Uncle John’s Unstoppable Bathroom Reader Read online

  • 27 years was the length of Nolan Ryan’s pitching career

  • 33 years was the life expectancy of a Neanderthal man

  • 69 years for the Soviet Union to rise and fall

  • 95 years to count to a billion

  • 100 years for tidal friction to slow Earth’s rotation by 14 seconds

  • 1,800 years to complete the Great Wall of China

  • 500,000 years for plutonium-239 to become harmless

  • 45.36 million years to reach the nearest star, Proxima Centauri, in a car going 65 mph

  • 1 billion years for the sun to release as much energy as a supernova releases in 24 hours

  * * *

  POLITICAL DARWINISM

  “In my lifetime, we’ve gone from Eisenhower to George W. Bush. We’ve gone from John F. Kennedy to Al Gore. If this is evolution, I believe that in 12 years, we’ll be voting for plants.”

  —Lewis Black

  How long American drivers wait at traffic lights in their lifetime: 14 days.

  THE WILHELM SCREAM

  Have you ever heard a sound effect in a film—a screeching eagle, a car crash, or a laughing crowd—that you swear you’ve heard before in other movies? You’re probably right. Here’s the story behind Hollywood’s most famous “recycled” sound effect.

  SOUNDS FAMILIAR

  Like most American kids growing up in the 1950s, Ben Burtt went to the movies…a lot. Movie budgets were much smaller back then, and film studios reused whatever they could—props, sets, stock footage, sound effects, everything. If you watched and listened to the movies carefully, you might have noticed things you’d seen and heard in other movies.

  Burtt noticed. He was good at picking out sounds—especially screams, and especially one scream in particular. “Every time someone died in a Warner Bros. movie, they’d scream this famous scream,” he says.

  By the 1970s, a grown-up Burtt was working in the movie business himself, as a sound designer—the guy who creates the sound effects. Years had passed, but he’d never forgotten that classic Warner Bros. scream. So when he got the chance, he decided to track down the original recording. It took a lot of digging, but he eventually found it on an old studio reel marked “Man Being Eaten by an Alligator.” It turns out it had been recorded for the 1951 Warner Bros. western Distant Drums and used at least twice in that movie: once in a battle with some Indians, and then—of course—when a man is bitten and dragged underwater by an alligator.

  A STAR IS BORN

  No one could remember what actor had originally been hired to record the scream, so Burtt jokingly named it after a character in the 1953 movie, Charge at Feather River. The character, named Wilhelm, screams the scream after he is struck in the leg by an arrow. The “Wilhelm Scream” was used two more times in that film: once when a soldier is struck by a spear, and again when an Indian is stabbed and then rolls down a hill.

  The Wilhelm Scream is now more than 50 years old, but if you heard it you’d probably recognize it, because Burtt, who’s worked on almost every George Lucas film, uses it often—including in his Academy Award-winning sound design for Star Wars. “That scream gets in every picture I do, as a personal signature,” he says.

  Top 5 causes of home accidents: stairs, glass doors, cutlery, jars, power tools (in that order).

  So when you hear a Wilhelm Scream in a film, can you assume that Burtt did the sound effects? No—when other sound designers heard what he was doing, they started inserting the scream into their movies, too. Apparently, Burtt isn’t the only person good at noticing reused sound effects, because movie buffs have caught on to what he is doing and discovered at least 66 films that use the Wilhelm Scream. A few examples:

  AHHHHHHHHHEEEEEIIIIII!!!

  Star Wars (1977) Just before Luke Skywalker and Princess Leia swing across the Death Star’s chasm, a stormtrooper falls in.

  The Empire Strikes Back (1980) 1) In the battle on the ice planet Hoth, a rebel soldier screams when his big satellite-dish laser gun is struck by laser fire and explodes. 2) As Han Solo is being frozen, Chewbacca knocks a stormtrooper off of the platform.

  Return of the Jedi (1983) 1) In the desert scene, Luke slashes an enemy with his light saber. The victim screams as he falls into the Sarlac pit. 2) Later in the film, Han Solo knocks a man over a ledge. The man is Ben Burtt himself, making a cameo appearance—and that’s him impersonating the Wilhelm Scream…with his own voice.

  Batman Returns (1992) Batman punches a clown and knocks him out of the way. The clown screams.

