Uncle John’s Briefs Read online

NFL statistic: Americans consume 8 million pounds of guacamole on Super Bowl Sunday.

  HOW TO READ

  A DOLLAR BILL

  Looking for emergency bathroom reading the next time you’re without this book? Try a dollar bill. It’s packed with info, from the obvious to the symbolic.

  FIRST, THE BACK OF THE BILL…

  • The pyramid stands for permanence and strength. It’s unfinished to represent the country’s future growth.

  • The eye over the pyramid represents the overseeing eye of God.

  • The Latin phrase Annuit Coeptis above the pyramid means “He Has Favored Our Undertakings.”

  • The Roman numeral MDCCLXXVI on the bottom of the pyramid is the number 1776 (the year the U.S. was founded).

  One in five Americans cannot say which president is on the $1 bill without looking.

  • E Pluribus Unum is a Latin phrase meaning “Out of Many, One” (50 states united into one nation).

  • The eagle’s head turns toward peace (symbolized by an olive branch); it turns away from war (represented by arrows). Check out how many olive leaves and arrows there are.

  AND NOW, GEORGE’S SIDE OF THE BILL…

  • First, a historical note: Ever wonder why George Washington’s not smiling in his portraits? Historians suspect it’s because of his unattractive and ill-fitting false teeth.

  • To the left of Washington is a letter in the center of a seal. That shows which Federal Reserve Bank issued the bill: Boston (A), New York (B), Philadelphia (C), Cleveland (D), Richmond (E), Atlanta (F), Chicago (G), St. Louis (H), Minneapolis (I), Kansas City (J), Dallas (K), or San Francisco (L).

  • Below the seal is a series of numbers. This is the bill’s serial number. Every bill has a different number.

  • Also to the left of Washington is the signature of the Treasurer of the United States at the time the bill was printed.

  Pop science quiz: Why does peanut butter stick to the roof of your mouth? A: Its high protein content sucks away moisture.

  JELLIED MOOSE NOSE

  In 1967 the Canadian government published a collection of backwoods recipes from native and non-native peoples in the nation’s far north. It’s now out of print, but here are a few highlights. And if ever you find a copy of The Northern Cookbook, grab it—it’s a classic.

  MUSKRAT TAILS

  “Cut off the tails and dip them into very hot water. Pull off the fur. Either cook them on top of the stove, turning them after a few minutes, or boil them. (This is the same method as for beaver tails. Both are very sticky to eat.)”

  STUFFED MUSKRAT

  “Clean the rats well and put them in a roaster with bread stuffing on top. Roast until the muskrats are soft.”

  BOILED PORCUPINE

  “Make a fire outside and put the porcupine in it to burn off the quills. Wash and clean well. Cut up and boil until done.”

  GRIZZLY BEAR STEAKS

  “Cut up meat as for frying and fry in deep grease in frying pan.”

  BEAR FAT PASTRY

  “1½ cups flour, ½ tsp. salt, cup bear fat (from a little black bear that was eating berries). Makes rich white pastry.”

  MUKTUK (meat inside skin and fat of a whale)

  “After taken from whale leave 2 days hanging up to dry. Cut into 6"×6" pieces. Cook until tender. After cooked, keep in a cool place in a 45-gallon drum of oil, in order to have muktuk all year.”

  OVEN-ROASTED LYNX

  “Wash and clean the hind legs of the lynx and roast it with lard and a little water.”

  BOILED LYNX

  “Cut up the lynx and boil it until it is soft and well cooked. Good to eat with muktuk.”

  STEAMED MUSKRAT LEGS

  “Cut off the muskrat’s legs, dip in a bowl of flour with salt, pepper, and other strong seasoning. Put grease into a large frying pan. Put in the muskrat legs. Cover and cook for a long time as they take long to become tender. The strong seasoning takes away the actual taste of the muskrat.”

  BOILED REINDEER HEAD

  “Skin and wash the head well. Then chop it in quarters, splitting it between the eyes with an axe. Cover with cold water and boil until soft. One can also roast in an open pan in an oven very slowly.”

  BOILED REINDEER OR CARIBOU HOOFS

  “Put hoofs (skin still on them) in a large pot. Cover and boil for a couple of hours. The skin will peel off easily. The muscles are soft and very good to eat. The toe nails also have some soft sweet meat inside them.”

