Uncle John’s Briefs Read online

  Koalas have no natural predators.

  NOT BAA-AA-AD

  The Find: A lost Hindu shrine

  Where It Was Found: In a cave in the Himalayas, in India

  The Story: In September 2001, a shepherd named Ghulam Qadir lost some of his sheep and set out to look for them. He crawled into a small cave, thinking they might be there…but instead of his sheep, he found a 12-inch idol of the Hindu god Shiva. The cave turned out to be a 1,500-year-old shrine, one that had been forgotten and undisturbed for centuries. Government officials were so excited by the discovery that they promised to pay Qadir 10% of the cash offerings left at the shrine from 2002 to 2007, followed by a large final payment when the five years were up. (He never did find his sheep.)

  FOWL PLAY

  The Find: A piece of paper stuffed into a leather-bound datebook from 1964

  Where It Was Found: In a box of old books in Shelbyville, Kentucky

  The Story: Homeowners Tommy and Cherry Settle found the datebook while looking through boxes in their basement. Inside the datebook they found a recipe for fried chicken, one that called for 11 herbs and spices—a number that immediately clicked with the Settles, because their home was once owned by Kentucky Fried Chicken founder Colonel Harland Sanders. The Settles believe the recipe may be a copy of Colonel Sanders’s “Original Recipe,” a carefully guarded trade secret and the foundation upon which the $20 billion fast-food chain is built. Only a handful of KFC employees know the recipe, and each of them is sworn to secrecy. When the company subcontracts out the recipe to other manufacturers, they always use at least two companies, so that no one else knows the complete recipe.

  So is the Settles’ find the genuine article? The Settles think so, because when they asked KFC about it, the chain filed a lawsuit to force them to hand the recipe over. “They didn’t say anything,” Cherry Settle says, “They just sent this court document.” Estimated “value,” priceless. If the recipe ever gets out, KFC is powerless to stop anyone else from using it.

  Sally Field was voted class clown by her high school.

  MADISON AVENUE

  MUTTS

  From beer to burritos, these dogs mean business.

  NIPPER, THE RCA DOG

  Nipper, a fox terrier, was born in England in 1884 and got his name because he liked to bite visitors on their legs. His original owner was Mark Barroud, brother of English painter Francis Barroud. When Mark died, Francis inherited the dog. According to legend, when a recording of Mark’s voice was played at his funeral, Nipper recognized it and stood on Mark’s coffin, looking into the horn of the phonograph. Francis Barroud later painted the scene in a work titled His Master’s Voice.

  Around 1900, the Victor Talking Machine Company started using the painting as its logo. Then, in 1928, Nipper (minus the coffin) became the symbol of the Radio Corporation of America when Victor’s American rights were sold to RCA.

  SPUDS MCKENZIE

  “Some guy in our Chicago agency drew a rough sketch of a dog called the Party Animal, for a Bud Light poster,” Anheuser-Busch’s marketing director told Sports Illustrated. “So we had to find a real dog that looked like this drawing.” The company picked Honey Tree Evil Eye, a female English bull terrier from Illinois. The poster was supposed to be distributed only to college students, but the beer company’s spokesdog was such a hit that the ads started showing up everywhere.

  After Spuds made her TV debut during the 1987 Super Bowl, Bud Light sales shot up 20 percent. Spuds retired amid controversy sometime later when the group Mothers Against Drunk Driving accused Anheuser-Busch of using the dog to encourage underage drinking. Honey Tree returned home to Illinois, where she lived until her death in 1993. She was 10 years old.

  Ears can be found on the thorax, abdomen, legs, wings, and mouths of different insects.

  THE TACO BELL CHIHUAHUA

  The most famous fast-food character of the 1990s was invented by chance when two advertising executives, Chuck Bennett and Clay Williams, were eating lunch at the Tortilla Grill in Venice, California. “We saw a little Chihuahua run by that appeared to be on a mission,” Bennett says. “We both looked at each other and said, ‘That would be funny.’”

  The men went on to make Gidget—the model Chihuahua used in the ads—an international superstar. The dog spawned toys, bobbleheads, and a renewed interest in the Chihuahua breed. A respected canine thespian in her own right, Gidget also starred in other projects, most notably as Bruiser’s mother in the 2003 film Legally Blonde 2: Red, White, and Blonde. She died in 2009 at the age of 15.

  MCGRUFF THE CRIME DOG

  In the late 1970s, the Ad Council—the organization responsible for producing most public-service announcements—made a deal with the U.S. Justice Department to create an ad campaign to discourage crime. Their first task: invent a spokes-character to deliver the message in commercials. Adman Jack Keil began riding with the New York police to get ideas. He remembers:

  We weren’t getting anywhere. Then came a day I was flying home from the West Coast. I was trying to think of a slogan—crunch crime, stomp on crime. And I was thinking of animal symbols—growling at crime, roaring at crime. But which animal? The designated critter had to be trustworthy, honorable, and brave. Then I thought, you can’t crunch crime or defeat it altogether, but you can snap at it, nibble at it—take a bite out of crime. And the animal that takes a bite is a dog.

