Uncle John's Bathroom Reader Golden Plunger Awards Read online

  THE TIP OF YOUR TONGUE AWARD

  WORD UP

  GLM’S GLUM CHOICES

  WEBSTER’S WEIGHS IN

  THEM’S FIGHTIN’ WORDS

  THE MUD BATH AWARD - Weird Spa Treatments

  TWIST AND SHOUT: WATSU

  EGGSTRAVAGANZA: CAVIAR FACIAL

  SINUOUS TREATMENT: SNAKE MASSAGE

  COLD COMFORT: SNOW AND ICE THERAPIES

  CHOCOLICIOUS: CHOCOLATE FONDUE WRAP

  BEAUTY ON TAP: BEER BATHS

  CONE HEAD: EAR CANDLING

  FIRED UP: CUPPING

  VINTAGE SOAK: WINE BATH

  FEET FIRST: “DR. FISH” FOOT BATHS

  THE “CALL ME ISHMAEL” AWARD

  READER, SHE MARRIES HIM

  TRAIN OF THOUGHT

  FIGHTING WORDS

  LUST FOR LIFE

  ANOTHER COUNTRY

  TEEN ANGST

  TURNING UP THE HEAT

  MORE OR LESS

  SOUTHERN GOTHIC

  PURPLE PROSE

  POSTMODERN POSTER BOY

  BELLY OF THE BEAST

  IT PRINTS THE WORST OF LINES

  THE TROJAN HORSE AWARD

  A SPICY STORY

  ALTERNATIVE MEDICINE

  PUNGENT PARTICULARS

  THE BETTER BUSINESS AWARD

  THE VERDICT

  SOMETHING STEWING

  THE HUSTLER

  THE TOP TOMATO

  THE RUN FOR THE ROSES AWARD

  ROSES RULE

  ROSE RENAISSANCE

  CULTIVATED TASTES

  THE REDOUBTABLE REDOUTÉ

  A ROSE IS A ROSE, TO A “ROSE”

  THE COMEBACK AWARD

  A CHILL IN THE AIR

  FAMOUS FACES IN CRYONICS

  THE PRACTICAL SIDE OF CRYOGENICS

  THE “OUT OF MY CONTROL” AWARD

  BRAIN FREEZE

  SLEEPING FEET

  BELCHES

  FARTS

  THE BATHROOM ACCESSORY AWARD

  ON YOUR MARK, GET SET . . . QUACK!

  CREATIVE CANARDS

  Also available fromUncle John’s Bathroom Reader!

  THE LAST PAGE

  Copyright Page

  THANK YOU!

  The Bathroom Readers’ Institute sincerely thanks

  the following people whose advice, assistance,

  and hard work made this book possible.

  Gordon Javna

  JoAnn Padgett

  Melinda Allman

  Amy Miller

  Julia Papps

  John Hogan

  Bethanne Kelly Patrick

  Michael Brunsfeld

  Thom Little

  Brian Boone

  Jay Newman

  Jeff Altemus

  Angela Kern

  Dan Mansfield

  Bonnie Vandewater

  Sydney Stanley

  Laurel Graziano

  Monica Maestas

  Lisa Meyers

  Ginger Winters

  David Calder

  INTRODUCTION

  Here’s just what the world needs . . . more awards. But these aren’t your typical Oscars, Emmys, Peabodys, or even Espys—they’re the Golden Plunger Awards! Bestowed upon the world’s unsung heroes, we celebrate enduring, odd, and obscure marvels from ancient history all the way to today. Without this book, these people, places, and things would probably never win anything. Okay, maybe a few have been honored, but they’ve never gotten the Golden Plunger treatment. For example:

  • The golf tee, little black dress, and other things so simple and effective that they haven’t changed in decades

  • Feats of the weird: the woman who turned herself into a cat, the corniest palace, the stinkiest cheese, and the hungry “athlete” who excels at gurgitating plenty without regurgitating any

  • Timeless toys, such as Play-Doh, Donkey Kong, and Hot Wheels (and Matchbox, too)

  • The biggest accomplishments from the bathroom, such as a wedding dress made out of TP, enviro-toilets, and how the rubber duck floated its way into the sea of scientific knowledge

  • Enduring icons—from the martini to Marilyn Monroe to the Chrysler Building—and why they’re still as popular as ever

  Warning: the Golden Plunger Awards are not controversy-free. Based on some of the “lively” debates we’ve had around the office (like whether or not vanilla is better than chocolate, or mayonnaise is better than ketchup), we can only imagine what kind of reactions may be coming our way. But while you may not agree with every award, we guarantee you’ll emerge from this book somewhat wiser . . . and definitely more opinionated. And for that, you deserve your own Golden Plunger Award!

