Uncle John's Endlessly Engrossing Bathroom Reader Read online

  TWUNGE TISTERS

  THE INVENTIONS OF PROFESSOR LUCIFER GORGONZOLA BUTTS

  A MAN CALLED RUBE

  THE GOLDBERG VARIATIONS

  THE “AUTOMATIC” BACK-SCRATCHER

  GETTING AN OLIVE OUT OF A BOTTLE

  SHARPENING A PENCIL

  UNHEARD ALBUMS

  MC HAMMER, TOO TIGHT

  PRINCE & THE REVOLUTION, DREAM FACTORY

  NEIL YOUNG, HOMEGROWN

  BEASTIE BOYS, WHITE HOUSE

  CRUNCHY LOGGS

  USED COWS FOR SALE

  Q&A: ASK THE EXPERTS

  WRONG TURN AT ALBUQUERQUE?

  FOR LOVE OF THE GAME

  THE YELLOW RIVER GOT ITS NAME FROM I.P. FREELY

  HAIR IT IS

  HAIR IT ISN’T

  CHECK IT OUT

  IT’S A WEIRD, WEIRD WORLD

  WON’T GIVE YOU THE TIME OF DAY

  WITH FRIENDS LIKE THESE…

  AT LEAST HE CAN’T COMPLAIN ABOUT THE NOISE

  GET YOUR GOAT

  END OF THE ROAD

  THE GREAT RACE, PART II

  ENTLEMEN, RESTART YOUR ENGINES

  HUMAN OBSTACLES

  ITALIAN TRAGEDY

  AND THE WINNER IS…

  A NEW ERA BEGINS

  POSTSCRIPT

  “ALWAYS”…OR “NEVER”?

  HOBBS STRIKES OUT

  THE NATURAL (1984)

  PRETTY WOMAN (1990)

  CLERKS (1994)

  FIRST BLOOD (1982)

  THERE’S SOMETHING ABOUT MARY (1998)

  TOILET TECH: BABY EDITION

  THE BABYKEEPER

  THE TUMMYTUB

  THE NITE TRAIN’R

  THE WEEBLOCK

  3-D TV

  HELP ME, OBI-WAN!

  STEREOSCOPE 3-D

  RED-GREEN ANAGLYPH

  POLARIZED-LENS 3-D

  PULFRICH-EFFECT 3-D

  COLORCODE (AMBER-BLUE ANAGLYPH)

  3-D TV WITHOUT GLASSES?

  HOLOGRAPHIC TV

  UNCLE JOHN HELPS OUT AROUND THE HOUSE

  INDIANA BASKETBALL: THE CRISPUS ATTUCKS TIGERS

  COLOR LINE

  BEST BEHAVIOR

  NEW ATTITUDE

  THE BIG TIME

  NEVER AGAIN

  THE FAKE NEWS NETWORK

  BROADCAST BLUES

  FROM THE WIRE

  MONEY FOR NOTHIN’

  IS THIS EVEN LEGAL?

  THE NEWS-VERTISING AGE

  URBAN LEGENDS

  GARDY LOO!

  WOULD YOU BELIEVE…

  UNCLE JOHN’S PAGE OF LISTS

  TRADING PAINT & SPRING RUBBER

  BEHIND THE (MOB) HITS

  ARNOLD “THE BRAIN” ROTHSTEIN

  ARTHUR “DUTCH SCHULTZ” FLEGENHEIMER

  “JOE THE BOSS” MASSERIA

  JOSEPH “CRAZY JOEY” GALLO

  LITTLE THINGS MEAN A LOT

  ONE INCH

  A DATA-ENTRY ERROR

  A MOIST SENSOR

  A SOFTWARE GLITCH

  A KEY AND A PAIR OF BINOCULARS

  DYING WORDS

  USE IT OR LOSE IT

  THE CADUCITY LIST

  BATHROOM NEWS

  SEAT-SEEKING MISSILE

  DEARLY DE-POTTED

  RING AROUND THE DRAIN

  TASTELESS TOYS

  TAP, TAP, TAP!

  BACKGROUND

  GRIP

  SPOKESTHINGIES

  MAVIS BEACON

  THE GEICO CAVEMEN

  THE NAUGA

  JACK

  MEET HITLER’S DOCTOR

  STRANGE BEDFELLOWS

  DOC MEDIOC–RITY

  “MADE” IN BULGARIA

  PRIMARY PHYSICIAN

  HEAVEN SCENT

  TAKE THIS…AND THIS…AND THIS

  THE ONE-TWO PUNCH

  DER GUINEA PIG

  THE PLOT THICKENS

  VERY QUIZ-LIKE

  THE PROVERBIAL TRUTH

  IT (PROBABLY) WON’T KILL YOU TO EAT…

  IRONIC, ISN’T IT?

