Uncle John's Bathroom Reader Golden Plunger Awards Read online

  CORN-BY-NUMBERS ART

  The 2008 Corn Palace mural designer, Cherie Ramsdell, an Assistant Professor of Art at Dakota Wesleyan University, has been choosing themes and sketching “corn by numbers” art since 2003. Themes have included “Everyday Heroes,” “Lewis and Clark,” “Youth in Action,” “South Dakota Birds,” and “Space Exploration.”

  Once the murals’ sketches are done, transferred to tar paper, and tacked to the concrete, construction begins. The initial design work starts in the spring, and installation begins in the summer. Common colors or shades of corn used in the designs: red, brown, black, blue, white, orange, calico, yellow, and even green. The assembly is a precision job: each corncob is carefully sliced in half with a power saw, the two halves are trimmed with hand axes as necessary for detail work, and finally, they are nailed in place.

  IT’S FOR THE BIRDS

  While corn is king, other grains are also used: wheat, rye, and sorghum. All this material doesn’t come cheap: it costs $130,000 each year for the thousands of bushels of grain and 100,000 corncobs. But the decoration costs are made back during August’s Corn Palace Week, which celebrates the end of the harvest. Once Corn Palace Week is over, local fauna are allowed to feast on the building, giving the Corn Palace the unusual designation of being the world’s largest birdfeeder.

  The other Three Little Pigs Awards can be found on pages 52 and 208.

  THE OLDEST TRICK IN THE BOOK AWARD

  The Nigerian Scam

  Well known as the bane of e-mail users everywhere, the old “Nigerian

  trick” has actually been scamming people long before the Internet

  age. This award is your warning to beware of this con.

  PSST!

  You know the con—here’s how it goes: Someone is in trouble, usually in Nigeria, hence the name, but other countries are also used. The person, allegedly a wealthy refugee, is blindly contacting someone outside the country to ask for help. The subject line of his e-mail usually reads something like “Urgent Business Transaction.” The writer is very polite, but he sounds desperate. He has a lot of money, though it’s tied up in a bank. The authorities are after him—sometimes because of a political uprising in his home country; other times because of the actions of a dictator—so he must be discreet. If you will only help, through a kind donation, you will receive a large sum of money for your trouble as soon as he’s free. Just send a few thousand dollars, and later, you’ll be rewarded with much more.

  HEY, SUCKER!

  For many, the Nigerian scam sounds too good to pass up. Some people lose a few hundred dollars, but some fall hard. Victims have been lured to Nigeria or elsewhere to collect their imaginary winnings and have wound up in lots of trouble. The U.S. State Department has issued warnings about people who travel to meet the people behind the e-mails and end up “beaten, subjected to threats and extortion, and in some cases murdered.” This crime is serious business.

  BEWARE THE SPANISH PRISONER

  The Nigerian scam has been around for decades—before e-mail, it was perpetrated through letters. But it seems to be based on an even older con: the Spanish Prisoner. This scheme involves a poor soul who’s been imprisoned in Spain. But, as luck would have it, the prisoner is wealthy. He just can’t access his money to extricate himself from his dilemma. If you could help out by loaning him some of your money, once he gets out of prison, you’ll be rewarded for your efforts.

  The Spanish Prisoner typically targeted wealthy businessmen who were conned into paying for one expensive escape attempt after another until they ran out of money or started asking too many questions.

  WHO DEALS WITH IT?

  According to the FBI’s Internet Crime Complaint Center (IC3), the average amount of money lost in 2006 by someone falling for the Nigerian scam was $5,100. The number of people who actually respond to the Nigerian scam e-mail is estimated to be about 1 percent—about half the response rate for the average direct-mail piece. Although 1 percent sounds small, if you multiply that by the millions of e-mails sent out, it comes to a lot of money.

  If you report a Nigerian scam to the FBI, you’ll be referred to the Secret Service. Established in 1865 to deal with counterfeiting, the Secret Service protects a lot of America’s financial interests, in addition to protecting the president.