  —Uncle John and the GPA Committee

  THE GURGITATOR AWARD

  Competitive Eating

  Some people don’t need to be told to finish their plates.

  LET THE GAMES BEGIN

  New Yorkers know how to make a hot dog. They know how to stuff one down, too. The first Nathan’s Fourth of July International Hot Dog Eating Contest was held in 1916 at New York’s Coney Island. The contest not only endured but also went on to become the most famous match in the sport of competitive eating. In 2007, an estimated 40,000 spectators journeyed to Coney Island to watch.

  Did we say sport? You bet we did. Nathan’s hot dog–eating contest is broadcast on ESPN, and the competition is overseen by the International Federation of Competitive Eating (IFOCE), whose contests are supervised and have strict rules:

  • Any vomiting during the match results in immediate disqualification.

  • Liquid can be used only as a dip to help the food go down more easily.

  • Competitors can eat items individually—in other words, eat the hot dog and then the bun—or together.

  In the 2007 contest, Joey “Jaws” Chestnut, of San Jose, California, scored a major upset against six-time champion Takeru Kobayashi of Japan. Chestnut, a relative newcomer to the competitive eating field, has managed to become a major player in just a few years. Not only did he win in 2007, but he also set a new world record: 66 hot dogs in 12 minutes. In 2008, he claimed top honors in two other contests: 78 matzo balls in 8 minutes in Houston, Texas, and 241 chicken wings in the Wing Bowl (held before the Super Bowl) in Philadelphia. In all, he holds 16 world records in competitive eating, from waffles to pulled pork to asparagus, and is currently the top-ranked gurgitator—that’s what contest participants are called in the field.

  THE REIGNING QUEEN

  Chestnut isn’t the only hungry champion to make a name for himself. Sonya “the Black Widow” Thomas of Virginia is currently ranked fifth in the world and holds the record for women in the Nathan’s Famous hot dog-eating contest (37 hot dogs in 12 minutes). At 5’5” and weighing just 100 pounds, Sonya holds several world records:

  • 48 soft chicken tacos in 11 minutes

  • 46 crab cakes in 10 minutes

  • 44 Maine lobsters in 12 minute

  • 65 hard-boiled eggs in under 7 minutes

  • 11 pounds of cheesecake in 9 minutes

  • 552 Acme oysters in 10 minutes. (This is the record she says she’s most proud of.)

  That’s a lot of food for such a small person. The United States Department of Agriculture estimates that physically active women between 31 and 50 years of age should have from 2,000 to 2,200 calories a day. A Nathan’s Famous hot dog has 309 calories, meaning Thomas had 11,433 calories on the day she ate 37 of them (or nearly a week’s worth of calories in one meal). Thomas says that she thinks she can handle up to 18 pounds of food and liquid overall and that her body digests her large feasts in 8 to 12 hours. She maintains that she doesn’t get sick after a contest.

  THE STAKES (AND STEAKS) GET BIGGER

  In the sport of competitive eating, as moderated by IFOCE, timing is key. Events are monitored, and the battle is over in a set amount of time. But amateur eating contests go on all over the world, usually sponsored by restaurants, and they often don’t limit contestants on time. For their t
roubles, the eaters usually get the meal free—and sometimes a T-shirt. Consider these (there are thousands more):

  • AJ’s Steakhouse in Grinnell, Iowa: The restaurant regularly offers an 80-ounce (five-pound) steak challenge, but to celebrate its one-year anniversary in 2001, AJ’s served up a 205-ounce sirloin. No one was able to finish it, but one man, Denny McNurlen, got down 155 ounces.

