Uncle John's Bathroom Reader Golden Plunger Awards Read online

  Table of Contents

  Title Page

  Acknowledgments

  Introduction

  THE GURGITATOR AWARD

  THE REIGNING QUEEN

  THE STAKES (AND STEAKS) GET BIGGER

  THAT WAS DELICIOUS! WHAT’S NEXT?

  THE TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE AWARD

  THIS DIET IS KILLING ME

  THE WORM TURNS

  THE SKINNY

  THE SCAMS

  STAYING SCAM-FREE

  THE THREE LITTLE PIGS AWARD, #1

  GETTING GRAIN-ULAR

  CORN-BY-NUMBERS ART

  IT’S FOR THE BIRDS

  THE OLDEST TRICK IN THE BOOK AWARD

  HEY, SUCKER!

  BEWARE THE SPANISH PRISONER

  WHO DEALS WITH IT?

  THE GOOD GUY AWARD

  BIG BLUE BOY SCOUT

  A REAL MENSCH

  THE AMERICAN WAY

  THE CHEESEY DOES IT AWARD

  HOME ON THE PHILLY

  THE FATHER OF INVENTION

  THE STAND AND DELIVER AWARD

  A ROCKY ROAD TO STARDOM

  THAT’S ENTERTAINMENT

  DIAMOND IN THE ROUGH

  ROUGH STUFF

  THE MORE THE MERRIER

  A LIFE WORTH LIVING

  THE LET YOUR FINGERS DO THE TALKING AWARD

  DIGITUS INFAMIS

  TALK TO THE HAND

  FLICKING THE “V”

  THE YELLOW TIDE AWARD

  THE TRAVELING TOYS

  DRIFTING AWAY

  SEPARATE WAYS

  THE SOLDIER OF FASHION AWARD

  BUTTONED UP

  SEA CHANGE

  IN THE TRENCHES

  BLENDING IN TO STAND OUT

  THE CLASSIC RIVALRY AWARD

  THE LINEUP

  TIME-OUT

  A GOAT AND A MULE WALK INTO A STADIUM . . .

  INSTANT REPLAY

  SUCCESS STORIES

  THE LET THE CHIPS FALL WHERE THEY MAY AWARD

  THE BATTER THICKENS

  NOT EXACTLY HOW THE COOKIE CRUMBLES

  CHIPS OFF THE OLD BLOCK

  SOME MORSELS OF INFORMATION

  BIGGEST COOKIE EVER

  THE GLOBAL WARMING SOLUTION AWARD

  CARS ON CURRENTS

  SLEEKER STYLING

  PRIME PERFORMANCE

  TESLA OR “TOM”?

  THE LI’L SPEED RACER AWARD

  ROUND AND ROUND

  MEET THE COMPETITION

  THE FINISH LINE

  QUITE A COLLECTION

  THE MR. LONELY AWARD

  SMOKE OF A DISTANT FIRE

  BIRD’S-EYE VIEW

  THE BEAT GOES UP

  SIGHT LINES

  THE UNSOLVED MYSTERY AWARD

  FASTEN YOUR SEAT BELTS

  THE GREAT ESCAPE

  GOING ON A MANHUNT

  DID HE DO IT?

  GONE BUT NOT FORGOTTEN

  TRIVIA

  THE “HE WROTE THAT?” AWARD

  TWO BITS OF OSCAR TRIVIA

  THE THREE LITTLE PIGS AWARD, #2

  FULLY BOOKED

  DRIVING ON WATER

  THE DON’T CALL IT A COMEBACK AWARD

  GETTING REACQUAINTED

  FREE AT LAST!

  CRYING WOLF

  THE FAMOUS FOR 3 WORDS AWARD

  A POWERFUL STATEMENT

  THE TEAM BEHIND THE FLUFFY BUN

  A STAR IS BORN

  THE “VIDEO MADE THE RADIO STAR” AWARD

  IF AT FIRST YOU DON’T SUCCEED . . .

  REANIMATING A HIT

  LOVE BITES

  THE TAKE ON “TAKE ON ME”

  THE FINAL CHAPTER

  THE TANGLED UP IN BLUE AWARD

  FOREVER IN BLUE JEANS

  DENIM COUTURE

  DISTRESSING THE ENVIRONMENT

  FAVORITE FABRIC

  THE STATE OF THE ART AWARD

  A PROLIFIC PAIRING

  GATED COMMUNITY

  THE SNACK ATTACK AWARD

  YE OLDE CORN

  MOVIE BUTTER

  SMART POP

  NUKE IT!