  DE-PROGRAMMED

  WIPING THE SLATE CLEAN

  FAMILY ISSUES

  STONE COLD DEAD

  KURBY AND KRYSTAL GO TO WHITE CASTLE

  SWEET IRONY

  CUTTING REMARK

  HAMBURGLAR

  ADVENTUROUS SPIRITS

  DUMB CROOKS: SILLY WEAPONS UNIT

  THE POTTY POLLS, PT. II

  YOUR TOOTHBRUSH AND YOU

  CLEANLINESS IS NEXT TO…IMPOSSIBLE

  IN THE SHOWER

  GOING GREEN

  AROUND THE WORLD

  ROCK ’N’ ROLL DIARY

  CLASS ACTS

  THE CORVETTE HITS THE ROAD

  THE PARTS BIN SPECIAL

  BELLE OF THE BALL

  READY OR NOT

  START YOUR ENGINES

  CORVETTE EMPTOR

  NO LOCKOUTS

  (FIBER)GLASS HOUSES

  THANKS…BUT NO THANKS

  THUNDERSTRUCK

  CAN’T QUIT NOW

  RUSSELL’S RUMINATIONS

  SAME CO.

  WORLD WRESTLING FEDERATION

  BLACKWATER WORLDWIDE

  PHILLIP MORRIS

  DIEBOLD

  GMAC FINANCIAL SERVICES

  THE HISTORY OF JUDO

  NINETY-POUND WEAKLING

  JU-JISTORY

  I GENTLE YOU TO DEATH!

  RANK AND RE-FILE

  BELT HIM!

  POLI-TALKS

  RANDOM ORIGINS

  LICENSE PLATES

  THE INFINITY SYMBOL

  THE PERIODIC TABLE OF ELEMENTS

  THE TAPE MEASURE

  SUDOKU

  PSEUDOCIDAL TENDENCIES

  DECENT PROPOSALS

  THE SOCIETY FOR THE COALITION OF ORGANIZATIONS AND ASSOCIATIONS

  MOMENTS OF CANDOR

  (NOT) COMING TO A THEATER NEAR YOU

  BATMAN: YEAR ONE (2003)

  AMERICAN IDIOT (2006)

  KING KONG VS. FRANKENSTEIN (1962)

  STRAWBERRY FIELDS FOREVER (1987)

  THE 50TH STATE

  BACKGROUND

  A REAL-LIFE GHOST STORY, PART II

  WHO’S THERE?

  FROM BED TO WORSE

  YOU ARE NOT ALONE

  SOMETHING IN THE AIR

  WHAT’S UP, DOC?

  DÉJÀ VIEW

  THE FIRST AMERICAN…

  PENITENTIARY

  NATIVE-BORN GORILLA

  BOOK

  CRICKET MATCH

  BABY BOOM

  WINE

  KOREAN

  PUBLICLY FUNDED ART PROJECT

  …CAR RACE

  WHY ARE THEY CALLED “GREEN HORN S” ?

  PORTA-NEWS

  TANGLED UP IN EWW!

  SHOW SOME RESPECT

  NOWHERE TO RUN, NOWHERE TO HIDE

  THE MAN WHO WOULD NOT DIE

  THE NEFARIOUS SCHEME

  A TOUGH CONSTITUTION

  HE LIVES!

  CAUGHT!

  OOPS!

  THE TWEETER AND THE BRANCH

  GET A GRIP

  ARREST ME, WILL YOU? BWA HA HA HA!

  CELLO WHAT?

  LETTER TO THE EDITOR

  HEADING SOUTH

  BODY OF EVIDENCE

  OH, NUTS

  LIFE IMITATES ART

  ENGLAND’S ROSWELL

  (SOMEWHAT) CLOSE ENCOUNTER

  MAKING AN IMPRESSION

  DÉJÀ VIEW

  WITH THEIR OWN EYES

  ON PAPER

  EXTRAORDINARY

  PRIMETIME PROVERBS

  ON TRUTH

  ON ADVERTISING

  ON CHURCH

  ON DISAPPOINTMENT

  ON PAIN

  ON BEING YOURSELF

  ON ART

  ON INTELLIGENCE

  ON TELEVISION

  ON GOING TO WORK

  ON CRIMINAL JUSTICE

  ON EGO

  ON BELIEF

  OLD TWO-TOES

&nb
sp; BEAR THIS IN MIND

  GRAHAM CRACKER

  WELSH RAREBIT

  FRENCH FRY

  EXERCISE YOUR BRAIN

  THE DIGITAL CAMERA REVOLUTION, PART III

  JUST POINT…AND SHOOT!

