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Uncle John's Endlessly Engrossing Bathroom Reader
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Table of Contents
Title Page
Praise
Acknowledgments
WE KEEP GOING…AND GOING…AND GOING…
YOU’RE MY INSPIRATION
WARNING LABELS
MYTH-CONCEPTIONS
BUTTERFLY FACTS
OOPS !
STAYING ON TRACK
THE LONG AND SHORT OF THINGS
FIRE SAFETY 101
CSI: OOPS
LOWER EDUCATION
MAN VS. DRYER
TECH SUPPORT
FOOD ORIGINS
LATTE
FAST FOOD KIDS’ MEAL
THE SHIRLEY TEMPLE
WHY ARE THEY CALLED “TANKS”?
EVERYDAY HEROES
STEERED RIGHT
RAIL BRAVE
IT CAME FROM ABOVE
DIDN’T SEE THAT ONE COMING
BIONIC MEN
CONFESSIONS!
THAT’S AMORE?
STUPID CUPID
WHO’S SORRY NOW?
SLEEP THE NIGHT AWAY
OH, WHAT A TANGLED WEB SITE
TRADING PLACES
I WANT HALF!
METROPOLIS CONFIDENTIAL
A MINI-ENCYCLOPEDIA OF KRYPTONITE
EATING CONTESTS TO AVOID
CRANBERRY SAUCE
HAGGIS
RAMEN NOODLES
CHILI SPAGHETTI
PICKLED BEEF TONGUE (WHOLE)
BUTTER (¼-pound sticks)
HARD-BOILED EGGS
PICKLED JALAPEÑO PEPPERS
THE FIRST TRAIN ROBBERS
SOMETHING NEW
END OF THE LINE
TITANIC, STARRING MACAULAY CULKIN
DRIVING MISS DAISY, STARRING LUCILLE BALL
TITANIC, STARRING MACAULAY CULKIN
CHARLIE’S ANGELS, STARRING ANGELINA JOLIE
GREASE, STARRING HARRY REEMS
THE CROW, STARRING CHRISTIAN SLATER
FORREST GUMP, STARRING DAVE CHAPPELLE
THRASHINGS
HORSE RACING
BASKETBALL
SOCCER
OLYMPIC HOCKEY
GOLF
DID YOU EVER NOTICE…
THREE AMAZING AFRICAN TREES
THE BIG BAOBAB
THE MIRACLE TREE
THE TREE OF TÉNÉRÉ
OFFICIAL STATE BUSINESS
NUMBERED FACTS
THE GREAT RACE, PART I
GET A HORSE
MY CAR’S BETTER THAN YOURS
GENTLEMEN, START YOUR ENGINES
THEY’RE OFF!
TAKING THE LEAD
THE BEIJING TEA SCAM (AND OTHER CONS)
IRONIC, ISN’T IT?
DINGLES AND BEEF
UP IN A DOWN ECONOMY
RANDOM BITS ON ’70s HITS
DOWN THE HATCH!
DO-IT-YOURSELF DISASTERS
KITCHEN Q&A
What is “freezer burn”? Is it bad for you?
What’s the reason for boiling live lobsters?
Why do they put wax (or whatever that stuff is) on cucumbers?
Is it true that you have to cook pork until it’s well done?
There’s mold on my cheese. Can I eat it anyway?
Is that red juice oozing from the roast beef actually blood?
WHAT A CONCEPT!
EVACUATE NOW!
DUNKIRK, FRANCE
MISSISSAUGA, ONTARIO
THE SS REPUBLIC
PRIPYAT, UKRAINE
UNCLE JOHN’S STALL OF FAME
SO, WHERE ARE THEY?
FERMI’S PARADOX
LOW PRIORITY
A CONVENIENT SPACEGOAT
SILENT TREATMENT
FUNERAL MISHAPS
HE LOOKS TERRIBLE IN THAT (LAW)SU IT
DO NOT SPEAK ILL OF THE DEAD
BAD MONKEY
UNITED IN DEATH
DEATH AT A FUNERAL
ROBOTS IN THE NEWS
BUG-BOT
SCIENCE-BOT
BARTENDER-BOT
LIFTER-BOT
PET-BOT
TEACHER-BOT
RECYCLE-BOT
PSEUDOCIDAL TENDENCIES
DER FARTENFÜHRER
THE LEADER
OLD MAN
DIAGNOSES
THE CURE THAT ILLS
GUT FEELING
STILL FARTIN’
CHEST HAIR: $7 MILLION
THE SCAR POLICY
FAME…
…AND FORTUNE
THE 49TH STATE
BACKGROUND
DUMB CROOKS
EGG ON HIS FACE
TAKE THE MONEY AND (DON’T) RUN
KNIFE? CHECK. MASKS? CHECK. GAS? UH…
LIQUID COURAGE
HEY, I KNOW THAT GUY!
IT’S JUST POLITE TO LEAVE A NOTE
CUFF ’EM, DAN-O
INVENTED WORDS
FACTOID
AGNOSTIC
GROK
YES-MAN
REALTOR
GOBBLEDYGOOK
TOM SWIFTIES
THE BESTSELLING...
