Uncle John’s Unstoppable Bathroom Reader Read online

CHOCKA CA-CA. A piece of chocolate fudge that comes in a baby diaper. Packaged in a gift box—pink for girls, blue for boys.

  The automobile was invented in 1886; the used car lot (17 cars) was invented in 1897.

  THE IG NOBEL PRIZES

  Too dumb to win a Nobel Prize? Don’t feel too bad—there’s still the Ig Nobel prizes. The science humor magazine Annals of Improbable Research awards them at Harvard University every year, to honor people whose achievements in science, medicine, or technology “cannot or should not be reproduced.” Bonus: If you win, your prize is handed to you by a genuine Nobel laureate!

  IG NOBEL PRIZE: Public Health (2001)

  AWARD-WINNING TOPIC: “A Preliminary Survey of Rhinotillexomania in an Adolescent Sample,” by Chittaranjan Andrade, et al. Journal of Clinical Psychiatry, June 2001. Translation: “We studied nose-picking behavior in a sample of 200 adolescents from four urban schools.”

  FINDINGS:

  • “Nose picking is common in adolescents.…Almost the entire sample admitted to nose picking, with a median frequency of four times per day.”

  • “Nearly 17% of subjects considered that they have a serious nose-picking problem.”

  • “Nose picking may merit closer nosologic scrutiny.”

  IG NOBEL PRIZE: Psychology (1995)

  AWARD-WINNING TOPIC: “ Pigeons’ Discrimination of Paintings by Monet and Picasso,” by Shigeru Watanabe, et al. Journal of the Experimental Analysis of Behavior, 1995.

  FINDINGS:

  • “Pigeons successfully learned to discriminate color slides of paintings by Monet and Picasso. Following this training, they discriminated novel paintings by Monet and Picasso that had never been presented during the discrimination training.”

  • The pigeons “showed generalization from Monet’s to Cezanne’s and Renoir’s paintings [all Impressionist painters], or from Picasso’s to Braque’s and Matisse’s paintings [Cubists and Fauvists].”

  A poem written to celebrate a wedding is called an epithalamium.

  • “Upside-down images of Monet’s paintings disrupted the discrimination, whereas inverted images of Picasso’s did not.”

  IG NOBEL PRIZE: Public Health (2000)

  AWARD-WINNING TOPIC: “ The Collapse of Toilets in Glasgow,” by Jonathan Wyatt, et al. The Scottish Medical Journal, 1993.

  FINDINGS:

  • “Three cases are presented of porcelain toilets collapsing under body weight, producing wounds serious enough to require hospital treatment.”

  • “The excessive age of the toilets was a causative factor.”

  • “As many such toilets get older, episodes of collapse may become more common, resulting in further injuries.”

  IG NOBEL PRIZE: Psychology (2001)

  AWARD-WINNING TOPIC: “ An Ecological Study of Glee in Small Groups of Preschool Children,” by Lawrence W. Sherman. Child Development, March 1975.

  FINDINGS:

  • “A phenomenon called group glee was studied in videotapes of 596 formal lessons in a preschool. This was characterized by joyful screaming, laughing, and intense physical acts which occurred in simultaneous bursts or which spread in a contagious fashion from one child to another.”

  • “While most events of glee did not disrupt the ongoing lesson, those which did tended to produce a protective reaction on the part of teachers [i.e., the teacher called the class back to order].”

  • “Group glee tended to occur most often in large groups (seven to nine children) and in groups containing both sexes.”

  OTHER IG NOBEL LAUREATES

  • Physics (2002): “ Demonstration of the Exponential Decay Law Using Beer Froth,” by Arnd Leike, European Journal of Physics, January 2002.

  • Mathematics (2002): “ Estimation of Total Surface Area in Indian Elephants,” by K. P. Sreekumar, et al. Veterinary Research Communications, 1990.

  The ears of an African elephant can weigh up to 110 pounds each.

  FAMOUS LAST WORDS

  If you had to choose your last words, what would they be?

  “Hurrah, boys, we’ve got them! We’ll finish them up and then go home to our station.”

