Uncle John's Endlessly Engrossing Bathroom Reader Read online

NOW MUSEUM, NOW YOU DON’T

  A PICTURE OF TOMORROW

  FUSION

  DOG TIRED! THE STORY OF THE IDITAROD

  MUSH!

  ALL-TERRAIN VEHICLES

  THE DOGGY EXPRESS

  GAME ON

  GETTING ALL YOUR DOGS IN A ROW

  POLE POSITION

  AND THEY’RE OFF!

  EQUIPMENT

  THE RACERS

  THE DOGS

  THE FINISH LINE

  THE MAKING OF ROCKY

  MAN OF THE HOUR

  EASY WRITER

  CORN BRED

  STARRING BURT REYNOLDS AS ROCKY

  DOWNSIZING

  YO, PERRY!

  PINCHING PENNIES

  KNOCKOUT

  ENDLESS WISDOM

  ANSWER PAGES

  THE LAST PAGE

  Copyright Page

  OUR “REGULAR” READERS RAVE!

  “I love the Bathroom Reader. My whole family loves your books, too—by far the most-read book in my house. They always give us something to talk about. Everything I know I learned from the BRI.”

  —Jack

  “I have read and collected almost every one of your wonderful books. Even my boys, a 10-year-old and 20-year-old (in the Navy), can’t resist grabbing one and reading any chance they get. Thanks for the many years of pleasure and education.”

  —Kerry

  “I am a huge fan and spend hours buried in the interesting stories and facts. Keep up the awesome work.”

  —Liz

  “I want to let you now how much I enjoy your books. I not only enjoy them in their intended venue, but on the job as well. I am a tour bus driver in Kentucky, which involves a lot of waiting around. Some of that waiting is for very short periods of time, and so Bathroom Readers are perfect to fill it in. I also get a lot of ‘I love those books!’ from passengers who spot them sitting on the dash.”

  —Anne D.

  “I love your books because they make me feel smarter and crack me up! I buy two each time and save the second one to give as a gift. I can’t part with my Bathroom Readers.”

  —Anita

  “I love your books. They are my favorite things to read!”

  —Kristyn

  “Your Unsinkable Bathroom Reader actually is unsinkable. How do I know? Because my copy survived a fall into a toilet!”

  —Lucas

  THANK YOU!

  The Bathroom Readers’ Institute sincerely thanks the people whose advice and assistance made this book possible.

  Gordon Javna

  John Dollison

  Brian Boone

  Jay Newman

  Thom Little

  Amy Miller

  Michael Brunsfeld

  Angela Kern

  Lorraine Bodger

  Jolly Jeff Cheek

  Jef Fretwell

  Megan Todd

  Judy Plapinger

  Jack Mingo

  Erin Barrett

  Malcolm Hillgartner

  Jahnna Beecham

  Jeff Bahr

  William Dooling

  Valerie Harrison

  Michael Kerr

  Christine DeGueron

  James Greene Jr.

  Scarab Media

  Amelia & Greta Zeve

  Claudia Bauer

  Claire Breen

  JoAnn Padgett

  Melinda Allman

  Lisa, Monica & Amy

  Ginger Winters

  Maggie Javna

  Tom “Honey” Mustard

  Sydney Stanley

  David Calder

  Karen Malchow

  Elise Gochberg

  Julie Bégin

  Julia Papps

  Media Masters

  Brendan & Avery, B.R.I.T.

  Instant Genius

  The Nation of Canada

  Eddie Deezen

  Publishers Group West

  Bloomsbury Books

  Trish & Tony

  Raincoast Books

  Porter the Wonder Dog

  Thomas Crapper

  WE KEEP GOING…AND GOING…AND GOING…

  The question I’m most often asked (other than, “When are you coming out of there?”) is, “Uncle John, what is it about this series that makes it so popular?” The answer, I believe, comes down to the fact that when you pick up a Bathroom Reader, you’re not just reading one book, but several—even dozens. How so? Within these 540 pages you’ll find a history tome, a weird news anthology, a science text, a dictionary, a how-to manual, a sports magazine, a joke book, a business primer, a quotations collection, and the list goes on. You could say it’s…endless.

  Just flip to any page and you’ll find something new to entertain you—it may make you laugh, think, or just shake your head in amazement. For example:

  • Weirdness: Alfonzo the Slobberer and other oddly named rulers, beef-scented cologne, and trees that paint pictures.

  • History unleashed: The story of a flag called “Old Glory,” the handgun that fired rockets, and the great moon hoax…of 1835.

  • Myths and Legends: Totem poles, Pecos Bill, Sciopod the one-legged monster, the rebirth of Jack in the Box, and the scariest ghost story we’ve ever told.

  • That’s entertainment: Musicians who snubbed the music industry (to great success), the future of 3-D television, Rocky Balboa’s climb to the top, and Jar Jar Binks’ plunge to the bottom.