  A bloodhound was the natural choice for a crime fighter, and the campaign (dog included) debuted in 1980. But Keil still needed a name for his watchdog, so the Ad Council sponsored a nationwide contest to name the dog. Entries included Shure-lock Bones, Sarg-dog, J. Edgar Dog, and Keystone Kop Dog. The winner was submitted by a police officer from New Orleans—McGruff. In the ads, Keil supplies the dog’s voice. When he retires, Steve Parker, a sheriff’s deputy from Indiana, will take over.

  “Scratch a dog, and you’ll find a permanent job.”

  —Franklin P. Jones

  In scientific measurement, a unit of beauty is called a millihelen.

  PLEASED TO MEAT YOU

  Uncle John once saw a sign on an electrician’s truck that said “Let us fix your shorts.” He’s been collecting wacky business mottos like these ever since.

  Concrete company: “We dry harder.”

  Taxidermist: “We really know our stuff.”

  Podiatrist: “Time wounds all heels.”

  Butcher: “Let me meat your needs.”

  Pastry shop: “Get your buns in here.”

  Septic services: “We’re number 1 in the number 2 business.”

  Dry cleaner: “Drop your pants here.”

  Towing company: “We don’t want an arm and a leg…just your tows!”

  Window cleaner: “Your pane is our pleasure.”

  Restaurant: “Don’t stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up.”

  Diaper service: “Let us lighten your load.”

  Funeral home: “Drive carefully, we’ll wait.”

  Chimney sweep: “We kick ash.”

  Trash service: “Satisfaction guaranteed or double your trash back.”

  Garden shop: “Our business is growing.”

  Auto body shop: “May we have the next dents?”

  Muffler shop: “No appointment necessary. We’ll hear you coming.”

  Car wash: “We take a bite out of grime.”

  Massage studio: “It’s great to be kneaded.”

  Sod installation: “We just keep rolling a lawn.”

  Auto repair: “We meet by accident.”

  Bakery: “While you sleep, we loaf.”

  Plumber: “A good flush beats a full house.”

  Butcher: “Pleased to meat you.”

  Vacuum cleaners: “Business sucks.”

  First U.S. President to serve only one term: John Adams. Second: his son, John Quincy Adams.

  TO TELL THE TRUTH

  Can we ever really know for sure if someone is telling a lie? Most experts agree that the answer is no—but that h
asn’t stopped society from cooking up ways to sort out the liars from the honest people.

  ANCIENT LIE DETECTORS

  • The Bedouins of the Arabian peninsula forced suspected liars to lick red-hot pokers with their tongues, on the assumption that liars would burn their tongues and truth tellers wouldn’t. The method was cruel but it may have also been accurate, since the procedure measured the moisture content of the suspect’s mouth—and dry mouths are often associated with nervousness caused by lying.

  • The ancient Chinese forced suspected liars to chew a mouthful of rice powder and spit it out; if the rice was still dry, the suspect was deemed guilty.

  • The ancient British used a similar trick: They fed suspects a large ‘trial slice’ of bread and cheese, and watched to see if he could swallow it. If a suspect’s mouth was too dry to swallow, he was declared a liar and punished.

  • The preferred method in India was to send the suspects into a dark room and have them pull on the tail of a sacred donkey, which was supposed to bray if the person was dishonest…at least that’s what the suspects thought. The way the system really worked was that the investigators dusted the donkey’s tail with black powder (which was impossible to see in the unlit room). Innocent people, the investigators reasoned, would pull the tail without hesitation…but the guilty person, figuring that no one could see them in the darkness, would only pretend to pull the tail but would not touch it at all.

  MODERN METHOD

  The first modern lie detector was invented by Cesare Lombroso, an Italian criminologist, in 1895. His device measured changes in pulse and blood pressure. Then, in 1914, another researcher named Vittorio Benussi invented a machine that measured changes in breathing rate. But it wasn’t until 1921 that John A. Larson, a medical student at the University of California, invented a machine that measured pulse, blood pressure, and breathing rate simultaneously. His machine became known as a polygraph, because it measured three types of physiological changes. Today’s polygraphs use these methods, as well as more sophisticated measurements.

  A piano’s notes cover the full range of all orchestral instruments from below the lowest note of the double bassoon to above the top note of the piccolo.

  THE QUESTIONS

  The most common questioning method is called the Control Question Test (CQT), in which the polygraph operator asks three types of questions: neutral questions, key questions, and control questions.

  • Neutral questions like “What kind of car do you drive?” are designed to measure the suspect’s general level of nervousness, because nearly anyone who takes a polygraph test is going to be nervous.

  • Key, or “guilty,” questions quiz the suspect on information that only the guilty person would know. (For example: If the person taking the test were suspected of murdering someone, and the murder weapon was a knife, questions about knives would be considered key questions.)