  According to scambusters.org, the Secret Service fields about 100 calls and from 300 to 500 letters daily from victims or potential victims of the Nigerian e-mail con, which is also called a “419” plan (because that’s the number of the Nigerian penal code that covers such fraud).

  One of the provisions of the Patriot Act, passed in 2001, ordered the Secret Service to create “a nationwide network of Electronic Crimes Task Forces.” A local Secret Service office will handle the case, but these crimes are notoriously difficult to solve. First, the authorities have to find the perpetrator and then transport him to the victim’s country for prosecution. (The U.S. government can’t prosecute people that are out of its jurisdiction.)

  In an effort to help, Nigeria established the Economic and Financial Crimes Commission (EFCC) in 2003 to combat the problem and to improve its country’s image in the global community. In 2006, the EFCC announced that it would start punishing Internet service providers in Nigeria if they helped the scammers complete their cons. The penalty for not taking proper security measures: up to 20 years in prison.

  Still, some scammers find a way to circumspect the laws. Con artists have been able to target people who have contacted the EFCC to report being scammed. Posing as EFCC representatives, they have been able to get personal information out of past victims and use that to access bank accounts. So the scamming continues.

  Nigerians would love to put this scandal and its name behind them. But until then, beware the e-mail that begs for help and promises huge rewards in return.

  I’LL DRINK TO THAT AWARD

  • Oldest brewery in the world: The Weihenstephan Brewery in Freising, Germany, founded in 1040.

  • Highest alcohol content: Between 1918 and 1940, the Estonian Liquor Monopoly made a potato-based alcohol that was 196 proof, or 98 percent alcohol.

  • Highest alcohol content (beer): The Vetter Brauhaus in Heidelberg, Germany, makes a beer that is 33 percent alcohol. Most beer is usually about 8 percent.

  • Highest alcohol content (person): An unconscious Latvian man was picked up by the authorities in 2003 with a blood alcohol level of 0.7%. The average person would stop breathing at 0.4%.

  • Most expensive wine ever sold: A bottle of 1787 Château Lafite sold at Christie’s in December 1985 for $160,000.

  • Biggest drinker: A Dutch man known only as Vanhorn drank four bottles of port every day from 1888 until his death in 1911. That amounts to nearly 34,000 bottles of fortified wine.

  THE GOOD GUY AWARD

  Superman

  Sure . . . he can fly, leap tall buildings in a single bound, and lift cars

  over his head, but when it comes right down to it, Superman’s

  just a regular guy—with a dash of super-humanity

  thrown in for good measure.

  NOT JUST ONE OF THE GUYS

  Superman is probably the world’s most famous superhero. He’s endeared himself to fans and become an important part of the American culture. He’s classically “good,” choosing to help people, even though he could do or have anything he wants. He’s not influenced by money or corruption and he intervenes only to right wrongs. Superman also maintains a strict code of conduct: no killing, no matter what. He puts the world’s needs ahead of his own, and he never lies.

  Superman’s costume is not his cape and uniform—those are actually his “real” clothes, sewn from the blankets he was wrapped in inside the rocket ship that brought him to Earth. He disguises himself as the mild-mannered Clark Kent. Even though most superheroes put on a mask to disguise their identities, Superman puts on a business suit and glasses and becomes human.

  BIG BLUE BOY SCOUT

  His disg
uise is just one way Superman doesn’t match his super-peers. His powers also set him apart. Most superheroes gained their powers through accidents, struggles, or medical experiments:

  • Batman trained both his body and mind to become the world’s greatest athlete and detective.

  • Captain America endured medical experiments to become strong.

  • Wonder Woman won a contest against her fellow Amazons.

  • The Hulk got zapped by gamma rays.

  • Spider-Man got bitten by a radioactive spider.

  But not Superman. He got his powers by doing absolutely nothing. And that’s a “gift” not appreciated by some of his fellow superheroes—who have been known to mock him by calling him the “big blue Boy Scout.”