  • Good sports: How Indiana changed basketball, how to talk NASCAR, and Haaaaai-YA!—the history of judo.

  • Wordplay: More of your favorites—including Tom Swifties, flubbed headlines, tongue twisters, cosmic questions from comedians, and endangered words on the brink of exuviation.

  • Life’s BIG instruction book: How to get furniture dents out of your carpet, how to successfully pull off the short con, and how to tell if you’ve been abducted by aliens.

  Before you dive into this bottomless bowl of fun, I’d like to give a special round of applause to Amy for keeping everything together with such poise and good humor. To Brian, John, Jay, and Thom for continuing to create amazing bathroom reading treasures. To Claudia and Claire for declunking our clunky copy. To Angie for providing us with those endlessly engrossing little facts we call running feet. (Flame throwers are legal in 40 states. Who knew?) To Michael B., who recently advised us that he has now been designing Bathroom Reader covers for more than half of his life.

  But the biggest round of applause goes to you, our readers. And to answer another question I’m often asked, “What makes a typical Bathroom Reader fan?” We’ve learned that after more than 20 years of making these books, there’s really no such thing as a typical fan—our readers come from all walks of life and span generations. Some grandparents have told us that our books help them connect with their grandkids. Younger readers have thanked us for helping them get through high school. Older readers have thanked us for helping them get through college. (One parent even told us that our books helped her son get into college.)

  In the end, there’s one thing that every Bathroom Reader fan (the BRI included) has in common: an insatiable appetite to know our world better—the good, the bad, the ugly, and the amazing. So no matter who you are, you’ll find a whole lot to love in these pages. So get reading, and reading, and reading…

  And as always,

  Go with the Flow!

  —Uncle John, the BRI Staff,

  and Porter the Wonderdog

  YOU’RE MY INSPIRATION

  It’s always interesting to find out where the architects of pop culture get their ideas. These may surprise you.

  FERRIS BUELLER. One of writer/director John Hughes’s models for the title character of his 1986 film was his childhood friend Edward McNally. Like Ferris, McNally was tormented by a school official over his frequent absences, impersonated his father to sneak his friends out of school, and tried to reverse the odometer on a “borrowed” sports car. Ferris’s shy, nerdy friend Cameron was based on Hughes himself.

  IRON MAN. In t
he early 1960s, comic book writer Stan Lee got the inspiration for the superhero and his alter ego—wealthy industrialist Tony Stark—from wealthy industrialist Howard Hughes, who, like Stark, constructed bizarre aircraft.

  HALLE BERRY. The Oscar-winning actress was named after the landmark Halle Building, home of the Halle Brothers department store, in Berry’s hometown of Cleveland, Ohio.

  THE WONDER YEARS. The 1989–93 sitcom, set from 1969 to’73, depicted a teenager (Fred Savage) growing up in the suburbs. The title of the show wasn’t a reference to the “wonder” a kid feels as he discovers the world—it came from a 1960s ad campaign from the 1960s for Wonder Bread, which told kids to eat it through their “wonder years” of adolescence.

  MICHAEL JORDAN. When Jordan’s older brother Larry played high-school basketball, his jersey number was 45. When Jordan started playing, he picked #23—that’s half of 45, rounded up. Why? Because he hoped to be half the player that Larry was.

  TWILIGHT. One of author Stephanie Meyer’s favorite books is the 1813 Jane Austen classic Pride and Prejudice, which concerns a lonely young woman who falls in love with a seemingly out-of-reach sophisticated gentleman. That provided the inspiration for Twilight, a novel about a lonely teenage girl who falls in love with a seemingly out-of-reach sophisticated…vampire.

  WARNING LABELS

  Some things in life go without saying…but there’s always the occasional genius who has to be told not to hold the moving end of a chain saw.

  On Cadbury Whole Nut Milk Chocolate bar:

  “Contains nuts, milk.”

  On a massager: “Do not use while unconscious.”

  On shin guards: “Cannot protect any part of the body they do not cover.”

  On a fireplace lighter:

  “Do not use near flame or sparks.”

  On a hot beverage cup:

  “Caution: Hot beverages are hot!”

  On a Frisbee: “May contain small parts.”

  On an electric cattle prod:

  “For use on animals only.”

  On a cordless phone: “Do

  not put lit candles on phone.”

  On cat litter: “Safe for use around pets.”

  On an iPod shuffle: “Do not eat iPod shuffle.”

  On a lottery ticket: “Do not iron.”

  On a Jet Ski: “Never use a lit match or open flame to check fuel level.”

  On sunglasses: “Not suitable for driving under conditions of poor light.”

  On a bottle of mineral water:

  “Suitable for vegetarians.”

  On PMS relief medicine:

  “Do not use if you have prostate problems.”

  On a bottle of champagne: “Remove label before placing in microwave.”

  On a Slush Puppie: “Ice may be cold.”

  On a chain saw: “Do not hold the wrong end of a chain saw.”

