Uncle John’s Unstoppable Bathroom Reader Read online

  Finland has more islands than any other country: 179,584.

  • When one issue of currency became worthless, government officials would replace it with a new issue of currency; but since they kept printing new bills, in time the new ones would become worthless too, and the cycle would repeat itself.

  • By the time of the Mongol invasion in the early 13th century, China had already endured several rounds of paper inflation, but that didn’t stop the Mongols from adopting the concept of paper money and spreading it across the entire Mongol empire.

  • Kublai Khan issued his own series of paper notes in 1260. These were the ones that Marco Polo encountered when he visited China. By 1290, they were worthless, too.

  THE END OF THE PAPER TRAIL

  Although the Chinese used paper money over the next 150 years, by 1455 they were so disillusioned with it that it disappeared altogether and did not reappear in China for another 450 years.

  “The Chinese people lost all faith in paper money and became more than ever convinced of the virtues of silver,” historian Glyn Davies writes in A History of Money, “a conviction that lasted right up to the early part of the twentieth century.”

  Turn to Part II of “How Paper Became Money” on page 258.

  * * *

  WISDOM THEY DON’T TEACH IN SCHOOL

  (but you can learn on the Internet)

  • Scratch a dog and you’ll find a permanent job.

  • No one has more driving ambition than the boy who wants to buy a car.

  • There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 a.m. It could be a right number.

  • Money may buy a dog; only kindness can make him wag his tail.

  • The great thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.

  • Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.

  • Learn from the mistakes of others. You won’t live long enough to make them all yourself.

  Albert Einstein was convinced his cat suffered from depression.

  PHONE PHUNNIES

  Riddle: What’s the difference between a phone booth and a bathroom? (If you don’t know, please don’t use our phone booth.)

  OVER THE HUMP

  Next time you find yourself in rural India and need to phone home, don’t bother looking for a phone booth; there are none—the cost of laying telephone cable in rural areas is prohibitive. Yet there are millions of potential customers, so enterprising telecommunications companies have to be creative. Enter Shyam Telelink. The solution: They own 200 mobile phones. Every day they send the phones out into the back country… mounted on camels. Customers say the service is very user-friendly. Cost: 2 cents a call.

  DIAL-A-DOLPHIN

  Stressed out and stuck in traffic with only your cell phone to keep you company? Call a dolphin. As you listen to their underwater clicks and whistles, your stress will disappear. At least that’s what scientists at Ireland’s Dolphin and Wildlife Foundation hope will happen once they’ve installed underwater microphones in the Shannon estuary, where dolphins reside year round. They’re working with telecom giant Vodaphone to make it possible for cell phone users worldwide to “reach out and touch” the dolphins.

  Some kinks still need to be worked out, though—dolphins use a wide frequency band to communicate…most of which is beyond the human range of hearing.

  CALL ME STUPID

  Michael LaRock, a thief who had been on the run for over a year, called the police in Ticonderoga, New York, to boast that he would never be caught. Apparently it didn’t occur to him that the police might have caller I.D. The cops tracked the call to Auburn, Georgia, and quickly contacted the local police. While Officer Dan Charlton in New York was talking to LaRock on the phone, he heard the doorbell ring in the background. The next thing he heard was the Georgia police coming through the door to arrest the thief…right in his own home.

  Most widely eaten fish in the world: herring.

  SPACE, INC.

  To most people, the stars represent the infinite cosmos. To some advertisers, they represent infinite opportunity—or rather, product placement heaven.

  LOOK! UP IN THE SKY!

  Companies have been trying to commercialize space since the 1960s. But they took one giant step in 1993 when a Georgia-based company called Space Marketing, Inc. floated the idea of sending mile-long billboards into orbit. The Mylar billboards were designed to stay aloft for 30 days and project images half the size of a full moon to potential customers down on Earth. Fortunately, it never happened. Congress outlawed the billboards later that year, as Massachusetts Congressman Edward Markey raised the specter of every sunrise and sunset beaming down “the logo of Coke or G.M. or the Marlboro man, turning our morning and evening skies into the moral equivalent of the side of a bus.”

