Unspeakable Truths Read online

  “Why don’t you ask Everly what’s wrong with that? Or better yet why don’t you ask your wife what she thinks? Ohhh right,” he draws out sarcastically, “she doesn’t know does she?”

  “I came here to tell you to stay away from Everly. Do what you have to do to let her down easily and break it off now.”

  My hearts racing a mile a minute now. I’m furious at the nerve of him. How he thinks that he has any power over my life at all is beyond me. I’m angrier at myself for letting the guilt that they made me feel keep me stuck in a place that was so dark I could barely pull myself out.

  “Or what?” Luca asks, his tone is menacing, powerful, and I’m thrilled he’s not backing down.

  “Or I use all of my pull and resources to ruin your career. When I’m through with you, you will never practice law in this state again.”

  Oh my God, I think to myself as the tears start to well up in my eyes. How the hell did this conversation deteriorate so rapidly?

  “Go for it, run me out of the state again, but just know this time before I leave, I’ll return the favor, maybe I’ll have a little informational chat with your wife. And if I ever do leave, I’m doing it with Everly, so be my guest, do your worst.”

  “You may have been able to convince Everly of your story but you won’t be able to convince my wife, she’ll think you’re crazy. She knows I’d never lie to her. Think about it a day or two but don’t take too long to make a decision. I’m very motivated; I will not hesitate to destroy you.”

  “I don’t need any time to think, I’d never chose a job over the woman I love. I’d never choose to have status over a family. The answer is no.”

  “I’m giving you the time anyway.”

  I can tell that the conversation is over and move quickly, letting myself out of the door as quietly as possible wanting to remain undetected. I run around the side of the building and hide until I’m sure that Michael is gone. I jog to my car, get in and get the hell out of there, driving home as fast as I can. I can’t face Luca right now. I can’t bring myself to see him, not when I’m so torn about what to do. Can I let him give up his career just to be with me? What kind of person would that make me, I’d be no better than Michael. It’s not like I can plead the fifth, not when I know the truth. Being with me means having to sacrifice everything, and I don’t know that I can live with that.

  I’ve waited a few days, waited to see if Luca would call things off or break up with me, but the longer I wait, the more evident it is that he’s not ever going to do it. He loves me no matter what, no matter what obstacles arise—above his own career—and that makes me love him even more, more than I ever thought possible. Maybe even more than I loved Tyler, but none of that matters now, none of it helps when I know that us being together is hurting him.

  Happily ever after doesn’t exist. It’s a myth, and if it does exist it’s not for me, was never meant to be for me. I thought I had it once, thought I held it in my grasp but just like that, love slipped through my fingers. Now here I am again, with that old familiar pit of emptiness in my stomach, the air thick with sorrow and sadness. I know I’m doing the right thing, I can’t stand the thought of anymore sacrifices being made on my behalf; I can’t stomach the idea that the man I love would give up something that he’s worked so hard for just for me—not after all that he’s been through, all that I put him through over the years.

  I place the flowers down at the foot of the gravestone. I don’t know what brought me back here today, but it seemed like a good place to start. My life as I know it has to end today, and it starts with this goodbye.

  “I need to tell you how angry I am at you. How hurt I am that you didn’t trust me, that you didn’t love me enough to tell me the truth. I would have stayed by your side, I would have tried to help you, but you kept me in the dark for so long about so many things and it hurts.”

  I lower myself down and sit on the grass, wrapping my arms around my legs and hugging them to my body.

  “I think I understand though. I get that maybe you didn’t want me to think any less of you, I get that you were scared that you might lose me, and I realize that you were trying to protect me, but shit Tyler, you built our whole relationship on lies. Sometimes I don’t even know which parts were true. Like how you knew how Luca felt about me and you went after me anyway, it was a shitty thing to do. I’m not saying I regret our relationship, I’m not even saying that I’d change it, any of it, but I wish you would have been honest. I wish that the foundation of our relationship was more stable, but I guess I can’t really blame you for lying huh? What kind of hypocrite would that make me? I’m about to lie to Luca, I’m about to break our relationship apart in order to protect him… so I guess in the end I’m no better than you are, am I?”

  I rest my head on my knees and let out a breath. I try to keep the tears that threaten at bay, try to tell myself that it’s all for the best.

  “I love him you know. I do, and I’m sorry if that means that I’ve betrayed you in some way. It was never my intention, but I think that everything happens for a reason. I think Luca was meant to pull me kicking and screaming out of the dark, he was meant to help me find myself again. I had hoped that he would be a permanent figure in my life, but your father has seen to it that that will never happen. I’m not sure where this need to interfere in everyone’s lives comes from; you’d think he’d have learned his lesson by now, but clearly that’s not the case. What else can I do Ty, I have to leave him right? If I don’t he loses his career, how could I do that to him after he gave up so much because of me already?”

  I swipe at my face, wiping away the tears that have fallen. “I can’t do it to him, I can’t. I have to let him go, and the thing is Ty, I have to let you go too. I wanted to tell you that I forgive you for the mistakes you made, for the secrets that you kept, and for the lies you told. How can I not, when I loved you so much, when a part of me will always love you,” I sob.