THE DIGITAL CAMERA REVOLUTION, PART I
A DEVELOPING STORY
SENSOR SHIP
THE KODAK DIGITAL TOASTER
GOING COMMERCIAL
TAKING OVER
AERO-NUTS
LOADED
CHANNEL SURFING
I’M AMERICAN, AND EUROPEAN
EPILOGUE
HIS LOUSY HIGHNESS
HEBREW
SPUN-OUT SPIN-OFFS
DOUGH NUTS
A ROYAL MESS
ALL IN THE FAMILY
ROYAL DISASTERS
MAD MEN
VICTORIA’S SECRET
THE WACKY WINDSORS
SCAT-R-US
WATER WORDS
DUMB JOCKS
FOUNDING FATHERS
JOSEPH PILATES
ROBERT MONDAVI
AH BING
RUDOLPH HASS
A REAL-LIFE GHOST STORY, PART I
DOCTOR WHO?
THIS OLD HOUSE
YOU ARE BEING WATCHED
RING RING
RICE IS NICE
RICE TO SEE YOU
HOW DOES RICE GROW?
KNOW YOUR RICE
RICE FACTS
UNCLE JOHN’S PAGE OF LISTS
THE WALK OF LIFE
JOHN STEWART (1747–1822)
WILLIAM WORDSWORTH (1770–1850)
CAPTAIN BARCLAY (1779–1854)
PHYLLIS PEARSALL (1906–1996)
PLENNIE L. WINGO (1895–1993)
FLUBBED HEADLINES
NATURAL GAS REPORT
POLICE LOG
IN A GALAXY FART, FART AWAY
A WASTED PAGE
STRANGE LAWSUITS
NAME THAT FABRIC
TWEED
GINGHAM
POLYESTER
RAYON
CORDUROY
SPANDEX
THE FUTURE… ACCORDING TO SCI-FI MOVIES
DIRTY AIR & BRAIN BUCKETS
OLD MAN RIVERS
MISSISSIPPI
THAMES
NILE
YANGTZE
AMAZON
DANUBE
QUIT WHILE YOU’RE AHEAD
ARTHUR RIMBAUD
JIM BROWN
KIM NOVAK
TOM LEHRER
ART BELL
IT A GRIL!
FAST FOOD
A SPORTS CAR IS BORN
THINKING SMALL
BUY AMERICAN
TOP SECRET
THE ROADSTER FINDS A HOME…
WHAT A DOLL!
A LAUGHING MATTER
FADS
BUTTON BEANIES
MEDLEYS
HYPERCOLOR
ZIMA
THE OBITS
TAIWAN’S #2 RESTAURANT
POO-BOT
GENIUS AT WORK
LOOKS FAMILIAR
IT GETS WORSE
BODILY FLUIDS
A WORD OF ADVICE
“MAKE MY DAY”
LOST AND FOUND: THE CLOUD PEOPLE OF PERU
ILLUMINATING DISCOVERY
DISAPPEARING ACT
RAIDERS OF THE LOST PEOPLES
THE SKINNY
MUSIC…WITHOUT THE MUSIC INDUSTRY
KALASHNIKOV PAT & THE HELICOPTER JAILBREAKS
BELLE GUNNESS: THE TERROR OF LA PORTE
THE DISCOVERY
BACKGROUND
MORE SUSPICIONS
NOT WELL SUITED
LAMPHERE
THE WOMAN IN THE BASEMENT
BUT WAIT! THERE’S MORE!
THE AFTERMATH
UPDATE
HOW TO DO THINGS
HOW TO PICK A GOOD COMPUTER PASSWORD
HOW TO JUMP-START A CAR
HOW TO BOIL AN EGG
HOW TO WRITE A THANK-YOU NOTE
HOW TO TELL IF A STEAK IS COOKED
ANTARCTIC JARGON
INDIANA BASKETBALL: THE “MILAN MIRACLE”
THE CHURCH OF BASKETBALL
THE MIRACLE
CAT AND MOUSE
STAR QUALITY
WAITING IN THE WINGS
THE KING OF AUCTIONS
THE POTTY POLLS
GOING OUT
ELECTRIC COMPANY
YOU’VE GOT B-MAIL
POT PEEVES
CREATURE COMFORTS
CUBISM
BUSINESS SHORTS
WEIRD CANADA
THE PUNCH WAS TOO PUNCHY
POT HEAD
AN ANGRY LITTLE BOOGAARD
JUST FOR KICKS
IT USUALLY TASTES BETTER
A VERY EXPENSIVE PENNY
PRANKSTERS
FAKE PROPOSAL
FAKE RESTAURANT
FAKE BEST BUY
FAKE TORCH
CHILDREN’S BOOKS
THE COLLOQUY
THE DISTICHS OF CATO
THE BOOK OF THE KNIGHT OF THE TOWER
A TOKEN FOR CHILDREN
TOMMY THUMB’S PRETTY SONG BOOK
A LITTLE PRETTY POCKET BOOK
NAME GAME
A SHAGGY DOG STORY
AMERICAN CHEESES
TILLAMOOK CHEDDAR
MONTEREY JACK
MAYTAG BLUE
LIEDERKRANZ
SOCIAL NOTWORK
OBSCURE MONSTERS
AFTER THE OLYMPICS
FACTS THAT CUT THE...