  BOILED SMOKED BEAVER

  “Smoke the beaver for a day or so. Cut up the meat and boil it with salted water until done.”

  FROZEN FISH EGGS

  “Take fish eggs out and freeze them. They are good to eat like this.”

  BOILED BONE GREASE

  “Boil whatever bones are left after all the meat has been cut off. Boil them all in a big pot for two hours. Then let the grease get cold in the pot. It is easy to pick the grease off. Keep the grease to eat with dry meat or add to pounded meat.”

  BOILED REINDEER TONGUES

  “Boil tongues until thoroughly cooked. Potatoes and vegetables are good with this.”

  DRY FISH PUDDING

  “Pound up 5 to 6 dry fish. Throw away skin. Add sugar, a little grease, and cranberries.”

  JELLIED MOOSE NOSE

  “Cut the upper jaw bone of the moose just below the eyes. Boil in a large kettle for 45 minutes. Remove and chill. Pull out all the hairs (like plucking a duck) and wash until none remain. Place nose in a kettle and cover with fresh water. Add onion, garlic, spices, and vinegar. Bring to a boil, then reduce heat and simmer until meat is tender. Let cool overnight. When cool, discard the bones and cartilage. You will have white meat from the bulb of the nose and dark meat from the bones and jowls. Slice thinly and alternate layers of white and dark meat in a loaf pan. Let cool until jelly has set. Slice and serve cold.”

  BAKED SKUNK

  “Clean, skin, wash. Bake in oven with salt and pepper. Tastes like rabbit (no smell).”

  About 42,000 tennis balls are used each year in the 2-week Wimbledon Championship.

  WHERE’S YOUR MECCA?

  You’ve probably heard of the pilgrimage to the city of Mecca in Saudi Arabia that is a requirement of the Islamic faith. But have you heard about the Kumbh Mela? How about the…

  HOLY SITE: Sites around Mecca, Saudi Arabia

  THE JOURNEY: The Hajj pilgrimage is the duty of all Muslims, if they are physically and financially able to make the journey. It always takes place in the 12th (and holy) month of the Islamic year, Ramadan. Some requirements of the Hajj: Pilgrims are not allowed to hunt, wear perfume, have marital relations, or argue; they must walk around the Ka’aba—the ancient mosque said to be built by Islam’s patriarch, Abraham, and his son Ishmael—seven times. (The Ka’aba is the direction that all Muslims face during prayer.) They must also stone the three pillars of Jamraat, which represent Satan, symbolizing Abraham’s rejection of temptation. More than 2 million people make the Hajj to Mecca every year.

  HOLY SITES: Four cities in India

  THE JOURNEY: The Kumbh Mela is the world’s largest religious pilgrimage. It centers around a Hindu myth: Long ago the gods and demons fought a battle over the Kumbh, a pitcher containing the nectar of immortality. During the battle, four drops of nectar spilled onto the Earth. Those drops fell in the Indian cities of Allahabad, Nasik, Ujjain, and Haridwar. Every three years a mela (fair) is held in one of the cities, rotating so that each is visited every 12 years. The Guinness Book of World Records called Allahabad’s 1989 gathering “the largest number of human beings to ever assemble with a common purpose in the entire history of mankind.” An estimated 25 million people—nearly the population of Canada—attended.

  HOLY SITE: Ise Jingu (The Grand Shrine of Ise), Mie, Japan

  THE JOURNEY: The Ise Jingu is the Shinto shrine dedicated to Amaterasu Omikami, the Great Sun Goddess and mythological ancestor of the Japanese royal family. In the 600s A.D., Emperor Temmu decl
ared it the most important shrine in Shintoism. At first, only Japanese royalty were allowed in, but it in the 1600s it was opened to the public. Ise Jingu also has the distinction of being one of the oldest—and newest—pilgrimage sites in the world. Every 20 years it undergoes shikinen sengu—all the shrine’s buildings are destroyed and rebuilt, using the same construction techniques that were used 13 centuries ago. (The next shikinen sengu is in 2013.) Today more than 6 million make the trip every year, with more than a million showing up around New Years Day alone.

  Elvis Presley collected guns, including several M-16s and a Thompson submachine gun.

