Uncle John’s Briefs Read online

  Barely known fact: “Naked” means to be unprotected; “nude” means unclothed.

  HE SLUD INTO THIRD

  Verbal gems actually uttered on the air by sports announcers.

  “If only faces could talk.”

  —Pat Summerall, NFL announcer

  “Hector Torres, how can you communicate with Enzo Hernandez when he speaks Spanish and you speak Mexican?”

  —Jerry Coleman, San Diego Padres announcer

  “A lot of good ballgames on tomorrow, but we’re going to be right here with the Cubs and the Mets.”

  —Thom Brennaman, Chicago Cubs announcer

  “Lance Armstrong is about to join a list which includes only himself.”

  —Mark Brown, ESPN sports analyst

  “I don’t think anywhere is there a symbiotic relationship between caddie and player like there is in golf.”

  —Johnny Miller, golf analyst

  “Referee Richie Powers called the loose bowel foul on Johnson.”

  —Frank Herzog, Washington Bullets basketball announcer

  “It’s a great advantage to be able to hurdle with both legs.”

  —David Coleman, British sports announcer

  “The Minutemen are not tall in terms of height.”

  —Dan Bonner, college basketball analyst

  “Jose Canseco leads off the 3rd inning with a grand slam.”

  —John Gordon, Minnesota Twins announcer

  “The offensive linemen are the biggest guys on the field, they’re bigger than everybody else, and that’s what makes them the biggest guys on the field.”

  —John Madden, NFL announcer

  “Watch the expression on his mask.”

  —Harry Neale, hockey analyst

  “The game’s in the refrigerator, folks. The door’s closed, the light’s out, the eggs are cooling, the butter’s gettin’ hard, and the Jell-O’s a-jigglin’.”

  —Chick Hearn, L.A. Lakers announcer

  It’s impossible to create a beverage of more than 18% alcohol by fermentation alone.

  WORD ORIGINS

  Ever wonder where words come from? Here are some interesting stories.

  JACKPOT

  Meaning: A huge prize

  Origin: “The term goes back to draw poker, where stakes are allowed to accumulate until a player is able to ‘open the pot’ by demonstrating that among the cards he has drawn he has a pair of jacks or better.” (From Dictionary of Word and Phrase Origins, Vol. II, by William and Mary Morris)

  GRENADE

  Meaning: A small, hand-thrown missile containing an explosive

  Origin: “The word comes from the French pomegrenade, for pomegranate, because the military missile, which dates from the sixteenth century, both is shaped like the fruit and explodes much as the seeds burst out from it.” (From Fighting Words, by Christine Ammer)

  SNACK

  Meaning: A small amount of food eaten between meals

  Origin: “A snack is something grabbed in a hurry, from the Dutch snacken, meaning to snap at something, although that word was only used for dogs.” (From Word Origins, by Wilfred Funk)

  AMMONIA

  Meaning: A potent, odorous cleaning fluid

  Origin: “Ammonia is so called because it was first made from the dung of the worshippers’ camels at the temple of Jupiter Ammon in Egypt.” (From Remarkable Words with Astonishing Origins, by John Train)

  HEATHEN

  Meaning: An ungodly person

  Origin: “Christianity began as primarily an urban religion; people in rural districts continued to worship older gods. The Latin word for countryman was paganus—whence, of course, pagan; the Germanic tongues had a similar word, something like khaithanaz, ‘dwelling in the heath’ (wilderness)—whence heathen.” (From Loose Cannons and Red Herrings, by Robert Claiborne)

  Nearly 200 people a year die of accidental carbon monoxide poisoning from sitting in their cars with the engine running.

  CALCULATE

  Meaning: Add, subtract, divide, and/or multiply numbers or money

  Origin: “In Rome 2,000 years ago the merchant figured his profit and loss using what he called calculi, or ‘little stones’ as counters. So the Latin term calculus, ‘pebble,’ not only gave us ‘calculate’ but our word ‘calculus,’ one of the most complicated forms of modern mathematics.” (From Word Origins, by Wilfred Funk, Litt. D.)