  PROUD PAPA

  A WORLD OF PAPARAZZI

  OVERSATURATION

  EYES OF THE WORLD

  THEME CRUISE

  WEST COAST GROOVE CRUISE

  SEPTEMBER MORN CRUISE

  CLOTHING-OPTIONAL HOMECOMING CRUISE

  FRIENDS OF ABBOTT AND COSTELLO

  SPYCRUISE

  MOTORCYCLE CRUISE

  THE BEST OF PUBLIC BROADCASTING CRUISE

  STAR TREK ADVENTURE CRUISE

  BEHIND THE HITS

  THE NEW INDIAN WARS

  RESURGENCE

  BLIND SPEED DEMONS

  KEN MOSS (Automobile—solo)

  MIKE NEWMAN (Automobile—solo)

  LUC COSTERMANS (Automobile)

  STEVE CUNNINGHAM (Speedboat)

  BILLY “THE WHIZZ” BAXTER (Motorcycle—solo)

  GRAHAM “G-FORCE” HICKS (All-Terrain Vehicle)

  READ YOUR MOLE-O-SCOPE

  YOUR LEGS AND FEET

  YOUR HANDS AND ARMS

  THE PANTS SUIT

  SUITING UP

  A PRESSING MATTER

  CLASSLESS ACTION

  ALL RISE

  JUDGING THE JUDGE

  THE VERDICT

  AFTERMATH

  CAUTION: SLOW CHILDREN

  SHE’S GOT GAME

  ON A ROLL

  WATERING HOLE

  MO MONEY, MO PROBLEMS

  THE WORLD’S WORST ACCIDENT

  RADIOACTIVE WIND

  DON’T PANIC!

  NUCLEAR POWER 101

  CONTROL FREAKS

  THE CHINA SYNDROME

  COOL IT

  WHAT NOT TO DO

  UH-OH…

  THE BATTLE OF CHERNOBYL

  THE PEACEFUL ATOM?

  LOST CONTINENT

  PLATO’S RETREAT

  BANANA FLOAT

  STEINER’S WAY

  MUCKING ABOUT

  SO, WHERE IS IT?

  THE NATURAL GAS REPORT

  BOMBED OUT

  AIR APPARENT

  A FINE EXAMPLE

  LAW AND ODOR

  AMAZING COINCIDENCES

  CELEBRITY GOSSIP

  LEC BALDWIN

  BOB DYLAN

  JENNIFER ANISTON

  SARAH JESSICA PARKER

  MICK JAGGER

  KEVIN BACON

  KATHARINE HEPBURN

  LINDSAY LOHAN

  BRAD PITT

  ALEX TREBEK

  GREED: THE LOST MASTERPIECE

  THE GERMAN INVASION

  ARTISTIC VISION

  KEEPING IT REAL

  A VERY LONG ENGAGEMENT

  BIG BUSINESS

  CUT IT OUT

  REEL TRAGEDY

  IN PIECES

  INDIANA BASKETBALL: OSCAR ROBERTSON

  THE CHANGING OF THE GUARD

  THAT CHAMPIONSHIP SEASON

  ROLLING THUNDER

  THE REAL HOOSIERS

  OVERTIME

  GOURMET FOOD: HUMBLE ORIGINS

  LOBSTER

  FOIE GRAS

  OYSTERS

  SNAILS

  THE MARK OF ZORA

  SKIN DEEP

  DREAM JOB

  A TOUGH FIT

  THE RIGHT MAN FOR THE JOB

  ONE STEP AT A TIME

  A RACY REPUTATION

  THE “OLD GLORY” STORY

  YOUNG GLORY

  FLAG OF OUR ENEMIES

  OLD BLANKETY

  FAKE-LORE

  MORE COMMONLY MISUSED WORDS

  RANDOM BITS ON ’90s HITS

  THE PORTMANTEAU MOVIE QUIZ

  DER FARTENFÜHRER, PT. III

  BACK TO THE DRAWING BOARD

  GOOOOOOOOOD MORNING!