  HOLY SITE: Chek Chek shrine near Yazd, Iran

  THE JOURNEY: Zoroastrianism was founded in the 6th century B.C. and was the official religion of the ancient Persian Empire. Legend says that in 640 A.D. Muslim armies chased the daughter of Persian Emperor Yazdgird III to the mountains near Yazd. There she prayed to the Zoroastrian creator, Ahura Mazda, for her freedom, and the mountain opened up and saved her. A holy spring still runs at the site (Chek Chek means “drip drop”). Every June, thousands of pilgrims make their way up the mountain to a sacred cave, where they pray and drink the water from the spring.

  HOLY SITE: Hill Cumorah, near Palmyra, New York

  THE JOURNEY: Hill Cumorah is where Joseph Smith had visions in the 1820s, upon which the Mormon faith is based. There, Mormons believe, Smith was visited by the Angel Moroni, who gave him the Book of Mormon—the history of the New World on gold tablets. A huge statue of Moroni stands on the hill, and every July, nearly 100,000 Mormons come for “The Cumorah Pageant: America’s Witness for Christ,” during which dramatic reenactments of the Book of Mormon are performed.

  HOLY SITE: The Saut d’Eau waterfall near Ville Bonheur, Haiti

  THE JOURNEY: Many Haitians follow a combination of Voodooism and Christianity. In 1847, believers say, an image of the Virgin Mary was seen in a tree near the falls. In the Voodoo faith, the Virgin Mary is often associated with Erzuli, the Voodoo goddess of love. Every July, pilgrims journey to Ville Bonheur (the Village of Bliss) and the Saut d’Eau falls. There they stand in the falls and sing, chant, and pray to Mary and/or Erzuli and other Voodoo spirits. Anywhere from hundreds to tens of thousands of Haitians (depending on political conditions in the country) make the trip each year.

  Poo news: Deer droppings are called fumet.

  STAR TREK WISDOM

  Is there intelligent life in TV’s outer space? You decide.

  “Is there anyone on this ship who, even remotely, looks like Satan?”

  —Kirk

  Tuvok: “The phaser beam would ricochet along an unpredictable path, possibly impacting our ship in the process.”

  Janeway: “All right, we won’t try that.”

  “Mr. Spock, the women on your planet are logical. That’s the only planet in the galaxy that can make that claim.”

  —Kirk

  “I’m a doctor, not an escalator.”

  —McCoy

  “I must say, there’s nothing like the vacuum of space for preserving a handsome corpse.”

  —Doctor

  “It’s difficult to work in a group when you’re omnipotent.”

  —Q

  “The best diplomat I know is a fully-loaded phaser bank.”

  —Scotty

  “Mr. Neelix, do you think you could possibly behave a little less like yourself?”

  —Tuvok

  “What am I, a doctor or a moon shuttle conductor?”

  —McCoy

  “Time travel. From my first day on the job I promised myself I’d never let myself get caught up in one of these God-forsaken paradoxes. The future is the past; the past is the future. It all gives me a headache.”

  —Janeway

  “I’m attempting to construct a mnemonic memory circuit, using stone knives and bearskins.”

  —Spock

  Data: “Tell me, are you using a polymer-based neuro-relay to transmit organic nerve impulses to the central processor of my positronic net?”

  Borg Queen: “Do you always talk this much?”

  “I’m a doctor, not a bricklayer.”

  —McCoy

  The word “grandmother” appears in the Bible only once: 2 Timothy 1:5.

  JUZT NUTZ

  Each year, The Onion’s A.V. Club receives thousands of records from up-and-coming bands, some with really, really strange names. Here are a few that we can print (but we can’t vouch for their music).

  • Dear and the Headlights

  • The Dead Kenny Gs

  • Human Being Lawnmower

  • Happy Butterfly Foot

  • Orb of Confusion

  • Best Fwends

  • The Color Fred

  • Tigers Can Bite You

  • To Live and Shave in L.A.

