.

  “She looks a lot like her,” he points out the obvious. “That can’t be easy for you.”

  “Yeah, not so much, but it is what it is.” Shit, I sound like an asshole.

  “So, you’re not fine?”

  “No, but I will be. Don’t worry about me, pops.” I try to smile, but my lips won’t work.

  “Hard not to worry about you when you’re the kindest of your brothers, and your behavior right now isn’t something I’ve ever seen before.”

  I shrug, “I don’t really know what’s going on. Ever since Lily walked into my office, things have changed. I’m moody and angry… so angry.” I squeeze the glass bottle in my hands.

  “If you want to talk about it, you know I’m here. I’m not going to make ya but remember what happened with your brother and Jules. Feelings build, pain turns into anger which is where you are right now. Don’t be that guy. Don’t let it build up.” I nod, acknowledging what he says, but saying nothing in return. He’s warning me like I’m the problem in all of this. I didn’t come trapezing into her life looking like her long-lost love.

  Lily’s soft voice carries into my ears as she takes a seat in the living room besides Jules. They talk while I drink, trying my best to drown myself in the bottom of this bottle. Dad walks back out into the living room, while I remain in the kitchen watching from a distance as my family welcomes her with open arms.

  Now I know how Rem felt when I brought Jules here without asking him first. I guess payback is a bitch, huh?

  Rem and Dad drill her with questions; like what she’s been up to, how her grandparents are, what she’s studying. Things of that nature. It’s nauseating to hear her spew all these wonderful things about her life.

  Stop, Sebastian. Stop being a douchebag.

  It’s wrong, deep down, I know it’s wrong to be angry with her, but I can’t help it. It’s like something inside of me has snapped, and all the ugly, dark pieces I’ve swallowed down over the years are leaking out. I can feel Rem watching me, and I do my best to ignore his cynical gaze.

  Tipping my beer back, I let out a grunt of disapproval when nothing comes out. Guess I’ve drunk it all. My body itches for more alcohol, but I don’t grab another beer. Instead, I lean against the counter and stare off into space. A moment later, Rem gets up from the couch and enters the kitchen plucking a chip from a bowl on the counter.

  “Why the depressed face?”

  “Not depressed.”

  Rem smirks, “No, you’re just in a sour as fuck mood. Any particular reason why?”

  My eyes turn to slits, it’s not often I want to slug my brother, but right now, I would love to. “No reason at all. I mean it couldn’t have anything to do with the fact that you made me pick her up, then there’s the little tidbit of inviting her without even talking to me first.”

  He shrugs, “How was I supposed to know you would be so butthurt about it. I figured you would like having her around.” Idiot.

  “Like having the spitting image of my dead girlfriend sitting in the same room as me.” I mock, and give him a fake smile, “Totally excited, just bursting at the seams with joy over it.”

  Rem taps his chin, his lips curling into a smug grin, “This kind of reminds me of a similar situation. Remember when you didn’t ask me when you invited Jules?”

  “Don’t act like that,” I hiss, my fist clenching without thought, “this isn’t even remotely the same circumstance, and if this is some sick twisted way of you getting back at me…” My voice trails off. I don’t finish because I’m not sure what I would do. Nothing. There is nothing that I can do. If it wasn’t for her being here, I wouldn’t be in such a shitty mood. She’s a permanent reminder of what I lost, and I hate it.

  “It’s not. I’m not an asshole.” Rem smirks, adding, “Most of the time.”

  “Then why invite her?” Feeling like a cunt for even asking.

  He shoves another chip into his mouth, “Her and Jules were friends, plus her whole family used to be close to ours. Not to mention that Lily lost her family the same way Jules lost her father and brother. I mean they’ve both lost everything. Have you ever thought about that? About how much she lost that day? I know you lost too, but Lily lost a sister, her father, and her mother.” There’s a brief pause, and I know what he’s trying to do, trying to break through my senses, but what he doesn’t know is that I know all these things already. I feel them. I feel Lily’s pain. It surrounds me.

  “I don’t understand why you are so pissed about her being here. Did something happen between you two?” Rem interrupts my thoughts.

  I don’t even understand why I’m so pissed. What the hell am I going to tell him? That I’m secretly drowning in my own misery because a girl I loved died, but her sister didn’t, and she’s a walking reminder of her.

  Ha, no. I’m not ready to talk about this yet. I’m barely ready to recognize it for what it is. So instead of giving him an answer, I ignore his words and stare at the wall blankly.

  Rem’s gaze narrows conspicuously, “You aren’t acting like yourself, so whatever it is that’s bothering you so much, it’s not my fault. I wasn’t going to go home and tell Jules that I saw Lily, but I didn’t invite her when I had the chance. That would’ve been a shit thing to do, and we both know it.”