  A REAL MENSCH

  Superman was the brainchild of Jerry Seigel and Joe Shuster, who were both living in Ohio during the Great Depression. Seigel, the writer, and Shuster, the artist, spent years creating the character and several more trying to convince someone to publish their story. They contacted several publishers as early as 1932, but it wasn’t until Detective Comics, Inc., saw potential in the story and published it in June 1938 that Superman found a home. (A pristine copy of that comic book would sell today for more than $1 million.)

  Seigel and Shuster played off various religious motifs in their creation of Superman. His birth name was Kal-El—“El” in Yiddish means “God.” Like Moses, little Kal-El was sent off to be raised by others to fulfill a destiny. The concept of the “super man” was also inspired by Friedrich Nietzsche’s “übermensch” from his book Thus Spoke Zarathustra. Early on, Seigel and Shuster’s superhero had tremendous mental abilities like the übermensch, who transcended the laws of humanity to achieve a higher mental state. Later, they settled on a muscle-bound, colorful hero who ultimately didn’t share many characteristics with Nietzsche’s superman, who didn’t follow society’s definition of morality but set it for himself. Superman, on the other hand, follows society’s (specifically, American society’s) definitions almost universally.

  Seigel and Shuster developed Superman’s powers slowly. First, he merely leaped tall buildings. Later, he flew over them. Super speed, X-ray and heat vision, super breath, super ventriloquism, and the ability to travel through time were added over the years. As his legend grew, so did Superman’s abilities.

  THE AMERICAN WAY

  Few heroes, real or fictional, embody the American dream the way Superman does. Like the immigrants of old, Superman arrived in the United States with nothing but was able to succeed both as mild-mannered reporter Clark Kent and as the Man of Steel. His abilities come naturally to him, but Superman does have three vulnerabilities: kryptonite, magic, and a red sun. When exposed to one of his vulnerabilities, Superman loses his superpowers and becomes just a mortal man.

  Most of the time, though, Superman has few fears and he always approaches problems with a determination to do what’s right. The essence of Superman is not in his bravery—which he has, to be sure—but in his altruism. The ability to look good in tights doesn’t hurt either.

  A BRIEF HISTORY OF KRYPTONITE

  Kryptonite first appeared in Superman #61, dated December 1949, more than a decade after the hero’s debut. The kryptonite was red, not green. Superman, with no idea what the substance was, took a quick trip through time and space to learn of its origins—and his own. After this, normal kryptonite was colored the traditional green.

  But other kinds of kryptonite, with various effects on Superman and other beings, were introduced in almost every color of the rainbow. Red kryptonite had unpredictable effects on Superman, often turning him into a monster; gold kryptonite permanently removed any Kryptonian superpowers; blue kryptonite was harmful only to the Bizarro version of Superman; and white kryptonite killed plant life. Other forms of kryptonite came in silver, yellow, black, purple, jewel, and even pink. (With the power to turn Kryptonians gay, pink kryptonite appeared once in a 2003 issue of Supergirl as a joke and was never mentioned again.)

  Then there were the synthetic kinds and assorted others: anti-kryptonite (deadly to humans), X-kryptonite, kryptonite X (yes, those last two are different), mango-kryptonite, and slow kryptonite.

  THE CHEESEY DOES IT AWARD

  Cheez Whiz

  The next time you’re doing the wash, grab the detergent,

  the fabric softener, and the Cheez Whiz if you want

  to get out those really tough stains.

  DUE PROCESS

  In Clean Your Clothes with Cheez Whiz, Joey Green revealed alternative uses for a variety of household products, like toothpaste and shaving cream. One of the oddest discoveries was that Cheez Whiz was great at getting out grease stains in clothes.

  Cheez Whiz’s laundry power comes from its enzymes, which can’t gobble up enough grease. Dab some of the spread on a grease-based stain and let it sit for 10 minutes. Then throw the laundry in the washing machine. Enjoy some crackers and Cheez Whiz while you wait for the wash to be done.

  HOME ON THE PHILLY

  The Philadelphia cheesesteak was invented in 1930 in South Philadelphia, so Cheez Whiz, which didn’t make it to market until 1952, couldn’t have been part of the original recipe. No matter. Many tried and true Philly cheesesteak lovers swear by it now and consider Cheez Whiz to be the authentic cheesesteak cheese.