  • The Kestrel Inn, Staffordshire, England: The Kestrel Inn offers a record-setting 220-ounce steak. (That’s almost 14 pounds!) A sign warns people who order it to “Bring a doctor.”

  • Roma’s Pizza, Augusta, Georgia: Anyone who can eat a 28-inch cheese-only pizza in 90 minutes or less gets $200.

  • Charlie Parker’s, Springfield, Illinois: The restaurant serves pancakes in a 16-inch pizza pan, but the contest is to eat a big stack: four of them. Do it and the pancakes are free.

  • Mr. Bill’s, Las Cruces, New Mexico: A six-pound burger with all the fixin’s is the challenge here, and it must be finished in 30 minutes or less.

  • Swingbelly’s Beach Side BBQ, Long Beach, New York: This challenge is big. It includes not one but five barbecue items: a slab of ribs, a quarter pound of pulled pork, a quarter pound beef brisket, four chicken wings, and three rib tips. But wait, there’s more: contestants also have to eat two side dishes and a piece of cornbread.

  • Bubi’s Awesome Eats, Windsor, Ontario, Canada: A big challenge and a big prize—anyone who can eat an eight-pound burger with four toppings in 90 minutes or less wins $1,000.

  A note from Uncle John: Anyone thinking of trying one of these contests would do well to remember that health professionals also recommend against it. Consuming so many calories isn’t healthy, they say; plus choking and damaging the stomach by overfilling it are risks.

  THAT WAS DELICIOUS! WHAT’S NEXT?

  Food-eating records range from some delicious foods to some truly questionable choices. Ukrainian gurgitator Oleg Zhornitskiy once ate 128 ounces of mayonnaise in eight minutes. Don Lerman indulged in seven quarter-pound sticks of butter; he also ate 120 jalapeño peppers in 15 minutes and seven pounds of cow brains (in a different contest, which he didn’t win). Yum.

  THE TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE AWARD

  Diet Scams

  If you’re ready to lose weight, put down that brownie and

  hit the gym. But if you’re ready to lose weight while eating

  everything you want and not exercising at all, read on.

  FAT AND PROUD OF IT

  In 1866, the Fat Man’s Club of Connecticut was formed for tubby guys to show off. If you could afford to gain weight, you must be doing something right. But by 1903, the club had to close. In just 37 years, American eating habits had changed so much that weight gain was no longer seen as a status symbol of the wealthy. That opened the door for the diet scam industry to gain prominence in the nation.

  THIS DIET IS KILLING ME

  A rush on diet products ensued at the turn of the century, and pills were particularly popular. Pills promising rapid weight loss hit the market, and even though they were largely viewed as “snake-oil” treatments, they were popular with overweight Americans for decades. It was easier to market fad pills and drinks in the early part of the 20th century because there was no effective Food and Drug Administration oversight until 1930. Prior to that, there was an agency that would become the FDA (it had been established by Theodore Roosevelt in 1906), but it was severely hampered by poorly written laws.

  In the 1930s, dinitrophenol—previously used to make dyes and explosives, and also an ingredient in weed killers—was introduced in pill form as a diet aid. Approximately 100,000 people tried it out. So many deaths and injuries were attributed to the drug that it was banned in 1933 by the FDA. Even so, the drug found a home on the black market—particularly in image-conscious Los Angeles—despite the fact that it had been linked to blindness, cataracts, nerve damage, heart disease, and death.

  THE WORM TURNS

  Probably the most famous rumor associated with diet pills is that they had tapeworms inside them. It especially gained popularity in the 1950s, but there is no evidence that tapeworms were used in a pill available then. However, there is some evidence that between 1900 and 1920, tapeworms were included in diet pills and that those early ads resurfaced in the 1950s, giving credence to the rumor. (Web sites that debunk rumors also note that verifying whether or not tapeworms were actually included in these early pills is still difficult because ads for early medical miracle cures often contained false claims.)

  THE SKINNY

  In America alone, 50 million people go on a diet every year. More than 15 percent of those people—about 8 million—try to do it in a structured program with supervision. The only real solution is simple: eat fewer calories, exercise more, and lose weight. Nevertheless, if someone offers a way to avoid a sacrifice that dieters don’t want to make, people have a tendency to believe less-than-logical explanations. As one person said, “I think it’s enticing. It’s the microwave effect—you want to have instant results.” And it’s just that attitude that fuels the diet industry, which rakes in about $40 billion per year from Americans alone.