  While our skies seem safe from advertising for the moment, they may not stay that way. Federal regulations prohibit federal employees—astronauts included—from endorsing products, but American companies have found creative ways to finesse their own nation’s rules. And the cash-poor Russians have no such inhibitions. In fact, they’ve thrown the doors wide open to advertisers in order to help fund their space ventures. A brief chronology:

  FISHER SPACE PEN (1968) Fisher was trying to build a better ballpoint when it invented a cartridge that used pressurized nitrogen instead of gravity to feed ink to the pen point. Two years later, NASA thought the pens would be perfect for taking notes in zero gravity and sent some along on the Apollo 7 mission. The pens, renamed AG-7 Space Pens, became standard equipment on both American and Russian flights. Seizing a marketing opportunity, in 1998 Fisher peddled their pens during a live telecast from the Russian space station Mir to home shopping network QVC.

  THE COKE/PEPSI CHALLENGER (1985) Among the many scientific experiments carried out on 1985’s STS-51F Challenger mission was one NASA called the Carbonated Beverage Dispenser Evaluation (CBDE). In this carefully controlled trial, Coca-Cola and Pepsi each provided specially designed cans to deliver their beverages to thirsty astronauts. (The crew reported that without gravity or refrigeration, neither was very good.)

  Antarctica is the only continent that does not have land areas below sea level.

  SLINKY SLINKS ONTO SPACE SHUTTLE (1985) Another experiment was conducted on the Challenger to show how a Slinky would behave in low-gravity conditions. Astronauts were filmed playing with the toys for an “educational” video.

  GOT MILKSKI? (1997) Space vehicles carry milk in powdered form—they can’t spare the energy for refrigeration. So what better way to show off the long shelf life of Israel’s Tnuva Milk than to deliver it fresh to the space travelers’ door? They spent $450,000 to fly their product to the Mir space station and film cosmonauts gulping it down, and then used the footage for a commercial on Israeli television.

  PIE IN THE SKY (1999) Pizza Hut reportedly paid the Russians $1 million to paint a 30-foot version of its logo on the side of a Russian Proton rocket that was carrying a crew to the International Space Station (ISS). Then, piggybacking on a Russian cargo flight, Pizza Hut delivered a 15-inch salami and cheese pizza.

  FRAMED! (2000) Radio Shack flew a “talking” picture frame to the ISS as a Father’s Day gift for Commander Yuri Usachev. It held a picture of his 12-year-old daughter, Evgenia, and played this message: “Hey Dad, we are wishing you good fortune and success in your job and good relationships with the crew.” A TV commercial featuring space-suited cosmonauts floating in through a hatch to deliver the gift to Usachev in a Radio Shack shopping bag debuted on American television on May 27, 2001.

  BUILDING BLOCKS OF LIFE (2001) To promote their “Life on Mars” line, the LEGO company had a parcel containing 300 “miniature aliens” shuttled to the ISS and back again as part of a contest, in which the toys would be awarded as prizes. Cosmonauts were photographed playing with the toys before they were packed up for their return trip. According to Jay McGill, publisher of Popular Mechanics (which has also been marketed on the ISS), “Anythi
ng can be done for rubles.”

  Q: What makes an acupuncturist proud? A: A jab well done.

  DUMB CROOKS OF THE OLD WEST

  Here’s proof that stupidity is timeless (and sometimes deadly).

  THE DALTON BROTHERS

  In the little town of Coffeyville, Kansas, in 1890, Bob, Emmett, and Gratton Dalton, along with two other men, formed a gang of outlaws. Inspired by the exploits of their cousins the Younger Brothers—who 15 years earlier had stolen nearly half a million dollars from trains and banks with the James Gang—the Daltons pulled a few small-time robberies. But they wanted a big payoff and the fame that goes with it—and that could only come from a bank heist. So they planned it all out…all wrong:

  1. The Daltons aimed to rob two banks at once: two men would rob the First National Bank, while the other three hit Condon & Co. across the street. They thought they’d get double the loot, but they only doubled their chances of getting caught.