  “Whatever,” I shake my head, and shoulder past him. As I enter the living room, all conversation stops. Lily’s gaze drops to her hands, and Jules stares daggers at me like I’ve done something to piss her off.

  Great. Less than twenty minutes in their presence, and Lily already has them all hating me.

  Shoving down into the other recliner, I look to the TV where Dad has a football game on, I stare at the screen pretending to be immersed in the game.

  Pretending like she isn’t even here.

  The doorbell rings a moment later, and Dad shoves from his recliner with a groan.

  “Don’t get old girls, it’s all downhill from here.”

  “Already there,” Jules laughs.

  When he reappears, he’s holding four pizza boxes. Everyone gets up all at once, and piles into the kitchen to eat while I remain glued to my seat. My appetite is gone, and even though I know I’m being a party pooper, I can’t seem to let go
of the feelings I’m having.

  It’s annoying. Infuriating. I should probably just go home, but I can’t do that to Jules. Call me a sadist, but I’d rather suffer through the pain. I spend the rest of the night trying to ignore everybody. Jules seems to have a great time even with me dragging down the party.

  Lily sips on her root beer, pretending, just like I am. I can see it, the tension in her face, the way her body is angled away from me. She’s uncomfortable. Good. At least I’m not alone.

  Fuck there is something wrong with me.

  Lex and Rem continue drinking, guzzling beer down like they’re frat boys, and as much as I would like to join them, I choose not to, I already got drunk the other day. Once a month is plenty for the newly appointed Dean.

  “What’s the matter with you, Seb? Why such a sour puss today?” Lex yells from across the room like we aren’t all sitting a few feet from each other. Rem, of course, laughs in his drunken state. I don’t know why but I’ve always been closer to Rem than Lex. Maybe because Lex was gone.

  “Maybe he just needs his ass kicked,” Rem chuckles loudly. “A few punches to that noggin will set him right.” My dad shakes his head from where he is sitting but doesn’t say anything. He knows how we get. Us Miller boys are a rowdy bunch, always have been, always will be.

  “Okay, you, time to go home,” Jules takes Rem’s hand and pulls him to his feet. She’s tipsy herself but has nothing on Rem and Lex.

  “Come on, boys. I’ll drive you home,” Dad announces, getting up from his own seat.

  Lex follows suit, and we all get up and walk toward the door. Shit, I’ve done well all night, now all I have to do is drop her off at the dorms, and I’ll be free of her, at least till she shows up somewhere else in my world.

  “You guys going to be good?” Jules asks, her eyes slicing through me.

  “I only had one beer, and that was two hours ago. I’m fine,” I attest, knowing damn well that’s not what she is talking about.

  “You and I are going to have a nice talk next week,” Jules whispers as she leans in to give me a hug. Wrapping my arms around her, I give her a tight squeeze.

  “Night, and be good, Rem,” I warn him over Jules’ shoulder before releasing her.

  “I’m always good,” he slurs and presses a sloppy kiss to Jules’ forehead as he pulls her into his side. The rest of my family walk out through the kitchen and into the garage, while I head for the front door.

  Walking outside, I hear Lily’s soft pitter-patter behind me. I don’t even bother to turn around and look at her. I simply get into the driver’s seat and watch her slide into the passenger’s seat out of the corner of my eye, refusing to look at her straight on.

  Once she’s buckled up, and I pull out onto the road. I can’t stand the heavy silence that’s settling between us. I know what I need to do, what I need to say.

  I’ll make sure that this was the last time she invades my private life.

  Strangling the steering wheel, I reason for control over my emotions.

  “You shouldn’t have come… this was a family gathering, and you didn’t belong there.” My tone’s clipped, and my gut twists just hearing the words I spoke out loud. I’m such an asshole, but I have to be if I want to protect myself, my emotions, my heart.

  “Look, I’m not stupid, I already gathered that you didn’t want me there, but you don’t have to act like I invited myself or intruded on some secret gathering. Rem invited me and I said yes, because Jules and I are friends.”

  I almost snort. “You knew each other as kids, that hardly accounts to being real friends.” I know that’s a low blow, but since I’m already going to hell, why not go all the way.

  “You’re a real prick, Sebastian.” Her words are emotionally charged. Good, she’s pissed off, now she knows how I feel.

  “I know that. Always have been…”

  “We both know that’s not true. The way you’ve been acting today, that’s not how I remember you,” she interrupts, “you didn’t treat Amy like this or anyone for that matter. You’ve always been a kind person, the one who would give the skin off his back to help someone else.”

  Her name. That’s all I really hear. It’s like nails on a chalkboard to my senses, and I damn near swerve into the other lane trying to rein myself in.

  Clenching my teeth, I grit out, “Do not say her name. Don’t talk about her, don’t even mention her in my presence. The person you remember me being isn’t the person I am right now.”