  “This is so hard. It feels like I’m losing you all over again, but I need to close this door. I need to let you go.”

  Hesitantly, I push myself off the ground and stand up, running my hand on the tombstone like I’ve done so many times before. Maybe I’ll come back one day, maybe I won’t, but I know that if I do, it won’t be for a very long time. I can love Tyler from afar, loving the memory of him without holding on to the same level of devotion. It’s my time.

  “Goodbye Tyler,” I call out as I walk away from my first love.

  I told Luca I’d meet him at his apartment. I thought it would be easier for me to do this in his space, where it’s me who makes a quick departure when all is said and done, leaving him to his life. I can’t shake the sick feeling in my stomach as I jog up the stairs to his apartment. I find Luca in the kitchen cooking what’s most likely a meal that he intended to share with me.

  “Hey babe,” he calls making my heart do a little flip. God I love him so much, I don’t know how I’m going to get through this without tears.

  “Hey.”

  “Where’s your stuff? I thought you were spending the night?”

  “I can’t stay actually.”

  “Why?” he asks, looking confused. “Are you alright?”

  “Yes. I’m okay, I just wanted to talk to you about some things.”

  He turns the flame on the stovetop off and walks over to me.

  “What’s up?”

  “I’ve been doing a lot of thinking over the last few days and I’ve…I think that this thing between us is just moving way too fast.”

  “Okay. We’ve known each other for a long time, it’s not like we had to start from scratch. We’ve been together a few months now, but if you think it’s too fast for you then we can slow it down a bit, just tell me what you need.”

  “That’s just it, I don’t know what I need or how I even feel about any of it anymore. I just need to make it stop.”

  “What do you want to stop?” I can tell his patience is waning. “Is this because of the hous
e? I told you I’d buy the house on my own. It’s not a big deal, you know that. You can move in if and when you’re ready, not a moment sooner. I’m not trying to pressure you.”

  “I think the house is great Luca, I do. I think you’re right though, if you want it you should have it but don’t buy it for me, or because you think I’ll eventually move in. Buy it because you want to live there.”

  “Alone… Is that what you’re trying to say? Are you trying to break up with me Everly?”

  “Yes.”

  “No.” He shakes his head. “You would not do that. You love me; you want this as much as I do. Did someone say something to you?”

  “What? No… this has nothing to do with anyone but me. It’s too much too soon and it’s overwhelming. I can’t handle it all, and I need to be on my own. The timing is just off.”

  “Bullshit.”

  “It’s true.”

  “Bullshit,” he says again, grabbing hold of my arms. “You love me.”

  “Luca.”

  His grasp on me tightens as he shakes me. “Tell me you don’t.”

  “Luca.”

  “Tell me you don’t love me Everly.”

  “I don’t love you.”

  “You’re full of shit.” He releases his hold on me, taking a step back.

  “I’m telling you the truth. I never meant to hurt you, you have to believe that. I went to the grave before I came here and it all became so clear to me but I don’t love you. I was in love with the idea of you, what you represent in my life, and I’ll always be grateful to you Luca, always, because without you I’d still be stuck in my sad little life. You brought me back to life, you did that, and that’s huge but I think I confused my gratitude for love.”

  “You really believe that?”

  “I love Tyler West. I will always love him, and I can move on now, get out of that house, find a place to live that I love, figure out what I want to do with my life and not be afraid of living it, but when I think of love, of who I love, and it’s still him. I’m not over it as much as I’d like to believe I am. Being with you made it easy for me to pretend that I’m okay, that my heart is healed when it’s not. It’s not, and I’m not sure if that part of me will every truly be healed.”

  He stares me down and runs a hand through his hair. “You’re a piece of work you know that. You come here with all this talk of gratitude, and I know it’s bullshit. You’re still running scared and I love you Everly. I swear to God I do, I’d do anything for you, I’d do anything to keep you but this is just too fucking much for me. If this is what you want, then go… leave, I’m not going to try and stop you, but this bullshit card you’re playing is weak and at the very least I deserve the truth.”

  “I gave it to you,” I say, steeling my spine.

  “You’re a liar.”

  “No that’s you, and Tyler, and Michael, you’re the liars. I’m just the girl who got caught up in all of the lies. I’m the one who got broken down by it all, so don’t you stand there like a hypocrite and call me a liar when you lied to me for years.”

  “That was not my choice.”

  “You had a choice! We always have choices.”

  “What, like you’re making a fucking choice now? Taking the easy way out instead of staying with me and working out whatever it is that’s pushing you away, instead of fighting for something that you know could be great.”

  “I’m doing what’s best for me right now. This decision is best for me, and I need you to understand and accept it.”

  “I don’t. I won’t. If you go, go now because I’m done with this stupid conversation. If this is the game you want to play then you’ll be doing it without me.”

  “Goodbye Luca.”