  2. Instead of traveling to another town where no one knew them, they chose Coffeyville—where everyone knew them.

  3. The street in front of the banks was being repaired the day of the heist. They could have postponed it, but went ahead anyway. Now they had to hitch their horses a block away, making a clean getaway that much more difficult.

  4. Smart: They wore disguises. Dumb: The disguises were wispy stage mustaches and goatees. Locals saw right through them.

  The bank robberies were a disaster. The townsfolk saw the Dalton boys coming and armed themselves. The Daltons did get $20,000 from First National, but came up empty at the other bank when a teller said she couldn’t open the safe. When they emerged from the banks, an angry mob was waiting for them in the street. A hail of bullets followed, killing every member except Emmett Dalton, who spent the next 15 years in prison. He emerged from the penitentiary to discover that the Dalton Gang’s story had indeed been immortalized, but not as legendary outlaws…only as hapless screwups.

  Thomas Edison proposed to his second wife by Morse code.

  LUCKY FINDS

  Have you ever found something valuable? It’s one of the best feelings in the world. Here’s another installment of a regular Bathroom Reader feature—a look at some folks who found really valuable stuff…and got to keep it.

  IT MAY BE UGLY, BUT IT’S MINE

  The Find: Painting by Jackson Pollack

  Where It Was Found: In a thrift shop

  The Story: Retired truckdriver Teri Horton, 70, of Costa Mesa, California, bought an abstract painting for a friend at a local thrift shop. The price was $8, but Horton thought it was ugly and told the store owner, “I ain’t paying eight dollars for this thing.” She got it for $5. As it turned out, the painting wouldn’t fit through her friend’s front door, so Horton kept it. When another friend, an art professor, saw the painting, he told her it might actually be an original work by the 20th-century master Jackson Pollack. He was right: in July 2003, forensic specialists found one of Pollack’s fingerprints on it—making it worth $20 million. “I still think it’s ugly,” Horton said, “but now I see dollar signs.”

  SHELL SHOCK

  The Find: 40-carat emerald

  Where It Was Found: In a conch shell

  The Story: An elementary school teacher and part-time salvage diver was searching the wreck of a Spanish galleon that had sunk off the coast of Florida during a hurricane 380 years ago. Finding nothing of value, the diver collected a bucketful of seashells for his students instead. Later, as he was washing the shells, a 40-carat emerald estimated to be worth millions rolled out of a queen conch shell. According to Doug Pope, president of Amelia Research & Recovery, the man didn’t even know what he’d found. “He thought it might be a piece of a Heineken bottle.”

  PRICEY WATERHOUSE

  The Find: Victorian masterpiece painting

  Where It Was Found: In an old farmhouse

  Q: What animal has the longest tail in the world? A: The male giraffe—it can be up to 8 feet.

  The Story: In 1973 a British couple bought a run-down farmhouse in Canada. They requested that an old painting in the house be included in the sale—because they thought it looked nice on the wall. Nineteen years later, they decided to have the painting appraised by Odon Wagner, an art dealer in Toronto. “Odon nearly fell off his chair,” said a spokesman for Christie’s auction house. It was Gather Ye Rosebuds While Ye May, a 1909 work by the Victorian master John William Waterhouse that had been missing for almost a century. “Nobody knew where it was,” he said, “and we still don’t know how it got to Canada.” It was expected to sell for about $5 million. He said the couple was “very, very pleased.”

  YEAH! YEAH! YEAH!

  The Find: More than 500 unknown photos of the Beatles

  Where They Were Found: At a university in Scotland

  The Story: Dundee University in Scotland was working to digitize its archives in 2002 when someone came across a cache of 130,000 photos by the late Hungarian photographer Michael Peto. Peto’s son had given the collection to the university in 1971. Included were hundreds of black and whites of the Beatles from 1965, including candid shots of the band eating, drinking tea, and relaxing between takes on the set of the movie Help! Many of the images had never been seen by the public before. A spokesperson for Christie’s auction house wouldn’t put a dollar figure on the photos, but expected them to be worth a “significant” amount.