  MUSEUM

  Meaning: Building or collection of art, music, scientific tools, or any specific set of objects

  Origin: A shrine to the Greek Muses. “Such a shrine was known as a mouseion. When the Museum at Alexandria was destroyed in the fourth century, the word nearly dropped out of use. Three hundred years ago, a scholar rediscovered the word.” (From Thereby Hangs a Tale, by Charles Earle Funk)

  DOPE

  Meaning: Drugs

  Origin: “This word was originally a Dutch word, doop, meaning a sauce or liquid. Its first association with narcotics came when it was used to describe the viscous glop that results from heating opium. Then, by rapid extension, it came to mean any narcotic.” (From Dictionary of Word and Phrase Origins, Vol. III, by William and Mary Morris)

  RIVAL

  Meaning: Competitor

  Origin: “A rival is etymologically ‘someone who uses the same stream as another.’ The word comes from Latin rivalis, meaning ‘of a stream.’ People who use or live by the same stream are neighbors and, human nature being as it is, are usually in competition with each other.” (From Dictionary of Word Origins, by John Ayto)

  LITTLE WILLIE

  These morbid “Willie” poems were popular in the 1950s, although most were written in the 1890s. Either way, they’re still funny (in a sick sort of way).

  Little Willie hung his sister,

  She was dead before

  we missed her.

  Willie’s always up to tricks!

  Ain’t he cute? He’s only six!

  Willie poisoned Father’s tea.

  Father died in agony.

  Mother was extremely vexed.

  “Really, Will,” she

  said, “What next?”

  Into the family drinking well

  Willie pushed his sister Nell.

  She’s there yet

  because it kilt her.

  Now we have to buy a filter.

  Little Willie, on the track,

  Didn’t hear the engine squeal.

  Now the engine’s

  coming back,

  Scraping Willie off the wheel.

  The ice upon our

  pond’s so thin

  That Little Willie’s fallen in!

  We cannot reach

  him from the shore

  Until the surface freezes more.

  Ah me, my heart

  grows weary waiting—

  Besides, I want

  to do some skating.

  Willie saw some dynamite,

  Couldn’t understand it quite;

  Curiosity never pays:

  It rained Willie seven days.

  Willie with a thirst for gore

  Nailed his sister to the door.

  Mother said with

  humor quaint,

  “Willie dear, don’t

  scratch the paint.”

  Little Willie fell down a drain;

  Couldn’t scramble out again.

  Now he’s floating in the sewer

  The world is left

  one Willie fewer.

  Willie, in one of

  his nice new sashes,

  Fell in the fire and

  was burnt to ashes.

  Now, although the

  room grows chilly,

  We haven’t the heart

  to poke poor Willie.

  Willie coming

  home from school,

  Spied a dollar near a mule.

  Stooped to get it,

  quiet as a mouse.

  Funeral tomorrow

  at Willie’s house.

 
How big is the principality of Monaco? 370 acres.

  THE BUGS AND THE BEES

  We sometimes wonder about insects creeping and crawling in the garage or out in the garden. What do they do all day? It turns out that even with six or eight legs, they still have a one-track mind.

  CHEAPSKATE FLIES

  The mating ritual of a type of fly called Hilara, commonly known as the “dance fly,” involves gift-giving. The male catches a small insect, wraps it in silk, and then presents it—along with a wing-waving mating dance—to his potential mate. When she accepts it, he mounts her while she’s busy eating the gift. But some dance flies are too lazy to even catch the bug. In one species, the male offers the female what looks like a gift-wrapped insect. While she unwraps it, he mates with her, trying to complete the act before she discovers there’s no bug in the bag.

  TRICKY ORCHIDS

  The female tiphiid wasp can’t fly. So she climbs to the top of a tall plant and releases her pheromones into the air. The male flies by, grabs her, and flies away. Mating takes place in midair.

  One type of orchid has made an interesting adaptation: its flower looks just like a female tiphiid. Not only that, its scent is almost identical to her pheromones. The unsuspecting male wasp grabs the flower and tries to take off with it; in the struggle, he brushes against the pollen before becoming frustrated and flying away. He goes on to the next orchid and goes through the same routine, thus pollinating the orchids.