  • Control, or “innocent,” questions would be indistinguishable from key questions by someone who did not have knowledge of the crime—but the guilty person would know. Questions about weapons not used in a murder would be considered control questions. An innocent person with no knowledge of the murder weapon would show the same level of nervousness during all the weapon questions—but the guilty person would be more nervous during questions about knives—and would be easy to identify using a polygraph…at least in theory.

  Lie detectors really work. True or false? To find out, turn to page 223.

  “Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with a metal wire to a photocopy machine. The message, “He’s lying,” was placed in the copier and police pressed the copy button each time they believed the suspect wasn’t telling the truth. Believing the ‘lie detector’ was working, the suspect confessed.”

  —News of the Weird

  ALWAYS…

  Uncle John’s credo: Always follow the advice of experts.

  “Always forgive your enemies….Nothing annoys them so much.”

  —Oscar Wilde

  “Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.”

  —Ernest Hemingway

  “Always remember before going on stage, wipe your nose and check your fly.”

  —Alec Guinness

  “Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.”

  —Margaret Mead

  “Always hold your head up, but be careful to keep your nose at a friendly level.”

  —Max L. Forman

  “Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.”

  —P. J. O’Rourke

  “Always take hold of things by the smooth handle.”

  —Thomas Jefferson

  “Always dream and shoot higher than you know you can do. Don’t bother just to be better than your contemporaries or predecessors. Try to be better than yourself.”

  —William Faulkner

  “Always give a word or a sign of salute when meeting or passing a friend, even a stranger.”

  —Tecumseh, Shawnee

  “Always listen to experts. They’ll tell you what can’t be done and why. Then do it.”

  —Robert Heinlein

  “Always be nice to people on the way up; because you’ll meet the same people on the way down.”

  —Wilson Mizner

  “Always do what you are afraid to do.”

  —Ralph Waldo Emerson

  “Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest.”

  —Mark Twain

  “Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use.” —Wendell Johnson

  NEVER…

  Uncle John’s credo: Never follow the advice of experts.

  “Never hire a cleaning lady named Dusty.”

  —David Corrado

  “Never trust the advice of a man in difficulties.”

  —Aesop

  “Never assume the obvious is true.”

  —William Safire

  “Never play peekaboo with a child on a long plane trip. There’s no end to the game. Finally, I grabbed him by the bib and said, ‘Look, it’s always gonna be me!’”

  —Rita Rudner

  “Never pet a porcupine.”

  —Kid on Sesame Street

  “Never send a man to do a horse’s job.”

  —Mr. Ed

  “Never trust a wolf’s tameness, a horse’s health, or an enemy’s smile.”

  —Israel Boone, Daniel Boone

  “Never trouble trouble till trouble troubles you.”

  —John Adams

  “Never give in, never give in, never, never, never, never—in nothing, great or small, large or petty—never give in except to convictions of honor and good sense.”

  —Winston Churchill

  “Never spend your money before you have it.”

  —Thomas Jefferson

  “Never miss a good chance to shut up.”

  —Will Rogers

  “Never get married in the morning, ’cause you may never know who you’ll meet that night.”

  —Paul Hornung

  “Never explain—your friends do not need it and your enemies will not believe you anyway.”

  —Elbert Hubbard

  “Never believe in mirrors or newspapers.”

  —Tom Stoppard

  “Never eat more than you can lift.”

  —Miss Piggy

  FOOD SUPERSTITIONS

  What can you do with food, besides eat it? Use it to drive evil spirits away, of course. People once believed in these bizarre rituals.

  “Sprinkle pepper on a chair to ensure that guests do not overstay their welcome.”

  “If cooking bacon curls up in the pan, a new lover is about to arrive.”

  “Eating five almonds will cure drunkenness.”

  “If the bubbles on the surface of a cup of coffee float toward the drinker,
prosperous times lie ahead; if they retreat, hard times are promised.”

  “Cut a slice from the stalk end of a banana while making a wish. If a Y-shaped mark is revealed, the wish will come true.”

  “Feed red pistachio nuts to a zombie—it will break his trance and allow him to die.”

  “When a slice of buttered bread falls butter-side-up, it means a visitor is coming.”

  “Put a red tomato on the window sill—it scares away evil spirits.”

  “If bread dough cracks during baking, a funeral is imminent.”

  “It’s lucky to see two pies, but unlucky to see only one.”

  “A wish will come true if you make it while burning onions.”

  “Feeding ground eggshells to children cures bedwetting.”

  “Stirring a pot of tea stirs up trouble.”

  “It’s bad luck to let milk boil over.”

  “Bank up used tea leaves at the back of the fire to ward off poverty.”

  “If you find a pod with nine peas in it, throw it over your shoulder and make a wish. It will come true.”

  “Finding a chicken egg with no yolk is unlucky.”

  “If meat shrinks in the pot, your downfall is assured. If it swells, you’ll experience prosperity.”

  “Beans scattered in the corners of a home will drive out evil spirits.”

  “It is unlucky to say the word ‘salt’ at sea.”

  Charlie Sheen once wrote a collection of poetry, but couldn’t find anyone willing to publish it.