  KERNELS OF FUN

  THE COMING SOON AWARD

  DON’T GO IN THE WATER!

  PLAYING ON YOUR FEARS

  MEET SOMEONE ON THE EDGE

  MASTERS OF HYPE

  KEEP IT SIMPLE

  THE PERSONAL ASSISTANT AWARD

  JACK OF ALL TRADES

  JACK TO THE RESCUE

  TATTLETALE

  KNOWING JACK

  THE JULIA WILD CHILD AWARD

  BEYOND ANT FARMS

  HAVE ANOTHER APHID, MY DEAR

  DOWN THE HATCH

  THE BURIED TREASURE AWARD

  SIGNED, SEALED, DELIVERED

  NO STASH IN THE CACHE

  TRACKABLE TREASURES

  COLLABORATE AND NAVIGATE

  HIGH-TECH HUNTING

  THE NUTS TO YOU AWARD

  WHITEST WHITES

  SQUIRRELFESTS

  BACK IN BLACK

  THE JOLLY GREEN GIANT AWARD

  THE GREENEST GOODBYE

  LAWN CARE

  WITH YOU FOREVER

  THE WORMIEST TOWN AWARD

  THAR’S GOLD IN THEM THAR WORMS

  THE WORMS CRAWL IN, THE WORMS CRAWL OUT

  GLOBAL WORMING

  THE FARMER TAKES A WORM

  THE MIRACLE CURE AWARDS

  GET UP! STAND UP!

  WHAT ARE YOU LAUGHING AT?

  WOOF! PURR . . .

  THE SULTRY VOICE AWARD

  TO HAVE AND HAVE MORE

  BACALL OF THE WILD

  THE PLAY’S THE THING

  SMALL TALK

  THESE KIDS TODAY

  LIVING LEGEND

  THE WAY WE WERE AWARD

  THE CLOCK IS CUCKOO AWARD

  BLAME BEN

  A MODEST PROPOSAL

  ENERGY SAVING TIME?

  PROS AND CONS

  THE VIDEO GAME “GATEWAY DRUG” AWARD

  HELP!

  THE NEXT GENERATION

  OUR HERO

  THE LOST IN SPACE AWARD

  REACHING A TARGET AUDIENCE

  IS ANYBODY OUT THERE?

  THE LOST TREASURE AWARD

  BIGGER THAN A BREADBOX

  (NOT) PRESERVED IN AMBER

  ROOM ON THE RUN

  FOUND ART?

  AMBER ROOM REDUX

  THE JOLLY GREEN GIANT AWARD

  YOU ARE WHAT YOU POST

  WATER, WATER NOWHERE

  THE FASHION ON A ROLL AWARD

  THE BRIDE WORE TWO-PLY

  TYING THE KNOT

  STUCK ON YOU

  BAG LADIES

  BRIDEZILLA BONANZA

  THE THINK OUTSIDE THE BOTTLE AWARD

  PRETTY IN PINK

  THEY’LL ALWAYS HAVE PARIS

  NOT-SO-SNOOTY “FLOOT”

  TINY BUBBLES, TINY RATINGS

  THE BELLS AND WHISTLES AWARD

  SERVINGS PER CUP

  HAVE A SIP

  CUPS THAT DON’T RUNNETH OVER

  THE “NICE TEAMWORK, GUYS” AWARD

  LIFTOFF

  WHAT IT TOOK

  CALL THE LANDLORD FOR REPAIRS

  THE SCI-FI IN 2-D AWARD

  AN ENGROSSING EDUCATION

  MORE THAN JUST A PRETTY (STRANGE) PICTURE

  THE ARTIST’S WAY

  R-E-S-P-E-C-T

  DOING IT HIS WAY

  THE MAKING FACES AWARD

  IDENTITY THEFT

  PUTTING IT TOGETHER

  MATH MAKES THE DIFFERENCE

  PUTTING A HUMAN FACE ON THE PAST

  THE TRADING FACES AW
ARD

  CAT WOMAN

  AMERICAN IDOLS

  THE “NOW THAT’S UGLY” AWARD

  SAM

  TATORTOT

  ARCHIE

  ELWOOD

  THE STINKY CHEESE AWARD

  NOTES OF GARLIC AND UNWASHED FEET

  RUNNY AND ROYAL

  ANOTHER OLFACTORY ASSAULT

  GREEN BAY STATE’S STINKY SANDWICH

  THE DARK AND STORMY NIGHT AWARD

  WHO WRITES SHORT SHORTS?