  HUNGRY SPIDERS

  The female black widow spider is genetically programmed to control the black widow population in her neighborhood, based on available food supply. Here’s how she does it: A male approaches her web, sits on the edge, and bobs his abdomen, causing the web to vibrate. If she’s not in the mood, she won’t respond. If she is willing to mate, she’ll send out an answering pattern of vibrations calling him toward her. But if she’s hungry, she’ll send the male the exact same mating response. And when he gets close enough… she eats him.

  Early recipes for beer included mushrooms, bay leaves, butter, and bread crumbs.

  WHAT DREAMS MEAN

  Psychologists say dreams reflect our waking lives. Although translations will vary with each individual, researchers say everybody’s dreams share some common themes. Here are some examples.

  • If you’re naked, you’re dreading an upcoming event because you feel unprepared, ashamed, or vulnerable.

  • If you’re falling, it’s a subconscious response to real-life stress. However, some experts say the “stress” could be something as simple as a mid-sleep leg or arm spasm.

  • If you die, it doesn’t portend death (yours or anybody else’s)—it suggests insecurity or anxiety.

  • If you dream about a dead relative, you’ve come to terms with the loss. Dream psychologists say we only dream about deceased loved ones when the grief process is complete.

  • If you see a car wreck, a big undertaking in your life may feel bound for failure.

  • If you’re being chased, you’re probably running away from something in real life. Being unable to run in a dream indicates feeling overwhelmed by daily pressures.

  • If your teeth fall out or crumble, you’re unhappy with your physical appearance. It may also mean you’re excessively concerned about how others perceive you.

  • If you’re giving birth, great change is unfolding. Dreaming about babies indicates a desire to behave more maturely.

  • If you can fly, you’ve just conquered a stressful situation. If you dream that you’re able to control where you fly, it’s a sign of confidence. Flying aimlessly suggests you’re cautiously optimistic about your success.

  • If you dream about water, it represents a general sense of your emotional state. Clear water means satisfaction with work and home. Muddy water is a sign of skepticism and discontent.

  • If you’re urinating, you may be expressing desire for relief from a difficult situation. Or you may really have to pee. Or you may be doing so already.

  The American bison was pictured on a 1901 U.S. dollar. It was nicknamed “the buffalo bill.”

  UNINTENDED

  CONSEQUENCES

  Sometimes when a plan is put into action, the result can be something that no one could have predicted. But, hey—that’s what makes life interesting.

  WHAT HAPPENED: The approval of the drug Viagra by the FDA in 1998

  INTENDED: Improved sexual performance in men and, thus, better physical relationships between couples

  UNINTENDED: A sharp rise in the divorce rate among the elderly. Reports released between 2001 and 2003 dubbed the problem the “Viagra divorce.” USA Today reported that “husbands previously unable to perform now confront ‘Viagra wives’ not excited to be asked once again for sex.” This, according to the reports, often led the men to have affairs, which often resulted in divorce.

  WHAT HAPPENED: The Roman army’s victories in Asia Minor between 161 and 166 A.D.

  INTENDED: Armenia, Syria, and Mesopotamia were annexed to the Roman Empire

  UNINTENDED: The plague. Returning soldiers brought it back with them, and as much as half the entire population of Rome was decimated by the disease.

  WHAT HAPPENED: The use of salicylic acid as early as the fifth century B.C. and its modern form, acetylsalicylic acid—better known as aspirin

  INTENDED: Pain relief

  UNINTENDED: The prevention of countless heart attacks and strokes. British scientist John Vane showed in 1971 that aspirin suppresses not only inflammation, fever, and the transmission of pain signals to the brain, it also affects the blood’s ability to clot. Blood clots are a major factor in heart attacks and strokes—the leading cause of death in the Western world. Vane’s research, which showed that small regular doses of aspirin could prevent their occurrence, won him a Nobel Prize.