  THANK YOU SIR, MAY I HAVE ANOTHER

  THE DRUG CULTURE

  SIDE EFFECTS

  NO SURRENDER

  MIND…AND BODY

  SO LONG

  LAST GASP

  PHRASE ORIGINS

  DRAWING ROOM

  JERKWATER TOWN

  BEAR HUG

  IT’S A WEIRD, WEIRD CRIME

  IF CONVICTED, HE WILL A-PEEL

  BED RIDDEN

  SMALL CRIMES DIVISION

  KIDNEY REMOVAL

  GETTING TANKED

  STOOL SAMPLE

  SEE YOU LATER, NAVIGATOR

  BATTLE FOR POSITION

  LOST AND FOUND

  COUNTERATTACK

  REGROUP AND TRY AGAIN

  SORE WINNERS

  THE NEW DEAL

  CRASH AND BURN

  STING OF THE STING RAY

  BORN AGAIN

  HIGH WATERMARK

  HARLEY’S GHOST

  MIDDLEMAN

  FROM A LEMON, LEMONADE

  SHARK ATTACK

  LOSING ITS STING

  DROP IN FOR A VISIT SOMETIME

  TALES FROM THE MORGUE

  SURF’S UP!

  HE’E NALU

  WALKING ON WATER

  WIPEOUT

  CALIFORNIA DREAMIN’

  BUSTIN’ SURFBOARDS

  WAVE GOODBYE

  RANDOM FACTS

  THE PHYSICS OF SURFING

  CATCH A WAVE

  GET ON BOARD

  HOW TO TELL IF YOU’VE BEEN ABDUCTED BY ALIENS

  AT BEDTIME

  ON THE ROAD

  DURING THE DAY

  PHYSICAL CHANGES

  WHAT’S UP, DOC?

  AFTER THE FACT

  …DON’T LEAVE EARTH WITHOUT IT

  THE LIFE AND TIMES OF JAR JAR BINKS

  WE WAITED FOR THIS?

  SUPPORTING CAST

  A STAR IS TORN

  THE FILMMAKERS STRIKE BACK

  DEMOTED

  ATTACK OF THE CLOWNS

  A JARRING FUTURE

  THE BROTHERS ROCKEFELLER

  WITH GREAT POWER…

  SON #1: JOHN D. ROCKEFELLER III (1906–78)

  SON #2: NELSON ALDRICH ROCKEFELLER (1908–79)

  SON #3: LAURANCE S. ROCKEFELLER (1910–2004)

  SON #4: WINTHROP ROCKEFELLER (1912–73)

  SON #5: DAVID ROCKEFELLER (1915–)

  NET GAINS AND LOSSES

  URBAN WILDLIFE

  CROWDED HOUSE

  THERE GOES THE NEIGHBORHOOD

  OPTIONS

  BIG CRITTERS

  YOUR OWN NATURAL WILDERNESS AREA

  OPPORTUNISTS

  RANDOM BITS ON 2000s HITS

  BELTS

  GROANERS

  RETURN TO CHERNOBYL

  MELTDOWN!

  SILENT SPRING

  OPPOSING VIEWS

  NOBODY WINS

  THE BALLOON MAN

  FROM DEPRESSION TO INFLATION

  ESCAPING TO HIS LAB

  AIR HEAD

  BALLOONS FROM THE BUTCHER

  A CAT KISS FOR LUCK

  FOOTNOTE TO OBSCURITY

  TALK TO THE BONES

  BIOGRAPHY OF THE BONES

  MEASURING THE PAST

  PLANE SPEAKER

  FACES AND PLACES

  A NEW ERA

  ENGLAND’S ROSWELL, PART II

  NOT SO FAST

  DUMB YANKEES

  LARGER THAN (EXTRATERRESTRIAL) LIFE

  SHINING A LIGHT ON THINGS

  THE SKEPTIC

  SEEING IS BELIEVING

  MUCH ADO ABOUT…

  BLIND DATE

  A LIKELY STORY

  “THE MAINTENANCE OF WORLD PEACE”

  TALL TALES OF THE TOTEM POLE

  HISTORY’S MYTH-STORIES

  MYTHS AND ORIGINS

  MINE’S BETTER THAN YOURS

  THE FIGURES

  SHAME ON YOU

  ARTISTS AND THEIR TOOLS

  TOTEM PRESERVATION

  REACHING HIGHER

  WHO’S LOW MAN ON T
HE TOTEM POLE?

  FOLLOWING PROTOCOL

  INTERNATIONAL INCIDENTS

  WE’RE ON A MISSION

  MANAGING THE WORLD’S MOST EXCLUSIVE HOTEL

  THE GIFT UNIT

  A BARREL OF GAFFES

  THE DIGITAL CAMERA REVOLUTION, PART IV

  THE DIGITAL DARKROOM

  THE PHOTOSHOP EFFECT

  PRESSED

  A WHOLE LOT OF NOTHING