  Toy Story (1995) Buzz Lightyear screams when he gets knocked out of the bedroom window.

  Titanic (1997) In the scene where the engine room is flooding, a crew member screams when he’s hit with a jet of water.

  Spaceballs (1987) Barf uses a section of tubes to reflect laser bolts back at four guards. The last one screams.

  Lethal Weapon 4 (1998) A gunshot turns a terrorist’s flamethrower into a jet pack, and he flies into a gasoline truck.

  Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers (2002) A soldier falls off the wall during the Battle of Helm’s Deep…and lets out a Wilhelm.

  Insomniac: A giraffe only sleeps about 4 hours a day.

  NOT WHAT THEY SEEM TO BE

  Things (and people) aren’t always what they seem. Here are some peeks behind the image.

  JOHN JAMES AUDUBON

  Image: Considered a pioneer of American wildlife conservation, this 19th-century naturalist spent days at a time searching for birds in the woods so he could paint them. The National Audubon Society was founded in 1905 in his honor.

  Actually: Audubon found the birds, then shot them. In addition to painting, he was an avid hunter. According to David Wallechinsky in Significa, “He achieved unequaled realism by using freshly killed models held in lifelike poses by wires. Sometimes he shot dozens of birds just to complete a single picture.”

  WASHINGTON CROSSING THE DELAWARE

  Image: One of the most famous paintings of American history depicts General George Washington—in a fierce battle against the redcoats—leading his men across the Delaware River on Christmas Eve 1776.

  Actually: It was painted 75 years after the battle by a German artist named Leutze. He used American tourists as models and substituted the Rhine River for the Delaware. He got the style of boat wrong; the clothing was wrong; even the American flag was incorrect. Yet the drama of the daring offensive was vividly captured, making it one of our most recognized paintings.

  WEBSTER’S DICTIONARY

  Image: The oldest and most trusted dictionary in the United States, created in 1828 by Noah Webster.

  Actually: “The truth is,” says M. Hirsh Goldberg in The Book of Lies, “is that any dictionary maker can put Webster’s in the name, because book titles can’t be copyrighted.” And a lot of shoddy publishers do just that. To know if your Webster’s is authentic, make sure it’s published by Merriam-Webster, Inc.

  Widest waterfall in the world: Victoria Falls in Africa (almost a mile wide).

  FLUBBED HEADLINES

  These are 100% honest-to-goodness headlines. Can you figure out what they’re trying to say?

  INFERTILITY UNLIKELY TO BE PASSED ON

  CRITICS SAY SUNKEN SHIPS NOT SEAWORTHY

  STUDY FINDS SEX, PREGNANCY LINK

  AIR HEAD FIRED

  Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted

  SURVIVOR OF SIAMESE TWINS JOINS PARENTS

  State Says Cost of Saving Money Too High

  LUNG CANCER IN WOMEN MUSHROOMS

  Man Steals Clock, Faces Time

  Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board

  ELIZABETH DOLE HAD NO CHOICE BUT TO RUN AS A WOMAN

  DEER AND TURKEY HUNT FOR DISABLED PEOPLE

  Axe For Media School’s Head

  Summer Schools Boost Scrores

  Study Says Snoring Drivers Have More Accidents

  WOMEN BOWLERS VOTE TO KEEP THEIR SKIRTS ON

  Hillary Clinton on Welfare
/>   IF STRIKE ISN’T SETTLED QUICKLY, IT MAY LAST A WHILE

  ASTRONAUT TAKES BLAME FOR GAS IN SPACECRAFT

  NEW STUDY OF OBESITY LOOKS FOR LARGER TEST GROUP

  COLD WAVE LINKED TO TEMPERATURES

  Pataki Proposes Allowing Pickups on State Parkways

  Montezuma Mourns Banker Slain in Attack with Flowers

  REAL ESTATE EXECUTIVE SOLD ON CITY MARKET

  PECAN SCAB DISEASE CAUSING NUTS TO FALL OFF

  The meaning of “cool” as in “that’s really cool, man” has been in use since the 1880s.

  UNCLE JOHN’S STALL OF FAME

  Uncle John is amazed—and pleased—by the creative way people get involved with bathrooms, toilets, toilet paper, etc. That’s why he created the “Stall of Fame.”

  Honoree: The Reverend Susan Brown, minister at the Church of Scotland’s cathedral in Dornoch, Scotland

  Notable Achievement: Giving the roll with a hole a holy role.