  —General George Custer

  “Let’s go on to Chicago and win there.”

  —Robert F. Kennedy

  “I wish to announce the first plank in my campaign for reelection…we’re going to have the floors in this god-damned hospital smoothed out!”

  —Boston politician James Michael Curley

  “Moose…Indian.”

  —Henry David Thoreau

  “Try to be forgotten. Go live in the country. Stay in mourning for two years, then remarry, but choose somebody decent.”

  —Poet Alexander Pushkin

  “But the peasants…how do the peasants die?”

  —Russian author Leo Tolstoy

  “My work is done. Why wait?”

  —Kodak founder George Eastman, in a suicide note

  “My fun days are over.”

  —James Dean

  “You can keep the things of bronze and stone and give me one man to remember me just once a year.”

  —Journalist Damon Runyon

  “There ain’t nobody gonna shoot me.”

  —Lee Harvey Oswald, while being transferred to county jail

  “I am quite certain that the crimes of this guilty land will never be purged away but with blood. I had, as I now think, vainly flattered myself that without much bloodshed it might be done.”

  —19th-century abolitionist John Brown

  “I still live.”

  —Daniel Webster

  “Let’s do it.”

  —Gary Gilmore, executed by firing squad at Draper State Prison, Utah, 1977

  “Does nobody understand?”

  —Irish author James Joyce

  Every second, 100,000 chemical reactions occur in your brain.

  THE HALIFAX EXPLOSION

  In late 1917, World War I was raging in Europe. Back in North America, the port of Halifax, Nova Scotia, was the hub of Canada’s war effort. All the ships heading out to the Atlantic brought prosperity to the small town…but they also brought disaster.

  UNLIKE TWO SHIPS PASSING IN THE NIGHT

  In December 1917, the French cargo ship Mont Blanc took on 5,000 tons of explosives in New York, including more than 400,000 pounds of TNT. The 300-foot-long ship was headed into Halifax Harbor to await a convoy of ships that would accompany it to England. The Mont Blanc’s captain, Aime Le Medec, should have been flying a red flag to warn other ships of the dangerous cargo, but he was afraid that enemy ships might see the flag and start shooting.

  At the same time, a 440-foot Norwegian ship, called the Imo—much faster and larger than the Mont Blanc—was leaving Halifax for New York. The Imo’s captain, Haakon From, knew he was behind schedule and ordered the ship full speed ahead.

  Halifax Harbor has, roughly, an hourglass shape. The “waist” of the hourglass is a slim channel of water called the Narrows. Halifax is on the southern side of this narrow channel; the town of Darmouth sits on the north side. Two ships passing through the Narrows must do so with caution—as the Imo and the Mont Blanc were soon to learn.

  COLLISION

  On the cold, clear morning of December 6, shortly before nine, the Imo and the Mont Blanc both entered the Narrows: the Imo going east toward open sea (too fast, some said), the Mont Blanc was going west to moor up. Harbor rules say that ships must pass port to port—left side to left side—just like cars on the road. But the Imo was veering too far north; it was headed directly toward the Mont Blanc like a truck in the wrong lane. Captain Le Medec, aboard the Mont Blanc, signaled the other ship, but, strangely, Captain From didn’t stop—he signaled that he was continuing farther north. After repeated and confused attempts to communicate with horns and flags, Le Medec finally steered his ship south-ward…but Captain From did the same thing at the same time. Result: The smaller ship was broadsided. The collision sent the Mont Blanc straight toward the city of Hal
ifax.

  In 1986 Down and Out in Beverly Hills became the 1st Disney film to use the “F” word.

  The impact started a fire on the deck of the Mont Blanc. Her crew, knowing the ship could blow up at any second, went straight to the lifeboats…without alerting the harbor patrol of the dangerous cargo. They rowed north toward Dartmouth, leaving the floating bomb heading straight for Halifax.

  It was an astounding sight: a flaming ship drifting slowly toward shore. All morning activity stopped as people watched the spectacle—kids on their way to school, dockworkers on shore, shopkeepers, and homemakers who could see the harbor from their windows. The Mont Blanc drifted for about 20 minutes until it came to rest against Pier 6 in the Richmond district, the busy, industrial north end of Halifax. As firefighting crews rushed to put the fire out, the flames were getting closer and closer to the massive stores of TNT on the lower decks.