  • Butt Stomach

  • Shapes Have Fangs

  • Harmonica Lewinsky

  • Earth Dies Screaming

  • Shoot for the Stars… and Kill Them

  • Secret Lives of Freemasons

  • Unicorn Dream Attack

  • Chevy Metal

  • The Pleasures of Merely Circulating

  • Garrison Killer

  • Penguins with Shotguns

  • DD/MM/YYYY

  • Mel Gibson & the Pants

  • Doofgoblin

  • Ringo DeathStarr

  • General Patton & His Privates

  • Let’s French

  • The Shark That Ate My Friend

  • I Would Set Myself on Fire for You

  • Dyslexic Speedreaders

  • Clown Vomit

  • Les Breastfeeders

  • Happy Mothers Day, I Can’t Read

  • Neil Diamond Phillips

  • Broke Up This Year, Alas

  • Juzt Nutz

  • If Your Hands Were Metal That Would Mean Something

  • We All Have Hooks For Hands

  • The House That Gloria Vanderbilt

  In Flowery Branch, Georgia, it is illegal to yell “Snake!” within city limits.

  NUDES & PRUDES

  Nudity can be shocking…and so can prudery. Which side of the fence do you fall on?

  NUDE In April 2000, a state trooper stopped a car in the Houston suburb of Sugarland and discovered that all four passengers—three women and a three-year-old girl—were naked. God, the women claimed, had told them to burn their clothes and drive to Wal-Mart to get some new clothes. “It’s always something,” the state trooper says. “No two days are the same in this job.”

  PRUDE

  Police in Brazil arrested a minor league soccer player named William Pereira Farias after he stripped off his uniform and threw it into the crowd to celebrate the scoring of a goal. “He broke the laws of respectful behavior,” police officer Alfredo Faria told reporters. “He offended the townspeople and will likely be suspended from the team.”

  NUDE

  Norway’s Radio Tango has become the first radio station to offer live nude weather reports. The reports, billed as “more weather, less clothes,” air on the station’s morning show; listeners can view the naked weather forecasters on the Internet. “This is a world exclusive,” says morning host Michael Reines Oredam. “It has never been done before. It brings a certain atmosphere to the studio which we hope our listeners are able to pick up on.”

  PRUDE

  Police in Seremban, a town south of Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia, have raided several cellular phone stores and seized “obscene” plastic cellular phone covers that feature naked images of well-known celebrities. “The phones are modified to light up the private parts of actors or actresses when a user receives or makes a call,” says police superintendent Abdul Razak Ghani.

  NUDE

  Portland businessman Mark Dean hopes to expand his topless nightclub business by running it as a topless doughnut shop during breakfast hours, with his strippers doubling as waitresses. What are the odds that his new venture will succeed? Not
as good as you might think—a topless doughnut shop in Fort Lauderdale, Florida, went under after less than a year; a topless car wash operated by the same businessman lasted only a few months.

  MIT students built a computer out of Tinker Toys. It plays Tic-Tac-Toe. (It’s never lost a game.)

  PRUDE

  The executor of the estate of the late basketball legend Wilt Chamberlain reports that he is having trouble selling the Big Dipper’s Bel Air estate, even after reducing the price from $10 million to $4.3 million and tearing out the “playroom,” which featured a waterbed floor covered with black rabbit fur and a wraparound pink velvet couch. (The retractable mirrored roof over the master bed has been preserved; so has the traffic light in the bedroom that signals either a green light to “Love,” or a red light for “Don’t Love.”) Executor Sy Goldberg admits that Chamberlain’s boasting that he slept with more than 20,000 women in his lifetime may be part of the problem, but he says that holding that against the house is “ridiculous.”

  NUDE

  A Dutch telemarketing company has found a novel way around the tight labor market in the Netherlands: They’ve created a special division of the company that allows employees to work in the nude. “We had about 75 applicants in the first four hours,” a spokesman for the company—which did not release its name “for fear of offending existing clients”—told reporters. “With a normal call center, you’d be lucky to get one or two applicants an hour.”

  PRUDE

  Officials at Los Angeles International Airport covered images of “bounding nude men” with brown paper in 2001 pending a decision on whether to remove them permanently. The naked men, who were supposed to represent the earliest human attempts at flight, were sandblasted into the granite floor of a newly renovated terminal at the airport. American Airlines paid Los Angeles artist Susan Narduli $850,000 to create the work, which was approved by both the airline and the city’s cultural affairs commission. The figures’ private parts were “completely obscured,” but no matter: “If the city decides it wants the artwork changed,” said an American Airlines spokesperson, “we’ll change it.” Several weeks later, city officials said the artwork could remain…and the brown paper was removed.