  SHORTEST, SHORTER, SHORT

  SCREEN GEMS

  FLASH FORWARD

  THE “SECOND BANANA” AWARD

  DUELING DUET

  TOWERING VIOLET

  BEHIND THE SCENES

  EXTRAS

  THE CLASS IN A GLASS AWARD

  A DRINK WITH SOMETHING IN IT

  ABOUT THAT VERMOUTH

  IT’S A GIN THING

  THE SILVER BULLET

  IN A PICKLE

  THE TIMELESS FASHION AWARD

  MOURNING WEAR

  COCO CHANEL’S REVOLUTION

  A SHOCKING SHIFT

  THROUGH THE DECADES

  STRIKE A POSE

  THE BE HAIR NOW AWARD

  LOCK LIKE AN EGYPTIAN

  MYTH-CONCEPTIONS

  KNOT A PROBLEM

  THE TEENAGER OF THE YEAR AWARD

  A CONDO MADE OF STONE

  UNEARTHED

  REVELATION

  THE TROJAN HORSE AWARD

  GIVE ME A SCOOP OF UMLAUT

  KEEPING COUNT

  THE LOST TREASURE AWARD

  A ROCKY RELATIONSHIP

  THE ICE MAN COMETH AWARD

  THE HUMAN POLAR BEAR

  A SWIMMING STUDY

  DIVING INTO CLIMATE CHANGE

  THE BRAVE NEW WORLD AWARD

  TRUE-BLUE GENES

  VOLCANO IN A GOLD MINE

  THE HUMAN LEAGUE

  THE LOST AND FOUN D AWARD

  THE BIG EASY

  CULTURE SHOCK

  DUNCE CAPPER

  MOMMIE DEAREST?

  THE I SPY AWARD

  A LEG UP

  THE ONE-LEGGED PERSPECTIVE

  BIRTH OF A TRAITOR

  ESCAPE

  THE PRODUCT PLACEMENT AWARD

  ADVERTISING, TO THE FORE

  BELLY BASICS

  A SHOT IN THE ARM

  OH, BABY

  THE HIDE AND SEEK AWARD

  INCREDIBLE EVOLVING EGGS

  ON THE HUNT

  THE LANGUAGE POLICE AWARD

  BEG THE QUESTION

  DECIMATE

  COULD CARE LESS

  CARD SHARP

  SPIT AND IMAGE

  IRONIC

  THE TOP OF THE WORLD AWARD

  SWITCHING GEARS

  NEXT YEAR’S MODEL

  BAIT AND SWITCH

  GRAND BY DESIGN

  PUTTING ON THE BRAKES

  THE FAVORITE FLAVOR AWARD

  ALL WORK AND NO PLAY

  THANKS, MADAGASCAR AND TAHITI!

  THE FLAVOR OF LIFE

  THE ACT II AWARD

  THE RIST FACTOR: OLIVER FROM THE BRADY BUNCH

  LOOKS + TALENT + BRAINS = A WINNIE COMBINATION: WINNIE FROM THE WONDER YEARS

  GROWING WORRIES: BEN FROM GROWING PAINS

  THE CLASSIC COVER AWARD

  WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM MY FRIENDS

  FIXING A HOLE

  WHO’S WHO ON THE COVER

  THE THREE LITTLE PIGS AWARD, #3

  COLD HANDS, WARM ART

  THE FROZEN CHOSEN

  THE COLD, HARD TRUTH

  THE FIRST AMENDMENT AWARD

  ARE YOU A GOOD WITCH OR A BAD WITCH?

  COMPASSIONATE CAMOUFLAGE

  FREEDOM IN DEATH

  RECOGNITION

  THE HENRY DAVID THOREAU AWARD

  BURN BABY BURN

  AND THEY’RE OFF

  THE IT’S EASY BEING GREEN AWARD

  LET THERE BE LIGHT

  OUT WITH THE OLD

  RATTLE AND HUM

  GO GREEN

  THE PAPER CHASE AWARD

  CONFETTI BY ANY OTHER NAME

  THE PAPER TRAIL

  GREEN GIANTS

  FROM GREEN TO CLEAN

  TICKER TAPE TRIVIA

  THE POP, POP, FIZZ, FIZZ AWARD

  EGG CREAM OF THE CROP

  THE PAUSE THAT REFRESHES

  DRINK UP

  THE MISSED MANNERS AWARD

  SEAT-SIDE RINGS

  BRIDAL BESTS

  HATS ON OR OFF?