  EXPLOSION

  Then, shortly before 9:05 a.m., a blinding, white flash filled the harbor. The Mont Blanc exploded into bits and a giant mushroom cloud rose up over the town. More than 1,600 people were killed instantly. Thousands more were injured, many blinded from the glass and shrapnel that rained down on Halifax and Dartmouth. Schools, homes, factories, and churches were leveled by the ensuing shock-wave. A 30-foot tidal wave swept away what was left of the water-front, drowning many of the initial survivors and sinking dozens of ships in the harbor. Shattered pieces of the Mont Blanc were hurled as far as three miles away. A tugboat was thrown from the middle of the harbor onto the Dartmouth shore. The wave also rushed over the shores of Dartmouth and up Tufts Cove, where it completely washed away the settlement of an indigenous tribe called the Micmac.

  The blast was so strong that windows were broken even in Charlottetown—120 miles away. It was the largest man-made explosion in human history, and its size and devastation wouldn’t be eclipsed until the atomic bomb was dropped on Hiroshima in 1945.

  More than 1,600 homes were gone; 12,000 more were damaged from the fires that spread through Halifax after the explosion. At least 6,000 people were left homeless at the onset of a powerful winter storm that would drop more than a foot of snow within the next 24 hours. Hundreds who had survived the blast, the tidal wave, and the ensuing fires would end up freezing to death.

  The Halifax explosion was the worst single-day man-made loss of life on North American soil… until 9/11/01.

  RELIEF

  Rescue efforts were slow at first. Power, water, gas, telephone, telegraph, and railroad lines were all obliterated. The dead and dying lined the streets, while thousands of others were buried under debris. And medical supplies were in pitifully short supply. But help was on the way. Money started pouring in from all over the world, from as far away as China and New Zealand. The Canadian government appropriated $18 million for relief efforts, and surrounding towns donated shelters, blankets, and other necessities. But much of the immediate help came from Massachusetts. A train full of supplies and medical personnel left for Halifax the day of the explosion. In all, Bostonians donated $750,000 through the Massachusetts-Halifax Relief Committee. (To this day, Halifax sends an annual Christmas tree to the city of Boston in gratitude.)

  THE BLAME GAME

  The survivors of the explosion were stunned. Something this horrible had to be somebody’s fault. First, they blamed the Germans, because if Germany hadn’t started the war, the disaster would not have happened. Every surviving German in town was rounded up and arrested, in spite of the fact that they had suffered the same as everyone else. But as rebuilding began and cooler heads prevailed, people realized that if anyone was to blame, it was the ships’ captains.

  Captain From and most of the crew of the Imo perished in the blast; Captain Le Medec of the Mont Blanc survived and was brought to trial. After months of inquiry and many civil suits, there was insufficient evidence to establish criminal negligence. Captain Le Medec’s license was revoked, but in the end, no one was ever convicted.

  On January 22, 1918, Canada appointed the Halifax Relief Commission to handle pensions, insurance claims, rehousing, and rebuilding, as well as the rehabilitation of survivors. The extent of the damage was so great that the Commission would remain open until 1976.

  COMIC RELIEF

  Our annual salute to those who stand up so we may laugh while sitting down.

  “I met a beautiful girl at a barbeque, which was exciting. Blonde, I think—I don’t know. Her hair was on fire. And all she talked about was herself. You know those kind of girls. It was just me, me, me. Help me. Put me out.”

  —Garry Shandling

  “You can say, ‘Can I use your bathroom,’ and nobody cares. But if you ask, ‘Can I use the plop-plop machine,’ it always breaks the conversation.”

  —Dave Attell

  “I can bend forks with my mind, but only the ones at Denny’s. And you have to look away for a little while.”

  —Bobcat Goldthwaite

  “Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.”

  —George Carlin

  “Did you hear they finally made a device that makes cars run 95% quieter? It fits right over her mouth.”