  True Story: When she performs a marriage, Reverend Brown always gives the same wedding gift to the newlyweds: a twin-pack of toilet paper. Why toilet paper? And why a pack of two rolls, instead of one or three?

  It’s symbolic, Reverend Brown explains. “There are two rolls together, just like the couple. And the toilet paper is soft, gentle, long, and strong, which is what I hope their marriage will be.” Reverend Brown married Madonna and director Guy Ritchie in December 2000; they got toilet paper, too.

  Honoree: Dr. Tom Keating, also known as “Bathroom Man,” a former teacher from Decatur, Georgia

  Notable Achievement: Taking his daughter’s restroom complaint and turning it into a personal crusade to clean up America’s school bathrooms.

  True Story: In the late 1980s, Dr. Keating’s daughter, an eighth-grader, complained to him about the messy state of the bathrooms at her school. First he addressed the problem at her school…then he started checking the restroom conditions at other schools. It turned into an obsession, and soon Keating had founded a group called Project C.L.E.A.N.—Citizens, Learners, and Educators Against Neglect—which works with students, teachers, and administrators to improve the condition of their restrooms.

  In a typical school visit, Keating tours the restrooms, notes all the problems—messiness, vandalism, missing toilet paper and other supplies—and works with school officials to come up with a strategy. Then, with the help of students, bathrooms are painted, lighting is improved, damage is repaired, and any fixtures prone to vandalism—such as soap and toilet paper dispensers—are replaced with vandal-resistant models.

  Carpenter’s pencils are square so they don’t roll off roofs.

  “It all comes down to respect,” Keating says. “Kids have to respect their school restrooms as if they were their own, and faculty, staff, and administration have to respect the students as young adults who can be trusted to take care of their basic, biological needs in an acceptable setting.” And there’s a bonus—Keating believes that cleaner bathrooms can lead to better grades. “Students will pay closer attention in class if they’re not worried about ‘holding it in’ until school is over,” he says.

  Honoree: Monell Chemical Senses Center, a research facility in Philadelphia

  Notable Achievement: Turning sour smells into sweet success

  True Story: In November 2002, the U.S. National Research Council called for a massive increase in the amount of money the Pentagon spends on nonlethal weapons. So the army is now looking into malodorants, substances so stinky that the military can use them to disperse crowds, empty buildings, and keep enemies away from sensitive areas. And Monell is at the cutting edge of research. They cook up the stinkiest smells they can think of, then let volunteers of all nationalities and cultures sniff them to make sure they have worldwide dis-appeal. Monell’s worst odors:

  • “Who Me?” which smells like the odorant added to natural gas (if you’ve ever smelled a gas leak, that’s the smell), combined with the smell of rotting mushrooms.

  • “Bathroom Malodor,” a nasty, poopy smell that’s mixed with the smell of rotting rodents. The lab also sells this smell to makers of bathroom cleansers, who use it to test the effectiveness of new products.

  • “Stench Soup,” a combination of “Who Me?” and “Bathroom Malodor.”

  So which of these three smells is considered most offensive by the most people? “Bathroom Malodor,” hands down—nothing else comes close. “We got cursed in a lot of different languages when we tested that,” says researcher Pamela Dalton.

  Most valid credit cards owned by 1 person: 1,397.

  IT’S A WEIRD, WEIRD WORLD

  Proof that truth really is stranger than fiction.

  WHITE ON!

  “A University of Northern Colorado intramural basketball team has been inundated with T-shirt requests since naming itself ‘The Fightin’ Whites.’ The team, made up of Native Americans, Hispanics, and Anglos, chose the name because nearby Easton High refused to change its nickname from ‘Reds’ and drop its American Indian caricature logo. The team plans to donate profits from the shirts to an American Indian organization. The shirts show a 1950s-style caricature of a middle-aged white man with the phrase ‘Every thang’s gonna be all white!’”

  —USA Today

  OUT TO LUNCH

  “At a hospital in Nashville, Tennessee, on election day, nurses went into the room of a 72-year-old woman to prepare her for open-heart surgery, only to find the woman wasn’t there. Instead they found a note which read, ‘Gone to vote, back in 30 minutes.’ An election official later confirmed an elderly woman with IVs coming out of her arms had indeed come in to vote.”