  Squaring my shoulders, I turn on my heel and make a quick exit. I don’t crumble down to the ground outside his door, I don’t sit and cry in my car, I don’t drive home and sit in a lonely dark house by myself or wait for him to come after me. The damage is done and now I have to deal with it head-on like an adult. I can’t go through another four years like the last four. At least Luca is alive, he’s free to live his life, to meet another woman, have a family. I should be grateful for that, be grateful that he gets to live a life, have a great career, and I can be proud of myself for giving him that. For not making the easy choice, the selfish choice, to stay with him pretending like I don’t know what the consequences of that are for him. No… this is the best thing for him, and I have to honor him by living my life the best way I can.

  I hit the Bluetooth button on my steering wheel and scroll through the numbers until I reach the one I’m looking for and hit go.

  “Everly dear? Is that you?” His voice makes my skin crawl, I hate that I have to talk to him at all.

  “Yes, it’s me,” I return, icily.

  He hesitates but only for a moment. “Is everything alright?”

  “No. It isn’t Michael, not when you insist on playing God with people’s lives.”

  I hear his sharp intake of breath. “Everly I’m not sure what you’re referring to.”

  “I overheard your conversation with Luca the other day, I know that you threatened him,” I say bluntly, there’s no use in beating around the bush with someone like Michael, he’d chew me up and spit me out.

  “I think…”

  “It’s done.”

  “Pardon me?”

  “I just ended it with him Michael, I told him it was over and that I didn’t love him, he won’t bother me again.”

  “I see.”

  “You have to leave him alone now,” I demand. “You have to keep your end of that bargain and stay away from him, let him live his life, let him have his career without any interference from you.”

  “Of course.”

  I grip the steering wheel as tight as I can and take a deep breath. Who would have thought that one person could cause so much havoc in my life? “There’s one more thing I need you to do for me.”

  “What’s that?” I can hear the curiosity in his voice. I wanted to believe he would tell me to forget all about it; that once he heard how angry and upset I was he would back off and tell me to go back to Luca, but I know now that that’s not the case. He’s too self-centered of a man for that, to care about what anyone else wants or needs. None of it matters unless it suits his purposes.

  “Stay away from me too.”

  “I’m afraid I can’t do that. I do care a great deal for you Everly even though you might not think that at the moment but it’s true, and then of course there’s Stella. She’d never understand why we were no longer in contact.”

  I knew he’d throw his wife into the mix, use her to make me feel guilty to get what he wants. “I’ll continue to see Stella regularly. I would just prefer that you not be there. If I schedule dinner with her make sure you’re working late those nights, tell her something came up. I don’t care what you tell her, just don’t be there.”

  “Perhaps if I give you a bit of time.”

  “No,” I cut in, not wanting to go into negotiations with him. He can take them and shove them for all I care. “This is it, this is the only deal you’re getting from me. You got what you wanted, and now it’s only fair that I get something too.”

  “Very well then Everly.” He sighs. Funny, for a moment there I almost think he cares about me, but then I remember all the hurt he’s inflicted on those he claims to care about, and I let that notion go.

  “Goodbye.”

  “Goodbye,” is the last thing I say to him before I disconnect the call, funny… I feel like I’ve said nothing but goodbye today. As for Michael, I honestly hope I never have to see his face again.

  Morgan can sense the agony on my face when she opens the front door. This is the only place I could think of to come after the day I’ve had. She’s the only one I can really be honest with about all of this.

  “Everly? What’s wrong? What are you doing here?”

  I smile at her shakily. “Can I come in?”

  “Of cou
rse,” she says, moving out of the way so that I can pass through the doorway. “Are you okay?”

  I shake my head as I drop my purse and keys on her entryway table. “I broke up with Luca tonight.”

  “Everly!” she calls out in disbelief. “Why would you do that? Did he do something to you? I swear to God I’ll kill him.”

  “He didn’t do anything, he’s perfect.”

  “Then why?”

  I take a moment to gather my thoughts as I walk past her into the living room and lower myself onto her couch. I close my eyes and focus on my breathing, trying to get my emotions under control before I break apart or worse. “I overheard Michael threatening him.”

  “What!” she shrieks. Her eyes go wide, and her cheeks flame up with a scary amount of anger as she sits across from me.

  “He threatened to use his clout to get Luca fired, to make sure he never practiced law again if he didn’t leave me,” I tell her, as I begin to pull at the hair band around my wrist, the sting it gives me when it snaps back is scarily comforting.

  “What did Luca say?”

  “He told him that he wasn’t leaving me. That he loved me and having love was more important to him than having a job.”

  “Everly that’s great.” She smiles. “That’s more than great, why would you break up with him?”

  “I just…”

  “You just what? He has the right to make that choice; you actually broke up with him so that he wouldn’t lose his job?”

  “Morgan, it was the right thing to do.”

  “For who? For you or him?” She shakes her head at me. “Everly! He loves you, and you love him. What are you doing? You of all people should understand how precious love is, how it can be gone in the blink of an eye—and instead of cherishing it, you’re throwing it away?”

  “I’m doing it for him,” I half yell. “Why should he be stuck in a life he didn’t want? I know how that feels! Four years of living a life that I never signed up for, I don’t want to do that to him.”

  “Yes but you didn’t have a choice, he did. He was given a choice and he chose you, and then you turned around and you took that choice away from him. Do you not see the irony in that?”