  Over a lifetime, the average driver releases 900 pints of gas inside their car.

  WHAT HAPPENED: A ban on smoking in bars in Winnipeg, Manitoba

  INTENDED: A decrease in the health risks of cigarette smoke to bargoers and workers in the city

  UNINTENDED: The discovery of a mummified body in the wall of a bar. In December 2003, police found the body of Eduardo Sanchez, 21, behind a wall in the Village Cabaret. The club’s owners said they had been aware of an offensive smell for a year but thought it was just normal bar odors: stale beer and cigarettes. When the smoking ban went into effect, the odor stood out and neighbors called police. Sanchez was a DJ at the club; police had been unable to solve the mystery of his disappearance in October 2002. They said it now appeared that Sanchez had crawled into a gap between two walls in the basement—for an unknown reason—and gotten stuck.

  WHAT HAPPENED: The U.S. government’s $1.3 billion “War on Cocaine” in Colombia

  INTENDED: A decrease in cocaine use in the United States

  UNINTENDED: An increase in heroin use in the U.S. In 2001 the Chicago Sun-Times reported that under the U.S. plan, Colombian planes and helicopters were being used to go after coca plantations—the same aircraft that had previously been used to search for poppy plantations. Poppy growers took advantage and started making record amounts of heroin…and shipping it to the U.S.

  WHAT HAPPENED: The creation of the DMZ (Demilitarized Zone) between North and South Korea at the end of the Korean War in 1953

  INTENDED: The barbed wire–enclosed 2.5-by-150-mile strip of land would help preserve peace between two nations that are still officially “at war.”

  UNINTENDED: The DMZ is an environmental paradise. It’s been virtually human-free for more than 50 years. Result: According to scientists, nearly 3,000 species of plants and animals thrive in the zone today—many that no longer exist in either country. That includes several severely endangered animals, such as Asiatic black bears, Siberian tigers, and two of the most endangered birds in the world: the white-naped crane and the red-crowned crane. In 1999 environmental leaders created a group called the DMZ Forum, which is still working to convince the two countries
to turn the strip into a permanent nature reserve.

  Ouch! The term “alimony” is from the Latin for “eating money.”

  LUCKY FINDS

  Ever found something really valuable? It’s one of the best feelings in the world. Here’s an installment of a regular Bathroom Reader feature.

  ASHAKY PROSPECT

  The Find: A dirty, moldy, wobbly old card table

  Where It Was Found: At a lawn sale, for $25

  The Story: In the late 1960s, a woman named Claire (no last name—she prefers to remain anonymous) moved to a new house and needed a small table for one of the rooms. She found one at a yard sale but it was dirty and it wobbled; a friend advised against buying it, telling her that “it would never hold a lamp.” She bought it anyway—after bargaining the price down from $30 to $25, because that was all the money she had in her purse. When she cleaned the table up, she noticed a label on the underside of it that read “John Seymour & Son Cabinet Makers Creek Square Boston.” Claire did some research on it, but didn’t learn a lot.

  Nearly 30 years passed. Then in September 1997, Claire took her table to a taping of the PBS series Antiques Roadshow. There she learned that Seymour furniture is among the rarest and most sought-after in the United States; until Claire’s table showed up, only five other pieces in original condition with the Seymour label were known to exist. Claire thought the table might be worth $20,000; the Antiques Roadshow appraiser put it at $300,000. Not even close—the table sold at auction at Sotheby’s for $490,000.

  I YAM WHAT I YAM

  The Find: A diamond

  Where It Was Found: In Sierra Leone…under a yam

  The Story: In 1997 three hungry boys were scrounging for food near the village of Hinnah Malen in the African country of Sierra Leone. The boys, orphaned since 1995 when their parents had been killed in a rebel attack, had gone two days without food. They spent three unsuccessful hours searching for yams that morning and were on their way home when their luck changed. They found a yam under a palm tree and dug it up. Right under the yam they found a flawless 100-carat diamond. Estimated value: $500,000. “It was easy to see,” according to the oldest boy, 14-year-old Morie Jah. “It was shining and sparkling.”