  On a toilet plunger: “Do not use near power lines.”

  On baby lotion: “Keep away from children.”

  On a 500-piece puzzle:

  “Some assembly required.”

  On a superhero costume:

  “You cannot save the world!”

  MYTH-CONCEPTIONS

  “Common knowledge” is frequently wrong. Here are some

  examples of things that many people believe…but

  that, according to our sources, just aren’t true.

  Myth: The Wild West was a violent, lawless wasteland where murder and gunfights occurred every day. Truth: It’s portrayed that way in Western movies because it’s dramatic. But during the heyday of the Old West (1870–85) the five major towns of Dodge City, Ellsworth, Caldwell, Abilene, and Wichita had a combined total of 45 murders. That’s a rate of 1 per 100,000 residents. The present day is far deadlier than the Wild West. The 2007 murder rate in the United States was 5.6 per 100,000—more than five times as dangerous as the “Wild” West.

  Myth: Eighteenth-century composer Antonio Salieri hated his rival, Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, and may even have poisoned him.

  Truth: The common perception of Salieri comes from the play and movie Amadeus, which took a lot of dramatic license. Salieri wasn’t as gifted as Mozart (who is?), but he was a respected musician who wrote more than 40 popular operas and tutored Schubert and Beethoven. Salieri and Mozart even collaborated on the cantata Per la ricuperata salute di Ophelia in 1785, a few years before Mozart died…of rheumatic fever, not poison.

  Myth: Holland is another name for the Netherlands.

  Truth: Holland is a region of the Netherlands, not another name for the country itself. Today, the region is split into two provinces: North Holland and South Holland. From the 10th to the 16th century, it was an autonomous country, but ever since has been part of the Netherlands.

  Myth: Mice love cheese.

  Truth: Sure, they’ll eat it if it’s in a mousetrap, but the fact is that mice will eat pretty much anything—they’re scavengers. They actually prefer sweets. The reason cheese is used in mousetraps is because it’s fragrant, which lures the mouse to the trap.

  BUTTERFLY FACTS

  How odd—when we first wrote this page, it was called “caterpillar facts.”

  • There are around 24,000 known species of butterflies (and about 140,000 species of moths).

  • Butterflies can’t see the full color spectrum—they see reds and yellows, but not blues or greens. They can, however, see ultraviolet (UV) rays, which are invisible to humans.

  • World’s largest butterfly: the Queen Alexandra’s birdwing from New Guinea, with a wingspan of 11 inches.

  • When they emerge from their cocoons, butterflies are fully grown and remain that size until they die.

  • The average butterfly weighs about as much as two flower petals.

  • Butterflies don’t pee. They drink enough liquid for subsistence. Any extra is emitted as a pure water mist from their abdomens.

  • Most butterflies live for two to three weeks. The Brimstone lives the longest—up to 10 months.

  • World’s fastest butterfly: the Monarch. It can fly at speeds of up to 17 mph.

  • If a butterfly loses part of a wing, it can still fly.

  • Butterflies don’t have lungs. They inhale oxygen directly into their bodies through small openings in their abdomens called spiracles.

  • Butterflies are among the world’s most prominent pollinators, second only to bees.

  • Where do butterflies sleep? Between large blades of grass or underneath leaves.

  • Few butterfly species fly at night. The Northern Pearl Eye does, and it has extra ears on its wings to help it detect nocturnal predators, such as bats.

  • Butterflies clean themselves in mud puddles.

  • Butterflies are cold-blooded; they can’t produce internal heat like mammals. They warm up their flying muscles by lying in the sun. Once their internal temperature reaches 86°F, they’re off.

  OOPS !

  It’s always fun to read about other people’s blunders.

  So go ahead and feel superior for a few minutes.

  STAYING ON TRACK

  A Toronto police officer reporting to a robbery in January 2008 parked his squad car next to a convenience store, which was adjacent to some train tracks. While investigating the crime, a train rumbled past the store and demolished his squad car. “Maybe it was a little bit on the tracks,” the officer admitted.

  THE LONG AND SHORT OF THINGS

  Due to a birth defect, a Swedish police officer’s right leg was slightly longer than his left leg. So in 2008, he found a surgeon who agreed to shorten the right one so that his legs would be equal. But the surgery was botched: The knee joint was put back in the wrong position, and one of the screws they used to hold the joint together came loose. During a second surgery, the doctor discovered another problem with the first surgery, which required a third one. That one was slightly botched, too, requiring a fourth. Each time, the surgeon had to take a little more off of the patient’s right leg—which had been two and
a half centimeters longer than the left. Now it’s five centimeters shorter than the left.

  FIRE SAFETY 101

  While firefighters in Honolulu, Hawaii, were at the scene of a traffic accident in 2009, they received a call about a fire…back at their firehouse. The cause: They’d been cooking food on the stove and had forgotten to turn it off when the emergency call came in for the traffic accident. The firehouse fire caused $25,000 in damage.