  THE SANDWICH MAKER AWARD

  OLD, BUT NOT SPOILED

  AMERICAN FLAIR

  IT’S ALL IN THE WHISK

  MAYONN-AIZING FACTS

  THE WORLD’S LONGEST STORY AWARD

  GOOD OL’ CHARLIE BROWN

  THE PEANUTS GALLERY

  THE DOCTOR IS IN

  THE RED BARON

  GOOD GRIEF

  THE TROJAN HORSE AWARD

  “SHINY HAPPY PEOPLE” BY R.E.M.

  “THE ONE I LOVE” BY R.E.M.

  “EVERY BREATH YOU TAKE” BY THE POLICE

  “WHAT’S THE FREQUENCY, KENNETH?” BY R.E.M.

  “IN THE AIR TONIGHT” BY PHIL COLLINS

  “WONDERFUL TONIGHT” BY ERIC CLAPTON

  “MARTHA MY DEAR” BY THE BEATLES

  THE “IT TAKES TWO” AWARD

  PARIS IS BURNING

  THE GOLDEN AGE

  THE BASIC STEPS

  THE SHOE-BIZ AWARD

  CROCS CRAWL OUT OF THE WATER

  LOVE IS A MANY JIBBITZED THING

  CROC CONTEMPT

  CROCOPHILES

  TWO TRENDSETTING UGLY SHOES

  THE BRIGHT STAR AWARD

  MISS GOLDEN DREAMS

  MORE THAN JUST A BOMBSHELL

  “BYE, BYE MISS AMERICAN PIE”

  THE FUN IN A CAN AWARD

  A LOT OF DOH

  SECRET RECIPE

  PLAY-DOH FACTS

  THE “THAT’S THE WAY THE BALL BOUNCES” AWARD

  AH, THE CURSE

  BATTER UP

  TWO CURSES IN ONE

  AN UNFORTUNATE PREDICTION

  THINGS GET OUT OF HAND

  THE WISH YOU WEREN’T HERE AWARD

  NOW YOU SEE IT

  NEW TRICKS

  STOPPING THE POP

  THE GANDER AWARD

  TOO SEXY FOR YOUR SKIRT

  MIDDLESEX

  WHAT’S NEXT, GUYS? “MAN-TY HOSE?”

  THE PLAIN AND SIMPLE AWARD

  A PATENT GRANT-ED

  TEE’D OFF

  TEE TIME

  THE MEDIEVAL MEDICINE AWARD

  FLY BY NIGHT

  THAT TICKLES!

  LEECH PATROL

  MEDICAL LEECH DISTRIBUTOR?

  BLOOD TIES

  THE “IT’S NOT EASY BEING GREEN” AWARD

  THE GOOD AND . . . THE BAD?

  HEY! NO WAY!

  WHAT TO DO?

  THE JOHNNY WEISMULLER AWARD

  IN THE SWIM

  CRYSTAL-CLEAR HISTORY

  THE “MAKE MY DECADE” AWARD

  GOT ANY BREAD, MAN?

  BEST OF THE BEST

  LEAVE THE GUN

  THE FORCE IS STILL WITH US

  THE LOCAL GRUB AWARD

  HANGTOWN FRY

  COFFEE MILK

  BOILED PEANUTS

  LOBSTER ROLLS

  LUTEFISK

  HORSESHOE SANDWICH

  CINCINNATI-STYLE CHILI

  TURDUCKEN

  THE POGO FOR PRESIDENT AWARD

  PLAYING POSSUM

  SWAMP SPEAK

  POSSUM-BILITIES

  A LOT OF MALARKEY

  THE GOAT BUSTERS AWARD

  GOATBUSTERS

  LET THE GAME BEGIN

  FOXY CHAMPIONS

  THE “DON’T MESS WITH ME” AWARD

  THE DOCTOR IS IN

  WAR!

  MEDALS SCHMEDALS

  THE “AS SEEN ON TV” AWARD

  THE BIRTH OF THE TH
IGHMASTER

  THREE’S COMPANY

  THE SMALL WONDERS AWARD

  THE BIBLE ON THE HEAD OF A PIN

  DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE

  SMALL STEPS

  THE NOVEL APPROACH AWARD

  COMICS GET REAL

  THE PLOT THICKENS

  THE STORY

  SUPERHEROES IN THE REAL WORLD

  BATTLE OF THE SUPERPOWERS

  COMIC OR SOMETHING MORE?

  THE BIG BROTHER AWARD

  NEW CHIPS OFF THE OLD BLOCK

  CHIPS AHOY

  BIONIC PEOPLE

  CHIPPING AWAY

  HERE TO STAY