  Lily crosses her arms over her chest, and I swear, I see fire flicker in her blue eyes.

  “Pfft, that much is obvious. The Sebastian I knew never would’ve talked to me like this or made open-ended threats to me.” There’s a pregnant pause, and it looks as if she is gathering her thoughts, getting ready to attack me with another set of verbal rage. “You have a lot of balls telling me that I can’t speak my sister’s name in your presence, and even more acting like an asshole to me. I lost so much more than my sister that day, but yet you want me to pretend…” She looks away, and strands of blonde hair fall into her face. When she looks back at me, it feels like I’ve died and gone to hell.

  “Maybe you can pretend that she didn’t exist, but I can’t.”

  Pretend? Didn’t exist. She’s lost her fucking mind.

  I bite my tongue, wanting to scream, wanting to tell her that I could never forget her sister, much less now with her sitting beside me as a never-ending reminder but I don’t because I’m afraid of hurting her, of the words coming out wrong.

  The air inside the Jeep grows hotter and hotter, and I’m so close to snapping it’s taking every shred of patience I have not to lash out at her, to say something that will most definitely cut her down the middle. I’m not a mean guy, but I want to hurt Lily, simply because she exists, and her sister doesn’t and that’s not me.

  This angry, vicious, cruel bastard isn’t me.

  Reaching the dorm, I pull the Jeep to the curb and watch as Lily’s hand hovers over the door handle. She turns in the seat, and our gazes collide.

  The vibrant blue of her eyes darkens, and I wonder if she’s going to cry. Fuck. I hate myself for being like this, but I can’t explain it. I can’t fix it, not without removing her from the equation. Opening my mouth, I will words to come, but they don’t. With the way she’s looking at me right now, I’m not sure if there is anything that I could say to make this better.

  I’ve already hurt her enough, it’s probably best if I keep my mouth shut.

  “Do you think I don’t see her every time I look in the mirror? That I don’t wish it was me that was in the car that day instead of her?” Her voice breaks at the end, tears brim her eyes, and all I can do is sit there, clutching onto the steering wheel. She’s just sucker punched me in the gut with nothing more than her words.

  How do I respond to that? Can I even?

  Before I can tell her that I’m sorry, that I don’t know what’s wrong with me, she climbs out of the car, slamming the door shut behind her.

  Goddamnit. This isn’t how I wanted any of this to go. I don’t want to hurt Lily but being near her feels like I’m losing Amy all over again, and I just can’t bear it…I just can’t.

  4

  Lily

  I thought coming to North Woods was the right thing, coming back to where I grew up, where I was born, but I’m starting to second guess that. Not when I can’t stop thinking about him. I know it’s wrong, especially after the way he acted, and the things he said to me.

  I should hate him. I should never want to see him again, and forget he even exists but, stupidly, I don’t. All of this is wrong. Sebastian and me. The feelings I have.

  As a student, I shouldn’t be wondering what he is doing, hoping that I might run into him every time I walk across campus. It’s sick and twisted, and I can’t put it into words. The hate but need that I feel. He’s the last piece I have of my sister and, as wrong as it is, I don’t want to let him go. I can’t.

  Two weeks have pa
ssed since I last saw him. Classes have started and are in full swing now. College is definitely harder than I expected. For some reason, I thought studying art would be more fun and include less math and English classes. Welp, I thought wrong. I’ve already flunked a surprise math test that I had on Monday.

  Which is shit for me being that I’m here on a scholarship and can’t afford to let my grades drop below a certain GPA. Of course, not having the textbook for said class doesn’t help. The scholarship only covers housing and tuition, not textbooks or anything else you might need to live. So, when I saw the price tag on the books, I had to make a choice between food for the next two weeks or printed paper. In case you were wondering, I chose food.

  I try to throw myself into homework, hanging out with Delilah, and finding a job but every spare moment or thought leads me back to him. I’m so caught in my own head as I head to class that I almost run over Professor Berg, my beloved math teacher in the hallway. Luckily, I stop a few feet short of colliding with him.

  “Ahhh, Miss Kline, I’m actually glad to have run into you. I was going to talk to you Monday before class but since I’ve got you now, would you mind stopping by the Dean’s office to talk to your academic advisor.”

  “Uh, sure,” I say, but it almost comes out as a question. Why the hell is he sending me to talk to my advisor? Have I done something wrong? Broke some sacred rule? I should probably ask him. My mouth pops open, a question on my lips when he starts to walk away.

  “Great, see you Monday then.”

  What the hell?

  Taking out my generic phone, I check the time. It’s late, and they’ll be closing soon, but if I hurry, I might make it. Slinging my backpack over my shoulder, I speed walk down the hall and toward the administration building which thankfully isn’t that far from where I am right now. Students rush past me, all of us clearly in a hurry.