  Make that three authentic cheeses. No matter what you’ve heard, there is real cheese in Cheez Whiz: mozzarella, Swiss, and cheddar. Kraft, the maker of Cheez Whiz, combines those cheeses with water and milk products and adds preservatives, emulsifiers, and other additives to make the Whiz nice and yellow and spreadable at room temperature.

  Originally created as a topping for crackers, Cheez Whiz soon found a home in lots of foods: in macaroni and cheese, on hot dogs and nachos, and in dips and sauces. With this much history, it’s no wonder Cheez Whiz stands out. It started as a by-product of the 1950s’ push to market ease and convenience to housewives across America. Now, though, it’s an American food icon. Spread the word.

  THE FATHER OF INVENTION

  Sadly, on June 5, 2007, the inventor of Cheez Whiz passed away. Edwin Traisman lived a long, robust life, though—he was 91. A Chicago native, he earned a degree in chemistry from the University of Illinois in 1936 and worked for Kraft Foods from 1949 to 1957. It was his food science skills that combined all the right things to make Cheez Whiz—a spreadable processed cheese and a counterpart to Kraft’s nonspreadable processed cheese, Velveeta.

  Cheez Whiz wasn’t Traisman’s only contribution to America’s popular dining habits. After he left Kraft, Traisman bought into the McDonald’s franchise, eventually owning four stores. His food science expertise came into play when McDonald’s founder Ray Kroc needed a way to keep all the potatoes used for French fries fresh, so he could have a consistent brand at all his stores. Traisman was up to the challenge. He came up with a flash-cooking process: one minute or so at 300°F to get rid of the potatoes’ moisture and then freeze them. The uniform frozen French fry was born.

  THE ORIGIN OF ANOTHER CHEESEY PRODUCT

  Kraft first marketed Velveeta in 1927. Its main ingredient is whey, a liquid by-product of cheese making (it’s the liquid left over when milk hardens to cheese). Cheese manufacturers used to just throw it away, but now it’s made into Velveeta, which is officially labeled by the Food and Drug Administration as a “pasteurized processed cheese product.” That means it’s a cheeselike thing that tastes like cheese but is actually made up of less than 50 percent cheese. Kraft says Velveeta gets its unique flavor from the whey left over from making cheddar, colby, and Swiss cheeses. It gets its unique spongy texture from an added stabilizing agent called carrageenin —a derivative of Irish moss.

  THE STAND AND DELIVER AWARD

  Richard Pryor

  This legendary performer changed the world of stand-up forever

  and raised the bar for what comedy could be.

  REMEMBERED When asked about their most profound influences, countless comed
ic greats—from Sam Kinison to Dave Chappelle—have answered without hesitation: Richard Pryor.

  “Richard Pryor is to comedy what Gretzky is to hockey, what Ali is to boxing. He is the Beatles of comedy.”

  —Paul Rodriguez

  “To fully appreciate the power of Richard Pryor as a stand-up comedian, you had to follow him at the Comedy Store. I did once, and I’m lucky to be alive.”

  —David Letterman

  “Richard Pryor is an alchemist who can turn the darkest pain into the deepest comedy. [He] doesn’t go for the jugular—he goes straight for the aorta.”

  —Robin Williams

  Pryor introduced a new style of comedy that gave people of all races permission to laugh at themselves and at each other. Though often controversial, vulgar, and brash, his performances empowered other comedians and actors to look inside, to find truth in their art, and to embrace what comes naturally—being honest and being themselves.

  A ROCKY ROAD TO STARDOM

  Richard Franklin Lennox Thomas Pryor III was born in Peoria,

  Illinois, on December 1, 1940. After his mother deserted him when he was 10, Pryor was raised by his grandmother, Madam Marie Carter, in her brothel. His early childhood was a test of emotional endurance, characterized by sexual assault, poverty, and a desperate determination to rise above it all. Expelled from school at age 14, Pryor earned a living by working various odd jobs before joining the army in 1958. Two years later, he was discharged for assaulting another G.I.