  —Billy Crystal

  “My parents only had one argument in forty-five years. It lasted forty-three years.”

  —Cathy Ladman

  “First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.”

  —Steve Martin

  “I think I’m a pretty good judge of people, which is why I hate most of them.”

  —Roseanne

  “It’s strange, isn’t it. You stand in the middle of a library and go ‘aaaaagghhhh’ and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an airplane, and everyone joins in.”

  —Tommy Cooper

  “I’m against picketing…but I don’t know how to show it.”

  —Mitch Hedburg

  “A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh.”

  —Conan O’Brien

  500 pairs of false sideburns were used in the making of Gone With the Wind.

  HOW PAPER BECAME MONEY

  Today we take it for granted that a $20 bill is worth 20 dollars. But convincing people that paper can be just as valuable as gold or silver took centuries and involved many false starts. Take this one, for example.

  SPOILS OF WAR

  In 1298 a Venetian traveler named Marco Polo signed on as “gentleman commander” of a Venetian galley and led it in battle against the fleet of its rival city, Genoa.

  Lucky for us, Polo lost. After he was captured and thrown into prison, he spent the next two years dictating a detailed account of his 24 years of travel in India, Africa, and China (then part of the Mongol empire ruled by Kublai Khan).

  Until then, very little was known about that part of the world. Few Europeans had been to the Far East, and even fewer had written about their experiences. Polo’s memoirs changed everything. The Travels of Marco Polo was widely read all over Europe and is considered the most important account of the “outside” world written during the Middle Ages.

  HARD TO BELIEVE

  But not everyone believed it. In its day, The Travels of Marco Polo was also known as Il Milióne, or “The Million Lies,” because so many of the things that Polo described seemed preposterous to his European readers. He told of a postal system that could transport a letter 300 miles in a single day, fireproof cloth that could be cleaned by throwing it into a fire (it was made from asbestos), and baths that were heated by “stones that burn like logs” (coal).

  But one of Polo’s most preposterous-seeming claims: In Kublai Khan’s empire, people traded paper as if it were gold.

  Here’s how Polo described it:

  In [the] city of Kanbalu, is the mint of the Grand Khan, who may truly be said to possess the secret of the alchemists, as he has the art of producing paper money.…When
ready for use, he has it cut into pieces of money of different sizes.…The coinage of this paper money is authenticated with as much form and ceremony as if it were actually of pure gold or silver…and the act of counterfeiting it is punished as a capital offence.

  Cranberry Jell-O is the only flavor that contains real fruit flavoring.

  This paper currency is circulated in every part of the Grand Khan’s dominions; nor does any person, at the peril of his life, refuse to accept it in payment. All his subjects receive it without hesitation, because, wherever their business may call them, they can dispose of it again in the purchase of merchandise they have occasion for, such as pearls, jewels, gold, or silver. All his majesty’s armies are paid with this currency, which is to them of the same value as if it were gold and silver.

  Paper money? Europeans had never seen anything like it.

  MADE IN CHINA

  Kublai Khan’s paper currency may have been news to Europeans, but for the Chinese it was just the latest attempt to establish paper as a legitimate form of money:

  • Felted paper made from animal fibers was invented in China in about 177 B.C., and less than 40 years after that, the Chinese Emperor Wu-Ti (140–87 B.C.) began to issue the first notes made from paper. They were intended only as a temporary substitute for real money—precious metals and coins—when real money was in short supply. These first bills were more like cardboard than the foldable bills we use today.

  • Another emperor, Hien Tsung, issued his own notes during a copper shortage in the early 800s. These, too, were intended only as temporary substitutes, but the idea caught on. More currency was issued in the year 910; after that, paper money came to be issued on a more regular basis.

  • By 1020 so many paper notes were in circulation that China became the first country to experience “paper inflation.” That’s what happens when too much money is printed: it takes more currency to buy the same goods than it used to, so the purchasing power of each individual note goes down. If enough paper money is printed, the currency eventually becomes as worthless as… paper. To counteract the inflation, government officials began spraying the bills with perfume to make them more attractive. It didn’t do any good—and neither did anything else they tried.