  —Bloomington-Normal Pantagraph

  FISHY BEHAVIOR

  “A student at Carnegie Mellon University in Pittsburgh, Pa., has arranged an ‘external study’ in lieu of regular classes, consisting of his dressing as a lobster, building a shelter on campus from scrap lumber and living in it. Fine-arts major Bill Kofmehl III, also known as ‘Lobster Boy,’ moved into the shelter February 1, vowing not to speak to anyone for three months. He did, however, occasionally climb to the roof in his lobster costume and make noises through a cardboard tube and a bullhorn.”

  —Chicago Sun-Times

  Hey, sweetie: Aspartame is 200 times sweeter than sugar; saccharin is 500 times sweeter.

  HONEY, I’M HOME

  “Trish and Vincent Caminiti of Bayport, NY, returned from a three-week vacation to find that 20,000 bees had established a hive in the walls of their home. According to neighbors, the swarm arrived in a dense, black, 10-foot-wide funnel cloud that buzzed so loud some thought it was an aircraft. The swarm then entered the home one at a time through a hole only a half-inch in diameter in the wall of the house.”

  —Strange Tails

  DON’T BE CHICKEN

  “The Associated Press reported that some Pittsburgh parents recently held chicken pox “parties” for their kids. The parties involve having one kid with a current outbreak of the disease mingle with other kids to infect them, too, so that they would acquire a lifetime immunity. These parents apparently want their kids to avoid standard immunizations because of the side effects.”

  —News of the Weird

  TALIBAN(G)

  “Hoping to defend his nation’s honor, former Taliban foreign minister Wakil Ahmed Muttawakil challenged U.S. president George Bush and British prime minister Tony Blair to a duel, suggesting that they fight former Afghan leader Mullah Omar with Kalashnikov assault rifles. Needless to say, they didn’t take him up on the offer.”

  —National Post

  DUCK!

  “Workers from White’s Mobile Home Supply were hanging axles under a trailer when lightning struck nearby. They came out from under the home only to be greeted by a sight they’ll never forget.

  “‘About 20 to 30 seconds after the lightning struck, stuff started falling from the sky,’ owner Ron White said. ‘At first they thought it was tennis shoes. Then they realized it was ducks.’

  “Th
e workers collected 20 mallards from the mobile home park. “‘Lightning can hit ducks, but it is rare,’ said Arkansas Game and Fish Commission biologist Mike Checkett. ‘I think this is something they’ll remember for the rest of their lives.’”

  —SFGate

  Water can flow through a plant at 4 mph.

  ICKY LICKY STICKS

  We were saving this page for our next Bathroom Reader for Kids Only, but then thought that everyone should be warned. These are 100% real.

  SNOT SHOTS. Green bits of supersour, fruit-flavored bubble gum (also available: Blood Balls—gumballs filled with powdered candy that colors the mouth red).

  CRAPPIN’ CRITTERS. These are models of cows, sheep, and other animals, which emit chocolate-brown jelly beans.

  TOXIC WASTE HAZARDOUSLY SOUR CANDY. Hard candies packaged in an industrial drum. After sucking through the supersour outer layer, you get a sweet center. But then—yow!—you get an even more painfully sour hidden center.

  EVERY FLAVOR BEANS. Inspired by Harry Potter, these look like ordinary jelly beans…until you take a bite. Some of the 38 flavors—like banana, root beer, chocolate pudding, and buttered toast—are tasty. But there’s also sardine, horseradish, grass, black pepper, dirt, vomit, and booger. Warning: The horseradish and coconut beans are both white.

  ICKY LICKY STICKS. “Tasty sweet liquid candy packaged in grotesque human body parts! A wart-covered foot seeps cherry toe jam candy, a bloodshot eyeball oozes cherry eye mucous candy, and a runny, wart-covered nose leaks sour apple snot candy.”

  INSECTNSIDE. Made to look like fossilized amber—it’s really a clear amber-colored toffee candy…with a real cricket sealed inside.

  OH RATZ. It’s a gummy rat, which you’re supposed to dip into candy powder contained in a tiny plastic garbage can.

  SOUR FLUSH. Candy powder in a plastic toilet bowl.

  RAT PIZZA. A gummy pizza with a gummy rat on top. (They also make Worm Wiener, a gummy worm in a gummy hot dog bun.)