LIFE IMITATES ART
RANDOM BITS ON ’80s HITS
EVERYDAY HEROES
NEITHER RAIN, NOR SLEET, NOR…FIRE!
BUS DRIVER BOY
READ YOUR MOLE-O-SCOPE
LOCATION, LOCATION, LOCATION
YOUR FACE
YOUR BODY
HORSE MYSTERIES
THE CASE OF THE BRISBANE BATS
THE CASE OF THE SUDDEN SWELLING
THE CASE OF THE FALLEN FOALS
THE CASE OF THE EL PASO PUNCTURES
THE GARBAGE PROJECT
TRASHAEOLOGY
DIGGING IN
THE GARBAGE SYNDROME
FIRST PRINCIPLE…OF WEIRD BEHAVIOR
ALL THE NEWS THAT’S FIT TO PRINT
GARBAGE: THE FINAL FRONTIER
SMELLS FUNNY
BUT WOULD YOU WANT TO LIVE THERE?
COOKING WITH JULIA
THE DIGITAL CAMERA REVOLUTION, PART II
TEAMING UP
IT’S A SNAP
FROM THE FIELD
JUMPING SHIP
GOING, GOING, GONE
TOPSY-TURVY
JUST PLANE WEIRD
NUDE ATTITUDE
GOOD LUCK!
SHE’LL HAVE THE RIBS
NO MEALS, NO PEANUTS, AND YOU HAVE TO PUSH
DON’T MAKE ME TURN THIS PLANE AROUND
OUTTA HERE
CABIN PRESSURE
DON’T HAVE A COW
ROAD TRIPPING
PEE-PSI COLA
BIG, OLD, BUSY BERTHA
MOOOVE OVER
MAGNETIC PERSONALITIES
HOLY COW
FAIR THEE WELL
FORGOTTEN FIRSTS
SODA POPPED
I LOST ON JEOPARDY!
A WINNING PHRASE ORIGIN
OOPS!
WHEN IS A DEATHBED NOT A DEATHBED?
WHEN IS AN APOSTLE NOT AN APOSTLE?
I’M NOT DEAD YET
IT BROKE THE SPELL-CHECKER
GRAM CRACKERS
BLACK (HUMOR) FOREST
BIG VIDEO TREASURES
LITTLE VIDEO TREASURES
THE GREAT MOON HOAX
A WALK ON THE MOON
EXPERTS AGREE
MOON BATS
BACK TO EARTH
EPILOGUE
CHEATING DEATH
HELLO, I MUST BE GOING
FATHER KNOWS BEST
THE HITS JUST KEEP COMIN’
HEAD CASE
PLANE AMAZING
THE WRONG MEANING
PERUSE
BLATANT
DISINTERESTED
PLUS
PRESENTLY
RETICENT
FORTUITOUS
ANXIOUS
PRISTINE
DAWN
FOOL’S GOLD
IT REALLY SUCKS!
TESTING, TESTING…
GOLD FEVER
YOUR GOLD SMELLS FISHY
CREATIVE SENTENCING
TURNING THE PAGE
NOT SO CROSS
PUTTING THE “PAIN” IN PAINESVILLE
HURRICAN’T
BACKSEAT HURLER
HOW MANILOW CAN YOU GO?
PEOPLE STUFF FOR DOGS
WHEN HARRY MET BESSIE
GO, ARTICHOKES!
FABULOUS FLOP: THE GYROJET
THINKING SMALL
BULLET BASICS
ROCKET SCIENCE
THE GUN OF THE FUTURE
AND NOW THE FINE PRINT
MORE BAD NEWS
WHAT A LOAD
THANKS, BUT…
GOODBYE, HOLLYWOOD
GRACE KELLY
KAL PENN
GLENDA JACKSON
BOBBY SHERMAN
ANDREA THOMPSON
DOLORES HART
WORST TEAMS EVER
WORST HOCKEY TEAM
WORST FOOTBALL TEAM
WORST BASKETBALL TEAM
WORST COLLEGE FOOTBALL TEAM
WORST MODERN BASEBALL TEAM
WORST COLLEGE BASKETBALL TEAM
WORST OVERALL PRO SPORTS TEAM
MUSHROOM READER
YOU CALL THAT ART?
ODD BOOKS
A TURKEY IN BOSTON
AN ALLIGATOR IN THE GARAGE
A BEAR IN THE MEDIAN
A TURKEY IN BOSTON
A BIRD ON THE HEAD
A BOAR IN THE BACKYARD
A FISH IN THE WIRES
IT’S PHOSPHORIFIC!
MELLOW YELLOW
BLUE GENIE
KRAFT’S WORK
FINALLY…
GOVERN-MENTAL
LOOK BEFORE YOU LEAP
STOP—IN THE NAME OF THE LAW
THE YOLK’S ON HIM
PELOSI-ROLL’D
SPACE WAR
YOU MUST BE DREAMING