  THE SCAMS

  The following are typical diet scams:

  • Calorie-burning or metabolism-boosting pills: The pills typically contain herbal ingredients, which are not regulated by the FDA. They claim to speed up your metabolism so that you burn fat faster, but doctors say they may increase your chances for a heart attack because the pills often raise blood pressure.

  • Carbohydrate- and fat-blocking pills: These pills interfere with the body’s ability to process important nutrients, and bloating, gas, and diarrhea are all side effects.

  • Herbal weight-loss teas: Caffeine is a main ingredient in many teas, not just weight-loss teas, and it is a diuretic. Losing water may result in a temporary weight loss, but it is not the same as losing fat.

  • Diet patch: While patches have helped people quit smoking, no effective weight-loss drugs can be delivered through the skin.

  STAYING SCAM-FREE

  The Federal Trade Commission monitors weight-loss scams and false claims. Its Web site lists several warning signs of diet scams:

  1. Claims of losing two or more pounds per week.

  2. Products that promise you can eat whatever you want and still lose weight.

  3. Permanent weight loss.

  4. The ability to block fat or calorie absorption.

  5. Weight loss of more than three pounds a week for more than four weeks in a row.

  6. Claims that the product works the same for everyone.

  7. Creams, patches, wraps, earrings, and things to be worn or applied to the body to lose weight.

  Despite this, ads for weight-loss scams regularly appear on TV and in magazines, with most promising at least one of these results. Let’s back up a second here. Weight-loss earrings? Say that again?

  It’s true. Companies sell magnetic earrings that supposedly work on pressure points around the ear to stimulate weight loss. Eyeglasses and other products that hang on the ear are also available. Not surprisingly, no measurable weight-loss results have ever been recorded from these in any scientific tests.

  Thousands of years ago, our ancestors ate a very different diet. Grains, fruits, vegetables, and meats, for the most part, along with nuts and other legumes, were the norm. They didn’t need to be put on a diet. But if someone had tried to sell them magnetic earrings . . . well, they probably might have fallen for it, too.

  THE THREE LITTLE PIGS AWARD, #1

  South Dakota’s Corn Palace

  The buildings of Frank Gehry and Frank Lloyd Wright

  shouldn’t get all the glory, so Uncle John has singled out

  three unique buildings for recognition. Here’s

  the first one. A-maize-ing!

  IF YOU BUILD IT, THEY WILL COME

  The town fathers of Mitchell, South Dakota, wanted to showcase the agricultural richness of their region to attract more settlers.
Their idea: “corn palace”—a large building decorated with corn and other locally grown grains. The Corn Palace has succeeded in bringing tourists to South Dakota—as many as half a million annually—but there aren’t any statistics on how many people stayed because of the building’s grainy glory.

  The original Palace was built in 1892, but it took two more attempts to get the right-sized structure. The third and current building was built in 1921 and is located right on Main Street. The actual structure isn’t made of corn; its foundation and walls are reinforced concrete. In the 1930s, architects added back the Moorish-inspired minarets and columns of the early palaces, making the whole thing look like something out of The Arabian Nights. Every June the corn, rye, and dock are torn off and the walls redecorated with locally grown corn. And it’s those fresh corn murals that draw the crowds.

  GETTING GRAIN-ULAR

  Farmers in Mitchell grow tons of maize every year, and the crop, often called “Prairie Gold,” rules the town. The local radio station’s call letters are KORN, and the town’s high-school team is the Kernels. And plus, the locals are so serious about their corny Palace that they’ve failed to decorate it only twice in 116 years:

  • In 1943, when building materials like nails were needed for the war effort.

  • In 2006, when a drought decimated the crops. The citizens of Mitchell decided to leave the 2006 murals and decorations up through 2007, but after awhile, the effects of wind, sun, moisture, and critters had the Corn Palace looking faded and fragmented. Fortunately, the 2007 crop was normal, meaning a new 2008 set of ear-tastic art could be created.