  * * *

  IT’S THE THOUGHT THAT COUNTS

  Joe Purkey of Knoxville, Tennessee, lost his high school ring in 1964. Then he got a phone call about it…37 years later. It was Bob’s Septic Service on the line. It seems that between when he bought the ring and when it was delivered, Purkey had lost 40 pounds. The ring was too loose and slipped off his finger…into the toilet just as he was flushing it. An employee of the septic service found it in their filtering system. She cleaned it off, researched the date and initials, and in November 2001 gave it back to its original owner. Purkey claimed to be grateful, but wasn’t thrilled about wearing it again. “It was never really lost,” he said, “I just didn’t wanna go get it.”

  Worldwide, about 20% of all married couples are first cousins.

  PRIMETIME PROVERBS

  Reflections on life from some of today’s most popular shows.

  ON LAWYERS

  Corporal Cortez: “They’re not going to be glad to see us.”

  Harm: “I’m a lawyer, Corporal, no one’s ever glad to see me.”

  —J.A.G

  ON LISTENING

  Kelly: “Dad, you haven’t heard a single word I’ve said!”

  Ozzy: “Can I explain something? You haven’t been standing in front of 50 billion decibels for the past thirty years! Leave me a note!”

  —The Osbournes

  ON ENDANGERED SPECIES

  Stan: “Dolphins are intelligent and friendly.”

  Cartman: “Intelligent and friendly on rye bread with some mayonnaise.”

  —South Park

  ON LOVE

  “My love for you is like this scar: ugly, but permanent.”

  —Grace, Will and Grace

  ON EATING

  “Cheese: it’s milk that you chew.”

  —Chandler, Friends

  ON DEATH

  Frasier: “There’s nothing you can do when the cold hand of Death comes knocking on your door…”

  (knock at door)

  Frasier: “Would you get that?”

  Niles: “I most certainly will not!”

  —Frasier

  ON HIGHER EDUCATION

  “College is for ugly girls who can’t get modeling contracts.”

  —Kelso, That ‘70s Show

  ON ANIMALS

  “If frogs could fly…well, we’d still be in this mess, but wouldn’t it be neat?”

  —Drew, The Drew Carey Show

  ON HIGH SCHOOL

  Andie: “You guys are a bunch of cynics, you know that? I mean, what kind of high school memories will you have if all you did in high scho
ol was bitch and moan about everything?”

  Joey: “Bitching memories.”

  Dawson: “Moaning memories.”

  —Dawson’s Creek

  First coast-to-coast paved highway in U.S.: Lincoln Highway (N.Y–S.F.). It opened in 1913.

  NAME THAT SLEUTH

  It took us a while, but using time-tested sleuthing techniques, we finally solved…The Mystery of the Fictional Detective Names.

  PERRY MASON (1933)

  As a youngster, author Erle Stanley Gardner subscribed to a boy’s fiction magazine, The Youth’s Companion, and learned a lot about writing from the stories he read. The Youth’s Companion was published by…Perry Mason and Company.

  SPENSER FOR HIRE (1973)

  Robert B. Parker first introduced his streetwise, Chaucer-quoting, beer-drinking, gourmet-cooking, Bostonian, ex-boxer private investigator in The Godwulf Manuscript. Parker saw Spenser as a tough guy but also as a knight in shining armor and named him after the English poet (and Shakespeare contemporary) Edmund Spenser.

  MIKE HAMMER (1947)

  Writer Mickey Spillane had been in and out of the comic book business for years when he tried to sell a new detective strip to some New York publishers in 1946. The character’s name was Mike Danger. When no one would buy, he decided to turn it into a novel and changed the name to Mike Hammer, after one of his favorite haunts, Hammer’s Bar and Grill.

  SHERLOCK HOLMES AND DR. JOHN WATSON (1887)

  Dr. Watson is believed to have been inspired by author Arthur Conan Doyle’s friend Dr. James Watson. It’s less clear how he named the famous sleuth whom he originally named Sherringford Holmes. Most experts say Doyle took “Holmes” from American Supreme Court justice, physician and poet Oliver Wendell Holmes, well-known for his probing intellect and attention to detail. Sherringford was changed to Sherlock, Doyle enthusiasts say, for a famous violinist of the time, Alfred Sherlock. Fittingly, Doyle made his detective an amateur violinist.